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Old 01-19-2010, 10:30 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas, NV
5,779 posts, read 14,521,513 times
Reputation: 4019

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Im 20 yrs old, and I think I am still in love with this 18 yr old girl who I've known for nearly 3 years now

She and I met online during summer 2007 and found out we went to the same school and started hanging out and talking on the phone sometimes for hours on end. I was never direct with her about my feelings as I had thought it would scare her away. Then after about two months of talking to her I told her I wanted to date her and she said she only wanted to be friends.

We didnt talk for the next 4 months! I tried but was very unsuccessful in meeting other girls.

Finally around Valentines Day 2008 I told her I had been thinking about her and missed her. She said she had missed me too. We began talking again and all the romantic feelings I had for her came right back. She and I became very close.

During summer of 2008 I began singing love songs to her and poems I had written for her. I was so deeply in love with her it was like no other woman existed to me. She told me one day that she had feelings for me and we decided to go on a date. It went well but afterwards my feelings for her became very strong to the point that I was very overbearing

Around the beginning of 2009 we stopped talking altogether and I fell into a very deep depression. She seemed to want to keep her distance from me. I also found out she had talked to one of my best friends but she insisted she didnt like him and that nothing happened between him and her

I also had had a dream around April that a friend of mine told me that if I love her I should go after her and not let her get away. I told her about that dream

My male friends insisted that I stop talking to her that she was "messing with me" and playing games with me which I also told her about

I told her that I no longer have feelings for her anymore. WHen I spoke with her on the phone she told me she doesnt see me as anymore then a friend and I felt hurt by that. Then just tonight she told me she went on a date with a guy, and I felt like my heart just had 50 knives go into it

I know Im still young, but she is the first girl I have ever loved. I was deeply depressed and suicidal when she and I met, and she made me believe in myself again and made me happy, which until I met her I didnt think was possible

Im having a hard time connecting with other women even now, Im still not over her. Will I ever be? I want to be but at the same time I still love her very much

What can I do?

Sorry that was so long

BTW I know im 20 and still young I dont want to hear that right now. I know this. I want to get over this girl without cutting off all contact from her, I want her as a friend, she and I have been through so much in 3 yrs. But at the same time I have a very weak heart and I know I wont be able to bear seeing her date other guys

Last edited by DavieJ89; 01-19-2010 at 10:48 PM..
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Old 01-19-2010, 10:35 PM
Ep-
 
2,080 posts, read 4,159,181 times
Reputation: 2476
your 20. im pretty sure you will meet someone else. big world out there bro. no sense getting down over one person
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Old 01-19-2010, 10:48 PM
 
Location: Southern California
15,083 posts, read 20,403,636 times
Reputation: 10343
Quote:
Originally Posted by DavieJ89 View Post
...

Im having a hard time connecting with other women even now, Im still not over her. Will I ever be? I want to be but at the same time I still love her very much

What can I do?

Sorry that was so long
You will get over her. In the meantime, occupy your time with other stuff. Seriously!!

Are you in school? Focus on school. Employed? Work on work. I'm sure you have hobbies or interests of some sort. Focus on them. You certainly have friends. Go out, enjoy the time with them, and meet new people. You'll meet other women, even if the connections are casual and don't really go anywhere, and the 'pain' will go away.
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Old 01-19-2010, 10:48 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
14,229 posts, read 29,920,486 times
Reputation: 27684
You're supposed to be figuring out love, likes, friendships, and relationships right now. You're getting to know the highs of new love and the depths of despair when you lose that love. All these things are to get you ready for whenever you find your real love. It's sort of like a dress rehearsal for real life. Everyone goes through it. There's no way to make it easy or pain free.

Time and new people/experiences will make this person fade into the background of who you are. She will always be part of you. Your first love, your first kiss, your first....well....you know.
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Old 01-19-2010, 10:51 PM
 
3,284 posts, read 3,511,544 times
Reputation: 1832
Quote:
Originally Posted by DavieJ89 View Post
During summer of 2008 I began singing love songs to her and poems I had written for her.



I also had had a dream around April that a friend of mine told me that if I love her I should go after her and not let her get away. I told her about that dream



\
For future reference, don't do the things above ever again. Girls are really delicate and can be weirded out very easily.

Sorry about the situation, sounds like moving on would be best.
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Old 01-19-2010, 10:54 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,352,025 times
Reputation: 40196
Quote:
Originally Posted by DavieJ89 View Post
Im 20 yrs old, and I think I am still in love with this 18 yr old girl who I've known for nearly 3 years now

She and I met online during summer 2007 and found out we went to the same school and started hanging out and talking on the phone sometimes for hours on end. I was never direct with her about my feelings as I had thought it would scare her away. Then after about two months of talking to her I told her I wanted to date her and she said she only wanted to be friends.

We didnt talk for the next 4 months! I tried but was very unsuccessful in meeting other girls.

Finally around Valentines Day 2008 I told her I had been thinking about her and missed her. She said she had missed me too. We began talking again and all the romantic feelings I had for her came right back. She and I became very close.

During summer of 2008 I began singing love songs to her and poems I had written for her. I was so deeply in love with her it was like no other woman existed to me. She told me one day that she had feelings for me and we decided to go on a date. It went well but afterwards my feelings for her became very strong to the point that I was very overbearing

Around the beginning of 2009 we stopped talking altogether and I fell into a very deep depression. She seemed to want to keep her distance from me. I also found out she had talked to one of my best friends but she insisted she didnt like him and that nothing happened between him and her

I also had had a dream around April that a friend of mine told me that if I love her I should go after her and not let her get away. I told her about that dream

My male friends insisted that I stop talking to her that she was "messing with me" and playing games with me which I also told her about

I told her that I no longer have feelings for her anymore. WHen I spoke with her on the phone she told me she doesnt see me as anymore then a friend and I felt hurt by that. Then just tonight she told me she went on a date with a guy, and I felt like my heart just had 50 knives go into it

I know Im still young, but she is the first girl I have ever loved. I was deeply depressed and suicidal when she and I met, and she made me believe in myself again and made me happy, which until I met her I didnt think was possible

Im having a hard time connecting with other women even now, Im still not over her. Will I ever be? I want to be but at the same time I still love her very much

What can I do?

Sorry that was so long

BTW I know im 20 and still young I dont want to hear that right now. I know this. I want to get over this girl without cutting off all contact from her, I want her as a friend, she and I have been through so much in 3 yrs. But at the same time I have a very weak heart and I know I wont be able to bear seeing her date other guys

Honey, "depressed and suicidal" are not attractive qualities in the dating world. She did the right thing to keep her distance because you apparently have some isssues you need time to work on okay?

Your feelings for her were very real and therefore I know your pain is very real too. But you need to get some help in dealing with all this before you become more obsessed than you already are.

Now is not the time to try to remain her "friend" - give her some space and don't torture yourself watching her date other guys. And yes, she is going to date other guys and she SHOULD date other guys.

Do yourself a favor and deal with the depression NOW, before you meet someone else later down the line. That way when you fall in love again (and you will) you will be healthy, attractive to emotionally healthy girls, and therefore more ready for an adult relationship.

If you don't currently have a therapist, please discuss making an appt to see one with your parents right away.

I wish you all the best.
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Old 01-19-2010, 10:58 PM
 
1,237 posts, read 3,439,091 times
Reputation: 1094
While I understand you want to keep this girl as a friend - you may have to just cut off contact for a while to get over her. Not forever, just long enough to figure yourself out.

It sounds like you have some unaddressed issues you were/should have been dealing with before you met her - which makes it sounds like you think your happiness depends on her (just how it sounds).

One rule of relationships - you can't love someone else until you love yourself (cheesy but true). I would suggest focusing on yourself for a while - figure your own issues out. Learn how to be happy with who you are and what you've got.

Just give it time, you will get over her. Besides, do you really want to be with someone who doesn't feel the same way about you?
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Old 01-19-2010, 11:04 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas, NV
5,779 posts, read 14,521,513 times
Reputation: 4019
Quote:
Originally Posted by swmrbird View Post
While I understand you want to keep this girl as a friend - you may have to just cut off contact for a while to get over her. Not forever, just long enough to figure yourself out.

It sounds like you have some unaddressed issues you were/should have been dealing with before you met her - which makes it sounds like you think your happiness depends on her (just how it sounds).

One rule of relationships - you can't love someone else until you love yourself (cheesy but true). I would suggest focusing on yourself for a while - figure your own issues out. Learn how to be happy with who you are and what you've got.

Just give it time, you will get over her. Besides, do you really want to be with someone who doesn't feel the same way about you?
I dont depend on her for happiness anymore. We only talk about 1x a week now, I have been trying to focus on my job as well as my friends and not focus so much on meeting women, which has been problematic even before i met her.

Im not suicidal anymore depressed, yes a little, suicidal no! I have been battling depression, low confidence, and zero self esteem since I was a very little kid

I am in the process of building a life for myself, my car, my job, my friends, my move to Las Vegas coming up in October. Life WILL get better for me, even if I decide not to move. I am on my way up!
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Old 01-20-2010, 12:30 AM
 
Location: 2nd state in the union...
2,382 posts, read 4,579,972 times
Reputation: 1616
Quote:
Originally Posted by DavieJ89 View Post
I am in the process of building a life for myself, my car, my job, my friends, my move to Las Vegas coming up in October. Life WILL get better for me, even if I decide not to move. I am on my way up!
Keep that positive attitude and trust me...everything will be fine.

You've gotten a lot of really good advice thus far so hopefully it will be of some help to you. Good luck.
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Old 01-20-2010, 12:45 AM
 
Location: all over the world
88 posts, read 302,069 times
Reputation: 130
Congratulations on having your heart broken at 20. It's going to happen sooner or later, and sooner is better than later.

I know how it feels. I couldn't get over my first ex (who cheated on & left me) for like forever...well it seemed like forever at the time. You know how I finally got over him? By working on myself.

You wanna know how to get over her.
Here's how....build yourself up. Make yourself stronger and better as a man. You mentioned low self-esteem, lack of confidence....etc. These are issues you gotta work on. Find some workshops. There are lots of crappy ones, and there are some that are a little cult-like, but whatever. I think even though there aren't perfect self-improvement workshops, they all still help you one way or another. Such as Landmark Forum...i know it's a little culty but I've a couple of HEALTHY, Non-Cultish friends who really benefited from it....like immensely, financially, relationship-wise, etc. The workshop will also provide a good, new community for you.
Surround yourself with a select community of positive people, then you will shift your focus.

You can't get over her cuz you still are dependent on her emotionally. You gotta make urself stronger emotionally. When you become a stronger, more complete man, she'll naturally become a past without you even needing to "work on" "getting over her." And you'll have more success with other women, and once u have more success with other women, she won't seem as important anymore nor will she appear to be the only girl who can connect with you.
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