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Will it diminish , I mean i understand what your saying, right now my wife is coming over to have dinner with us and then she will leave in the evening, should I tell her to stop coming over for a while, or tell her to take the kids to her place, just until i can find myself.? I mean her coming over is that a bad thing? i think so and I want to tell her but I'm afraid she will take it wrong and take it like I don't want to work it out, you know what I'm afraid she just won't come back if I tell her that, I think I'm going to have to talk to her tonight.
My first recommendation would be to stop listening to the naysayers here. They are nothing but negative energy and negative energy is very draining. You did some bad things in your past you are doing good things for your future.
It is a good thing for your wife to come over. It's good for the kids to see the two of you trying to work things out and behaving like adults about your problems. Give yourself permission to have bad days, it's going to happen, life isn't perfect and neither are you.
It's okay for you to have "me" time. And if you are honest and tell her you are simply having a bad day and need space, it shouldn't be a problem and if the kids are comfortable spending the night with mom, let them go so you can concentrate on you tonight.
Regardless if the kids stay with you or not, tonight soak in a hot tub. I know it sounds girly but it can be ver yrelaxing and it sounds like that's what you desperately need. Try to have a better night than day.
btw, if you would prefer to DM me instead of dealing with the negativity, please feel free.
I am jealous and controlling and my wife is tired of it. She left me a couple of weeks ago and I have started counseling for my problem, things are going very well for me I just don't want to be this way anymore. it is frustrating I cant seem to stop myself when I get jealous, the interrogating and suspicion I hate it. My beutiful wife has never done anything to me and all i have done is pushed her away! my counselor says that i am insecure and the reason i am jealous is because of the fear that someone better thatn me is going to sweep her off her feet. I dont believe that i am good enough. that is so true, i don't I always feel that i have to prove myself to her and when I feel threatened i start up with the interrogations! it has become a darn broken record. My wife is great i know she love me but i need to change if there is any chance for my marriage. we have been together for many years now and i have been doing the same destructive behavior for a long time I am tired, and i know that she is also.
you need to just trust her, you cant control gods work, if a person is going to cheat, theyre going to regardless if u keeping taps 24 7 or give them their space. If you handling your biz at home, give her what she needs, she wont have reasons to cheat.Ive been there, my wife left me for 7 months, it took me losing her to realize i had to change, not just 4 her but 4 me too most importantly!!! Dont be dumb, smarten up and take it day by day or your going to lose her!!!!
OK Hope1er, you are now at one of the first "choice points" of your recovery.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CESpeed
btw, if you would prefer to DM me instead of dealing with the negativity, please feel free.
Personally, while i think CE's offer is very kind, it would not be right for you, because, as I've already stated, in my opinion, CE's thinking is misguided, and could potentially damage your recovery.
Since you are contemplating your own behaviour, which you have already acknowledged is "negative", then to avoid "dealing with the negativity" is to avoid the truth.
While the truth may hurt from time to time, is it better to hear it, so you can learn from it, or is it better to avoid it and make those mistakes again ?
This is not negative to me and I am sorry if I came across that way, this is extremely helpful to me. I want to get help and this is a good outlet for me. This is why I keep posting I need help and I want help, I need advice and I am getting it. i think the more I post the bigger the picture gets, the bigger the picture the more details you get the more details you get the better advice I get, I don't get bothered or angry about the responses I get on here, I get scared because I realize that my chances of fixing this are slim. Yesterday my wife was suppose to come over and she didn't, I called a couple of times and she didn't answer. It's good though this give me time to think, I want and need to let go for now, I am powerless over the situation, I have to accept that first before anything else I trust her and her decisions, for some reason she did not come over yesterday and it's okay. Today I feel good and I am going to take the advice given here and just go with the flow, I am not giving up I am just taking a break. I am POWERLESS over the situation I only control MYSELF and MY actions.
This is not negative to me and I am sorry if I came across that way, this is extremely helpful to me. I want to get help and this is a good outlet for me. This is why I keep posting I need help and I want help, I need advice and I am getting it. i think the more I post the bigger the picture gets, the bigger the picture the more details you get the more details you get the better advice I get, I don't get bothered or angry about the responses I get on here, I get scared because I realize that my chances of fixing this are slim. Yesterday my wife was suppose to come over and she didn't, I called a couple of times and she didn't answer. It's good though this give me time to think, I want and need to let go for now, I am powerless over the situation, I have to accept that first before anything else I trust her and her decisions, for some reason she did not come over yesterday and it's okay. Today I feel good and I am going to take the advice given here and just go with the flow, I am not giving up I am just taking a break. I am POWERLESS over the situation I only control MYSELF and MY actions.
Thats the bad thing about these forums, alot of these folks is judgemental, but out of 20 responces u will get about 3 genuine people that care and give good advice. I was in a similar almost identical situation to yours. My wife and I seperated once because of my jealousy, [almost 8 months to be exact] At this time, i dated another girl, now people poke fun, saying that my marital status changes all the time. Yes both of us had issue we needed to work out and we are working on them right now. We been back together 4 months already, its not perfect, but its good, but 1 thing i will tell you, is dont take to the heart what alot of these people say. Do whats in your heart, but honestly jealousy is going to tear your relationship apart beyond repair if you dont straighten it out. Go to counceling i did, and it really helped, and remember again, "yon cant control gods work!"
Agree..Sugar coating it isn't going to help in the long run, he's a husband and a father.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobman
OK Hope1er, you are now at one of the first "choice points" of your recovery.
Personally, while i think CE's offer is very kind, it would not be right for you, because, as I've already stated, in my opinion, CE's thinking is misguided, and could potentially damage your recovery.
Since you are contemplating your own behaviour, which you have already acknowledged is "negative", then to avoid "dealing with the negativity" is to avoid the truth.
While the truth may hurt from time to time, is it better to hear it, so you can learn from it, or is it better to avoid it and make those mistakesagain ?
I'll make one suggestion...when the two of you speak, don't question her decision not to come for dinner, accept that she had her reasons and let it go.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hope1er
This is not negative to me and I am sorry if I came across that way, this is extremely helpful to me. I want to get help and this is a good outlet for me. This is why I keep posting I need help and I want help, I need advice and I am getting it. i think the more I post the bigger the picture gets, the bigger the picture the more details you get the more details you get the better advice I get, I don't get bothered or angry about the responses I get on here, I get scared because I realize that my chances of fixing this are slim. Yesterday my wife was suppose to come over and she didn't, I called a couple of times and she didn't answer. It's good though this give me time to think, I want and need to let go for now, I am powerless over the situation, I have to accept that first before anything else I trust her and her decisions, for some reason she did not come over yesterday and it's okay. Today I feel good and I am going to take the advice given here and just go with the flow, I am not giving up I am just taking a break. I am POWERLESS over the situation I only control MYSELF and MY actions.
She Instant messaged me today and said that she didn't want to talk to me right now i asked her why and she said that she was dealing with her own issues, I told her that I understood and that I would be here when she was ready to talk. I want to stop i want to let go, i really want to let things happen, this is hard but i am not going to call her unless it's about the kids. when she does call i am not going to question anything! i am just going to agree with everything and just give in.
Letting go of conrtol doesn't mean you no longer have a voice, it means your willing to listen to someone elses wishes and thoughts, without having the say so, it's compromising and sometimes relenting to do things another way. Just something to think about.
EDIT....
Showing respect for her wishes is in your best interest.
For your anxiety..you might want to try to redirect some of that energy, working out at a gym or running as a release.
This is not negative to me and I am sorry if I came across that way, this is extremely helpful to me. I want to get help and this is a good outlet for me. This is why I keep posting I need help and I want help, I need advice and I am getting it. i think the more I post the bigger the picture gets, the bigger the picture the more details you get the more details you get the better advice I get, I don't get bothered or angry about the responses I get on here, I get scared because I realize that my chances of fixing this are slim. Yesterday my wife was suppose to come over and she didn't, I called a couple of times and she didn't answer. It's good though this give me time to think, I want and need to let go for now, I am powerless over the situation, I have to accept that first before anything else I trust her and her decisions, for some reason she did not come over yesterday and it's okay. Today I feel good and I am going to take the advice given here and just go with the flow, I am not giving up I am just taking a break. I am POWERLESS over the situation I only control MYSELF and MY actions.
I love this post of yours. It really made my heart smile (oh, my face followed suit!) LOL There are a few people here who really, truly do care. Some of the advice might have seemed a bit harsh at first....but sometimes "tough love" is just that. It's love. The folks on here telling you the truth, telling it like it is.....are the ones who really do care. They don't care if they're the most popular, or if you think they're so cool. Sometimes, the truth really hurts....but it can only hurt you if it's true. I would so much rather someone help me my telling me something I don't want to hear, than hurt me by telling me something I WANT to hear. It takes courage for a person, whether on the internet or in person, to come out and tell you something they know is going to tick them off. But someone who really cares about what's BEST for you, is willing to take that risk. It might hurt your feelings now, but I might help you sooooo much in the long run.
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