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I guess when it comes down to the point of pay the car insurance this month,or pay for his medicine or buy the gift, it will come to forget the gift. If you have only x amount of dollars coming in and XXX amount going out, you are going to have to give up something, especially when you have absolutelly no savings, and the same amount of money coming in month after month. There has to be some kind of financial responsibility somewhere.Maybe when two or three more come along..
I guess I was raised differently. When I was a kid, many years ago, none of us grandkids got anything, and I am talking about myself and my brother, and all of our cousins.It was always like that,even for all the kids in the neighborhood.
Because my grandparents did not give us kids, all these so called presents and cash gifts, it did not make me not love or respect them, and I still have a lot of memories of them, not anout what thye gave me. It should be about time spent.
We were aware from an early age that they did not have the money, they grew up during the depression, so they made due with little or nothing.We were glad that they were just there, if they even were able to come. As we got older we bought for them if, and when we had the money. Now it seems to all be about gifts and giving.
If the boyfriend had money it would not be an issue with me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kathys
My boyfriend and I are on fixed incomes. We both drive old trucks that are in constant need of repair.
I really hate to see Christmas and birthdays come around. He has eight grandchildren. I am sure there will ne more of those in the future also.
They all live about 60 miles away. They always have these parties for these kids and they are all fairly close together when they have them.
I hate them, and it has caused a lot of arguments between us. He surely can not afford them and I long ago stopped giving. I ask him how many years is this going to continue? Until the grandchildren are adults. We could put this wastefully money to better use.
He still gives his grown kids 50 a piece for birthdays and Christmas. He used to give more, plus to the in-laws and his mother.I think he is nuts.
He has no savings in the bank, does not own a house and as I have said we both have junk vehicles, and fixed incomes.
What really ticks me off is his kids see us with these cars and we tell them we are not doing that well, and not one of them will say, you don't have to give anything. Most of them are not that well off financially either, but they keep spending, one has already lost thir home. They are not teaching their kids either. They have every new toy and video game there is. I just shake my head and keep it all in.
Am I wrong to be upset about this situation.? I have absolutely no security in this realtionship, and I get so upset when I have to go to these endless functions., seeing god money being thrown away.
I'm with you, and I guess it's because cutting unnecessary things from my life comes easy to me.
Anyhow, going by the picture you are painting, it's obvious that your husband does not care, so the next best thing is to get an easy part time job and save some money for yourself. Let go of the fact that your husband is irresponsible with money. Just do what you can for yourself; that's where you do have power to change the situation.
If it bothers you that much, you need to look at your finances and see if you can make it without him. If you can, share your concerns and be prepared for him to decide that your relationship isn't worth the grief, after all you did say that you no longer contribute to these gifts. Yes, it's annoying when you have needs and you see what you perceive as waste. But it's his money to waste. If he's complaining about being broke then I would gently remind him of where his money goes. But again only do this if you can manage without his financial contribution.
I guess I was raised differently. When I was a kid, many years ago, none of us grandkids got anything, and I am talking about myself and my brother, and all of our cousins.It was always like that,even for all the kids in the neighborhood.
Because my grandparents did not give us kids, all these so called presents and cash gifts, it did not make me not love or respect them, and I still have a lot of memories of them, not anout what thye gave me. It should be about time spent.
We were aware from an early age that they did not have the money, they grew up during the depression, so they made due with little or nothing.We were glad that they were just there, if they even were able to come. As we got older we bought for them if, and when we had the money. Now it seems to all be about gifts and giving.
If the boyfriend had money it would not be an issue with me.
I agree with you. That type of gift giving is not teaching the kids about what makes a relationship or about personal finances.
Could he give a gift of time instead? Get a card and put a note in it like, "I am taking you to the zoo next Saturday," or "You and grandpa are going on a fishing trip this weekend," or "I'll have a tea party with you."
since you all live so far, why don't you all just have a weekend they can spend the weekend with you instead? fix pancakes for breakfast, just hang out? Kids dont need stuff.. they need time and memories made.
Thanks, that is what I was aiming at. I do not have a problem with those ideas, which are very good ones, and make more sense all ways around.Time is more important than money.
What really ticked me off to begin with, is one of his kids asked me to use my credit card to get a cash advance to pay for the bankruptcy lawyer. Now this is the one who just threw the birthday party that cost $240 plus whatever the gifts cost.
Even with them losing their home and all their credit,her husband on unenmployment, with benfits ready to run out and one parent with an actual job, they still make more money than we do combined. Yet they still spend money like water, and this is what their kids see and expect.How are they going to learn?
It is ok that now for Christmas, they draw names, becaue there are now to many nieces and nephews, they are smart enough when it comes to that though.
I agree with you. That type of gift giving is not teaching the kids about what makes a relationship or about personal finances.
Gifts, on birthdays and holidays, are not really designed to teach grandchildren about personal finances, or relationships, in general. Of course, anything in excess can spoil them, but that doesn't sound like the case with the OP.
As a single mom who struggled a great deal over the years, there were times when I could buy my son something nice and times when I couldn't buy him anything at all. But, I never saw buying him a gift as a waste, even when I was scraping change together to get it for him. And he never took it for granted. I made it clear to him that presents are not to be expected, they are to be appreciated.
The OP has valid concerns, and possibly some decisions to make as he sounds pretty irresponsible. But the statements dripping with hatred and bitterness in her post would also be a huge concern. This statement....
"I ask him how many years is this going to continue? Until the grandchildren are adults. We could put this wastefully money to better use."
...would be a double whammy for me. I can understand not being able to afford it and being frustrated, absolutely. I do not understand hating the fact that he gives them gifts and considering it wasteful to do so. There is something more at work than the financials being strained, IMO.
Gifts, on birthdays and holidays, are not really designed to teach grandchildren about personal finances, or relationships, in general. Of course, anything in excess can spoil them, but that doesn't sound like the case with the OP.
I think the OP has a highly teachable moment. Buying gifts when you can't afford it sends the wrong message--remember the Little Drummer Boy? He worried he had no gift to bring but his playing was highly appreciated. It's a valuable lesson, especially in these times.
Grandpa is modeling being a spendthrift, buying things (even gifts) that he can't afford. Don't we want to teach kids personal responsibility in finances?
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