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Old 02-06-2010, 10:03 AM
 
4 posts, read 20,660 times
Reputation: 11

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Hi everyone, do you you have any advice for me? My husband and I are in our late 40's, we have been married 6 years, it is the second marriage for both of us. We have a nice life together, of course we have ups and downs. The problem for me is not so much that my husband does not want to take responsibility for anything, it is that I don't know how to respond when it happens. For example, He has an 18 year old son who lives primarily with his mother. we have him every other weekend, every other holdiay, some vacations weeks and occassionally some extra days. My husband's son has been in my life for over 10 years now and I love him dearly and look forward to our weekends. I am very fortunate to have that relationship. One thing I do ask of my husband is to let me know when he makes other arrangements with his son. (change weekends, add more days, swap days with his ex, etc.) I will plan a meal, set the table for 3 and then my husband will tell me, oh matt's not coming tonight, or the other way around, I may plan a special dinner for 2 on our free weekend, set the table for 2 then my husband will say oh matt's coming. Not a big deal except my husband will blame the lack of communication on me or his ex. Usually he says he just found out, but it seems very often that i find out he actually knew about it days or weeks before hand, but will say his ex just sprung it on him, or he may say he told me, which i can accept that i may have forgotten but this happens way to often, it's like a pattern. This is just one small example. My husband also seems to have this problem at work, he will come home and say he didn't have anything to do all day or will complain that he does not know what his boss wants him to do. I will ask if he has talked to his boss, he says yes, but then twists the situation around so that all the blame is on his boss or co-workers. Yes, sometimes I am sure the blame is shared, but never will my husband accept responsibility. Part of it feels more like a communication problem and like he is trying to control a sitution. for example he may invite a friend over a week in advance, but not tell me until the friend drives into the driveway. or he may make arrangements to go skiing with a friend next week but he won't tell me until he packing his stuff into the truck and ready to leave. Again he will say it just came up, but often I will learn it was plans made in advance. we share a very small parttime job writing for a hometown newspaper. we split up the writing assignments. I usually write my article and ask him to proof read and edit and tell me if he thinks I made an error, etc. He writes his articles and sends them in. Often our boss will call asking for a correction etc. on his articles. One time I asked his if I could read one of his articles before he sent it in. He was very reluctant, i picked up on an error and brought it his attention. He did not do anything about it and sent it in anyway. The boss called to have it corrected. I asked my husband, "you sent it in anyway even though I told you it had an error"? He just blew it off by saying he did not think I was right. He will never admit he is wrong. He is out of work right now, a few people suggested he take a resume course, but he said he was all set. one day i asked him if he would like me to proofread his resume, i said sometimes another set of eyes helps. he was reluctant but agreed. The resume was a mess. Grammer errors, spelling errors, out of date format, etc. I knew he would never accept if I pointed out all the errors, I just picked out a couple spelling errors and suggested maybe he check out a book we have on our bookshelves about writing resumes. He blew off my suggestion and did it his way (as he always does). I swear to God, if I suggest something he does just the opposite. Well, a friend of his suggested that he apply for a job at the company his friend works for. His friend was the one who would review the resumes and send the best canidates on to his boss. My husband really fit the qulifications for the job and his friend highly recommended him. My husband just assumed he had the job and the need for the resume was just a formality. He submitted his resume to his friend. His friend called and left a message on our answering machine that basically said, hey buddy, you got the qualifications, but i can't send this resume to the next level or it will be rejected. He asked my husband go to a resume writing workshop at the library, this is held once a month and is free, then resubmit his resume. Even though very reluctant and saying his friend didn't know anything about resume writing, he did go to the workshop. He came home angry. Apparently the instructor told him to completely start over on a new resume. So now the resume writing instructor was to blame. I don't ever remember my husband ever ever saying he is sorry, or that something was his mistake. Well, you probably get the picture of what i am trying to say. To avoid having my husband think I am putting him down, or to appear that I am the authority on everything, which I am not, I just say ok, or that's must be difficult for you, or I understand etc. I am beginning to wonder if I am actually enabling him to not take some responsibility. I really could use some advice. How should I respond or act when this kind of stuff happens? thanks
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Old 02-06-2010, 10:07 AM
 
28,896 posts, read 54,045,943 times
Reputation: 46669
Yes, you are.

Stop cleaning up after him. Stop cooking his meals. And make him responsible for the arrangements behind his son's visits. And when things go awry, shrug your shoulders and say, "Well, you didn't get it done."
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Old 02-06-2010, 11:21 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
16,224 posts, read 25,622,012 times
Reputation: 24104
Call him on it when it happens, and if he tells you that "it just came up" then explain to him that he can finish making the "unplanned" arrangements himself from now on.
Make it loud and clear how you feel about his behaviour. No excuses!
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Old 02-06-2010, 11:53 AM
 
3,059 posts, read 8,265,681 times
Reputation: 3281
It sounds like you basically like him okay, which is good, but sounds like he may have a combo of Adult Attention Deficit Disorder with some Borderline Personality Disorder traits thrown in.

None of his behaviour is earth-shattering on its own, but the accumulation of all of them together would be quite annoying, and it doesn't sound like it is going to abate on its own.

He is too old to be denying responsibility for actions that clearly ARE his responsibility, and yes, you are definitely enabling him, and need to figure out why.

I would recommend marriage counselling. No point in going through life unhappy when the situation is quite fixable.
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Old 02-06-2010, 11:57 AM
 
Location: In the real world!
2,178 posts, read 9,563,767 times
Reputation: 2847
Hay, let him float his own boat and suffer the consequences all by himself when it sinks.. Quit jumping in, he don't want you there anyway.

For the times the son shows up unannounced and you have cooked for only 2, YOU eat YOUR portion, give the son the Dad's and tell Dad to make a sandwich!
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Old 02-06-2010, 12:02 PM
 
Location: SW MO
23,593 posts, read 37,394,969 times
Reputation: 29336
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunshineleith View Post
It sounds like you basically like him okay, which is good, but sounds like he may have a combo of Adult Attention Deficit Disorder with some Borderline Personality Disorder traits thrown in.

None of his behaviour is earth-shattering on its own, but the accumulation of all of them together would be quite annoying, and it doesn't sound like it is going to abate on its own.

He is too old to be denying responsibility for actions that clearly ARE his responsibility, and yes, you are definitely enabling him, and need to figure out why.

I would recommend marriage counselling. No point in going through life unhappy when the situation is quite fixable.
I agree. There are decidedly traits of BPD. He may also be somewhat NPD (narcissistic).
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Old 02-06-2010, 12:15 PM
 
Location: Kingman AZ
15,370 posts, read 39,047,430 times
Reputation: 9215
and learn to compose.......ONE paragraph....that's to hard to read...sorry
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Old 02-06-2010, 12:29 PM
 
Location: Somewhere on Earth
1,052 posts, read 1,644,886 times
Reputation: 712
For consideration next time, please space your paragraphs a bit as it's a bit difficult to read that lengthy single paragraph without spacing

As for your husband, I do think you are enabling him. He doesn't want to fess up that he might be wrong and acts defensive and you allow him to.

I think the proper thing to do is to either:

a) Sit down and talk with him about this issue and make him agree that if he starts this nonsense again, you will call him out and it and he WILL obey.

b) Explain to him your feelings as I don't think I've read anywhere in the paragraph about you actually confronting him about the shirking of his responsibilities and lack of communication and come up with a solution.

c) Ignore him for awhile so when he vents, he doesn't have you to enable him. If he starts complaining about his boss, job, etc say "I'm sorry, but this is your issue and I'll give you space to work this out".

Goodness knows you need to get out of this drama.

As for your stepson, tell him to personally drop you a call if he ever is dropping by. Just nonchalantly say if he'll give you a heads up a few hours or so in order for you to make the house special for his coming over or something. Or you could call him up and ask what his weekend schedule prior Friday.

Good luck
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Old 02-06-2010, 12:30 PM
 
6,497 posts, read 11,792,699 times
Reputation: 11124
Quote:
Originally Posted by dynimagelv View Post
and learn to compose.......ONE paragraph....that's to hard to read...sorry
Yeah, and she complains about her husband's writing.
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Old 02-06-2010, 03:01 PM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,568 posts, read 18,069,299 times
Reputation: 16702
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laura707 View Post
For the times the son shows up unannounced and you have cooked for only 2, YOU eat YOUR portion, give the son the Dad's and tell Dad to make a sandwich!

I like this - a lot! It's a bit of behavior modification.

And I totally agree with 2 others - please use paragraphs! You have 3, 4, or even 5 issues. Each could have used its own paragraph. Writing online is no different than writing your article for the local newspaper.

No on to the issues:

Your husband has some serious issues for which he needs therapy but I am 98% certain he would not go, would deny he needs help, and it wouldn't help anyway. So you are stuck accepting these shortcomings of his EXCEPT where it directly affects you; specifically with regard to arrangements made ahead of time and him not informing you.

So, where his son is concerned, someone else suggested asking the son to let you know. That would help you somewhat, but I don't think it's going to solve the problem. The above poster suggested feeding you and stepson when he shows up unscheduled is a good solution but it will make your stepson feel uncomfortable. So I believe you need to let the stepson in on your plans to HELP your husband.

Keep in mind that every behavior has a consequence. Some consequences are good and some are not, while others are enough to help the person WANT to change. So that's what you have to come up with - the aversive. It varies by individual and none of us know your husband well enough to know what would be a reward (good consequence) and what would be an aversive (bad enough consequence to want to never have it happen again). I will give you some examples:

Stepson arrives unexpectedly, a switched weekend and hubby didn't tell you. You announce that you had bought tickets to xyz (some sporting event) and since you were unaware stepson was coming, you only bought 2, not 3; you and stepson are going. Then take the boy and go out - anywhere. I'm sure you can find something to do together - a movie, bowling, the weekend skiing.

A friend of his arrives unexpectedly. So, you put on a robe, heels, walk into the living room and say, "Oh, I didn't know you were planning on company; I had a whole evening planned for just the two of us. Or did you know and you planned to make it a 3-some?" That would have embarrassed the crap out of my Ex - he he. Or you might even say, "Did you forget that you promised to go do xyz at your mother's? She will be so disappointed."

If he starts to take off on a skiing trip, jump into the truck and go with him. You can buy clothes when you get there. Thank him for the surprise vacation/honeymoon.
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