I met him when he was returning an engagement ring, but he never wants to get married? (woman, cheated)
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I'm sure it's not the concept of marriage that he detests...the monogamy, children, living together etc., but it's more than likely the bad taste that's been left in his mouth from previous marriages.
Exactly. A typical case of making an innocent person pay for others' mistakes. Thanks, but no thanks.
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Originally Posted by dgfurman
Just what I was going to say. Why should he buy the cow when he's getting the milk for free? Seriously, what is his incentive to change his situation? Right now he has it made.
For you, getting married is an emotional bond, a commitment. You should have thought about that before you moved in with him. Now you can either live this way until he changes him mind (which may never happen), or split up.
You want security, and he wants to keep the exit door in sight. Just the way it is.
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Originally Posted by sophialee
First of all OP there are a lot of very young and/or very bitter people on this board who are going to chastise you saying, "marriage is just a piece of paper" and tell you are wrong for wanting to get married.
Anyways, I'm not going to tell you that cuz I don't think that. HOWEVER, you shouldn't have moved in with him. Don't really know what to tell you.
Yep, I'm with this crowd and have to intention of justifying my position every time this issue comes up.
I think it just shows a deeper level of commitment, I know a lot of people will disagree with that and that's fine, it's my opinion.
I agree with you. I agree that it shows a deeper level of commitment. In fact, getting married, signing the paper IS the commitment. Everything else is playing house. We did that for two years before we got married - not as a trial but due to economics. But neither of us could wait to marry the other.
Why was that?
I am not religious and my husband is an athiest - so we can throw out the religion as a reason. We can also chuck out the historical purpose of getting married and having children - we have both been there done that.
It's really quite simple: we were madly in love. And we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We had both been through crappy previous relationships. We were cynical about happily ever after. Then we met each other. And fell in love. We both feel like we were given a second chance by the universe - a chance for a happen ending.
I understand where Tuesday is coming from. To many people, religion and children do not even figure into the equation. To many people, even in 2010 when everything is disposable and the divorce rate is 50%, marriage still represents a tangible commitment of an intangible emotion. It is a public affirmation of the couple's love and hope and belief in love everlasting. It is an outward demonstration of their intention to grow old together and love and cherish til death do them part.
Marriage is one of those things that falls in line with that famous quotation "whether you believe you can or you believe you can't - you're right".
I respect people that believe in marriage. I also respect people that don't.
People that believe marriage "is just a piece of paper" are right - that is what it is - for them. And they shouldn't bother putting ink to paper.
And those that have a completely different take on what love and marriage means are also right - and they shouldn't settle for less.
I understand where Tuesday is coming from. To many people, religion and children do not even figure into the equation. To many people, even in 2010 when everything is disposable and the divorce rate is 50%, marriage still represents a tangible commitment of an intangible emotion. It is a public affirmation of the couple's love and hope and belief in love everlasting. It is an outward demonstration of their intention to grow old together and love and cherish til death do them part.
That is one great, well thought out post giving rhyme and reason. I understand what you are expressing, however, much of it revolves around outward appearances, display, and formalities - which covers the 'Institution of.' Commitment within a marriage/relationship is a mindset, a state of being. The intention/vow to grow old, love, and cherish does not need to be validated by a ceremony, nor does it make it more meaningful and deep in the overall scheme of things. If two people are going to love and devote each other until their last dying breath, they will - that is real, true love, irregardless of the law binding or not.
I guess that's where I'm coming from when I'm talking to the OP, for whatever reason, her man is a "don't".
Rather than demonising him for it, she needs to try to understand why not.
Hell, having been there, even he might know why not !!
I get the impression from her that she doesn't respect his feelings, and his reluctance.
It may not be an irreversible situation at the moment, but, if she decides that she's going to leave because he won't marry her, or starts giving ultimatums, then it will be.
Again, having been there, he is probably agonising over it, and feeling pretty torn himself.
She seems to think I'm "projecting" my experiences on her, while I'm simply relating how I felt in a similar situation.
I'm trying to explain to her how he might be feeling, yet she seems uninterested.
I'm trying to be impartial, but all I get from the OP's posts is "Me, Me, Me".
I look after my kids. I want to get married I do I want
I appreciate she may not find the words so easy to come by, but to me, anyway, this is how she's coming across.
I wouldn't have moved in and given my kids a "fake daddy" like that. You still could have been a couple while maintaining your own households. I don't get the need to move in together, ESPECIALLY WITH KIDS INVOLVED. If marriage is my goal I won't move in with a guy...that's from Relationships 101 and while that doesn't guarentee I'll get what I want it does guarentee that I won't put myself (and kids) in a vulnerable position. Plus it's cheap.
wigirl920 - Trust me, I did not ask my daughter to say anything. It's not appropriate. He told me she brought it up because she wants to call him her stepdad instead of my mom's boyfriend. I was never so glad I had on sunglasses because it was extremely embarrassing and I felt I could hide behind them. He said she made it clear it wasn't coming from me and asked him not to tell me because she was afraid I'd be angry w/her.
He tells me when she brings it up, as not to keep it from me and in turn, I don't tell her he spilled the beans.
No, I didn't think you were sending her to talk to him...sorry if my post implied that.
However, I still think it's a bad idea for marriage-related issues to be discussed with a 14 yr old. It sounds like you and him are talking about their convos anyway; maybe next time she goes to either of you, you could politely tell her these are things that you and your BF should be discussing between yourselves. Convos about what to call him are one thing; "regular conversations about getting married" are quite another.
It just seems like there are some things that you and your BF really, really need to discuss and clear up...so why can't YOU be the one having "regular conversations about getting married" instead of your 14 yr old having them with him?
At your age, what's the big deal about getting married? You're already shacking up in front of your children, so I guess this isn't an issue. It sounds like you have a very nice relationship going.
If a man says he doesn't want to get married, BELIEVE HIM. If you know you can't accept this, then move on.
Just pretend you're oh so progressive, like Goldie Hawn or Oprah.
Lots of great advice here, and I think Bobman really has some good points, and I don't feel like he's projecting. I think he is just pointing out why your man may really want to get married, but may be terrified to do so.
bobman - I didn't talk about the horrible person I was married to, if I had, you would understand I know very well what it can do to a person. I had a couple of infections when I was pregnant w/my daughter. My doctor repeatedly asked me to consider whether or not my husband was cheating on me. I said, 'no, of course not'. The medicine prescribed to me now carries a warning to pregnant women of a link to genetic mutation. My daughter was diagnosed at 6 days w/a rare genetic disorder now known to be caused by a genetic mutation. Her specialists are certain it was caused by the medicine I took while pregnant. He confessed shortly before our divorce, he had cheated when I was pregnant and felt responsible for what happened to her. His selfish ass then decided to try to turn it around and make me feel sorry for him for carrying his guilt all these years. My daughter has been teased and had a very difficult time when she was younger because she felt self concious about how different her disorder caused her to look. As much as it hurt me to know my husband cheated on me repeatedly, that he likely was the cause of my daughter's disorder almost killed me.
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Originally Posted by bobman
I guess that's where I'm coming from when I'm talking to the OP, for whatever reason, her man is a "don't".
Rather than demonising him for it, she needs to try to understand why not.
Hell, having been there, even he might know why not !!
I get the impression from her that she doesn't respect his feelings, and his reluctance.
It may not be an irreversible situation at the moment, but, if she decides that she's going to leave because he won't marry her, or starts giving ultimatums, then it will be.
Again, having been there, he is probably agonising over it, and feeling pretty torn himself.
She seems to think I'm "projecting" my experiences on her, while I'm simply relating how I felt in a similar situation.
I'm trying to explain to her how he might be feeling, yet she seems uninterested.
I'm trying to be impartial, but all I get from the OP's posts is "Me, Me, Me".
I look after my kids. I want to get married I do I want
I appreciate she may not find the words so easy to come by, but to me, anyway, this is how she's coming across.
If you want to eventually get married, then you have to move out. So you can find someone who wants the same as you. He isn't it.
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