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Old 01-28-2010, 08:22 PM
 
694 posts, read 1,231,123 times
Reputation: 365

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Quote:
Originally Posted by akeshabelle View Post
Thank you learningCA
My pleasure, darling!
I know that you are ready to stand on your own feet and love with pure passion.
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Old 01-28-2010, 08:29 PM
 
14 posts, read 13,638 times
Reputation: 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by ShanesG View Post
That's what i believe you would call a "Best Friend" >__< Honestly, you should not be with this guy. It should have never even turned into a relationship if oyu had no sexual connection, i don't understand how you could have even let that happen. I donno, it's just boggles my mind.
It's one of those things that just happened. I was 20 when we first met, he was just about to turn 40.

As I said I was going through a terrible time and he was there for me when no one else was. Even in the beginning something felt a little off to me, but all I knew is that I loved his company and he treated me better than any man I'd been with before (not that my experience was vast), and he has never changed that behaviour, so I stayed. I think if we also hadn't moved in together I would find this a lot easier. If I could just end it then go, but it's not that simple.
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Old 01-28-2010, 08:36 PM
 
694 posts, read 1,231,123 times
Reputation: 365
Maybe older men might learn something from your story, akeshabelle.

Be kind for the sake of it, not for everlasting rewards...
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Old 01-28-2010, 08:40 PM
 
14 posts, read 13,638 times
Reputation: 27
Could it be not that I am not attracted to him anymore but that I just don't feel a connection with him anymore??

I just had this thought, because I love hugging and kissing him and cuddling up with him, but I don't want anything more physically. If I wasn't attracted at all I wouldn't want to go near him, right?

As disgusting as this might sound someone once said to me that is because you have a daddy, not a boyfriend. Do you think the age difference plays a part??

I am sorry I am just trying to figure out my messed up feelings.
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Old 01-28-2010, 08:42 PM
 
Location: The High Seas
7,372 posts, read 15,976,804 times
Reputation: 11866
Quote:
he is very overweight, hairy and he is poorly endowed.
Honesty is not the best policy in this case.
Unfortunately, you're going to lose a good friend, but that's how it has to be.
No magic words. He'll be hurt.
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Old 01-28-2010, 09:05 PM
 
694 posts, read 1,231,123 times
Reputation: 365
Quote:
Originally Posted by akeshabelle View Post
It's one of those things that just happened. I was 20 when we first met, he was just about to turn 40.

As I said I was going through a terrible time and he was there for me when no one else was. Even in the beginning something felt a little off to me, but all I knew is that I loved his company and he treated me better than any man I'd been with before (not that my experience was vast), and he has never changed that behaviour, so I stayed. I think if we also hadn't moved in together I would find this a lot easier. If I could just end it then go, but it's not that simple.
akeshabelle, if you are financially dependent on this man, no advice on this forum will solve things for you.

You are a grown woman now, you know that everything comes with a price tag.

If you are attached to what this man has to offer and not willing to risk being on your own, pay your price graciously.

Otherwise, as you are not getting any younger, sooner or later he will figure things out for himself and move on.

Plan your next steps toward financial independence or play your role with grace from now on.

Last edited by learningCA; 01-28-2010 at 09:18 PM..
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Old 01-28-2010, 09:24 PM
 
22,768 posts, read 30,670,896 times
Reputation: 14737
Quote:
Originally Posted by akeshabelle View Post
I feel terrible for lying but I can't bring myself to be harsh with him.
I don't really understand this perspective, but it seems clear that you knew the answer to this whole issue before you came here.

So then it seems that you just need to be absolved of your guilt for lying? I don't know. I don't understand. I do feel that the ball is in his court somewhat, and it has been the whole time. He was complicit with this. If he is not enough of a functional human being to deal with this situation, either turn you on or break up with you, then it is not difficult for me to understand why you're not attracted to him. Why you continue to stay is the difficult part for me to figure, when you say "I can't bring myself.." I really just draw a blank, I cannot relate. But I see no reason for you to feel tremendous guilt over this, unless you have him confined to a cage or something.
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Old 01-28-2010, 09:33 PM
 
Location: MTL/Toronto, Canada
85 posts, read 226,777 times
Reputation: 62
Quote:
Originally Posted by akeshabelle View Post
Thanks everybody.



I didn't know which word to use there, serious was the only one that came to mind. What I really meant was I didn't want a bunch of guys on here calling me names and saying things like "Go on then, go and have meaningless sex with a whole bunch of men, you'll see what you missed with your current bf because they'll all kick you to the curb, then don't come crying to us!!!" because it's not like that at all. As hard as it is to believe now I love this man, I truly do.



I am beginning to think, no. I was very young when we started dating and wasn't really sure what I was getting myself into. I was going through a very rough time and all I knew was there was this new man in my life who was there for me when no one else was. As I said in my OP, I have no desire to amp up anything.

One of my concerns is breaking this to him after so many denials. He will be shattered to discover that I lied to spare his feelings. I know it was wrong but at the time it just came out.

I can't say those words I am not physically attracted to you.
If you couldn't devleop attraction for him after all this time, then you need to tell him that it has to end now. Do both of you a favor.

As a guy, I would find it quite a bullet to dodge. It plainly sucks from a guy's prospective. Really.

However, the longer you delay the inevitable, the more it will hurt for both of you, especially him.
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Old 01-28-2010, 10:06 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
14,229 posts, read 29,970,145 times
Reputation: 27686
I was the unwanted one in a very long term marriage. It's not right or fair for you to continue this travesty of a relationship. You both deserve to be with people who want you and are wanted in return.

Long term, this will destroy you both and end badly. All the good you see in your relationship will disappear. Your wonderful man will be shattered and probably permanently damaged. Think about what you are doing to him and you.

The good news for you is that you can probably go on to a new relationship and be sexually 'normal'. Your BF may not be that lucky. He may need therapy.

I feel bad for both of you.
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Old 01-29-2010, 06:38 AM
 
Location: The Jar
20,058 posts, read 18,261,749 times
Reputation: 37120
Quote:
Originally Posted by learningCA View Post
If you are just looking for gentle words to end it this could be a way:

Mention that your feelings for him are quite deep as he has responded to your needs in so many ways, he's been the most important person in your life for all these years.
However, the sexual chemistry is not there.

You hoped that time was going to take care of it but that hasn't happened. You are very conflicted when going through the motions of intimacy as you feel guilty for not being honest with him
and true to yourself.

Is he willing to contemplate a sexless life with you?

Give him the opportunity to end it.

Good luck.
Excellent advice!!!!!!!
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