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An old friend of mine is in a somewhat similar situation. She has been seeing a married man for about 3 years now. He gives her expensive presents (I am talking Gucci purses) and takes her on luxurious vacation. She has developed serious feelings towards him (he says he has too, but I seriously doubt that). Not only does he still sleep with his wife, but also with other women, when out of town for business (they work together, so she hears about his escapades from other co-workers).
She started dating a nice guy about a year ago. He has no idea what's going on. Now THAT I don't get. I mean I don't get or condone any of her doings, but THAT I REALLY don't get. Why would you even start a relationship, if you're with someone else?A NEW relationship! I understand when people are ALREADY with someone - someone they're unhappy with, but can't bring themselves to leave. But start something new? That's retarded, I am sorry.
I can't believe she's doing this, and honestly, I don't even know if I still consider her a friend (and we've been friends for 25 years now, since we were 3). I just can't keep listening to her men stories anymore.
Don't really have advice for you, but wanted to share. Good luck! It's hard to be friends with people, who do such things.
Thanks for sharing. Your friend sounds as selfish and insecure as mine. I do not condone it and in fact, find it disturbing. We have parted company, but I just wanted some feedback as this has been nagging at me for quite awhile. It does not bode well for a person's character or lack thereof. Your friend sounds as if she does not want to give up the bling. So superficial.
This thread is an offshoot of another thread that I started yesterday. This issue is something that I have long been at odds with and I was wondering what other people's thoughts would be on the subject.
My friend was having a long term affair with a married man. She is married and cannot stand her husband, but had no intentions of leaving him due to insecurity issues, financially and otherwise. The guy that she was carrying on the affair with was married for ten years or more and had no intentions of leaving his wife. In fact, midway through my friend's realtionship with him, she found out via a third party that he and his wife had just adopted a child. He told my friend that he was going on vacation while he was actually finalizing out of state adoption procedures. When I heard this, it was more than clear to me that he had no intentions of ending his marriage. Getting pregnant is one thing, but going out of your way to add a child to your family is quite a statement. My friend got pissed off that he did not tell her and argued with him about it, but she was satisfied with the status quo as she would not leave her hubby anyway. It seemd to me that as long as she was stuck, she was satisfied that the guy was also stuck.
My point is, the guy is a dog, but wasn't it selfish on my friends part to continue the affair knowing full well that the guy's wife was oblivious to their shenanigans and attempting to have a real family by adopting a child? This was not just a fling, this went on for ten years. Six years before the adoption and for a few years after. As a woman, shouldn't she have had more compassion and empathy for the guy's wife? Maybe I'm being too judgmental, but this is one of the reasons that I supected my friend of having narcissistic tendencies. She also would insist that if she ever left her husband, the guy would have the urge to leave his wife for her. I did not agree, but never dared to tell her that.
The underlined text highlights one of your mistaken assumptions - that females are innately more compassionate.
The truth is, the human capacity for brutality, cruelty, selfishness, dishonesty, and hurtfulness does not discriminate between genders (or race, age, class, education, etc). Your lady friend committed adultery on her husband for an entire decade.
OF COURSE your lady friend was selfish. She was selfish not only towards her own husband, whom she could have technically set free via a divorce since she couldn't stand him; she was also selfish towards the wife of her lover, because by engaging in an amorous, sexual relationship with another woman's husband, she was stealing that which wasn't hers to begin with.
From what you say, the tryst has remained a secret for these 10 years.
I'm going to sound very harsh, but I even wonder why you remained friends with this woman. We have become too soft and politically correct towards those we call friends - we are taught to believe that what others do is their business. That is true, but did you ever stop and think that if your lady friend had the capacity to willingly engage in a decade-long adulterous relationship, betraying her own husband and committing a reprehensible act towards her lover's wife as well, that this woman may well have absolutely no qualms about deceiving or betraying YOU or any of her other friends?
Many people who commit adultery get caught; others don't; but many times, adulterers in both camps later deeply regret their actions; not only because adultery is wrong, but because it almost always greatly harms innocents (children, 3rd parties).
Did you REALLY need to come to an online bulletin board to get confirmation about your lady friend's twisted morals?
I don't think you're being too judgmental. The man is married and he's cheating on his wife. That alone shows he's not trustworthy. If his own wife can't trust him, then why should the woman he's having an affair with trust him? Narcissist isn't the word I would use to describe your friend in this situation. Instead, I would just call her unbelievably stupid. If he's cheating on his wife with you, then how do you know he's not cheating with someone else too? His word? Like that counts for anything. This is why I'll never understand people who have affairs with married people. Before the affair's even started, it's been established that the other person is a liar. I guess the lesson your friend should've learned is that if you're going to have an affair, have it with someone who isn't also married. But I personally could not be friends with someone cheats on their spouse regardless of whether the person they're cheating with is also married or not. I started a thread on this and it elicited strong opinions.
Thanks for the feedback. You are so right. A mature person and empathetic person cannot keep up the charade for so long. It troubled me because it spoke volumes about who she really was. I agree totally about trusting a cheat. If they did it with you, they can do it to you. I observed no remorse, reservations of guilt whatsoever concerning her husband (he did not cheat) or the guy's wife.
I think it's a little simplistic to say that someone is selfish, or narcissistic, or whatever. People cheat for all kinds of reasons. Some are serial cheaters, and will do that with anyone, given the chance. But I think for most, it's more complex.
Maybe they got married to the wrong person, or for the wrong reasons. Maybe their marriage is h*ll on earth, and you don't know that. Maybe they found real love with someone else, who unfortunately, is married as well. Maybe they are too insecure to break up their marriage (financially, emotionally, whatever). Maybe there are kids involved, and they are staying married b/c of that.
It's easy to point fingers and demonize cheaters. I'm not advocating cheating - don't misunderstand me. But I don't think that it's generally something that people want to do b/c they're evil, selfish, can't control themselves or whatever. Imagine how hard it is, to live a lie for 10 yrs - to lie to your spouse, to try to make plans with your lover and cover it up, to wonder why your lover is still your lover and hasn't left his/her spouse for you.....I don't think that is a way most people would choose to live. But when they do it, there are probably many reasons that go much deeper than we will ever know.
What I don't get in situation like these (OP and my story) is - what does that woman (OP's friend and my friend) WANT? Do they REALLY want THAT man? The man, that is capable of cheating on his wife for years? Or if they don't want him to leave the wife - then what DO they want?
Thanks for the feedback. You are so right. A mature person and empathetic person cannot keep up the charade for so long. It troubled me because it spoke volumes about who she really was. I agree totally about trusting a cheat. If they did it with you, they can do it to you. I observed no remorse, reservations of guilt whatsoever concerning her husband (he did not cheat) or the guy's wife.
Are you forgetting she's a cheat as well? They are both morally corrupt and both are dirty whores. She is no better than the man she is shagging.
What I don't get in situation like these (OP and my story) is - what does that woman (OP's friend and my friend) WANT? Do they REALLY want THAT man? The man, that is capable of cheating on his wife for years? Or if they don't want him to leave the wife - then what DO they want?
I think it is some kind of validation, either that others find them attractive or that they are still young and desirable. My friend is over forty, but dresses like a fifteen year old. It's always about how she looks to others...physically.
She and the guy never went on a real date. He worked at her apartment complex and admitted to me that he was her reason for getting dressed up every day. The only place that she ever met up with him off premises, was at her mother's house, when her mother was out...believe it or not.
The underlined text highlights one of your mistaken assumptions - that females are innately more compassionate.
The truth is, the human capacity for brutality, cruelty, selfishness, dishonesty, and hurtfulness does not discriminate between genders (or race, age, class, education, etc). Your lady friend committed adultery on her husband for an entire decade.
OF COURSE your lady friend was selfish. She was selfish not only towards her own husband, whom she could have technically set free via a divorce since she couldn't stand him; she was also selfish towards the wife of her lover, because by engaging in an amorous, sexual relationship with another woman's husband, she was stealing that which wasn't hers to begin with.
From what you say, the tryst has remained a secret for these 10 years.
I'm going to sound very harsh, but I even wonder why you remained friends with this woman. We have become too soft and politically correct towards those we call friends - we are taught to believe that what others do is their business. That is true, but did you ever stop and think that if your lady friend had the capacity to willingly engage in a decade-long adulterous relationship, betraying her own husband and committing a reprehensible act towards her lover's wife as well, that this woman may well have absolutely no qualms about deceiving or betraying YOU or any of her other friends?
Many people who commit adultery get caught; others don't; but many times, adulterers in both camps later deeply regret their actions; not only because adultery is wrong, but because it almost always greatly harms innocents (children, 3rd parties).
Did you REALLY need to come to an online bulletin board to get confirmation about your lady friend's twisted morals?
I agree with your post. The reason that I was interested in getting feedback was because the two of us have been friends for fifteen years and although I needed to end the friendship, it is difficult not to look back with some sadness. Getting the feedback helps the closure process I guess. I knew that it was the right thing to do or I would not have done it.
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