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Old 01-26-2010, 08:17 AM
 
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
24,665 posts, read 69,572,713 times
Reputation: 26727

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"Lied to and betrayed by spouse for several years" is how you headed your thread and that in itself is both misleading and quite delusional on your part. If you can seriously be so utterly distraught about something that happened 18 years ago under the circumstances you describe, it's pretty clear that you need some professional counseling as your reaction is way overboard. You knew when you wrote what the reaction of the respondents would probably be. If you can't work through it, do seek professional help as this sort of thing just might ruin what otherwise seems to be a good marriage. Good luck.
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Old 01-26-2010, 08:23 AM
 
Location: My Private Island
4,941 posts, read 8,314,746 times
Reputation: 12283
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue_Illusion View Post
Seriously, I am gratful to know the truth but at the same time ignorance is bliss. I would have preferred to have known way back then, not all of this time later. He finally fessed up, there is more in that sense but entirely too long and complex to explain on here. Let's just say I was bringing up the past and was finally able to get the truth out about what was going on back then.
Why are you so stuck on the past? You were boyfriend/girlfriend not husband/wife. The amount of importance you are putting on this after 18 years, children, building a life together as husband & wife is beyond me.

It's out in the open now. Perhaps to save all the drama, he SHOULD have kept it to himself. I bet that is what he will do from now on. You have alot of history together and for you to be willing to throw away your marriage over it speaks to your unhappiness and possibly looking for an excuse to leave. Doesn't sound like someone who is still in love to me if you are using a pre-marital-while-we-were-broke-up-found-out 18 years-later to question your marriage.
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Old 01-26-2010, 08:23 AM
 
Location: Fuquay Varina
6,430 posts, read 9,769,665 times
Reputation: 18309
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue_Illusion View Post
Seriously, I am gratful to know the truth but at the same time ignorance is bliss. I would have preferred to have known way back then, not all of this time later. He finally fessed up, there is more in that sense but entirely too long and complex to explain on here. Let's just say I was bringing up the past and was finally able to get the truth out about what was going on back then.

Well based on your replies here I think it is much better that you did not find out then. You want to look the poor girl up now 18 years later, what would you have done 8 days after the fact? lol

Digging up bones from the past isnt fun and it is usually hurtful no matter what the circumstances.

You picked at that scab and now it's bleeding, you really showed him didn't you?

I'm so grateful my wife isnt this way !
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Old 01-26-2010, 09:56 AM
 
14 posts, read 16,219 times
Reputation: 13
I understand that the subject title was misleading, I get what you are saying. Yes, we weren't married at the time so therefore he didn't lie to me or cheat on me during marriage. That's true. We are going to counseling, I know I have a problem of letting go of what happened in the past. I am taking the steps to do what I have to do in order to get through this. It is a great marraige, there is no doubt there. I just feel disgusted that I didn't know then. Finding out now no matter how long ago it was isn't easy for ME. I know everyone sees it differently than I do. I get that. It's ME and that is something I am going to have to deal with, and change.

Quote:
Originally Posted by STT Resident View Post
"Lied to and betrayed by spouse for several years" is how you headed your thread and that in itself is both misleading and quite delusional on your part. If you can seriously be so utterly distraught about something that happened 18 years ago under the circumstances you describe, it's pretty clear that you need some professional counseling as your reaction is way overboard. You knew when you wrote what the reaction of the respondents would probably be. If you can't work through it, do seek professional help as this sort of thing just might ruin what otherwise seems to be a good marriage. Good luck.
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Old 01-26-2010, 10:00 AM
 
Location: Crossville, TN
1,327 posts, read 3,673,107 times
Reputation: 1017
First of all, don't contact the other person involved. You shouldn't ask questions you really don't want to know the answers to.

Second, ask yourself why it took your husband so long to tell you. Maybe he didn't want to hurt you or more important lose you.

Third, is this important enough that you can no longer trust him? Do you not love him?

If you can take a vacation, by yourself or with the kids without him. See how important he is to you and if it matters that he is not there to watch the kids play and laugh. Is it important or not that he is lying next to you in the night and waking up with you in the morning.
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Old 01-26-2010, 10:06 AM
 
14 posts, read 16,219 times
Reputation: 13
I know you are so right, marriage is another level, and we were broken up as bf/gf at the time not even together. He knew how I would react if I found out that is probably why he didn't tell me before, but he knows me well and he knew I would still react the same way even now. Maybe he wishes he never told me, to avoid all of this, he says he would have told me if he were on his death bed, why then? I don't know, I guess to clear his conscience or something, which I don't think would be fair to me either. Seriously this is the only thing that has upset me, I'm definitely not trying to find an excuse out of a perfectly happy marriage either. That isn't the case at all. Just right now I feel like I don't know who he is. Of course I still love him very much, I'm just in a bad place right now that's all.

Getting opinions from everyone stating the same thing hepls me to see that maybe I am making a huge deal over something that isn't even a huge deal. The understand the situation could be worse, I guess I just need affirmation. I don't always see things the way everyone else does.

Quote:
Originally Posted by seeniorita View Post
Why are you so stuck on the past? You were boyfriend/girlfriend not husband/wife. The amount of importance you are putting on this after 18 years, children, building a life together as husband & wife is beyond me.

It's out in the open now. Perhaps to save all the drama, he SHOULD have kept it to himself. I bet that is what he will do from now on. You have alot of history together and for you to be willing to throw away your marriage over it speaks to your unhappiness and possibly looking for an excuse to leave. Doesn't sound like someone who is still in love to me if you are using a pre-marital-while-we-were-broke-up-found-out 18 years-later to question your marriage.
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Old 01-26-2010, 10:12 AM
 
14 posts, read 16,219 times
Reputation: 13
I know right, I know he didn't tell me for his and her physical safety, I might have gone ballistic haha. No I will not contact her at all, I'm much better than that. I'm going to let that go.

You're right, I have a tendency to bring up the past and it sure doesn't help, that's why I am trying to get help for that. It's rough, I can hold a grudge and I can never seem to let go of the past. I'm trying though, it isn't easy but damn I am really going to put forth the effort.

Definitely be glad your wife isn't the way I am behaving. You have it made, I wish I didn't react the way I have been lately. I know it is rough on him too to have to deal with what I know and how I am reacting to it.


Quote:
Originally Posted by SVTLightning View Post
Well based on your replies here I think it is much better that you did not find out then. You want to look the poor girl up now 18 years later, what would you have done 8 days after the fact? lol

Digging up bones from the past isnt fun and it is usually hurtful no matter what the circumstances.

You picked at that scab and now it's bleeding, you really showed him didn't you?

I'm so grateful my wife isnt this way !
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Old 01-26-2010, 10:15 AM
 
78,016 posts, read 60,232,230 times
Reputation: 49415
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue_Illusion View Post
I understand that the subject title was misleading, I get what you are saying. Yes, we weren't married at the time so therefore he didn't lie to me or cheat on me during marriage. That's true. We are going to counseling, I know I have a problem of letting go of what happened in the past. I am taking the steps to do what I have to do in order to get through this. It is a great marraige, there is no doubt there. I just feel disgusted that I didn't know then. Finding out now no matter how long ago it was isn't easy for ME. I know everyone sees it differently than I do. I get that. It's ME and that is something I am going to have to deal with, and change.
1) I'm incredibly alarmed that you are talking divorce over this after 18 years to by all accounts a pretty good guy. You made your wedding vows, I don't know maybe you are trying to hurt him with threats.

2) Don't do anything rash. Do you really love the guy or is it just something you say?

Are you going through a mid-life crisis? Is this a manifestation of other issues? Don't say no quickly. There may be a deeper reason you are reacting this strongly.
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Old 01-26-2010, 10:18 AM
 
14 posts, read 16,219 times
Reputation: 13
That was well put. I know, I think of those things often and how it would be without him in our lives, not a good feeling at all. Thank you for input, I'm defintely going to make the conscious effort on letting go, for the sake of our family.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LABART View Post
First of all, don't contact the other person involved. You shouldn't ask questions you really don't want to know the answers to.

Second, ask yourself why it took your husband so long to tell you. Maybe he didn't want to hurt you or more important lose you.

Third, is this important enough that you can no longer trust him? Do you not love him?

If you can take a vacation, by yourself or with the kids without him. See how important he is to you and if it matters that he is not there to watch the kids play and laugh. Is it important or not that he is lying next to you in the night and waking up with you in the morning.
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Old 01-26-2010, 10:23 AM
 
14 posts, read 16,219 times
Reputation: 13
Oh no never, my children don't know about the alcohol or nicotine which is rare, only when I'm having a hard time getting through the moment. We have gone to church although it's been quite a while, I know that would help tremendously. Thanks I'll try vitamin B6 anything to help at this time would be great.


Quote:
Originally Posted by lionandlamb View Post
Greetings,

I wasn't trying to be funny about the change of life. I know some young women who are going thru pre menopause. and said I was to young to find out they was and it can last a few yrs if not treated right. Which is good food, rest, and the good ole gym. When something comes up - they dont handle it as well. Try some vit B 6 and see if that helps you get thru this. You may have worn down your system with stress, and worry. Then you stated you started drinking & smoking. I hope your kids didn't see this. So they may think that is the way to handle problems.

Even thou this is effecting u differently - coz were all not involved, it stills sounds like you got the guy.. she didn't.

Do you go to church?

BE BLESSED
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