If You've Been a Victim of Abuse(child abuse, spousal abuse, ect): How Did You Get Over It(or at least move on from it)? (girlfriend, friend)

[Doll Eyes]

well it's good you gave up the drinking years ago. but honestly the population of people that look down on that segment is large. sorry to tell you but most men want nothing to do with these women. best to keep things to yourself on some level, telling them isn't going to help but only make things worse. therapy is a bunch of garbage as well.

[OngletNYC]

I was physically abused as a child, and I suspect it is why I can't maintain a relationship. It was weird, I have three sisters but I was the only one who was abused. My mother used to punch me in the face, clap my ears so I couldn't hear, broke my foot, ripped my hair out of my head... one day when I was about 16, she made me strip down to my underwear and beat me with a belt. That is the day I learned how to check out. I sat there on my bed staring straight ahead as she beat me, prompting her grab another belt, and another, and another to "remind me how to cry." I faked it when she threatened to turn the belts around and beat me with the buckles. I checked out that day, 25 or so years ago, and I have never come back. To be fair she was mentally ill and was hospitalized mulitiple times. She discussed a suicide pact with me when I was about 7, but was committed to a psychiatric hospital before she could do it. Intimacy is impossible for me. It's funny, I didn't realize I was abused until I left home at 17 and moved to NYC. I offhandedly said to my boyfriend, "Oh yeah, I've blacked out before too, that time my mom punched me in the face...." and he was like "Holy *****, are you serious, that is child abuse!" and I thought, wha? Not sure why I am discussing this now, just had another bad night featuring bad behaviour making me feel like crap.

[pgrdr]

I accepted: who the abuser was; that it was the abuser’s fault and problem, not mine; and that the abuser was incapable of anything different. Then I went on with my life without them in it—emotionally letting go. Life was much better from then on.

Taking power away from abusers by knowing what your boundaries are and being willing to turn and walk away when they cross those boundaries (no fighting, no incriminations, just walking away without looking back) frees a person. When those who want to control you know you will walk away and abandon your relationship with them, you are the one in control.

[Sonic_Spork]

Another old thread, but what the heck, I'll have a go in case it helps someone...

Therapists haven't been helpful for me. I know some say you have to really shop around to find the "right" one, but every time I've tried, it's been useless, and I don't have time to invest in a few sessions with one after another like that. I simply...don't. Obviously therapy helps enough people that it is recommended by many, so I won't say that therapy IS useless, it's just been that way for me, by and large. It's a very rare therapist who is any help of any kind.

What HAS been helpful- I keep a journal. Not a paper one, but a doc on a computer so that I can type out my thoughts every day. I need to process and that's really helped me. Some of what I do in forum posting occasionally brings a new idea up that I need to work on, too. So that's all good stuff for me.

And...I joined my local BDSM community. The nature of it is beside the point, I found a large group of supportive and respectful friends, there are tons of discussion groups which are a lot like a sort of group therapy. We talk about the nature of consent, better ways to do relationships, communication tools and techniques, and many times if a person is having some struggles and needs some support, we are there for them. It might not be therapy, but it is HIGHLY therapeutic. The main thing there, is that it's a community of people who don't judge and who care. And there are lots of opportunities for volunteerism and doing good for others, which boosts a person's sense of inner health and self-worth.

You can probably find many of the same elements in certain churches and other groups, the focal point may be utterly different but humans are drawn to community, and many of the same elements do tend to be there when humans do that very human thing.

So. If traditional therapy with a therapist is not helpful, I suggest a.) Journaling, and b.) Seeking a supportive social network.

EDIT: I've remembered another thing I have found helpful. While I am NOT religious, I have come to really appreciate a lot of Buddhist based philosophy and ideas. So reading stuff about that and using mindfulness and meditation techniques and things, has helped, too.

[Urban Sasquatch]

Indeed, in case it helps someone, despite being an old thread resurrected.

Getting over that kind of thing isn't solid. What I mean is that long-term abuse, especially during childhood, ends up being so ingrained a part of someone's personality, psyche, world window, mirror of self-perception, that the idea of "getting over it" is short-sighted.


Here's how you get over it: a piece at a time.

1. Come to terms with the abuser, who they really are and not who you wish they were.

You have to start accepting that despite what they should have been, they really were something else. This can be painful, because it makes us aware of gaps in a construct we long for.

In my case it took years to finally accept that although I had a biological contributor, I never actually had a mother, just an occasional housemate, and abuser. Several more years to accept that my father hated me and proactively set out to sabotage my life where and when he could.

Stop hoping they'll change. There will be no magical moment, no teary-eyed reconciliation that holds actual water. Don't waste your time digging a pond and hoping for fish.


2. Come to terms with yourself.

- Who are you? More importantly, who do you want to be?

When you know who you are, you will know what to do. Whether you do it or not is another question entirely.

Learning to separate the things my own parents did (and accepting them) allowed me to start more accurately pinpointing the things I was doing to self-sabotage my own life. I couldn't change the past, but I could draw a line between the things which couldn't be changed and the things which could.


3. Construct boundaries, and defend them.

Allowing abusers to remain in your life means you can never get past it because long-term abuse builds a power base, and acts from that vantage point. If a parent teaches you to flinch as a child, you will still flinch as an adult if that connection is never broken.

Unfortunately, we live in a society where people talk out both sides of their mouths. The same people who will tell you how you must love yourself before you can love another will, in a different conversation, tell you you're required to turn your cheek until there's simply nothing left of you because "love never gives up." Such people can never grasp that life lived by bumper-sticker philosophy goes in ridiculous circles.

Kick the abusers out of your life, whether parents or lovers. If you're unwilling to kick them out of your life entirely, at least push them back to a safe distance.

Cease to tolerate their abusive behavior. If you can't find it within yourself to directly confront them, at least find the wherewithal to excuse yourself from their company when they turn abusive. You have to break your own habit, and you have to break theirs as well.


4. Figure out and accept that you have a right to live.

You may have been taught that your life, your time, your goals, your belongings, your [insert just everything here] are worth less than theirs.

It's not true. But if that's what you've been taught, it will take a while to get that through your head. Self-validation is not easy for the abused, but it can be accomplished.


I don't know if anyone will ever read this, but if someone does who needs it, best of luck.

[OttoR]

Originally Posted by lilred0005

If you are an abuse survivor, whether the abuse was verbal/mental/emotional, physical, or sexual, how did you overcome your past and move on to live a "normal" life? I am having an extremely difficult time letting go of my childhood abuse. In my twenties(in my early 30s now), I sought relief by staying busy all the time, but I also engaged in a lot of negative, self-destructive behavior like drinking, ect. Now, I stopped drinking yrs ago, and a life threatening injury has kept me from working and playing(iow, staying busy 24/7) and although I'm recovering just fine from my car accident, lately I just can't seem to stop dwelling on the abuse and it's seriously hindering my ability to live a normal life as I am often depressed, and filled with rage. Thearapy hasn't helped all that much although I haven't gone back in a couple of yrs. So,if you are a victim of any type of abuse, please tell me how you managed to put the past behind you and go on to lead a productive life. Thank you in advance for any/all advice or replies.

That which does not kill you makes you stronger. I think people are just wired differently. I came out of the womb a fighter and a strong sense of self, right and wrong, and fairness. My mother hated us (she actually told us regularly) and was very abusive. I would be mentally plotting my revenge as she was beating me as a young child - that revenge was mostly living well, being rich, and never seeing her again. I was born with a strong "I'LL SHOW YOU!" gene. I struggled with some self-destructive and unhealthy choices in my teens and very early adult years but eventually realized that was not going to help me reach my goals. My brother, on the other hand, internalized everything and believed it all the times he was told he was worthless, etc. Our paths in life were VERY different and he was dead by 45. I also ended up with an abusive spouse and I guess the same attitude kept me going there too. He always vowed he would destroy me if I tried to leave him. As with my mother, his abuse fueled me to prove him wrong. I've been out of that marriage a long time now and I've been to hell and shook hands with the devil, but I'm not "destroyed" by any stretch. A couple things that have kept my head above water was little nuggets from my grandparents that still play through my head - I can still hear my grandfather saying: "when you're going through hell, don't stop and visit, keep going", or "Missy, the first thing you do when you find yourself in a deep hole is STOP DIGGING" (and I frequently remind myself "stop digging"); they were also very big on personal accountability and not blaming anyone else for your actions. The other thing is hard physical activity - I think this is far better than any therapy (which I've been through). I realize very early that I have an addictive personality; I guess I come by it naturally as there is a lot of alcoholism in my family. Awareness is the key and while I drink, I do limit and I'm very aware about why I am drinking. I channel my "self-medication" into physical activities - biking, running, hiking. I push myself to the point sometimes of nosebleeds or vomiting; the anger motivates me to go that one more mile, that little bit faster, or to tackle that steep hill when I feel like I have nothing left to give(not so much anymore now that I'm older) but when I'm done, I'm drained and relaxed. Hard exercise several times a week is the only way I can keep severe depression at bay and the rage is spent. It also helps to get out of bed every morning and write down just 2-3 things I am grateful for or that make me happy.

[greatblueheron]

Sorry OP, about your past.

My answer is simple....in my experience, the only way to overcome it is to get therapy dealing with your specific issues. Only when you work THROUGH them will they stop having a negative impact on you. Not possible to just forget, ignore it. As you found with your therapist....search again for one you'll feel comfortable with and proceed again to help yourself.

Best wishes.

[Miss Ree]

Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork

Another old thread, but what the heck, I'll have a go in case it helps someone...

Therapists haven't been helpful for me. I know some say you have to really shop around to find the "right" one, but every time I've tried, it's been useless, and I don't have time to invest in a few sessions with one after another like that. I simply...don't. Obviously therapy helps enough people that it is recommended by many, so I won't say that therapy IS useless, it's just been that way for me, by and large. It's a very rare therapist who is any help of any kind.

What HAS been helpful- I keep a journal. Not a paper one, but a doc on a computer so that I can type out my thoughts every day. I need to process and that's really helped me. Some of what I do in forum posting occasionally brings a new idea up that I need to work on, too. So that's all good stuff for me.

And...I joined my local BDSM community. The nature of it is beside the point, I found a large group of supportive and respectful friends, there are tons of discussion groups which are a lot like a sort of group therapy. We talk about the nature of consent, better ways to do relationships, communication tools and techniques, and many times if a person is having some struggles and needs some support, we are there for them. It might not be therapy, but it is HIGHLY therapeutic. The main thing there, is that it's a community of people who don't judge and who care. And there are lots of opportunities for volunteerism and doing good for others, which boosts a person's sense of inner health and self-worth.

You can probably find many of the same elements in certain churches and other groups, the focal point may be utterly different but humans are drawn to community, and many of the same elements do tend to be there when humans do that very human thing.

So. If traditional therapy with a therapist is not helpful, I suggest a.) Journaling, and b.) Seeking a supportive social network.

EDIT: I've remembered another thing I have found helpful. While I am NOT religious, I have come to really appreciate a lot of Buddhist based philosophy and ideas. So reading stuff about that and using mindfulness and meditation techniques and things, has helped, too.

Of all the posts here, yours is the first one I’ve seen that recommends some kind of group therapy, something I personally found to be most beneficial and highly recommend (though the particular violence I endured did not stem from a childhood experience). The particular kind of group in which you found support was rather surprising though, not one I would ever think to explore, but hey whatever works, right?

Unfortunately most people suffering from mental and/or physical abuse isolate themselves and that’s the worst thing they can do for themselves. They need a support system. A good therapist is beneficial in the beginning IF one can find and afford a good one. Pastoral therapy can benefit those who prefer a faith-based ministry. But a good support group goes a long way in keeping one on track throughout one’s lifetime, much like Alcoholics Anonymous does for addicts. It is something you will be dealing with the rest of your life because one never truly “gets over it”.

I find it easier to accept support from people who share similar experiences which is why I recommend group therapy. I get multiple types of support from the different members—hugs from some and a symbolic kick in the rear from others when I need motivated. I also find it therapeutic to help others.

When seeking group therapy, do seek one in which members are required to sign a confidentiality agreement…very important!

[Sonic_Spork]

Regarding the question of whether one ever "gets over it."

Well obviously you cannot un-ring the bell. To some degree there will be thoughts and feelings inside of you as a result of your life experiences, and that won't change. One thing I've found to be useful, is to do my best to put a big buffer between my thoughts/feelings, and my word/actions. In other words, whenever possible I take the time to evaluate my internal stuff before I let it affect my external life and dealings with others.

This (in my opinion) is where one really learns...if not to "get over it"...to live in a healthy way with it. Take your time with life decisions, evaluate your motivations, and learn to recognize when a past event is triggering a present thought or emotion. Reprogram your internal code. What we must try to avoid, are instances of choosing people to be close to us who repeat abusive patterns, this is a reinforcement of an unhealthy concept of how the world, life, relationships "work" that we get in our heads when we've been abused in the past. We constantly look for confirmations of what that abuse taught us, which leads us to more of it. When you find someone who is NOT abusive, you have to be careful not to project stuff from previous relationships onto them, to mistrust them or punish them in ways they don't deserve.

Be wary of patterns. They are often a signal. If the same situation seems to come up multiple times, then the universe is trying to teach you something, or in other words, you're probably setting it up somehow, there's something that you need to stop and process and figure out, about what you're doing. Learn, too, to avoid negative self talk. Find things that put you in a happier headspace, like certain music or being outdoors or a favorite activity, and take care of yourself, this can help keep destructive dialogues from taking over in your mind.

[Faith2187]

I was able to move on after building a relationship with God, getting saved, praying, and regularly talking to a woman of God for counseling.