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EdieGirl, I used to be a doormat as well. Not in the relationship department to a great degree, but in just about every other aspect of my life (job, friends) I was grade-A select, prime choice chump.
People never respect anyone that allow themselves to be walked on, and if you are even giving the appearance of someone that allows that to happen just so people will want to be around you, this is probably why guys are losing interest. It's basically the same as trying to buy friends with favors or even money because just being you isn't enough, in your opinion.
In every other way you sound like someone that is a really great catch, and are quite balanced. But, if you appear too eager to please or listen too intently early on in a relationship many guys take this as though you are grasping at anything to please them and feel as though there must be something wrong.
In some ways, it may be a compliment. Men may be thinking "There has to be something wrong here or why else would this pretty, intelligent girl be trying so hard to please me?" They feel uncomfortable and eventually lose interest.
That's just my opinion based on what I've read, but I believe that it probably has some merit.
You may need to re-adjust your attitude somewhat. Remember what I said earlier about me being a doormat in my younger years? Mostly that had to do with jobs and friends, but it all stemmed from a failed relationship that made me feel worthless. Things compounded and grew worse until I realized that I needed a complete change of attitude.
That's not always easy to accomplish though. Often when people try and make subtle changes to their persona, their friends and family will make an effort (both consciously and subconsciously) to steer the person attempting those changes back to the person they are comfortable with. It's not that they are bad people, it's just human nature.
Inside, they're saying "Hey, you're not the EdieGirl that I've come to know and be comfortable with! Now change back, right now!"
I won't go into great detail here, but I made a decision that during a certain period of time (it was over the Holidays many years ago) I was going to start making the changes necessary to become a person who thought about me first and no longer take myself for granted. It was a complete attitude adjustment and came about more as a result of anger and frustration than anything else.
I channeled that anger and frustration into something positive and used it to my advantage instead of letting it eat me up. No longer would I allow people to look down on me or take me lightly. I realized that I was an intelligent, capable, decent person that would be treated with respect, come hell or high water.
Of course, it didn't happen overnight, but within six months my entire life changed; and over the course of a year I changed jobs, and eventually even changed my career. Since that time I've lived a much fuller life than I would have been able to otherwise. It was the re-invention of myself.
There is a whole lot of information that I left out, of course. But, in some ways, I was like you and realized that I needed to make a change if I was really going to be happy with myself.
You can do it as well; your change and outlook on yourself would not require such a drastic effort as mine because I can tell that you've got your act together pretty well. I, on the other hand, had some pretty serious demons to exercise, many of my own making.
You needn't go the opposite course and be a complete bi_ch to achieve this, but a little bit of that isn't such a bad idea. Be courteous and polite at all times, but know deep inside you have something to offer - something worthwhile and if people can't see that then they are the ones that are going to lose out - not you. You've got better things to do, like being happy and enjoying life.
Cheers
Wow Synopsis, it's like if you completely just read into my life by the little things I've told you in one day. YES, that is what I feel is going on but there's a problem. I don't know if I'm wrong but I feel my biggest "demon" is my mother. If I ever made a change to not let people walk over me it would be with her. I love her to bits which is why I'd do anything and everything for her, even if it means putting my life aside. And she's happy with this. I don't know how on earth I'd find the heart to break her heart. It's almost as if the umbilical cord is still there only it's a leash, and my mom controls the length and pulls at it constantly. Okay so it sounds harsh but TRUST me, I do NOT exaggerate. This is seriously where it all stems out from. Once I break free of that, then I think I will be able to take on a different approach with people and myself.
I know it sounds terrible for me to blame my mother, trust me I can hear myself saying "wtf is wrong with you" lol as I type this but, it's totally not cliche as in "oh it's the parents fault", I really have no say when it comes to her and that's my biggest problem. Pretty pansy-ish eh?
Thanks for your great words though. I can't believe there's actually someone out there who understands me lol. I keep going "yes that's exactly it!" everytime I read your responses. Thanks so much Syn!
Lookin' for a way...
Edie
p.s. I've got a TERRIBLE cold so you guys are gonna be putting up with me all day :P I'm staying home from work!
I'm glad that I could help! Sorry you've got a cold, but rest does wonders..
It's not wimpy to identify the problem, but you have to tackle that issue the best way you possibly can, hopefully without hurting your mother's feelings. Mothers tend to yank that cord as long as you let them.
I think you can bend to her will somewhat and still change other aspects of your life with friends and relationships. Of course, in the long run she will have to be awakened to that change. But given time, she'll probably come around, especially if she realizes how important this is to you and for your future happiness.
Sometimes it helps to communicate things like this in writing. For some, words can have more of an impact, especially if they are written in a letter (your own handwriting) and not an email or text message. Choose what you have to say very carefully when the time comes and don't blurt everything out at once. After all, she does love you; she just doesn't fully realize that she may be having a negative impact on your life.
Is there a father in the picture? Maybe he'll understand a bit more and can help work with things as well. Nothing overt, just supportive of you and a word here and there to your mom that puts you in a positive light. Something like, "I'm proud of how Edie is maturing into an adult" or something like that.
The biggest part of any problem is identifying the issue, and it appears that you have done just that. Now you just have to map out a plan and make the solution become a reality!
I'm glad that I could help! Sorry you've got a cold, but rest does wonders..
It's not wimpy to identify the problem, but you have to tackle that issue the best way you possibly can, hopefully without hurting your mother's feelings. Mothers tend to yank that cord as long as you let them.
I think you can bend to her will somewhat and still change other aspects of your life with friends and relationships. Of course, in the long run she will have to be awakened to that change. But given time, she'll probably come around, especially if she realizes how important this is to you and for your future happiness.
Sometimes it helps to communicate things like this in writing. For some, words can have more of an impact, especially if they are written in a letter (your own handwriting) and not an email or text message. Choose what you have to say very carefully when the time comes and don't blurt everything out at once. After all, she does love you; she just doesn't fully realize that she may be having a negative impact on your life.
Is there a father in the picture? Maybe he'll understand a bit more and can help work with things as well. Nothing overt, just supportive of you and a word here and there to your mom that puts you in a positive light. Something like, "I'm proud of how Edie is maturing into an adult" or something like that.
The biggest part of any problem is identifying the issue, and it appears that you have done just that. Now you just have to map out a plan and make the solution become a reality!
If coming over to fix a flat tire when the car breaks down qualifies as being around then yes I have a father :P jk, he's around he's just not a big part of our lives. He's more like a relative that drops in every once in a while so that's out of the picture.
As for putting stuff in writing, that's not a bad idea. I suppose I can try it, don't really have much to lose now do I?
Writing is one of the best ways to communicate because you have time to think things through and choose your words carefully without getting too emotional. It also remains as a reminder to the intended audience of your message. Even if it isn't received well at first glance, some other time the person doing the reading may be more rational.
Writing something down also helps to provide a recourse in case that person wants to take something out of context. For example, if your mother doesn't take something that you've written very well and complains about it to others, people may say "let me read the letter and be the judge." If she refuses it's probably because she may feel that you are right and wants to paraphrase your thoughts to them instead. In that case she is being selfish and doesn't want to change.
On the other hand, if she is open-minded she might show someone else the letter and they may give her the blunt truth - that she is wrong and needs to mend her ways.
You have nothing to lose but everything to gain. How you deal with relationships will have a deep impact on your happiness as you grow older. It's easier to steer the ship in the right direction while you're early on in your course; much tougher to take care of such things when you're at that stage in life where it feels as though you are canoing down a waterfall..
Location: Lots of sun and palm trees with occasional hurricane :)
8,293 posts, read 16,157,144 times
Reputation: 7018
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ronzou
ROFL! Nice one Rance haha! Pimpin me out eh? Do I at least get a cut of the profits! LOL!
Okay, it doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong. Maybe those guys just don't want a relationship at that point in time. For all those 22 year olds married with three kids and happy. Well let's just say that's a rarity. Honestly. I went to school with a 22 year old who had a son and was happily divorced. In another one of my classes, there was a 26 year old, who had a few children going to school and divorced. Trust me, people notice only the good when thinking about being single and things like that about relationships. There are many good points of being single. I myself haven't found one yet... Well... I get to buy chocolates for myself on valentines day... That's really about it. lol.
As for people saying you're young. It's true, don't get offended. I'm 21. And they are right. Who knows what is going to happen down the line. I could meet someone get divorced. Meet someone break up. Meet someone get divorced again, and by that time have 6 or 7 kids. And still be miserable, because now I'm paying child support to 3 people. Just don't be so expecting of each guy you meet, if one doesn't work, they don't work. And if they do they do. It may take awhile, but you may finally find the one when you're in you're 30's. I know how that sounds, but that's how it may happen.
Ronz....I suggest you get a vasectomy after the first one!
Location: Lots of sun and palm trees with occasional hurricane :)
8,293 posts, read 16,157,144 times
Reputation: 7018
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdieGirl
Wow Synopsis, it's like if you completely just read into my life by the little things I've told you in one day. YES, that is what I feel is going on but there's a problem. I don't know if I'm wrong but I feel my biggest "demon" is my mother. If I ever made a change to not let people walk over me it would be with her. I love her to bits which is why I'd do anything and everything for her, even if it means putting my life aside. And she's happy with this. I don't know how on earth I'd find the heart to break her heart. It's almost as if the umbilical cord is still there only it's a leash, and my mom controls the length and pulls at it constantly. Okay so it sounds harsh but TRUST me, I do NOT exaggerate. This is seriously where it all stems out from. Once I break free of that, then I think I will be able to take on a different approach with people and myself.
I know it sounds terrible for me to blame my mother, trust me I can hear myself saying "wtf is wrong with you" lol as I type this but, it's totally not cliche as in "oh it's the parents fault", I really have no say when it comes to her and that's my biggest problem. Pretty pansy-ish eh?
Thanks for your great words though. I can't believe there's actually someone out there who understands me lol. I keep going "yes that's exactly it!" everytime I read your responses. Thanks so much Syn!
Lookin' for a way...
Edie
p.s. I've got a TERRIBLE cold so you guys are gonna be putting up with me all day :P I'm staying home from work!
Edie.....you need to be you and your mother needs to understand that you are not she. That doesn't mean you love her any less but you are your own woman, with your own likes and dislikes, and adult enough to make your own decisions and be responsible for them. You have to be firm and let her know how you feel and what you plan to do about it. There is no need for surprises, that way there is no lost love.
Is there another board where you guys talk just socially? I feel like I'm under a microscope :P Don't get me wrong I love everyone's advice but you guys seem like cool people, do you chat anywhere or chit chat in another board?
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