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All I can say to you is that if you don't want kids, don't have them.
Don't be pressured into it. i'm sure you are aware that children are a great stress on a couple, now add in the complication that you're slightly resentful of the kids for "ruining your life".
Not only will you ruin your marriage, you will ruin it with your kids.
I didn't want kids, and my ex-wife stopped the pill without telling me, and the next thing I knew, I was a dad.
I wasn't ready, and, although I tried my best, I couldn't cut it.
Combined with other stuff, it has led to an "interesting" relationship with my son now.
As many others have said, there are countless ways his DNA can be passed on now, if it does wind up that anyone has "passed their best".
Thanks Thursday. We have talked about it several times and he said he is willing to wait at long as it takes. It's not something he would leave me over, and fatherhood is not something I want to deprive him of. I honestly thought we would have had children by now. And part of me has always felt that God would give us a child when we were ready, birth control is only 99% effective right? Once in a blue moon I think I'm ready and all gun hoe (sp?), and then within 24 hours I'm a firm no. I've already planed on how I'm going to tell him I'm pregnant (if and when the time comes). My concern is, what if when I'm finally "ready", what if my biological clock has run out.
You can jump off that bridge when you come to it For now, you might want to talk to him about not being quite ready yet, if his and his family's pressure bothers you. It does not sound like you are dead certain you don't want kids yet. It sounds like you are not quite ready to make a commitment that is going to last the rest of your life because you don't feel that you are at that stage emotionally/mentally.
Definitely DON'T have children until you WANT them. It's all fine and good for the guys to want to be fathers, but it's ALWAYS the women that get stuck with the majority of the childcare while the menfolk are able to go off to work to get their timeouts from the kids. Having kids is a full time job for the women and a job that goes on for at least two decades for each child. Don't have them just to make your husband happy.
So why does your husband want kids? For many men, it's varying amounts of wanting a traditional family life like they had while growing up, they want to continue the family bloodline and name, and/or they truly love having kids around. And the desire to carry on the family bloodline is very strong if that man is an only child or the only son in his family. And in those situations, there is also pressure from their parents and family to produce kids.
Lastly, some people think that it's their greatest life legacy to have and raise kids. I don't and partly because I feel that there are too many humans on this planet. I just don't have that animal instinct to want to pass on my genes. Otherwise, I have better things to do with my time and my one life here on this planet than to make more human beings. And thanks to modern medicine, infant and child mortality rates are very low in the US and other first world countries. IMO there's no longer any need to "go forth and multiply" and the pope needs to tell his flock that. And I'm not having kids just to make sure that the third worlders don't take over the world with their kids. That's a race that I'm just not joining.
Do you or your husband have siblings that have kids or want to have kids? If so, maybe your husband could channel his want for having his own kids into being an awesome uncle. And then he could "borrow" his nieces and nephews any weekend he needs a "kid fix".
Or what about if you were the breadwinner and your husband could be the stay at home parent? Could that work for you? Or him?
As to why you don't want kids, it's okay with me as I am also a woman that never wanted kids. And it doesn't mean that you have to be single, as there are actually a good number of men out there that also don't want to produce and raise kids. Maybe you are also keen on having a career or just enjoy having a full time job and being around adults more than kids. Or maybe you find the whole pregnancy and childbirth thing unappealing. How do you feel about older children? What about trying out being a mentor or big sister to a teen to get your feet wet about being with a young person? And if that works out, what about you and your husband being foster parents? And of course, if you have any family members with kids, borrow them for a weekend or take them for a couple of weeks in the summer and see how that goes. You may find that having kids around isn't that bad (for you).
Divorce would be a very last resort. Personally, I have never even dated a man that wanted to have kids. It's just one of those relationship dealbreakers for me since I have always known that I didn't want kids, and at the same time, I would never want to prevent a man from having kids that he wanted... especially if I loved him.
None of my boyfriends past or present wanted children or have them. I have a few male friends of varying ages that are very happy not to have kids, with the older guys feeling like they were lucky and dodged the bullet by never getting a woman pregnant. Some are great uncles though. And my stepfather had no problems marrying my mom with the three of us girls, and he was fine not having blood issue even though he was the only son in his family. And he has nephews and nieces, but he's never been close to them. I think that while he was a great dad, he would have been fine not having children around also.
A couple of things you said got my attention. "Staying out late, sleeping in, packing up and going someplace for the weekend" sounds like something a selfish person might say who thinks mostly of just themselves.
Some women aren't programmed to be mothers through no fault of their own, it's just how they are. I was married to one like that. We had 4 kids. She didn't mind having them but didn't like the responsiblilty of taking care of them. We eventually divorced.
I got custody of the kids and that was rare for the male to get custody back in 1982.
I later married a woman who had 2 kids and we raised all 6 as a family. My 4 kids call my wife Mom and their biological mother by her first name. They know who provided the love and care through the years with no regrets.
Your husband wants to have a FAMILY to care for and carry on the family tree with the blood lines of the one he loves.
If that doesn't happen he will eventually die an old man full of disappointment, regret, and a feeling of failure and unfullfillment.
You shouldn't have kids if you maintain your present feelings of maybe never wanting to have any and accept the responsibility, good times, bad times, or the joy of watching them grow with your love and care and pride that only a parent can achieve with a lot of hard work and sacrifice.
But you should be honest with him so maybe both of you can move on and achieve what you both want out of life.
I will die someday but I wont be a lonely old man. My kids and grandkids will be there. Maybe even great grandchildren if I last that long. I will be happy that the family goes on. That will give me peace and be the legacy of me and my wife who raised and loved all our kids just as I did. There wont be any regrets.
But that's just me. Not everyone feels the same way and that is their choice and when two peoples desires clash it might be best to give it up and find someone who have the same desires.
There's nothing wrong with having no desire to have children but it's important that you have a very frank and candid conversation with your spouse about how you feel. It's very easy to be sucked into the vortex of having kids, home buying, or other major decision simply because it's the thing to do, all your friends/relatives are doing it, pressure from spouse/friends/relatives, etc.
Only you know if the "I want kids" feeling is there. If you don't have any desire whatsoever, then don't do it to keep your marriage together or please your spouse. It's just not a good plan.
I get the feeling from your post that your husband is amazing and you are feeling somewhat bad that you are "withholding" something he really wants. I applaud you for doing that; it's not easy. There are women who have kids solely to keep/please their husband/man and wind up resenting them later.
Then again, there are probably lots of women who aren't really sure that they are ready but they jump off the cliff and do it and it's the best thing that could have happened to them. It may work out that way for you but it may not.
If you know in your heart that you never want kids, you need to tell your husband that as soon as possible. It's not fair to let him think that you'll come around when you know you won't but keep waiting and hoping that some change will overtake you and you'll be ready.
I'm sure you are in a very tough spot.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a life of travel and weekend getaways. People who call that selfish are just as unreasonable as people who say that anyone who has kids is selfishly overpopulating the planet or whatever. Not everyone is built the same and people on both sides should not be judgmental about this issue because they simply cannot fathom wanting/not wanting kids.
Both parents and childfrees post there in a more amicable manner than I've ever seen on any other board.
You'll get some very empathic advice from women who are dealing with the same situation. A couple of them are going through the emotional wrench of ending their marriages because their husbands want kids. One has baldly laid it on the line at how unhappy she is at bowing to pressure from her husband and family and having a kid.
Much sympathy. I had it lucky in totally knowing that I was childfree and would not accept a mate unless they shared my orientation. It wasn't about the "selfish" reasons as some yabbut stated upthread. It was simply "I don't wanna". The freedom and lack of responsibility is merely a benefit. Some people simply don't feel the least interest in being parents, as other people feel the opposite.
A couple of things you said got my attention. "Staying out late, sleeping in, packing up and going someplace for the weekend" sounds like something a selfish person might say who thinks mostly of just themselves.
Some women aren't programmed to be mothers through no fault of their own, it's just how they are. I was married to one like that. We had 4 kids. She didn't mind having them but didn't like the responsiblilty of taking care of them. We eventually divorced.
I got custody of the kids and that was rare for the male to get custody back in 1982.
I later married a woman who had 2 kids and we raised all 6 as a family. My 4 kids call my wife Mom and their biological mother by her first name. They know who provided the love and care through the years with no regrets.
Your husband wants to have a FAMILY to care for and carry on the family tree with the blood lines of the one he loves.
If that doesn't happen he will eventually die an old man full of disappointment, regret, and a feeling of failure and unfullfillment.
You shouldn't have kids if you maintain your present feelings of maybe never wanting to have any and accept the responsibility, good times, bad times, or the joy of watching them grow with your love and care and pride that only a parent can achieve with a lot of hard work and sacrifice.
But you should be honest with him so maybe both of you can move on and achieve what you both want out of life.
I will die someday but I wont be a lonely old man. My kids and grandkids will be there. Maybe even great grandchildren if I last that long. I will be happy that the family goes on. That will give me peace and be the legacy of me and my wife who raised and loved all our kids just as I did. There wont be any regrets.
But that's just me. Not everyone feels the same way and that is their choice and when two peoples desires clash it might be best to give it up and find someone who have the same desires.
I find your post very harsh in tone. I don't think it fair to call anyone that wants to be childfree "selfish". It's just not what she wants out of life. And plenty of old people WITH children die lonely and abandoned in senior living centers, even if they were good parents. And plenty of childfree people die well loved and surrounded by family members and friends that admire the way they did live and love life.
People that have children, even lots of children are not better quality people that those who chose or couldn't have kids. And to be so determined to carry on your bloodline is actually very selfish to the rest of us and all the other living things on this planet.
And some of the greatest advancements for mankind in the sciences, arts and philosophical thought were by people who didn't have children as they poured their energies into their life's passions. Jesus didn't have a wife and children, and no one would call him selfish. And what kind of father would he have made as he traveled around spreading the word? What about all the popes and people like Mother Theresa? And many specialized professions like doctors have a high rate of divorce because the long work hours put a huge strain on their family lives. And developing new medicines and other technologies isn't a 9-5 endeavor. Advancements and breakthroughs take long hours and the dedication of those that are obsessed with their projects. The point is, that one can be a loving, giving person, but still be childfree. And our society wouldn't be so advanced if we were like the Haitians being undereducated and just reproducing.
A couple of things you said got my attention. "Staying out late, sleeping in, packing up and going someplace for the weekend" sounds like something a selfish person might say who thinks mostly of just themselves.
Some women aren't programmed to be mothers through no fault of their own, it's just how they are. I was married to one like that. We had 4 kids. She didn't mind having them but didn't like the responsiblilty of taking care of them. We eventually divorced.
I got custody of the kids and that was rare for the male to get custody back in 1982.
I later married a woman who had 2 kids and we raised all 6 as a family. My 4 kids call my wife Mom and their biological mother by her first name. They know who provided the love and care through the years with no regrets.
Your husband wants to have a FAMILY to care for and carry on the family tree with the blood lines of the one he loves.
If that doesn't happen he will eventually die an old man full of disappointment, regret, and a feeling of failure and unfullfillment.
You shouldn't have kids if you maintain your present feelings of maybe never wanting to have any and accept the responsibility, good times, bad times, or the joy of watching them grow with your love and care and pride that only a parent can achieve with a lot of hard work and sacrifice.
But you should be honest with him so maybe both of you can move on and achieve what you both want out of life.
I will die someday but I wont be a lonely old man. My kids and grandkids will be there. Maybe even great grandchildren if I last that long. I will be happy that the family goes on. That will give me peace and be the legacy of me and my wife who raised and loved all our kids just as I did. There wont be any regrets.
But that's just me. Not everyone feels the same way and that is their choice and when two peoples desires clash it might be best to give it up and find someone who have the same desires.
Reps to you, great post. Too many are discounting her husband's needs and desires.
(Goes to show people should discuss this BEFORE they get married, but its too late for that.)
If you dont want kids thats 100% fine, but also dont fault him if he leaves for someone that does. This is a two way street for couples. Your objection to having kids doesnt over rule his want to have kids. That said if your not the one that will give him children he has the right to look elsewhere. Then you can really sleep in after long nights of partying because you will be single.
Your husband wants to have a FAMILY to care for and carry on the family tree with the blood lines of the one he loves.
As the genealogist for my family -- which is kind of ironic: I'm childfree but interested in the family tree -- remarks like that earn a big fat eye roll. What I've found in talking to other genealogists researching common branches is that, after the third or fourth generation, you are lost and forgotten. How many people can state the names and history of their great-great-great grandparents? Even the names disappear in marrying out and sometimes far away.
And FAMILY doesn't have to mean blood. CF people tend to take great care in developing familial relationships with people based on compatibility rather than blood ties. I know there are some people I'm related to by DNA who I wouldn't p*ss on to put out a fire. Yet there are friends for whom I'd lay down my life. Blood kinship can be vastly over-rated
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Once in a blue moon I think I'm ready and all gun hoe (sp?), and then within 24 hours I'm a firm no. 
I've already planed on how I'm going to tell him I'm pregnant (if and when the time comes). My concern is, what if when I'm finally "ready", what if my biological clock has run out. 
For now, you might want to talk to him about not being quite ready yet, if his and his family's pressure bothers you. It does not sound like you are dead certain you don't want kids yet. It sounds like you are not quite ready to make a commitment that is going to last the rest of your life because you don't feel that you are at that stage emotionally/mentally.
. It was simply "I don't wanna". The freedom and lack of responsibility is merely a benefit. Some people simply don't feel the least interest in being parents, as other people feel the opposite.
