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Abuse takes many forms and shapes, and the abuser and the abused both need help.
It is impossible from my limited experience to provide the kind of help that a professional can in these situations. While listening is helpful, it really doesn't make the situation better and just provides an opportunity for one or both to play the blame game.
I don't think a single reason exists for abuse, but is compounded when two people come together that provides fertile ground for its existence.
Sunny, try to get your friend to seek psychological counseling or just violence prevention counseling, either at a private setting or in one of the dozens of active women's centers throughout the country.
And as one poster mentioned, who the husband is or isn't doesn't influence either counseling or legal action. Remember that awful case we had in NYC of an attorney battering his wife and child (who died). They both were incarcerated.
I have had people who worked for me in a similar situation. I tried to talk to them, call the police and report it, and even encouraged them to leave ( I had a safe place set up for her). Yet, if they are not ready to accept the fact that love should NEVER hurt and are not willing to help themselves, there is nothing one can do for them. Hopefully, with God's help, they will be able to leave before they either end up dead, or killing the abuser. Which does happen and then they have to prove they were being abused! This does go for both men and women. I wish that more people would stand up and show that we will not tolerate abusive relationships in any way and report it more often.
A lot of women never discuss their abuse, especially if they are so broken down from the mental and physical and overbearing nature of the abuser. They think they are the lowlife that the abuser wants them to be. It is so sad that they can't trust even their own mother or shelters to help them.
Your friend won't get help till she is ready. Abusers love to isolate their victims from family and friends. The best thing you can do is keep the lines of communication open. Another part of this is economics. If she is married to an attorney, she is probably afraid she will be unable to support herself. Encourage your friend to accumulate some money of her own and work.
Leaving an abuser is frequently like quitting smoking. You know it's a bad habit and it's going to kill you. But you keep on going back.....
You have to walk a fine line between being supportive and being an enabler. It's not easy.
The first thing she should do is leave...then get the rest of her life (including psychological) in order. Her family would probably be only too happy to help her in this situation - if not, then a shelter would offer a safe place and counseling. It may not be an easy road, but it surely is better than continuing to live in this situation. As has been said, she has to take that first step - to freedom.
Thanks for the caring responses. OTR and others- she is diagnosed as borderline personality/ unstable- has been to therapy ad infinitum. It always becomes a blame game. It is upsetting to watch people let their life be destroyed. I live several states away-I dont think anything I say to her at this point will matter- I have known her 13 years and she tends to be dependent.
sunny
Last edited by dreamofmonterey; 06-03-2007 at 04:16 PM..
Reason: add
sunny, adding this information just makes it all the harder for you to make the kind of change we all want to make as friends. Try to take more distance, if you can, with affection--but you can't be her savior but only enable her to continue with her relationship.
Perhaps given time she'll make some change for herself--but this generally has to be an internal decision.
You are a good, kind person to listen for all this time; some wouldn't be able to sustain the friendship.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunnyhelena
Thanks for the caring responses. OTR and others- she is diagnosed as borderline personality/ unstable- has been to therapy ad infinitum. It always becomes a blame game. It is upsetting to watch people let their life be destroyed. I live several states away-I dont think anything I say to her at this point will matter- I have known her 13 years and she tends to be dependent.
Thanks for the caring responses. OTR and others- she is diagnosed as borderline personality/ unstable- has been to therapy ad infinitum. It always becomes a blame game. It is upsetting to watch people let their life be destroyed. I live several states away-I dont think anything I say to her at this point will matter- I have known her 13 years and she tends to be dependent.
sunny
My sister is borderline and frankly there isn't much you can do for her, professional therapists have a hard time dealing with these people and often limit their practice to having only one person with this diagnoses.
SAVE YOURSELF.
I have to put a limit on how much I will talk to my sister. My guess is that IF your friend is really borderline, she isn't going to leave because she enjoys having something to complain about and I am not saying that casually. These people LOVE to complain and whine in oder to get attention, poor poor me pity party kind of thing.
My sister was married over 20 years, she got in a snit with her husband and packed her bags and left, filed for divorce AND then got mad when her husband agreed to it and the divorce went through, she still tells people that her husband was the one who left her...
I'm not saying your friends husband isn't really abusing her but there is a certainty that your friend is fast and loose with the truth, therapist call is being a "poor historian"...with my sister, if I didn't see it happen myself, I don't believe it. My sister uses the phone as her personal therapy, she gets on a kick and she HAS to get someone on the phone to complain to...I have had her call me 6-8 times in a day, if I don't answer she calls my neighbor...
People with borderline personality disorder often have a problem maintaining personal relationships and jobs as well...it wears people out around them, the demands these people make.
What keeps a woman hooked into an abusive relationship is hope - hope that he'll go back to being the charming, wonderful guy he was in the beginning. Of course, even in the beginning there are usually signs, or red flags. The longer she stays, the worse it gets, though. Also, counseling doesn't always help, and sometimes it makes things worse. It may just help him learn how to manipulate her better.
Sunny, I understand your frustration, but in this case please keep the lines of communication open. She's already isolated enough, I'm sure. No matter how tired you are of her talking about her situation but not getting out, please keep telling her that she's worth a great deal, she's a wonderful friend, etc. When he does something to push her into leaving, she may hang onto your words for dear life. Seriously.
I'm assuming she has no children yet, since you didn't mention it. She really needs to get out before their are children. That will just make it harder to get out once there are children. Children would give him something to hold over her head if she tried to escape later. You've probably already tried this, but ask her if she wants her future kids to grow up in this environment. SInce your not near her, you could always get in touch with someone who is and discuss ways to obtain documentation of the abuse and maybe find someone to legally help get this man prosecuted. Sometimes women in this situation that don't seem to want to get help are too weak to try to get away and inside they are waiting for someone to take charge and help them. I think they may feel like "its no use to try" but if someone got them halfway out, that would give them hope to finish the job of breaking free. You obviously can't do that living so far away, but maybe you know someone close to her that you could go to.
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