I had to first acknowledge what happened. It happened to me and it happened to my sisters. I lost a sister to suicide and another sister attempted suicide. I had my first suicidal thoughts when I was four years old. For years, decades, I thought it had happened so long ago and it was like it happened to someone else. I did not connect the dots why I started drinking when I was 11 years old, why I dropped out of high school, why I have so little trust in others, why staying in a relationship is so damned hard.
I then had to process what happened. To do that required that I attend therapy sessions with a counselor and go to Al-Anon meetings. I prayed. I talked and talked and talked. There were things I could not tell the counselor lady so I wrote to a British volunteer group called The Samaritans (
www.samaritans.org). Instead of talking, I wrote and wrote and wrote in what were probably dozens of emails back and forth. Once a year had passed, I told the counselor lady about my email correspondence with The Samaritans and why I did not tell her.
Now I continue to pray. I have two people that I can talk to. I understand what triggers my anxiety and PTSD. When the triggers go off, I look to see if there is a threat. I ask myself when the last time it was that I had something to eat. I ask me when the last time it was that I slept and how well. I realize that the other people in Walmart or the grocery store mean me no harm. If that does not work, I put my back to a wall and wait for the panicky feeling to subside to manageable levels. I go to bed at the same time and get up at the same time daily. I eat healthy and I walk quite a bit. I am finding hobbies.
Depression is no joke. I still have the occasional bout. Because I am an alcoholic, I will not take chemicals to control my moods and feelings. That's on me as those were my decisions and the counselor lady understood as did The Samaritans. I'm better and I am progressing. I feel better now than maybe I ever have.
I dealt with depression by learning to communicate. I pray. I learned what my triggers are like crowds, noise, and blood sugar (think "hangry"). Taking sobriety a day at a time has kept me sober for more than 30 years. I deal and dealt with depression by setting small goals and not doing anything ... rash a day or sometimes an hour or less at a time.
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