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I was wondering if any divorcees here felt a lot of divorce guilt for your decision to end your marriage and how you've dealt with that? I got my husband served with divorce papers yesterday. This is the second time I've filed for divorce in the past six months. The first time, he begged me to withdraw it, to give it more time, that he'd changed, so I did. But then I went and filed again. I do feel like it's the best thing, when I'm not thinking with my emotions. But I keep wondering how many of our relationship woes were my fault and whether or not I tried hard enough before giving up (I kind of feel like I gave up 10 months ago).
What's worse is I have to live with him until we decide what to do with the house. Maybe if I could just move out or he would just move out, I could pretend he didn't exist and this would be easier. I feel so incredibly sad and can't concentrate on work most days.
I was wondering if any divorcees here felt a lot of divorce guilt for your decision to end your marriage and how you've dealt with that? I got my husband served with divorce papers yesterday. This is the second time I've filed for divorce in the past six months. The first time, he begged me to withdraw it, to give it more time, that he'd changed, so I did. But then I went and filed again. I do feel like it's the best thing, when I'm not thinking with my emotions. But I keep wondering how many of our relationship woes were my fault and whether or not I tried hard enough before giving up (I kind of feel like I gave up 10 months ago).
What's worse is I have to live with him until we decide what to do with the house. Maybe if I could just move out or he would just move out, I could pretend he didn't exist and this would be easier. I feel so incredibly sad and can't concentrate on work most days.
Back in the dark ages my wife of 25 years left me. Some time later I discovered that she'd already had a boyfriend hiding in the wings. In any event, she filed only for legal separation, probably for financial reasons. Not having ever been fond of halfway measures I counter-filed for divorce. I didn't feel any guilt then and I don't now. Truth be known, when she left I should have sent her a thank you card.
I've been down the divorce road twice in my lifetime. The first time I felt absolutely no guilt or remorse - we just weren't suited. Second time I did feel guilty as he was a great guy, but was impossible to live with. I later determined he was manic depressive. I felt guilty about leaving him, but we were both miserable and it was for the best. We remained on good terms for many years after our divorce and there were no hard feelings on either side. He subsequently remarried and from what I could see, she was much more suited to him than I was.
So OP I do understand the guilt you feel, but it will disappear in time. Also I would strongly recommend you live separately during this time. Once you have made the decision, cut your losses and move on. I couldn't imagine living with the guy I was divorcing...
I divorced years ago and I definitely remember feeling guilty even though my ex-husband was a worthless, abusive piece of poo. I felt guilty because I somehow thought that, like most things in my marriage, I would be blamed for the divorce too.
Like you said, maybe I didn't try hard enough, or maybe there was something else I should have done to make it all work out somehow.
The feeling is real, but in the end, you have to look at things logically and objectively. Success of a relationship is NEVER one person's responsibility. It will take time, but the feeling will fade. Keep thinking of the positive aspects of this journey to independence and happiness again.
I've been down the divorce road twice in my lifetime. The first time I felt absolutely no guilt or remorse - we just weren't suited. Second time I did feel guilty as he was a great guy, but was impossible to live with. I later determined he was manic depressive. I felt guilty about leaving him, but we were both miserable and it was for the best. We remained on good terms for many years after our divorce and there were no hard feelings on either side. He subsequently remarried and from what I could see, she was much more suited to him than I was.
So OP I do understand the guilt you feel, but it will disappear in time. Also I would strongly recommend you live separately during this time. Once you have made the decision, cut your losses and move on. I couldn't imagine living with the guy I was divorcing...
I know! Problem is he doesn't make enough money to get his own place and my lawyer advised me to stay in the house to make sure I get to keep it (if I can refinance) or that I have control over it getting staged and shown to buyers, if we have to sell. The next 3-6 months are not going to be fun.
I divorced years ago and I definitely remember feeling guilty even though my ex-husband was a worthless, abusive piece of poo. I felt guilty because I somehow thought that, like most things in my marriage, I would be blamed for the divorce too.
Like you said, maybe I didn't try hard enough, or maybe there was something else I should have done to make it all work out somehow.
The feeling is real, but in the end, you have to look at things logically and objectively. Success of a relationship is NEVER one person's responsibility. It will take time, but the feeling will fade. Keep thinking of the positive aspects of this journey to independence and happiness again.
I'm sorry you had to go through that. I feel like that's what's going on with me.
I was wondering if any divorcees here felt a lot of divorce guilt for your decision to end your marriage and how you've dealt with that? I got my husband served with divorce papers yesterday. This is the second time I've filed for divorce in the past six months. The first time, he begged me to withdraw it, to give it more time, that he'd changed, so I did. But then I went and filed again. I do feel like it's the best thing, when I'm not thinking with my emotions. But I keep wondering how many of our relationship woes were my fault and whether or not I tried hard enough before giving up (I kind of feel like I gave up 10 months ago).
What's worse is I have to live with him until we decide what to do with the house. Maybe if I could just move out or he would just move out, I could pretend he didn't exist and this would be easier. I feel so incredibly sad and can't concentrate on work most days.
Right after I left my 1st wife, I was doing therapy in a support group and a friend at the group told me to write all the reasons I left her on a slip of paper and KEEP IT in my wallet so that any time I began to have 2nd thoughts, I could look at my earlier decisions and REASONS for leaving which would keep me from weakly or fearfully GOING BACK to her and the horrible situation that made me leave in the first place. I was tempted a few times to "kiss and make up" but never did - thank god!!! We had a house but no kids so it was easier for me to pack up and leave her with the house and settle the property $$$ later on. I have had a few very small regrets and pains about my 1st failed marriage but therapy gave me the self respect and self esteem to get over it. I would never have made it without the help and support of others in those support groups where everyone was trying to get over their past trauma and pains. Once I was shown how good a relationship could be, it was not possible to go on living with so much pain and unhappiness and my 1st wife was not ever going to change her behavior so I left her! I did try to show her what I was learning but she was lost in Denial and believed she was PERFECT, while I was not! Oh well.............
he was a great guy, but was impossible to live with.
That's an oxymoron!
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Oxymoron
