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That's the weird part, that he would shower you with gifts for leaving him but not for committing and loving him. It's like he doesn't respect you for loving him! I think he knows he's a bad guy underneath it all.
It was something else when I was made to look at that. I do not believe he respects me. . like pals said. . I've been his object.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Humble
It seems you are wide awake now. You've seen the signs all along, but maybe didn't tally them? Or give them their due? This guy stinks of CONTROL FREAK. I want to ask you, why you want to marry this guy in the first place? Do you really, really love him? Is there another reason? You may not even know, may not have even given this question enough consideration. Please understand, I do not ask you this to ridicule or rake you over the coals at a time when you are already wounded. But just as a question for you to consider for yourself. So many times, ALL of us, get locked into an idea, and then it just becomes how do I accomplish this? How do I carry this out? We are stuck on a road of "fulfillment", and that is when we forget to reexamine our initial motivation.
Tactics over strategy. The right tactics but the wrong strategy. Zoom out. The most creative place to be, and the place that offers the most clarity is at the premise, the reason, the basis from which our strategy sprang. Don't ask yourself how, not yet. Ask yourself, "Why?
Oh boy. Loaded question, but I can try to find the words as best as I am able to.
His "stick-to-it-tiveness" was attractive to me. He is a lot more boring and uneventful than my ex-husband and that is what I desired. I felt that boring would be a more emotionally secure world. If that makes sense.
I felt he loved me for me. Not for my looks or anything like that, just for me. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to feel safe loving.
With his traveling, it was always in the back of my mind that cheating may very well happen. I am not the jealous type, so I just figured that I would deal w/ those situations if they were to ever pop up down the line.
I was sacrificing some things that sometimes did not sit well with me for this. Wrong of me - yes. Like - not having someone to be bubbly, happy, jokey with. . . he is a very conservative man. I did not exactly have someone to be "stupid" with.
He loves me more than I love him. He knows this - never cared much, he said he just wanted me and to keep me happy. My commitment is what has been important to him, above all other things. He's told me time and time again that "love is a decision." It's a book he read - "Love is a Decision." Told me that in the end, it's staying with the commitment, regardless of feelings, because feelings come and go and come and go, etc. and emotions have very little to do with love. . because it's a *decision.* Never fully made sense to me, I only grasp the gist of it and do not care to read the book. Sounds like a religious cultist book. Do I love him? Yes. Am I *IN LOVE* with him - no - I am not. No fuzzy feelings and my toes did not curl. That's mostly and/or probably the reason why I am not hanging my head in tears right now. Could be the reason that I am perhaps able to calibrate things in my mind with ease right now - without an ocean of emotions getting in the way.
I disregarded many things that I should have not.
Last edited by JeepGirl118; 02-16-2010 at 12:29 PM..
This IS lengthy, but I need to vent so I can get my head a bit more straight.
I have not been posting here lately as much because I have been mostly been in my cave hiding - frustrated and confused. I was sad before - now I am just pretty mad.
Here it is just under 4 weeks away from our wedding date.
Situation:
Thursday he leaves for a convention to Vegas that lasts until Sunday evening. No biggie - have known about it for weeks. V-Tines Day would be spent apart.
The morning of V-Tines, my friends call me excited about how their boyfriends and husbands did this for them to make V-Tines special, etc. Having been missing him, it pulled on my heart strings a little bit.
Fiance then calls me. We talk a few minutes. His spirits were really good. he even asked me if I wanted to take the next flight to Vegas and get married that evening. I declined - our kids want to be there. He was cool with that [see, every week he CONSTANTLY tries to get me to marry him earlier and I do not understand WHY??? All he says is he is eager to begin our life together. So my sticking to March is NOTHING new]
OK---I tried to hide the slight "low" in my voice and forced a more bubbly me as best that I can, that failed, evidently - he asked what was wrong. I said, "Just miss you. Friends called with their happy V-Tines Day events with their SO's - you know how it goes - and I'm just pulling my chin up. Your call couldn't have called me at a better time, thank you."
He caught me totally off guard, raised his voice angrily, and said, "WELL EXCUSE ME, I DIDN'T SEND YOU FLOWERS OR ANYTHING!!! WTF DO YOU WANT ME TO DO FROM 3000 MILES AWAY!!! HUH!!! WTF DO YOU WANT ME TO DO FROM 3000 MILES AWAY!!!"
*CLICK* - He then hung up on me.
I sat for 15 minutes like this-------->
Nothing was about flowers or any delivery. We both knew that V-Tines Day would ping being apart. Pretty normal for couples apart. At that point, for all I knew, flowers could have been on the way. He's always sending me flowers and stuff. So his comment of "WTF, 3000 miles.." blew me AWAY. I have NO idea what that crap was about.
I did not call him back. Why would I? - I do not call back people who scream at me and hang up on me. 2 hours later, the doorbell rings. Flower delivery - to add insult to injury - not from my Fiance - flowers were from MY EX BOYFRIEND who just sent a note w/ it saying, "Have a great Valentines!"
I called my ex-boyfriend to thank him. He said that he was thinking about me early Sunday afternoon and ordered them for me and was happy I received them and liked them. Nothing more, nothing less - and we hung up.
It's 5AM on Tuesday morning and he and I still have not called each other. It feels like a stand-off.
My friends feel that he treats me like a possession, like property. In the past month, he's been yelling at me more out of the blue. VERY unlike the normal him.
After what happened Sunday - and his not coming back to me to at least apologize, explain - JUST SOMETHING ---I do not want to get married in March. His yelling at me more so recently over the most stupid stuff really has my red flags up at full mast. His yelling at me as he has started to and did on Sunday is NOT OK. I will not allow someone to continue to treat me like that, lest marry him. I'm not freaking desperate or insane. Hell, if this is a PREVIEW of what's to come. . .
Why in the hell would I want to marry someone that would do that to me on V-Tines Day - a month before the wedding - and STILL no call and we are on Tuesday now? Forget it - I won't marry anyone that will disrespect me like that and will not communicate w/ me. The closer it gets - the LESS he puts into this relationship! I feel taken for granted! Which I do NOT get since he is trying to drag me to the alter faster every other day. Why is he trying to pull me into a marriage more quickly. . .is all I can think now. There HAS to be an ulterior motive based on his behaviors lately.
My friends, male and female both tell me to run and to run away FAST. They used to really like him, but again, with the way he's been treating me lately the closer it gets to the wedding - and his increasing his attempts to marry me much sooner.
I am RELIEVED I am seeing this NOW.
Your thoughts. . .
Postpone this wedding a.s.a.p let everyone know what's happening in advance of course until you figure out what exactly your fiance's problem is.
It was something else when I was made to look at that. I do not believe he respects me. . like pals said. . I've been his object.
Oh boy. Loaded question, but I can try to find the words as best as I am able to.
His "stick-to-it-tiveness" was attractive to me. He is a lot more boring and uneventful than my ex-husband and that is what I desired. I felt that boring would be a more emotionally secure world. If that makes sense.
I felt he loved me for me. Not for my looks or anything like that, just for me. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to feel safe loving.
With his traveling, it was always in the back of my mind that cheating may very well happen. I am not the jealous type, so I just figured that I would deal w/ those situations if they were to ever pop up down the line.
I was sacrificing some things that sometimes did not sit well with me for this. Wrong of me - yes. Like - not having someone to be bubbly, happy, jokey with. . . he is a very conservative man. I did not exactly have someone to be "stupid" with.
He loves me more than I love him. He knows this - never cared much, he said he just wanted me and to keep me happy. My commitment is what has been important to him, above all other things. He's told me time and time again that "love is a decision." It's a book he read - "Love is a Decision." Told me that in the end, it's staying with the commitment, regardless of feelings, because feelings come and go and come and go, etc. and emotions have very little to do with love. . because it's a *decision.* Never fully made sense to me, I only grasp the gist of it and do not care to read the book. Sounds like a religious cultist book. Do I love him? Yes. Am I *IN LOVE* with him - no - I am not. That's mostly and/or probably the reason why I am not hanging my head in tears right now. Could be the reason that I am perhaps able to calibrate things in my mind with ease right now - without an ocean of emotions getting in the way.
I disregarded many things that I should have not.
STAYING is a decision, a commitment. But LOVE is something we do even when we shouldn't. Sweetheart, and I call you that not as a man trying to catch you on the rebound, but as a man who loves women for the beauty that you are, for the love that you have that few men, myself included can even fathom let alone equal, and as a man that is in a relationship, as someone who is committed to a relationship due to elements that are more important than I am, and who truly loves his SO, but has found that as the song goes, "The loving was easy, it's the living that's hard." I don't know you, but from your posts on this thread you seem too sincere for this guy, too much of the heart. I could be dead wrong, times two, but my instinct tells me that if you "commit" to a life with his guy you will jeopardize your soul. You need to have a heart to heart, with YOURSELF! I have a feeling that the best of you is still intact.
STAYING is a decision, a commitment. But LOVE is something we do even when we shouldn't. Sweetheart, and I call you that not as a man trying to catch you on the rebound, but as a man who loves women for the beauty that you are, for the love that you have that few men, myself included can even fathom let alone equal, and as a man that is in a relationship, as someone who is committed to a relationship due to elements that are more important than I am, and who truly loves his SO, but has found that as the song goes, "The loving was easy, it's the living that's hard." I don't know you, but from your posts on this thread you seem too sincere for this guy, too much of the heart. I could be dead wrong, times two, but my instinct tells me that if you "commit" to a life with his guy you will jeopardize your soul. You need to have a heart to heart, with YOURSELF! I have a feeling that the best of you is still intact.
Thank you. I don't mind being called Sweetheart - lol - that's just me, the CD Forum Sweetheart, you see.
Some people are gagging right now, mumbling under their breath. [And I know who you are!!]
The best of me is still very much intact. This does not even scratch the surface in breaking me. Funny this is - it was not too long ago, before Christmas, that I felt this man may have been too good for me and I did not deserve the sort of love he gave to me. That was before he started all of his BS.
I came out of my divorce pleasingly/mostly un-jaded and without too many scars. I can laugh about how busy my ex-hubby's wandering pecker was. He had the fastest pecker in the West, he was like the Doc Holiday of weenie. I do not blame myself and for certain I will not allow a man [or anyone] the power to break me, despite how he [or any person in general] may affect me.
I do see this as his loss. I've already been through the 7 Levels of Hell. . there is no other way but up from here. Just practice for the right one - another pit stop in my journey.
Thank you. I don't mind being called Sweetheart - lol - that's just me, the CD Forum Sweetheart, you see.
Some people are gagging right now, mumbling under their breath. [And I know who you are!!]
The best of me is still very much intact. This does not even scratch the surface in breaking me. Funny this is - it was not too long ago, before Christmas, that I felt this man may have been too good for me and I did not deserve the sort of love he gave to me. That was before he started all of his BS.
I came out of my divorce pleasingly/mostly un-jaded and without too many scars. I can laugh about how busy my ex-hubby's wandering pecker was. He had the fastest pecker in the West, he was like the Doc Holiday of weenie. I do not blame myself and for certain I will not allow a man [or anyone] the power to break me, despite how he [or any person in general] may affect me.
I do see this as his loss.
I hope you put a note in the FED EX box along with the ring that reads:
"Here's what you can do...Kiss my a** from 3000 miles away!"
Thank you. I don't mind being called Sweetheart - lol - that's just me, the CD Forum Sweetheart, you see.
Some people are gagging right now, mumbling under their breath. [And I know who you are!!]
The best of me is still very much intact. This does not even scratch the surface in breaking me. Funny this is - it was not too long ago, before Christmas, that I felt this man may have been too good for me and I did not deserve the sort of love he gave to me. That was before he started all of his BS.
I came out of my divorce pleasingly/mostly un-jaded and without too many scars. I can laugh about how busy my ex-hubby's wandering pecker was. He had the fastest pecker in the West, he was like the Doc Holiday of weenie. I do not blame myself and for certain I will not allow a man [or anyone] the power to break me, despite how he [or any person in general] may affect me.
I do see this as his loss. I've already been through the 7 Levels of Hell. . there is no other way but up from here. Just practice for the right one - another pit stop in my journey.
The Doc Holiday of Weenie?! Ha, ha, ha!! You sure are intact. Many times I think we talk ourselves into something; for some reason you thought he was too good for you? I wonder how much he had to do with that? But for one reason or another we are determined to stay the course, 'cause after all, no matter what course we've chosen right or wrong it does take determination. But if your like me at all, there comes a time when we can no longer deny that alarm that's been going off inside, and it's time to reexamine what led us to our decision in the first place. It's always a disappointment when we finally see that we have been wrong and now must drop the self delusion and start from scratch.
No note. LOL - I was seriously contemplating going and having the stones switched out to Cubic Zirconia though. But nah, just could not be that mean.
Good thought but I'm proud of you for being the bigger person!
**Me....I would have cut that f*ing band up into several pieces with some wire cutters and dipped into black paint, let dry and then sent back to him. But hey, someone's gotta be the better person!**
Wow. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but it sounds like you've made the right decision. I admire your strength. Keep on keepin' on!
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