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All of your advice is great, and I am going to pass it on, but Onglet's post made me realize we are getting off topic. My question is not what she should do, but why this guy would stay in a situation he is clearly unhappy with.
Some folks kicked out why should he move since she is meeting all his needs and he has to do nothing, and I think there might be something to this.
Someone else mentioned he might be depressed, which I think may also be a possibility, especially since he does not leave the house ever. It has been 1 year since he stepped outside!!
Someone else mentioned he might love her, and this is what he says, but he seems miserable?
I suspect he might have some sort of mental issue (agoraphobia?) and is afraid of losing his one human contact, even if he can't stand that person
All of your advice is great, and I am going to pass it on, but Onglet's post made me realize we are getting off topic. My question is not what she should do, but why this guy would stay in a situation he is clearly unhappy with.
he has to do nothing, he might be depressed, he might love her, he seems miserable, he might have some sort of mental issue (agoraphobia?) and is afraid of losing his one human contact, even if he can't stand that person
Any other ideas?
to try to "figure out" or "understand" or "analyze" or "make sense of" crazy behavior is itself an unhealthy act. It's like seeing a toxic situation, and instead of avoiding it or walking around it or giving it a very wide berth, a person wades in to the stench and the muck.
A far more productive and healthy way of living is to ask and pursue, "What does this situation ask of me?" and "Why do I keep attracting these situations into my life?" and "How do I take care of myself in this situation?"
in other words, when we keep the focus on ourselves, it is healthy
when we focus entirely on the "other person" we lose ourselves and stay mired in the muck and toxic garbage
He has it made. She is doing everything and he can just sit back and watch it happen.
I think she needs alittle bit more backbone and kick him out!
Won't see the kids? Fine. Don't see them. Bye. Your stuffs on the curb.
I totally agree with u. I am not baffled by the man-him I understand... Her on the other I don't. If I am her and rearing children I don't have time to bed down with someone I hate and he can't live with me and not pull his weight. I would not give him the option of killing me a little at a time. I would buy his plane ticket and tell him "I don't know where u going, but u leaving here in no uncertain terms."
to try to "figure out" or "understand" or "analyze" or "make sense of" crazy behavior is itself an unhealthy act. It's like seeing a toxic situation, and instead of avoiding it or walking around it or giving it a very wide berth, a person wades in to the stench and the muck.
A far more productive and healthy way of living is to ask and pursue, "What does this situation ask of me?" and "Why do I keep attracting these situations into my life?" and "How do I take care of myself in this situation?"
in other words, when we keep the focus on ourselves, it is healthy
when we focus entirely on the "other person" we lose ourselves and stay mired in the muck and toxic garbage
Trying to figure out the "whys" of things is a curse of mine, although also a blessing since it makes me a good researcher
to try to "figure out" or "understand" or "analyze" or "make sense of" crazy behavior is itself an unhealthy act. It's like seeing a toxic situation, and instead of avoiding it or walking around it or giving it a very wide berth, a person wades in to the stench and the muck.
Absolutely! Who gives a rat's patootie WHY this loser is the way that he is. If he feels his behavior is acceptable and that he doesn't have a problem then there's nothing to do about it. The relevant issue is why your friend continues to put up with it when she realizes full well that her children are the pawns who are suffering chronic psychological abuse and will continue to suffer as long as she does nothing.
It's totally illogical that she can't force him out when they're not even married.
It's totally illogical that she can't force him out when they're not even married.
Welcome to the Turkish legal system. Tenants rights are based on squatters rights back from the day when peasants had no legal title to the land they worked. The code has not been updated for this type of situation since it is very rare for non-family members to live together
Why should he leave?...He has it made. She is doing everything and he can just sit back and watch it happen.
Quote:
Originally Posted by STT Resident
Boils down really not to why he won't leave but why she puts up with it and doesn't just kick him out. On the face of it, it sounds like a horrible relationship which is of absolutely no benefit to her or the children and in reality is damaging to all parties. Neither of the couple is exactly a stellar role model for the children ...
Quote:
Originally Posted by typhoidmary
Welcome to the Turkish legal system. Tenants rights are based on squatters rights back from the day when peasants had no legal title to the land they worked. The code has not been updated for this type of situation since it is very rare for non-family members to live together
Funyman hit the nail on the head. Not only does she do everything for him, but she also has sex with him! Good grief!
I know that Turkish laws are different and she may be stuck with trying to find ways to get him to WANT to leave with no help from the legal system, so here's my thoughts:
1. NO to sex. Why is she continuing this? She has no obligation to do so, not even under Turkish law (I believe).
2. No to fixing his meals. She prepares enough for her and the boys - period. If he wants something, he can go out and buy it.
3. I'd either move my stuff into the boys' room (get a room divider - Room Dividers - OrientalFurniture.com) - or move HIS stuff into a corner of the living room. No way would I be continuing to share anything with him.
4. And I'd find alternate child care arrangements for when I needed a sitter. I'd sure not trust him at all alone with the kids.
Not being familiar with Turkish laws, I'd also look at a way of helping him visit his family in the US and using that time to declare him in abandonment of his kids and his apt. Surely buying him a one-way ticket to the US is cheaper than having to give up her own apt.
An alternative to all of that is to "simply" get myself another apt. I think I'd start by taking in a boarder to share the main bedroom while I moved into the boys room. Then, if he didn't get tired of sharing his room with some guy and move out; I'd take that money and move myself. Let the boys' father share an apt with someone he didn't choose. Maybe someone who was loud, noisy, and partied a lot - like a student?
I'm thinking we should just close this thread and file the "why" under "People are weird". I guess I am mystified by the concept of someone staying where they are not wanted and unhappy, which is why I posted it.
NY Annie, great advice! I am going to suggest she move in with her parents (they live in the same building) and sell the apartment.
Last edited by typhoidmary; 02-22-2010 at 11:06 AM..
Reason: Forgot rest of sentence
She needs a hockey stick wielding brother like one Antlered Chamataka used to be in his teens.
Go into houses and beat the crapola out of other dudes
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