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I would date someone with a "pre-existing condition," as it were, and I'd stick by someone who developed a condition through no fault of his own while we were together (as long as I loved him, that is). But I would not date someone who, by smoking, living a sedentary lifestyle, eating poorly, and not taking care of himself, is asking to get sick. That's not the lifestyle I lead, and in all honesty, if you don't love yourself enough to take care of yourself now, why should someone else love you enough to accept the possibility of having to take care of you later?
I feel similarly about this topic. In fact, a man who is a junk food junkie is a major turn-off for me.
Illness can strike anyone, at any time. I know -- I have Lupus, diagnosed 6 years ago in the prime of my life. Until my docs found the right medications that worked for me, I was a mess and wouldn't even think of dating. (Believe it or not, there are always those rescuer types who "need to be needed" and will still pursue a person who has a health crisis.) But now that everything is much more stable and I know how to manage it, I'm starting to date again. You can't tell from looking at me that I've got anything wrong but if a relationship seems to be forming, then I do disclose.
So, I wouldn't have a problem at all dating someone with a health issue, as long as they are well-educated about it and know what they need to do, take good care of themselves, and follow doctor's orders. I won't date someone who doesn't take care of himself, whether he's been diagnosed with a health problem or not, unless he is working on changing his habits and there's a very good reason for a lapse. I know how precious life and well-being are and I couldn't respect someone who has a blatant disregard for it.
I'd like to know about his health issues on the first date, or even before. As I've posted before, I prefer to be platonic friends first with the men I have relationships with.
If he's a diabetic or a recovering alcoholic, I'd think that it would be natural for him to say something about during our first meal together.
I just think that it's terribly unfair to the other person to hide this sort of information in the beginning stages of the friendship/relationship. And if the other person has the maturity and kindness to continue the dating process, then that's major points for them. Otherwise, the alternative is for both to be serious and in love, then to test that love with the truth... and that seems very sneaky to me, like hiding an infertility problem or children from a previous relationship. I just think that it's always best for both parties to be upfront and completely honest with each other from the start. If the other person can't handle it, then they are lousy relationship material anyway and why waste any time with them at all?
And we don't have control over who we have a crush on. But I feel that true love happens over time.
I also think that a health condition should be disclosed pretty early in a relationship, if not on the first, then at least on the second date.
I met and fell in love with my husband knowing he was in remission from a rare and aggressive form of cancer. I married him after we found out his cancer had come back and he was facing life-changing surgery and treatment.
His surgery was 5 months after we married. I spent the next 6 months caring for his wounds, tube feeding him, and doing things I never thought I could do. He is doing well now, but still requires some special care. He has to go back for testing every three months and it is always nerve wracking waiting for the results.
I've never had second thoughts or regretted it for a minute.
I agree about letting people know early on about a health problem. I can't have kids and try to somehow work it into a conversation early. It is kind of a hard one, because blurting out, "I can't have kids" too early can make a guy think you are already planning a wedding or something and on a 2ne or 3rd meeting it might be considered odd
The only health issue that might cause me some hesitation would be HIV+. I know from my work that there are many serodiscordant couples and the HIV- person does not always get infected, but it would still give me pause. Also, how they were infected would be a factor as well.
I wouldn't let an illness stop me from seeing someone. We are all going to die of something eventually anyway so what's the problem? Like teatime said, as long as they are taking care of themselves to allow a decent quality of life before anything traumtic happened and he's a good person, I'm good.
I also think that a health condition should be disclosed pretty early in a relationship, if not on the first, then at least on the second date.
I disagree. I don't announce to the world that I have Lupus -- it's a personal topic that I'm not comfortable sharing with someone I've just met, whether that be a female friend or a potential boyfriend.
It's not like you can say, "Oh, by the way, I have Lupus, can you please pass the breadsticks?" Naturally, people want to know details. And they tend to think it's worse than it is unless you give them details. Talking about symptoms and medications isn't appropriate on a first or second date but that's what would happen.
There are a few "dates," and then there's a relationship. A date or two does not constitute a relationship. If we have been talking for a while, go on several dates, and it seems that this will become a relationship, of course I'm going to tell the person about it. But there is NO WAY I'm going to bring it up on the first or second date unless there's some compelling reason to do so and I must.
After seeing what a friend went through, watching her husband die, I would only get into a relationship with someone if they had a very manageable issue like diabetes, not leukemia, or a type of cancer with a high recurrence rate.
My friend married her husband just over 10 years ago, knowing that he had leukemia that was in remission. He had a bone marrow transplant a few years earlier that had worked and when they got married his health was great. Four months later, the leukemia came back with a vengeance. She spent the next nine years watching him slowly die. They had one child (using a sperm donor) because she would have missed her chance at motherhood and really wanted to be a Mom. Lucky for her, her husband was understanding about this.
She never considered leaving. He was on death's doorstep so many times, only to fight off the cancer and regain some of his health, and then relapse. My friend was on anti-depressants and in counseling for most of the final few years of her husband's life. He died at home just before Christmas in 2008. My friend is a lot stronger than I would have been in that situation. I guess, sometimes you just find the strength when you need it
Couple of years ago, my sister met and fell in love with a man who has diabetes. They have a good relationship, he accepted her with 3 children, has a child of his own and now they have a baby together.
She told me that when she started dating him, her close friend gave her slack for dating a guy with a health issue. Something in the lines of: "why do you wanna deal with this, you already have 3 children on your hand, you don't need to be worrying about this". I found this incredibly disheartening. If my sister listened to her girlfriend, she wouldn't be as happy as she is right now.
If you started dating someone and found out right off the bet that a man has some kind of health issue that he will have to live with for the rest of his life (such as diabetes), would you pursue the relationship anyway? Be honest.
Depends entirely on the bloke.
There are men that are perfectly fit and healthy who are probably going to live until their 200 hundred that I wouldn't date because we don't click. (well you know IF I was dating )
If we click and there's a pre-existing health condition then it's just one of those things that we'll need to work around. Life's like that. **shrug**
I also place no expectation on disclosure with regard medical conditions. As far as I can tell most people that have one disclose that information to those around them WHEN they've been able to ascertain the quality of the person they're dealing with. Absolutely no point in having the whole world see only your illness and not you by pointing out "flaws" on day 1.
I disagree. I don't announce to the world that I have Lupus -- it's a personal topic that I'm not comfortable sharing with someone I've just met, whether that be a female friend or a potential boyfriend.
It's not like you can say, "Oh, by the way, I have Lupus, can you please pass the breadsticks?" Naturally, people want to know details. And they tend to think it's worse than it is unless you give them details. Talking about symptoms and medications isn't appropriate on a first or second date but that's what would happen.
There are a few "dates," and then there's a relationship. A date or two does not constitute a relationship. If we have been talking for a while, go on several dates, and it seems that this will become a relationship, of course I'm going to tell the person about it. But there is NO WAY I'm going to bring it up on the first or second date unless there's some compelling reason to do so and I must.
Well, you know better than me, so no argument here.
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