If You've Been a Victim of Abuse(child abuse, spousal abuse, ect): How Did You Get Over It(or at least move on from it)? (woman, single)

[moonlitwishes]

I can relate. I finally decided that the actions of these people would not dictate how I lived my life, none of them would ever again get to make me feel like I am worthless, I had to decide I was better than that and deserved better. The relationship i have with my mother is very strained, she refuses to discuss anything or once when she did because I was insisted she told me I was remembering it wrong! So now any discussion I have with her is purely superficial "how was your day? Good? mine too. Talk to you later" This may not be the best course of action but it works for me. I am sorry these things happened to you and I hope you will find a way that works for you to get past it. Just remember to keep your head up that you are an adult, and those people can no longer affect you unless you allow it.

[mag32gie]

Originally Posted by kaykay

I, too, am sorry this has been in your past. I have not personally dealt with abuse but know of many that have. I just have 3 thoughts to add here:
First, I do know that not all therapists/counselors are created equal and even some very good ones just may not be able to scratch where you itch so to speak. I learned this after my son died tragically. Long story I won't go into, but one counselor really didn't help, the other was a life-saver.

Secondly, a lot of people get healing from their relationship with Jesus Christ and his unconditional love. You may not be the religious/spiritual type but I'm just throwing that out there because I think this has been the source of healing for many.

Lastly, you might get more response if you asked the mods to move this thread to the relationship forum.

((hugs))

Yes, Jesus Christ, thats how I was healed.
A personal relationship, where you actually believe He is there.
Just start talking to Him, you will see that He will draw close and let you know He is there.
He will lead you from there.

[si33]

Yep, i can relate to this one as well, from the emotional/mental level..and yeah, not the best way to spent parts of one's childhood..

While i can thank being involved in the church when in high school for helping, most of my breakthrough overcoming lingering issues came after i left and sought to find myself, by myself..which included alot of self retrospect..Seeing the entire issue from both sides of what the out come may have been..And for a short time, this did include starting down a self destructive road involving drug use..and just beating myself up over everything..or allowing myself to throw mud at myself..if you will..

Part of this meant facing some pretty unpleasent issues..and either tackling them head on, or allowing them to consume me..and part of why i chose to face them was because i was not content with seeing myself head down a similar path where i would repeat the same garbage as my father..

It wasn't easy to say the least, and at times, down right frightening seeing one's self completely broken..But, from that moment, the only way was up..Its really strange that at such a moment, i could see the glass already half full..so to say..

Looking back over that phase, there was alot of strength gained by challenging myself to overcome what stood between what i could have become, and where i stand now.. It also helped that i had alot of positive people behind me, helping me to propel myself in the right direction...this, and that nagging part of me that saw much more self worth helped me make it through, and emerge more alive then ever

[Jays1983]

An ex tried to kick me once. Fortunately my ninja reflexes kicked in and it was a big whiffa! I must have done something really bad that day.

[the minx]

Letting go of the past is very difficult. It's important not to deny what happened to you, but to accept that it is a part of who you are - part of what made you a good person today. Realize you had/have no control over what happened, you can't change the past. Confront it head on and leave it behind.

Don't let it control your future.

[SVTLightning]

I'm going to go against the grain on this one.

I will hold my abusive childhood up to anyone except those that were sexually abused, I think thats a whole other ballgame.

My dad would put marks on me, my mom had to rub stuff on my back many times because of the abuse. I too lied about the bruises and welps when people asked.

I absolutely hate it when people blame their screwed up lives on abusive childhoods. How many times has that become an excuse when they are in court for whatever reason? So you had a bad childhood, don't be a victim anymore!!! Just because you were abused it doesnt mean you are less of a person, nor should you have anything to be ashamed or depressed about.

For me, my driving force has been to be better than that, to show myself that I can be a better man than my father ever was. he didn't teach me anything on how to be a father, he taught me how not to be though.

Looking back I would not change a thing about my childhood even as bad as it as because it made me who I am today. I have a great career, have travelled to many countries and I think I am a pretty decent guy now.

[IluvBigTrucks]

Originally Posted by SVTLightning

I absolutely hate it when people blame their screwed up lives on abusive childhoods. How many times has that become an excuse when they are in court for whatever reason? So you had a bad childhood, don't be a victim anymore!!! Just because you were abused it doesnt mean you are less of a person, nor should you have anything to be ashamed or depressed about.

After 7 years of ongoing sexual abuse and 9 years of physical abuse let me tell you it is not that easy. Abuse that starts at an early age and to degrees that cause severe PTSD bordering DID it's not so simple. Things like "you are worthless and shameful and disgusting" are ingrained in the brain. People dont just wake up one day and say I wont be a victim today and have it work. I've tried. Depression is also not a choice. It's a chemical imbalance in the brain or an environmental illness. Some people aren't as great as you and they react the way they were taught to react. It's not an excuse for their behavior but a reason. So these things often come up in court cases to put things into perspective. I am the first one to disagree with "poor abused child kills, they should not be punished" My childhood was atrocious and I would never intentionally hurt a soul. Being abused doesn't make anyone less of a person no but it does feel like it. It's extremely lonely. For a long time in my life I felt alone, unworthy and without purpose. I had no family and felt everything I did was wrong. After being raised as a sex object and punching bag and nothing more that's what you believe yourself to be and nothing more. Children are molded. It takes twice as long to undo damage. For some maybe it's easier but not for everyone. Sometimes when you are making progress flashbacks get stronger. Making it more difficult to cope with reality. Thus depression sets in along with the shame and guilt and sadness and anger. So getting through the trauma almost doesn't seem worth the pain you have to push through.


That said, I think the best thing to do is seek someone specialized in CBT and work with them. There are lots of different methods but this one got me through a lot. It's not something that goes away. It's something you have to learn to cope with. Eventually it's such a small part of you after you reform who you ARE it doesn't matter. You have to establish who you are outside of that abuse. Then that part of you gets smaller. This enables you to live a life on the path you choose without the negativity. Best of luck


My $0.02

[virgode]

Lilred

Make peace with yourself, you can't erase the past, (it would be nice if we could rid our mind of the memory) but you can come to terms with it to prevent it from ruining the life you have left. The perpetrator doesn't deserve your entire lifetime, you are in control now, not them.

I have one question if you don't mind, since this is family what's the nature of your relationship with this person presently?

[Ticatica]

I LOVED reading the Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner and People of the Lie by M. Scott Peck. Both of those books go step by step through the process of facing the painful truth of how you were manipulated and abused, embracing your feelings of betrayal and shedding shame or a sense of responsibility for their actions, and learning how much power you have as an adult. Those are my favorites. I also recommend therapy. Lots of support and cathartic excercises you can do. In the beginning the pain and depression and anxiety seem like a curse but over time you'll recognize them as gifts. The more emotional intensity, honesty, and flexibility you recover, the richer your life will become. Also, some tv programs are great like Celebrity Rehab because they show you what individual and group therapy look like so you won't be afraid of the process. You'll see that you are not alone, healing abuse is a common struggle many have successfully conquered.

[jasper12]

You don't get over it. When you think you have overcome it, all of the sudden, something happens, that takes you back to the same situation. Your entire persona developed based on those experiences, and you can't change that, how you react to things, percieve things, all goes back to those original experiences. Just realize those things.