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I have to say Sunny, look how long it took me to realize. She is dealing with physical. Crazy as it sounds, sometimes I wish that is waht I was dealing with. Seems it would be done with and gone, The emotional stays forever.
I think with physical, for me, if it were physical, I would recognize it, and know...this is wrong, and be out of there.
Then again, I may try and defend the kids by letting him hit me instead. Who even knows. And maybe she cant keep a job because the behaviors are not her ordinary type behaviors, that of which she is used to, at home.
Maybe she cant always cover her bruises, and doesn't go back for fear of someone seeing, this man is prominant. maybe she is afraid, with him being a prominant man, that he will somehow not get in trouble, and something far worse may happen if she tells, and leaves.
I can sit here and imagine all sorts of scenarios. But at some point, only SHE can make the decision, just like you and I.
It took me years, but when I made the decision, it went along swiftly, bumps in the road, and still having them.
We all can sit here and say she needs to get out or shut up about it, but we are not in her shoes. She needs to do as people told me to do...call the battered womens Shelter, domestic violence hotline, something.
I can only imagine she fears that nothing will become of it because of who he is in the community.
I agree with this.....she is getting something she needs or think she needs from this relationship. People in abused relationships stay for many different reasons, they are scared, self esteem issues, afraid to be alone or they are being manipulated. I don't think anyone likes to be abused but sometimes it's easier to stay then to leave. I was in only one abusive relationship and now looking back I see how I was manipulated, it broke me down, made me tired, questioned my own sanity...never thought it could happen to me but it did. If they just met, maybe it would be easier to just leave but it's been a few years and who knows how her mind is thinking? I know what helped me; deep down I knew he was the wrong person to be with, I finially had to look at it as my life's too short and knowing there is a guy out there that would respect me and treat me right. I had to do it myself, my friends negative comments about him really didn't help me get out. The only thing that was said that helped was from my mother....she said, every moment I'm upset, crying and wasting my time with him, I could be out having fun and meeting the right person. For some reason that really made sense to me and it's simple but so true.
Your friend needs to see that her life is worth something and every moment counts, she matters and if she stays she is watching her life pass her by. Getting her to realize that might be just as simple as telling her that. Good luck and I hope she gets out of her prison.
I couldn't say this any better, but adding to this...your friend needs to come to terms with why she feels that she doesn't deserve any better, and why she would accept so little, through self evaluation and going back over her childhood, b/c this pattern can be repeated and repeated if she doesn't self examine and demand for herself a better life...
One very important thing to remember...when you ask a why do people do this or that...there is not one reason, it isn't that easy, but there are always many reasons why....and that is what must be explored, and it takes time....and the necessity of it to understand it is essential...otherwise one will continue to choose mates who are inappropriate. I remember my counselor saying to me, those words...."It is very important you don't repeat this pattern, as it is very dangerous to do so". And guess what, I thought, naaahhhhh never again...and I started dating and guess what...I did....yuck...very insecure men....who thought sucess was in the money he made or the cars he owned....sheesh...very abusive man....but I broke away...not by telling him off, but by knowing in my heart, that he wasn't right for me, and simply sabotaged the relationship...I now can spot it very quickly.
well I havent seen her in a year- she is still with the idiot. The two sides to the story; I think he has tried to part with her, and she refuses to divorce; In NY there is a law that he would have to prove grounds (strange situation) . I dont think he actually beats her, it is more verbal abuse, but to be honest, I know there is nothing I can say, she will stay with him no matter what, so its a lost cause.
sunny
Last edited by dreamofmonterey; 10-03-2007 at 09:38 AM..
Reason: add
So she has family near by to help her yet she stays...
Dr Phil says people don't do things without a reason, she is getting something out of this relationship...what, no one can be sure but she is getting something.
My guess is that because she has borderline personality disorder, its something she can get attention with, something to get people to pity her.
Oh yes, in New York you do need grounds for divorce. And the grounds are very tough. Look it up on the net. Maybe she didn't want to divorce because she didn't do anything wrong and did not want to admit to something false. Would anyone want to do that? Or maybe she did want to divorce and he backed out. Do you know the complete story? It is easy to look up on public records. You can see if the action was dropped and by whom. You can see alot of people's character by public records. Oh by the way, how is your STBX? How are you coping?
Sunnyhelena
I feel bad for this person. To trust someone you care about, be let down and not know how to break away. Sounds like she is probably trying to prove she is good enough to hold onto people she cares about. Doesn't sound like a pity party. (Does she lay in bed all day...just curious.) it also happens in woman to woman platonic relationships. I had this friend who has some sort of psychiatric illness, not that I held it against her, but no matter how I tried to be a good friend she always sabotaged the relationship. I recently saw in her own writing awful untrue things about me while claiming we were "best friends" and that "women should stick together." She herself has an abusive marriage and I had given her advice that she chose to ignore. That's OK But agree to disagree. Don't walk away while claiming to LOVE your friend. That is very disheartening. One day, she stops calling. I reached out anyway to get nowhere but I will always know that I had loyalty and this is what she chose. I guess she is back with the man she referred to as an abusive loser who used her...(This is probably the tenth time in many years this has happened in our relationship.) She must be borderline too according to the definitions presented from Dr. Phil, etc. What do you think of this? I can't see her situation getting any better.
well I havent seen her in a year- she is still with the idiot. The two sides to the story; I think he has tried to part with her, and she refuses to divorce; In NY there is a law that he would have to prove grounds (strange situation) . I dont think he actually beats her, it is more verbal abuse, but to be honest, I know there is nothing I can say, she will stay with him no matter what, so its a lost cause.
sunny
believe it or not, verbal abuse is harder to leave...if you get hit, once, you go...but verbal abuse, does way more damage...and it can be done, very sublimitally....it is a horrid way to be controlled....it is very calculated and manipulative. Much harder to leave and much more detromental...
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