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I think this thread is very interesting. Its great to see so many different view points on cheating. I myself am dealing with having been cheated on and still really not sure how to handle all of it. I am extremely hurt, still love him but confussed on what I should do. I am interested in knowing what makes someone cheat when what they have in front of them is so good. Not to be a egomantic but I am a fairly good person, work hard, play hard, keep update with what is going on in the world, funny, honest, stay in shape. I guess sometimes you will never know right and sometimes you are just not what the other person wants.
I think this thread is very interesting. Its great to see so many different view points on cheating. I myself am dealing with having been cheated on and still really not sure how to handle all of it. I am extremely hurt, still love him but confussed on what I should do. I am interested in knowing what makes someone cheat when what they have in front of them is so good. Not to be a egomantic but I am a fairly good person, work hard, play hard, keep update with what is going on in the world, funny, honest, stay in shape. I guess sometimes you will never know right and sometimes you are just not what the other person wants.
I don't believe it's anything personal, or that you failed HIM....actaully, he failed you. and people, don't do things for one reason, but many. I believe be it male, or female...the cheater is never happy long with what they have. They are restless wanders, unhappy and own very little confidence. They only feel good about themselves when they are in a new relationship....actually, someone who jumps in and out of relationships constantly has severe problems...and do not care about the people they hurt along the way....perhaps it is more so, self gratification...yanno? Usually they are VERY good with a physical intimacey (as that gives them their power source) but very bad with a mental intimacy which scares them a great deal.
at any rate, please know, that my last love was a cheater...womanizer....I loved him with every fiber of my being...and felt very much like you do at this time...but am now over him...and I believe the main reason is....he played very well, the person he Thought I was looking for, right down to planning music and places we went to together....but deep down inside, he wasn't that person...and the first time I questioned him, he ran...like a race horse...
so, I'm glad it's over...and yanno....sometimes when you loose, you really win.
Hugs to you my dear...pick yourself up and always believe you deserve more...do not settle for anyone who would violate your trust...once trust is broken...not that he's a bad person, it's just that he's not for you...your much more mature then that...and you possess an insight/perception that exceeds others...which is, you realize the ripple effects of someone's actions/thoughts and deeds....
I would suggest if I may, to get out there and live....it's summer...don't be afraid to go places (even out to dinner) by yourself....it's fantastic to do so. Take a run to the nearest beach...stay somewhere overnight, make a to do list of things you've always wanted to do and do them, a little at a time, and each day...make your own dreams come true.
Wish you the best...you do not have to be with someone to be successful!
Thank you for such a nice reply. It is defintaly a hard road to take. I can't say I am there yet on giving up on him. Though maybe I really should be, you post rings so true. You are right when you say that they are the ones that fail you, that they are restless wanders that are never happy for long. This is exactly how I feel. He is just a free spirit, needs that freedom to just go where his heart desires, no real roots in life. Nothing wrong with it,in some ways I admire him for being that way. Though I am slowly starting to see that we are just different in what we want in the long run . Even though we make awesome friends, and he is very supportive of me. Has been there through my father's recent death and a tramatic house fire , and supports my goals in my career and sports life. Though those things are great, he broke the trust and really I dont see ever regaining it, no matter how hard he may try.... thanks for the support and advice..... take care
Thank you for such a nice reply. It is defintaly a hard road to take. I can't say I am there yet on giving up on him. Though maybe I really should be, you post rings so true. You are right when you say that they are the ones that fail you, that they are restless wanders that are never happy for long. This is exactly how I feel. He is just a free spirit, needs that freedom to just go where his heart desires, no real roots in life. Nothing wrong with it,in some ways I admire him for being that way. Though I am slowly starting to see that we are just different in what we want in the long run . Even though we make awesome friends, and he is very supportive of me. Has been there through my father's recent death and a tramatic house fire , and supports my goals in my career and sports life. Though those things are great, he broke the trust and really I dont see ever regaining it, no matter how hard he may try.... thanks for the support and advice..... take care
One more thing, if I may...be careful...just when you are having fun, back in the groove of life, and not quit over him, but well on your way to be...he may be back...not b/c he loves you, although he will tell you he does and he has missed you terribly and cannot understand why he ever left you....and then, do it all over again. I may be wrong, but beeeeee careful....they all do run a sort of pattern....? You might be very tempted to believe him, as they can be a class act....
Thank you for such a nice reply. It is defintaly a hard road to take. I can't say I am there yet on giving up on him. Though maybe I really should be, you post rings so true. You are right when you say that they are the ones that fail you, that they are restless wanders that are never happy for long. This is exactly how I feel. He is just a free spirit, needs that freedom to just go where his heart desires, no real roots in life. Nothing wrong with it,in some ways I admire him for being that way. Though I am slowly starting to see that we are just different in what we want in the long run . Even though we make awesome friends, and he is very supportive of me. Has been there through my father's recent death and a tramatic house fire , and supports my goals in my career and sports life. Though those things are great, he broke the trust and really I dont see ever regaining it, no matter how hard he may try.... thanks for the support and advice..... take care
One thing I'm almost positive about is that it isn't you.... I don't know how much you know about what he's done or how much you even want to know but IMO the litmus test on whether there is hope is this:
Was it a random act or was it an affair???
-A random act would leave open the possibility that it was just a mistake. A bad choice made when circumstances all lined up for it to happen and it did...
-An affair has to be more calculating, more planned, and a pre-determined intent to cheat is there....
Sure, so it is the same as the difference between manslaughter and murder, right??? Well yeah, but look at how our law treats that difference. My point is this...... I think with a man who committed a random act of one-time adultery there is hope if you wish to pursue it (not saying I'd blame you if you didn't). For a man that was involved in an "affair" I'd cash in your chips and move on as that is not a mistake. There's a problem there.
Sorry this happened to you and wish you the best in whatever you decide..
VAFury could be absolutely right...
I do most certainly know, that a random act is not the same as the pattern of a cheater....you know him better then we do...and it is best to follow your gut instinct.
either way, I to am very sorry your going thru this kind of awful pain....it is hard to think straight when your going thru something like this...hard to be objective...
example, look at me, I've been hurt so many times, that I jumped right in and automatically labeled your guy a womanizer....he may very well not be?
Cremebrulee, I think you are right on target in a lot of ways. Especially with the leaving and coming back part. I can't tell you how many times he has done this in the past. I am not sure if a womanizer would be the right word. I think is he is just really confused on what he wants in life and what he can offer me.
VAfury, you have mad a very clear point and its sooooo true. My issue is I just dont know if its was a random act or a affair. If it only happened once or has there been more . I guess if I knew that answer then my decesion would be so much easier for me to make. Though I can see why some would say just leave him. What he has done, given if it was just the once, there is no excuse for it. I know what I probably should do, now its just getting enough courage up to do it. Like the popular saying goes "sometimes love just isnt a enough" I have faith though, that whatever is ment to be, will be. Lol and if anything at least some of my runs will be fueled with some anger, that is always gets my butt into gear.
Location: Phoenix...until next week, then Maryland...tick tock tick tock
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I know that the hardest part for me, if I were to try & work it out with a cheater, single or serial offender, would be living with my own imagination. I know me, & I would torture myself with the what-ifs so much that it would just not be worth the energy to try to resurrect an already badly damaged relationship.
WR, if you are thinking of working it out, you are a stronger person than I! Just do some really deep introspection & make sure that you actually have the capacity to trust him again.
Good luck to you, & don't put up with any crap from him...you deserve to be treated better than that!
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