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Location: Lots of sun and palm trees with occasional hurricane :)
8,293 posts, read 16,120,133 times
Reputation: 7018
Hmmmmmmm
Well, I'll tell you. I do a whole heck of a lot of stuff around the house and work full time and sit in traffic and keep up with the dogs and cats and vet and buy groceries and pet food and do laundry and dishes and cook (sometimes) and pay all the bills and do all the planning and budgeting and get the paint and do the painting and find the windows and the roofer and on, and on, and on.
Thank goodness I don't have small kids (but I have pets).
This is my life description when I have been single and when not. My nature is to be "ready", on time, organized, on top of everything, overseeing everything, and making all the decisions. I also don't wait for anybody to "see" something before I do (and that kills me). I'm too much of a perfectionist too (which is not so good) and am compulsive.
So.....in as much as I get royally ticked when I see that something needs to be done but it seems I am the only one who is aware, it is really my fault.
I think many couples end up with one person carrying the brunt of the "daily routine" because they did not marry a clone and it is just one's nature to be one way or the other. If I wasn't compulsive, either many things wouldn't get done or they would be done "eventually".
On the other hand, I can't fix the car, I can't cut the lawn, I can't pressure wash the roof. I don't have the physical strength to do many "men" things. So.....that brings me to another point. THOSE things that I can't do, should be obvious to the person who can do it. Why does it have to wait for me to start nagging, nagging, nagging? Then get ticked off and have to end up calling an outsider to do it???
I wouldn't say men or women really are just selfish per se. Some definitely are but I think it's mostly that men and women are oblivious to a lot of different things.
I think if you are a house-husband-dad, the man ends up being just as in tune to the daily grind as a woman would.
I think to get along.....both people in the relationship should really have about the same level of compulsiveness, willingness, patience, and learn to balance and complement each other.
So........since I end up living like I am single, I am single now! :-))
i'll be blunt,,so dont you woman throw any eggs at me (please)
if your man is selfish, then 1. you didnt know him well enough before you married him.2 you married him with thoughts you could change him. 3. you didnt react quick enough early in your marriage when you saw the red flags, or you appeased, so there wouldnt be a fight. 4, your man is a workaholic, trying to do for his family financially.
i believe two people grow together, when in a relationship,,,,which i believe most of us do,,,but often,,,controlling, manipulative behavior ,,leads to distance, and distance is a relationship killer,,
the common denominator is communications.
in many cases if a man is emotionally impotent or very selfish,,,its because he is allowed to be,,,,a wise/good man will try, ,,,for his wife,,put her first.
also,,thiers another dynamic,,,many men,,,would gladly help out more,,,but the woman is a perfectionist,,its never good enough,,so the man stops trying.
,,and as the old saying goes, if the man isnt the same man you married,,thats a two way street..
dont misunderstand me,,i have great respect for woman who try to do it all,,,but ive seen many fall into a superwoman complex,,and shes stretched too thin,,and never feels content,,,or caught up....because not everything is "perfect" on all fronts,,
i'll be blunt,,so dont you woman throw any eggs at me (please)
if your man is selfish, then 1. you didnt know him well enough before you married him.2 you married him with thoughts you could change him. 3. you didnt react quick enough early in your marriage when you saw the red flags, or you appeased, so there wouldnt be a fight. 4, your man is a workaholic, trying to do for his family financially.
i believe two people grow together, when in a relationship,,,,which i believe most of us do,,,but often,,,controlling, manipulative behavior ,,leads to distance, and distance is a relationship killer,,
the common denominator is communications.
in many cases if a man is emotionally impotent or very selfish,,,its because he is allowed to be,,,,a wise/good man will try, ,,,for his wife,,put her first.
also,,thiers another dynamic,,,many men,,,would gladly help out more,,,but the woman is a perfectionist,,its never good enough,,so the man stops trying.
,,and as the old saying goes, if the man isnt the same man you married,,thats a two way street..
dont misunderstand me,,i have great respect for woman who try to do it all,,,but ive seen many fall into a superwoman complex,,and shes stretched too thin,,and never feels content,,,or caught up....because not everything is "perfect" on all fronts,,
just my two cents
I'm number 2!!!!! Number 2 is me!!!! *raises hand* And it isn't so much I thought I could change him......I just thought in time....he would mature....fine...I'm guilty
Location: Lots of sun and palm trees with occasional hurricane :)
8,293 posts, read 16,120,133 times
Reputation: 7018
Quote:
Originally Posted by mainebrokerman
i'll be blunt,,so dont you woman throw any eggs at me (please)
if your man is selfish, then 1. you didnt know him well enough before you married him.2 you married him with thoughts you could change him. 3. you didnt react quick enough early in your marriage when you saw the red flags, or you appeased, so there wouldnt be a fight. 4, your man is a workaholic, trying to do for his family financially.
i believe two people grow together, when in a relationship,,,,which i believe most of us do,,,but often,,,controlling, manipulative behavior ,,leads to distance, and distance is a relationship killer,,
the common denominator is communications.
in many cases if a man is emotionally impotent or very selfish,,,its because he is allowed to be,,,,a wise/good man will try, ,,,for his wife,,put her first.
also,,thiers another dynamic,,,many men,,,would gladly help out more,,,but the woman is a perfectionist,,its never good enough,,so the man stops trying.
,,and as the old saying goes, if the man isnt the same man you married,,thats a two way street..
dont misunderstand me,,i have great respect for woman who try to do it all,,,but ive seen many fall into a superwoman complex,,and shes stretched too thin,,and never feels content,,,or caught up....because not everything is "perfect" on all fronts,,
just my two cents
You weren't talking about me there were you because I'm a NICE perfectionist!
You're sorta kinda right about some things. I pick on little things like one piece of grass sticking up higher than the rest, if the picture is not hung in EXACTLY the right place, etc. Stuff like that. I'm not much for sloppiness. I complain mostly of having to do just about everything around the house and then there are the other things that I can't do and the other person is not rushed enough about it because the TV comes first, the friend's problem comes first, the napping comes first and everything is "later".
OR... I'm going to do such and such on Saturday. Lo and behold, somebody shows up or somebody else needs something done....A year later, that such and such STILL isn't done and it's been sitting on my mind all along wrenching my guts.
Why don't most of them pay the full amount of child support?
Why are more men in jail than woman by a 10 to one margin?
Why are more men pedophiles by a very large margin?
They generally are more selfish because they don't see what kind of benefit it would be to them to be otherwise.
You weren't talking about me there were you because I'm a NICE perfectionist!
You're sorta kinda right about some things. I pick on little things like one piece of grass sticking up higher than the rest, if the picture is not hung in EXACTLY the right place, etc. Stuff like that. I'm not much for sloppiness. I complain mostly of having to do just about everything around the house and then there are the other things that I can't do and the other person is not rushed enough about it because the TV comes first, the friend's problem comes first, the napping comes first and everything is "later".
OR... I'm going to do such and such on Saturday. Lo and behold, somebody shows up or somebody else needs something done....A year later, that such and such STILL isn't done and it's been sitting on my mind all along wrenching my guts.
vp,,i do have a suggestion for you,,,sounds overly simple, but its effective,,
have a "to do" list weekly and "projects" monthly, or for a few months, in the "to do" list,,,you write down,,under his name,,what you want/expect him to do. men do very well with lists,,,and suggest this when you are in a good mood.
another suggestion is you both plan the two nights during the week, and the fifth night you alternate,,doing whatever you want (if he wants to go golfing or you, shopping or to a spa)
now the two nights "he's in charge, he makes the dinner, he gets to pick whats on the menu, and he cleans up,,and he plans anything you two do together after that,,whether its a walk, play scrabble or a roll in the hay,,,BUT you cannot, cannot,,criticize!!
men despise being henpecked....(when they are trying) why?? in most relationships the woman can henpeck a man and "its ok" but if a man criticizes a woman,,,,all hell breaks loose,,its not an even playing field)
most woman have a caring nurturing way about them (which i admire very much) however,,,that does translate in times,,when you mother your hubby,,and when that happens,,,,,the man (unless he's an absolute spineless wuss) gets a bit defensive, because you are starting to echo his own mother (most of the time you dont even realize this) and him,,being an adult,,doesnt think he has to take it,,and will strike back in different ways,,
you woman know the hot buttons of your hubby like no one else...
another thing,,most men , especially after work,,,does NOT enjoy hearing b.s. or gossip about other woman at your work,,or family or friends,,,,we get the blank stares,,because we feel we have to listen to someone go on and on,,,and it leads to nothing productive..
men do like to be productive, and feel the accomplishment and i gotta believe most want to please thier wife,,,however years of either being criticized, beaten down,,,,the man gives up...im relating this,,to what vp said about cleaning,,,yes who doesnt want a nice or neat home,,,but if you are a compulsive cleaner or germ freak,,thats your problem,,but you also made it his,,,,and again, you think that because its important to YOU,,that he'd respect your wishes more,,when in reality its a push/pull relationship of keeping score,,meaning,,yes i will appease in this area,,but i will GET MY WAY ,,over in another area,,this is a two way street,,
relationships are tough,,its day to day effort,,we often get too comfortable or the worse,,think you are "bored" well, if you are bored,,then you are boring,,,,everything is a two way street,,
also you woman have to understand this,,,,most woman are awesome at arguements/debates/fights,,,,you can articulate,,(have total recall of everything your man has said in the past 6 mnths)yourself, how you FEEL 1000 times better than most men, ,,and at the same time,,,you get 10 times more emotional, with one tenth of the ammo thrown at you.
a wise man knows he can never win a fight/arguement with a woman,,so we shut down or explode,,neither does any good,,
arguements/fighting/hostility never solves anything ,,even if you think you "win" the arguement,,,it just cements more ..distance,,or tension,,between you two.
a healthy relationship,,is give and get,,,and CLEAR, very clear norms or expectations,.
one last thing,, please be aware of your tone of voice,,,we shut down easily,,when we know from the tone,,you are in a pissy mood,,,or whatever you are about to say,,is not going to be good!
men are simple creatures,,but we live with very complex woman,,,,and many times,,when even the woman herself doesnt know what she's emotional about,,there's no way in hell,,the man is going to know.
please dont take my tone as berating,,,the emotional side of woman im not,,just giving a mans perspective being bluntfully honest,
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