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I can't say you did what I would've done; I can't sugarcoat it for you Amy. I think several of us on here tried to advise against it, but I certainly am not going to beat up on you.
The only analogy that I could draw is if I were in love with a girl, and had a best friend (guy) that I relied upon, it would be very upsetting to me to spill my heart out to him and then he turn around and tell me that he was in love with me. But, I'm a guy and guys often think differently. It won't help to beat yourself up but you have to understand her situation. Regardless of how good or bad this guy is for her, it's him that she has these strong romantic feelings for and for her best friend to spring something like that on her (at this time) is kind of throwing alot of emotions into the mix.
To be honest, I would, if the situation existed that I told you before, be running for the door and not come back for quite some time. The fact that she wants to speak with you in person so soon shows that she cares very much for you, but not in that way. Perhaps you two have a very strong bond and this won't be any big deal in the long run. I wish you the best.
Location: Finally made it to Florida and lovin' every minute!
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Amy, honey, my heart goes out to you. It must have been so difficult to see what was happening. Your reaction is totally understandable. I'm not going to say what you did was right or wrong. It's done, it's over, there's no taking it back. It is what it is, as my boss says.
I also think your friend's reaction was understandable. She's had a lot on her plate, and then she's blindsided by something she didn't know and may or may not comprehend.
You are very lucky, though. It sounds like your friendship is going to remain intact. I sure hope so. It sounds like she's done some soul searching and knows how she wants to go forward in the relationship between the two of you. Listen to her when she talks and try to understand where she's coming from, as she is trying to understand your position. And then, no matter what, you will need to accept her decision. It may not be an easy thing to do, but you'll have to. The up side? It sounds like your friendship means a lot to her and she wants to maintain it. Another upside? She may be willing to explore a romantic life with you. The down side? She may not be willing to do that.
Best wishes, Amy. Like another poster said, you're past the tallest hurdle. Hang in there, and be the strong woman I know you are.
Thank you all for your words, advice and support. It really means a lot to me. I can't even talk to my family about this, because they don't know that I am into girls yet. So, to let all of this out on this forum is really helping me. You all may not know me personally, but your support is totally appreciated!
Location: The Frenchie Farm, Where We Grow 'em Big!
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Amy,
I would like to extend my heart filled feelings to you. I know what you are going through. A heartbreak isn't easy. But, you're a smart and lovely women. I hope your best friend will come around and and see the brighter side of this situation.
If there are any questions or concerns, especially the GLBT issues, let me know. I've volunteered a few time at the GLBT center at WEHO. I'm here in the West Valley. Just PM. I'm there!
I would like to extend my heart filled feelings to you. I know what you are going through. A heartbreak isn't easy. But, you're a smart and lovely women. I hope your best friend will come around and and see the brighter side of this situation.
If there are any questions or concerns, especially the GLBT issues, let me know. I've volunteered a few time at the GLBT center at WEHO. I'm here in the West Valley. Just PM. I'm there!
The thing about close friends is that usually, no matter what they will still be there. A love between two close friends is a very special bond - one akin to a parent and child almost in power and even stronger than most romantic relationships in my opinion.
However, we cannot control who we fall for - I personally think it would be great if I could control that, it would make my life much easier. I don't know how long you two have been very close but I'm sure if you have a strong friendship it will be able to work through this. She's probably in a sort of shock - no expecting a good friend to declare their love for her especially after going through the emotional turmoil of a break up.
Give her time to let it soak in and for her to think about all that has happened. She just needs to some time to think about the metaphorical "bomb" that was dropped on her. One thing about friends is that you can be honest with each other. However, such things like love are very touchy.
Let me illustrate what I mean with an example from my own life. I have a friend whom I've only know for about 3 years. However, we have become quite close in those years. I consider her one of my closest friends and she feels the same - we would do practically anything for each other and have a deep friendship and love for one another.
Then, a while back - something changed for me. I started looking at her and feeling somewhat different. I would smile just at the thought of her. I would feel an ache when I was away from her and a drug-like high when I was close to her.
I figured I just had developed a little crush on one of my friends and that's all. It would subside with time as all crushes do. Over a year later (well almost two) - those feelings are stronger than they have ever been. It is almost maddening. One night especially was hard yet wonderful. She showed up at my house crying and just came up and hugged me and would not let go. I asked her friends that were with her what was wrong. Apparently she found out that an acquaintance of hers had taken advantage of her while she was very drunk one night and she never knew. She felt terrible and betrayed and said she needed to feel safe and the one place she knew she would was with me.
She never left my touch that entire night and until the next afternoon. She stayed huddled close to me the whole time - while we sat and watched TV on my couch, while we slept, and the next morning when she talked about why she had such a bad night. She told me how grateful she was for me being there and how being close to me made her feel safe like nothing in the world could ever harm her in any way.
I don't recall ever really gettin aroused while I was with her that evening. All I felt was this euphoric "high" of holding her close and savoring every small touch, every smile, and every gaze into her eyes. I had only felt something that strong a long time ago when I was married (I was married from 1998-2001 and the events I'm talking about happened just last summer).
I did my best to not say anything as I simply did what I could for her as a friend but kept any other feelings to myself.
I'm sure many of you are asking why I did that. Well, she was engaged at the time - her man was in prison but about to get out. She has two girls by him.
So I kept my mouth shut, I was about to move to go to grad school anyway and I figured it would surely pass then. A year later - it hasn't. It won't go away.
It was very hard for me when she got married late last year. However, I was there for her as I always have been - taking pictures, helping with the setup and the reception. I actually was the one who danced with her after the ceremony when her new husband decided to take off for an hour or two and hotbox it with his boys instead of celebrating with his new bride. She kept thanking over and over again for being there, how much it meant to her, how much she missed me...of course all that didn't help my predicament.
I have been in Dallas for almost a year now. I recently went down and visited with my friends and family and had an opportunity to see her at her home with her girls and husband. I went by - she didn't know I was coming - I walked in the door and she saw me and for a second it almost looked like she was going to cry and hugged me for what seemed like a good while. I thought her husband was gonna come in and break it up.
Anyhow, we spent time catching up and we took a ride to the store to grab some beers to sit and talk over. The whole ride to the store and back she was talking and I couldn't help but smile everytime I looked at her - I must have looked like I was on something smiling like a moron. All I could think of was how beautiful she was and how I wanted to be close to her and never have to leave her.
I've never told her how I feel. It will be two years now - in a few months - that I've felt this way about her. I'm pretty certain it is not a simple crush - it would have faded by now.
The sad part is that I can never tell her how I feel. Nothing good will come from it. Even if she feels the same way - who am I to break up her family? I can't do that to her.
There are only two very close friends that know how I feel about her and they are keeping the secret as I've asked and will never tell anyone.
So that is my sob story - I feel I truly love one of my close friends, a girl who I can never tell how I feel about her. I have to keep the feelings to myself no matter how badly they want to come out - no matter how much heartache they cause - I will not do anything to hurt her, no matter how much pain it causes me - physically or emotionally.
So, Amy, I understand the feelings you are wrestling with - I do my best to suppress them everyday. Because, at least, for me this secret is better left untold. But I just thought I'd share my own experience and let you know that it happens to so many people, everyday.
Wow, Solidsquid, thanks for your post... I really feel for you. But that's what I am trying to avoid. If I would've kept quiet, then maybe she would've got back with her boyfriend... but now that she knows how I feel about her, then just maybe, maybe she'll start feeling the same way about me... She knows that I will never hurt her, and so far every man she's had -- hurted her.
So, I am truly hoping that when we talk tomorrow, she will tell me that she want to be with me too.
Again, Solidsquid, I am sorrrrrrryyyy for the predicament that you are in.
You all probably would make an awesome couple too.
Too bad you didn't make your move before she met her husband. But maybe it just wasn't meant to happen between you two. I am sure your great girl is out here somewhere, and you'll find her.
Amy.....darling.....without being crass, I think you're trying to cram a square peg in a round hole unless there's some big secret your friend has been keeping too.....she loves her boyfriend, she's told you that.....she left in shock and disbelief because she's coping with her own feelings about betrayal by the guy, and maybe she kind of feels like you fell out from under her when she needed you most. To be honest, that kind of bombshell is nothing short of a bombshell to straight people even on their best day.
You may be trying to make it something that it's not - I suspect you are. PLEASE - whatever you have to do to save your friendship, do it and move on.....you can't make her be gay and love you any more than you can be straight and love a guy...stop, or your gonna get your heart broken worse...
Thanks Amy. I really hope everything works out for you two. I know in another place and another time my friend and I could have been very happy together. It's a funny thing that there's a particular song I hear now and then on my playlist that fits perfectly with such feelings - it's by a German band called Edguy - very beautiful yet very sad song.
Again, I hope it does work out for you too - being with the one you love is a feeling I think everyone should feel.
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