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My boyfriend of 6 years is a really nice guy and my best friend, his family are nice and we have things in common, he cares for me, is committed and prepared to settle down... but there is no sexual attraction whatsoever. I don't know if there ever has been. It was his charm and kindness that won me over.
I could have written your post, word for word, 30 years ago. I broke up with the guy after a few years because I wanted "sexual attraction". Eventually I learned that after "sexual attraction" wears off, there had better be a kind, charming, committed best friend who cares for you underneath. By the time I learned that, though, my guy had found someone else. I've had a good life but, if I could re-do one thing, it would be to have married him.
Your guy deserves to be with a woman who appreciates him in every way. If you cant bring yourself to love him as he should be loved, then please do him a favor and let him go so he can find someone who does. But dont be surprised if, 30 years from now, you find yourself in my shoes.
That's what i believe you would call a "Best Friend" >__< Honestly, you should not be with this guy. It should have never even turned into a relationship if oyu had no sexual connection, i don't understand how you could have even let that happen. I donno, it's just boggles my mind.
My boyfriend of 6 years is a really nice guy and my best friend, his family are nice and we have things in common, he cares for me, is committed and prepared to settle down... but there is no sexual attraction whatsoever. I don't know if there ever has been. It was his charm and kindness that won me over.
He believes that I am stressed, tired etc and hopes that my libido will return, while I secretly know that I have sexual desire, just not for him. We have had the "why aren't we having sex" discussion/argument before and every time I have told him it is my problem, I am just not feeling sexual etc. I feel terrible for lying but I can't bring myself to be harsh with him.
I WISH that I could be attracted to him, because apart from that he is the perfect boyfriend. All my family and friends adore him. The worst part is that I have no desire to "fix" our relationship either, because I just feel no attraction for him at all. We are not having sex and I don't care. I should. Even worse, I prefer it this way.
I push myself to have sex because he is a nice guy and I felt obliged to have sex if I wanted to keep the relationship, the only sex I have had in the past 2 years is from the occasional pressured encounter where I felt like I owed him, and I cried because I didn't want to and because it hurt due to me not being turned on in the slightest.
What should I do?? After denying and denying that it's not him, how do I tell him how I feel without completely breaking his heart and shattering him? Even though I don't want to lose him out of my life, this is not fair on either of us and it has to end.
Only serious advice please..
Serious advice - find another boyfriend.
I'm sorry, but this man deserves to be with someone who is sexually attracted to him and who wants him. Find yourself someone that you want and move on.
Thanks again for all the advice everyone. I am not going to tell him I am gay just to get out of the relationship easier though.. and to answer the question of some, no I don't think I have ever been physically attracted to him. He is the furthest thing from my type, but he is an amazing person inside. Maybe it has always been sex out of obligation, I truly can't remember the last time it was enjoyable to me.
I was thinking of saying this to him....
"I don't think we should be together anymore. As hard as this may be for you to believe right now, I do love you, but the truth is my feelings aren't the same as they once were. This has become more of a friendship (although I do want to avoid using the f word!) to me. We never have sex and I don't care. I should. I should want to be intimate with you and want you to want to be intimate with me, but I don't. I think this is something I have felt for a while, but I have had a hard time coming to terms with it because I knew admitting it to myself meant losing you out of my life. I'm sorry if you think I lied but it is very hard to admit something to someone else when you can't even face up to it yourself. This is not fair on either of us".
Does that sound ok?
If you are certain that you have never really had a sexual attraction to him and there are no other issues that you haven't mentioned, then I think what you planning on saying is just fine. - Good luck
After 6 years sometimes the spark dies down, ask anyone who's been married for a long time.
I don't think you should just dump him, maybe you need some counseling or something? Spice up your lovelife?
ETA: If everyone who had the spark die out left their spouses no one would be married anymore. You can keep jumping from partner to partner, but it'll probably happen again w/ the next guy after a few years, There may be deeper issues here.
Yes, therefore I still suggest a break-up. I wouldn't have, if they had kids and were married, then I would suggest counseling.
They are not married yet and she already doesn't want him, THAT'S BAD. Sounds like trouble and cheating from either of the sides could be on the horizon.
Thanks again for all the advice everyone. I am not going to tell him I am gay just to get out of the relationship easier though.. and to answer the question of some, no I don't think I have ever been physically attracted to him. He is the furthest thing from my type, but he is an amazing person inside. Maybe it has always been sex out of obligation, I truly can't remember the last time it was enjoyable to me.
I was thinking of saying this to him....
"I don't think we should be together anymore. As hard as this may be for you to believe right now, I do love you, but the truth is my feelings aren't the same as they once were. This has become more of a friendship (although I do want to avoid using the f word!) to me. We never have sex and I don't care. I should. I should want to be intimate with you and want you to want to be intimate with me, but I don't. I think this is something I have felt for a while, but I have had a hard time coming to terms with it because I knew admitting it to myself meant losing you out of my life. I'm sorry if you think I lied but it is very hard to admit something to someone else when you can't even face up to it yourself. This is not fair on either of us".
Yes, therefore I still suggest a break-up. I wouldn't have, if they had kids and were married, then I would suggest counseling.
They are not married yet and she already doesn't want him, THAT'S BAD. Sounds like trouble and cheating from either of the sides could be on the horizon.
Yeah I just don't want her to throw away a good man and find this happening over and over...and then regret it! Cuz after a while this does happen to a lot of people, it's not abnormal and I think many women/men have left good partners because of this w/out trying to resolve it.
Good sex is easy to find, a good partner? Not so much.
I think what you have planned to say sounds really good. I wouldn't rub salt in an open wound by telling him that you are not turned on by him anymore. That is just hurtful. Just tell him it's not working out for either one of you, and it's not fair to stay together, if you can't give the other one what they deserve. Good luck!
Yeah I just don't want her to throw away a good man and find this happening over and over...and then regret it! Cuz after a while this does happen to a lot of people, it's not abnormal and I think many women/men have left good partners because of this w/out trying to resolve it.
Good sex is easy to find, a good partner? Not so much.
I disagree. Good sex is actually not easy to find and it's so crucial to the relationship.
A man deserves to be with the woman that wants him. No amount of therapy can help her want him, I guarantee you.
I agree though with you that too many marriages had been broken for such reasons.
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