If You've Been a Victim of Abuse(child abuse, spousal abuse, ect): How Did You Get Over It(or at least move on from it)? (men, therapy)

[glastron_79]

Talking to someone makes a world of difference. Keeping everything bottled up inside will only make you bitter. However, the first big step is coming to terms with yourself; meaning realization/admitting it happened rather than denial.

[Tish Thompson]

You're NEVER going to forget it. You just have to make a decision: am I going to let this control my life and continue being a victime or am I going to accept that it happened and live the life I deserve? It will take a lot of hard work, and every single time you feel yourself falling back into old patterns, talk your way out of it. In the beginning, I literally left post it note reminders in random places that I wasn't going to be controlled by my past. Eventually I was able to get rid of the post its.

[yankeegirl313]

I still say it stems from inside of yourself! Find forgiveness, and move on.

[STT Resident]

Originally Posted by jasper12

You don't get over it. When you think you have overcome it, all of the sudden, something happens, that takes you back to the same situation. Your entire persona developed based on those experiences, and you can't change that, how you react to things, percieve things, all goes back to those original experiences. Just realize those things.

I'm not sure why you resurrected this old thread and I think you cast a rather negative stance in your post but I would add that one's experience of abuse often eventually makes one stronger and in a position to be a mentor to others struggling with similar issues.

Originally Posted by glastron_79

Talking to someone makes a world of difference. Keeping everything bottled up inside will only make you bitter. However, the first big step is coming to terms with yourself; meaning realization/admitting it happened rather than denial.

I don't think the OP was in denial at all and she freely admitted having gone through therapy with someone who truly helped her but who unfortunately suddenly passed away. She went on to say that she hadn't seen anyone else for two years. Finding the right therapist isn't an easy task and then having that therapist unfortunately gone, as in her case, can be a real blow. But then the search goes on for that right person. Hopefully she got everything on the way to being sorted out and is doing well.

Originally Posted by yankeegirl313

I still say it stems from inside of yourself! Find forgiveness, and move on.

I disagree with the "forgiveness" because sometimes you can't forgive someone when they believe they did no wrong but that you should accept them and their abuse because in their mind, "it's just the way I am".

My mother was a highly intelligent woman who raised three children, two boys and a girl, during and post-WWII England. I was the last, born in December 1945 with my two older brothers 6 and 8 years respectively older than I. Everything about my upbringing was peculiar except I never realized it until I left home at 16 to go work in London. Suffice it to say and because the story is way too long for any forum, we all had a very messed up childhood based on psychological abuse.

All of us ended up being quite successful in our own arenas. The younger of my two older brothers left home at 15 and hated our mother until the day he died - and I believe his hatred of her and the problems he had with his own children (talk about legacy continuing) prompted his early demise in his 50s when both sides of the family live into their late nineties and early 100s!

The elder of my two older brothers who maintained contact with her through thick and thin and was the "good" older son, finally had a bellyful last year. He was basically at her beck and call, ordering her groceries online and driving many miles to do fixes and put up shelves, etc. When she finally verbally criticized most nastily his grandchildren he finally had enough of her abuse and wrote her a most eloquent letter of rebuttal and relinquishment of his care of her and which he emailed to me.

Honestly I was tickled pink that he had finally had enough. I in turn sent off a long letter to her via USPS documenting so much abuse over so many years and finally told her exactly how I felt about her. It was a cathartic exercise but also an attempt to reach out to her and endeavor to heal many long wounds. As other attempts had failed, so did this one.

She never responded to either my brother or I but I think neither of us expected her to do so. I have no idea where she went wrong.

Our Dad left home when I was four years old but I was finally able to touch base with him much later in life and he eventually told me much about his relationship with my*mother and it was quite a tale. He was a good man who passed away a couple of years ago and I am so glad that we were finally able to forge a really good relationship even though we were so many thousands of miles apart. I was able to visit him twice in England. My brothers had a good relationship with him but it was never easy, not because of Dad but because Mummy Dearest was so damned good at manipulating and creating wedges. But eldest brother was there for him at the end, other brother was already gone and losing his second son was devastating for Dad.

Mummy Dearest is now approaching 96 in November, has no backup but apparently relies on the community she lives in now to support her, having signed over her house and belongings to a group. Good for her!

My surviving brother is now 73 and I'll be 65 in December. So us oldsters still have our crosses to bear where relationships are concerned. But we learn, think and ensure that our children and grandchildren aren't perpetuating mistakes.

My family isn't here but I try and impart basics to the youngsters who cross my path. Cheers!

[yankeegirl313]

[quote=STT Resident;16123458]



I disagree with the "forgiveness" because sometimes you can't forgive someone when they believe they did no wrong but that you should accept them and their abuse because in their mind, "it's just the way I am".
quote]

I respect your story..however I still believe that the "forgiveness" comes from each individuals own story. It is possible!!

[samston]

Forgiveness chiefly should be letting go internally, even if the aggressor is not sorry.

I've never suffered any great abuse, but I think that talking it over with the aggressor, if possible, should be the primary step. If s/he is repentent, and is sincere in wanting to restore a good relationship, them accept his/her word.

If not, then move on, and accept that life should be lived for now. Every moment should be positive.

[Neverwhere_71]

I know I won't ever truly forget my abusive childhood. I think I would set myself an impossible task trying to do so.

I was abused by the woman who gave birth to me. I can't call her my mother, as she wasn't/isn't one. She abused me emotionally and mentally and to this day will not apologise or acknowledge how she effected me as I grew up.

I felt so lonely and depressed as a child, because of her, and she knew what she was doing to me.

I now have nothing to do with her anymore and haven't for years. It wasn't easy walking away, as I have also walked away from other dysfunctional family members, but now I feel the benefit of having done so. I am now a mother myself to a gorgeous daughter, who means the absolute world to me and would not want her thinking you accept abuse or hurt from people simply because you are related to them.

If and when she is ready to speak with me about what happened, and that means no lies or excuses, no passing the buck, I will listen. If she even thought about trying it on with me, then I would end the conversation and walk away.

Some people can forgive, in my case there isn't room for that as she has known that from my being a young child, to teenager to adult and mother, she has lied to, used, hurt and played games with me and my life. It depends on each situation and the circumstances really.

I am so lucky to have a partner who I can talk to, share my feelings with in regards to my childhood, and having a gorgeous little girl of my own, reminds me of who and what I should have in my life, what I deserve.

People who protect, not harm, who tell the truth and not deceive, who heal and feed you emotionally and not drain your energy for their own selfish ends. And those are the people I have in my life now, which is SO much better for having moved on and away from her.

Kind regards.

[chuck_steak]

Originally Posted by lilred0005

If you are an abuse survivor, whether the abuse was verbal/mental/emotional, physical, or sexual, how did you overcome your past and move on to live a "normal" life? I am having an extremely difficult time letting go of my childhood abuse. In my twenties(in my early 30s now), I sought relief by staying busy all the time, but I also engaged in a lot of negative, self-destructive behavior like drinking, ect. Now, I stopped drinking yrs ago, and a life threatening injury has kept me from working and playing(iow, staying busy 24/7) and although I'm recovering just fine from my car accident, lately I just can't seem to stop dwelling on the abuse and it's seriously hindering my ability to live a normal life as I am often depressed, and filled with rage. Thearapy hasn't helped all that much although I haven't gone back in a couple of yrs. So,if you are a victim of any type of abuse, please tell me how you managed to put the past behind you and go on to lead a productive life. Thank you in advance for any/all advice or replies.

It's called PTSD and a person never gets over it.

[Osito]

Originally Posted by SVTLightning

I'm going to go against the grain on this one.

I will hold my abusive childhood up to anyone except those that were sexually abused, I think thats a whole other ballgame.

My dad would put marks on me, my mom had to rub stuff on my back many times because of the abuse. I too lied about the bruises and welps when people asked.

I absolutely hate it when people blame their screwed up lives on abusive childhoods. How many times has that become an excuse when they are in court for whatever reason? So you had a bad childhood, don't be a victim anymore!!!

Amen on that. I have a friend like that. Actually my mom is quite a bit like that as well. She's always, always blaming everything on someone else and still whines about her neglectful childhood at age 50. It's one of those things where you feel bad but at the same time want to tell them, "hello???" At some point people need to take control of their own lives, but I think the big problem with different kinds of abuse is that it keeps the victim(s) bound to their abusers in an unhealthy way and over a period of time, breaks down one's self-confidence and drive to take care of themselves and get something better. I commend people who are able to rise above that.

[punky86]

I was abused (physically) by both of my parents as a child and through my teen years. It was difficult and Ill never forget about it, but it made me the person who I am today. Strong. Independent. I wasn't really able to forgive and separate myself from it until I moved out on my own. I don't complain but rather reflect on what Ive endured and I really feel like at this point I could go through anything and come out stronger on the other side.

Consequently, I would much rather of had my childhood then having been smothered or over-protected and not have had a chance to experience things on my own and endure difficulties.