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Old 02-10-2010, 01:03 PM
 
31 posts, read 32,952 times
Reputation: 23

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Quote:
Originally Posted by sunshineleith View Post
Gypsy has a good point, and you should get that checked out with a doctor.

Some other thoughts: You know ten years ago, in that part of the marriage ceremony where you said "For better or for worse"? Well this is what the "worse" bit was referring to. Love is a funny thing. Some would say that love is an action, in addition to a feeling. We choose to love, because we choose to act in a loving way. I believe this is possible. I am likely in the minority.

Your situation isn't insurmountable, but honestly, it doesn't sound like you really bought into the whole idea of marriage to begin with - which really kinda sucks for your husband. Your statement that you LOATHE sharing is, quite frankly, a little bit scary. Were you an only child perhaps? (Not being facetious - I am genuinely curious, as I have never heard anyone that "loathed sharing" before, much less in a marriage!)

"The other thing I loathe about marriage is this thing where 'what's mine is his', everything I buy like my car, computer, camera etc, he seems to think is his too and even refers to my car as 'the car' to everyone else, he has his own car."

Ouchie.

Well then, on to the constructive bit: as sad as divorce is, it happens, and it sounds like your husband will be better off in the end*, after the scars have healed, as he is a good guy, nice looking, and sounds like a good catch. Also on the positive side, there are fortunately no children to be tossed about in a custody battle - small mercies and all that

So really, as unconventional as it sounds, Teatime's suggestion is the one that just might actually work for you both.

* Please note I do NOT mean that in a derogatory fashion, what I mean is that if you do not have the will or desire to have a fulfilling marriage with him, then hopefully he will eventually find someone who will be madly head-over-heels in love with him - and that would be better in the end than a mate relationship with someone who has one hand scratching at the door handle! I wish you both the best.
I dont mean I dont like sharing, I just dont like the assumption that the majority of people have that the female doesnt pay for anything or is incapable of owning a car for example, its a bit annoying when you pay thousands for a car then your partners family and friends think he's bought it for you!

Like my replies to other messages, I wont throw it all in yet, I will rule out my own body emotions, although its not nice for me to admit, I could be going through the start of the change.

By the way, I have spoken to him about my feelings so he is aware that I am going through an uncertain stage.

Teatimes suggestion is a very good one, you are right, I would certainly give it a lot of thought, and thank you for your reply.

xx

 
Old 02-10-2010, 01:05 PM
 
31 posts, read 32,952 times
Reputation: 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by veuvegirl View Post
I think people do this because they need an objective opinion. It is so much easier for me to look at my friends and their marriages and say "wow, if they only did this everything would work out" or "these two should really not be together anymore because of x".

When you are in a relationship it is entirely different to be objective of what to do. Sometimes to have someone looking from the outside helps you make a decision. It is odd to post on a message board, but it can be tough or embarassing to talk to friends about what is happening in your personal life. The last thing you want is to decide to stay in a marriage and your friends say "But remember when?"
Thank you xx
 
Old 02-10-2010, 01:23 PM
 
Location: California
37,082 posts, read 42,050,241 times
Reputation: 34899
It sounds as if your husband has embraced the marriage and coupledom that comes with that (what's mine is yours, etc) and you have not. Perhaps you just aren't "marriage material".
 
Old 02-10-2010, 01:38 PM
 
31 posts, read 32,952 times
Reputation: 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceece View Post
It sounds as if your husband has embraced the marriage and coupledom that comes with that (what's mine is yours, etc) and you have not. Perhaps you just aren't "marriage material".
Hi, yes it does sound like I am not marriage material, I know what you mean, I was, but I think like a lot of marriages, though probably not shared on here, we have grown apart. I also think that I may have changed as I am 42, I could be unfortunately, receiving early symptoms of the change, which is why I am not just throwing the marriage away. I have of course spoken to him and he is fully aware of my feelings and is being supportive.

I just wanted to see how many others were in a similar boat.

Thanks again for your comment x
 
Old 02-10-2010, 02:11 PM
 
31 posts, read 32,952 times
Reputation: 23
Hi to all, I just want to say thank you to you all for taking the time to respond and sorry if my first post was a bit muddled, I think I am a bit muddled myself right now. I will think long and hard before doing anything rash, but what I will do I hope will be right, I wouldnt stay with hubby purely for financial reasons, and I will consider counselling before any decision is made.

I do appreciate all your advice, it is helpful and hopefully I can do the same in return, I just need a little more time to work my way through the forum, it is very large.

Night night all and take care for now xxx
 
Old 02-10-2010, 03:42 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,435,573 times
Reputation: 40197
Quote:
Originally Posted by delphinia1 View Post
Hi, I have just recently registered on this forum and am interested to hear any sympathetic and constructive comments only please.

I am 42 and been married for 10 years in August. My hubby is nearly 4 years younger than me, he's a lovely person and quite good looking, has always worked and we get on very well, in fact we are more like best mates, as we were mates before we started dating.

For the past 3 years I no longer feel attracted to him, and am happier when I am at work. I have even started fancying other guys at work that are on a head of service level, I kind of look up to them, where as my hubby is more on the level that I am, only in his line of work. Note - Liking other people at work, I understand is probably a natural thing for someone in my position, and I certainly will not do anything stupid. He changed his job a while ago and is now working away a lot, he enjoys the job and I am really happy for him. I am a lot happier being on my own I have noticed and when he is back, I am pleased to see him but soon get very aggitated and find it irritating him being home. I have wanted to live on my own for the past 3 years and even wished I had never gotten married.

Neither of us have had affairs, he hasn't done anything wrong as such, and neither have I to my knowledge. I just want to live on my own and have my own independence, I know I get that when he is away but I sometimes wish he wouldn't come back, isn't that awful, I hate to think like that. I did speak to him early 2009 about this, and the reason I decided to stay as we are is because he just didnt want to let go and I did not want to see him upset, I ended up just saying it may have been a phase etc. I care about him a lot, I just do not fancy him anymore and have not done for years. We do not have kids, I never wanted kids and he was never keen also so there has never been a problem there. Neither of us dislike kids, they are just not for me.

The other thing I loathe about marriage is this thing where 'what's mine is his', everything I buy like my car, computer, camera etc, he seems to think is his too and even refers to my car as 'the car' to everyone else, he has his own car. I am the one paying for my car and he is on the insurance as I am happy for him to drive it, like I would his if he wanted me to. I feel that I dont even have my own mind being married where as when I am on my own and he is working away I have my own routine and can go on the pc when I like (which I am doing now lol, he is out), go to bed when I like. I am not interested in seeing anyone else, I just want to be free.

So in a nutshell I hate being married and want to live on my own, the only thing stopping me is upsetting him and me not being able to afford a £100,000 mortgage at 42 as that is what would happen if I was to buy him out. I am only on £16,500 a year so wouldnt even get a mortgage for that!

So what an earth do I do, I dont want to stay with someone if I am unhappy, when he is working away I am happy, I think that speaks volumes on its own!

Sorry this is long xx
You don't sound like someone who should have ever been married. Were you an only child by any chance?

Consider getting some therapy to help you understand your motivations and feelings and to better understand why you are the way you are. Once you get some clarity on that and if you still don't want to be married, then break things off and free him up to be with someone who can truly love him and have him as their first priority. He certainly deserves more than you are currently able to give him.
 
Old 02-10-2010, 03:54 PM
 
Location: Tempe, AZ
740 posts, read 1,230,771 times
Reputation: 454
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobman View Post
Do you love him ?
You know bobman, that tinfoil isn't working. You are still reading my mind

OP, if you love him and want it to work, then consider this a rough patch where your SO is driving you bats**t for no good reason. Try and work out why it is happening, talk to him about it, and move from there. If you don't love him, then these are all signs that it is time to end it.

Funny thing is you are in the spot of many men in the world, being the primary breadwinner and what not. I'm a guessing (not being a man or supporting anyone else) your feelings are not unique, the biggest difference is that you are a woman and not accustomed to the role of "breadwinner". On a side note, prepare to pay alimony if you split. My 2 friends who divorced in you situation had to pay, one in US and one in UK. According to them it isn't as bad as rumored. my UK friend does about L 700/month
 
Old 02-10-2010, 09:55 PM
 
Location: jakarta
1 posts, read 899 times
Reputation: 10
sorry if i'm to young and too new in this forum to give you advice...
actualy i'm not in the postition to give you advice...
i just want to share my thought...

i think you should try to remember why u choose to marry him...
marriage is not dating...it's full of responsibility and sharing everything...

i think its not the time anymore to say that whats mine is mine..you have to share everything even you thought...

thats from me..
 
Old 02-10-2010, 10:46 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,724 posts, read 21,169,926 times
Reputation: 14823
I'm having a tough time with the "what's mine is mine" thing too. Actually, in my marriages (all three) it's been "what's mine is hers".

Seriously, the things we share are "ours" and the things we can't/don't share (clothing, jewelry, eye glasses, etc.) are mine or hers. Even though I owned our home 25 years before my wife and I met, as soon as she moved in it became "our home". I'd feel funny calling it "mine". I guess it's no big deal either way; it just struck me as odd that you'd be upset because your hubby calls your car "our car".

Maybe it's different in Europe than in the U.S., too. Here, once you're married, it doesn't matter WHO earns the income; it's a joint asset. When married to my first wife I bought into the small business where I worked and built it into a fairly large one. I made a sh--load of money from it, both while I was running it and when I sold it. But that wasn't "my" money -- even though every cent of the investment was paid by my own earnings and all the stock was in my name. It was "our" money. Right from the beginning until the end (divorce). So to claim a car was "mine" because I paid for it with my own earnings would be silly. Granted, I had cars she refused to claim. "Get YOUR damned jalopy out of my parking space."

Bedtime. *waves*
 
Old 02-11-2010, 12:33 PM
 
31 posts, read 32,952 times
Reputation: 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by typhoidmary View Post
You know bobman, that tinfoil isn't working. You are still reading my mind - this isnt a game, I now wish I hadnt bothered !!

OP, if you love him and want it to work, then consider this a rough patch where your SO is driving you bats**t for no good reason. Try and work out why it is happening, talk to him about it, and move from there. If you don't love him, then these are all signs that it is time to end it.

Funny thing is you are in the spot of many men in the world, being the primary breadwinner and what not. I'm a guessing (not being a man or supporting anyone else) your feelings are not unique, the biggest difference is that you are a woman and not accustomed to the role of "breadwinner". On a side note, prepare to pay alimony if you split. My 2 friends who divorced in you situation had to pay, one in US and one in UK. According to them it isn't as bad as rumored. my UK friend does about L 700/month
Ive never heard of Alimony! I think my hubby would be like me, want it all worked out fair and square, there would certainly be neither of us trying to get more or whatever, if it happens, I just merely wanted advice not judgement which I seem to be getting as if I am a really bad person and I am really not!!
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