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I know what the answer is regarding what she should do about it, but I am just wondering what would actually go through your head at the very moment your SO said, "You need to be the woman you should be to me or get the f*ck out."
A little background....obviously an abusive situation. And let me preface this by saying that I don't want to make this about why she stayed nor do I want this to devolve into another platform for the usual "there are two sides to every story", "she must like the abuse if she stayed", though I realize I have no control over any of this...lol.
This couple has been together for 3 years. The abuse started about 6 months into it. He made promise after promise that he would go to counseling. In the meantime, she sunk into a deep depression and, as a result, has no sex drive. Man would always make comments to her about how it is so great to feel unwanted, how he's getting a blowup doll, how she makes him feel so unsexy - the typical narcissist victim talk. She'd let it go because calling him on anything usually turned ugly. But it seems, on this particular day, she'd had enough. She told him he needed to step outside of himself and examine why SHE doesn't want it as opposed to spotlighting how he is being slighted. She them told him why; he hasn't gone to counseling, he is abusive to her still. He tells her that she needs to let go of the past. She says it is hard to when it keeps happening and he is doing nothing to change it. He said if she doesn't love him she should just go. She said not wanting sex has nothing to do with loving him. She does love him, but wants him to get help. That is when he told her what I quoted above.
I actually sat there and thought to myself - what a cruel and degrading thing to say. I would probably feel like a walking vagina. I'd be completely humiliated, floored, speechless. And the fact that he equates sex to love is sad. Feeling entitled to it is just appalling.
I know what the answer is regarding what she should do about it, but I am just wondering what would actually go through your head at the very moment your SO said, "You need to be the woman you should be to me or get the f*ck out."
A little background....obviously an abusive situation. And let me preface this by saying that I don't want to make this about why she stayed nor do I want this to devolve into another platform for the usual "there are two sides to every story", "she must like the abuse if she stayed", though I realize I have no control over any of this...lol.
This couple has been together for 3 years. The abuse started about 6 months into it. He made promise after promise that he would go to counseling. In the meantime, she sunk into a deep depression and, as a result, has no sex drive. Man would always make comments to her about how it is so great to feel unwanted, how he's getting a blowup doll, how she makes him feel so unsexy - the typical narcissist victim talk. She'd let it go because calling him on anything usually turned ugly. But it seems, on this particular day, she'd had enough. She told him he needed to step outside of himself and examine why SHE doesn't want it as opposed to spotlighting how he is being slighted. She them told him why; he hasn't gone to counseling, he is abusive to her still. He tells her that she needs to let go of the past. She says it is hard to when it keeps happening and he is doing nothing to change it. He said if she doesn't love him she should just go. She said not wanting sex has nothing to do with loving him. She does love him, but wants him to get help. That is when he told her what I quoted above.
I actually sat there and thought to myself - what a cruel and degrading thing to say. I would probably feel like a walking vagina. I'd be completely humiliated, floored, speechless. And the fact that he equates sex to love is sad. Feeling entitled to it is just appalling.
If my husband made a comment to me like that, you bet your behind that I would be gone, let alone all the extra little details that you have described about him.
Thats a shame that he doesn`t take their marriage more seriosly.
Yeah, that's only part of the story. He really does hit below the belt, dodges the issue and dances around it. For example, when she used to call him on something he'd respond with "Oh yeah, I'm so horrible. I don't come home and love on you at all. I wasn't there for you when you went into the hospital.", when, obviously, she is not complaining about any of that. These things kinda go without saying when you love someone. Basically, loving on her and staying with her when she is in the hospital should make her shut up and not have any issues with the things he does wrong. She is ungrateful for having a complaint.
Well based on the background provided, whilst I suspect the comment SHOULD make me feel completely negated and a faulty walking blow up doll, I guess if I'm in that situation it quite likely would be just more white noise and it might not even be seen as much more than extra negative reinforcement of my wrongness or set off my people pleaser button to try harder.
Depending on the circumstances it could be a defining catalyst type comment OR just more of the same designed to keep me in my box AND if I'm already half stuffed into the box it could just wash over me.
Standing outside the situation, if that comment came out of the blue from a normally loving SO then I might consider it a rather large wake up call and a huge indicator that he is incredibly hurt and frustrated about something and things haven't been going how I thought.
It's easy enough from here (outside of the situation) to recognize exactly what it is and what it means and say she needs to be a long way away from someone like that BUT I'm guessing that from the inside (where she is) it could just be more of the same and if she's living in a desensitized state (AND to survive she probably IS living in a desensitized state) on a scale of awfulness it might not make her feel much of anything at all.
SO how it would make ME feel is kind of difficult to say as a definitive because I'm not her, I'm not in the situation AND when I was in a similar situation I can honestly say it most likely would have just washed right over me.
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