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I agree cremebrulee. Being a survivor of physical and emotional abuse (at the hands of a parent in my case) or anyone else, is very hard to explain and understand. (If you have not been through this sort of thing then I can understand other people's lack of empathy. ) You almost wish it were a broken bone because at least someone can tell you when it will heal. Our minds, healthy or not, are formed during those young years. Hearing a parent call a innocent child horrid names and beat them leaves an everlasting mark on your life. No matter how you try you can never completely escape it. I never knew just how bad it was until a professional asked me how I survived. These patterns unfortunately spill over in the adult years and no matter how much therapy you get in some form or another it is always with you. But I am proud to report that I did not resort to anything illegal or destructive, etc. I am a productive person who is pursuing dreams that involve others. I am slowly meeting my goals and I consider myself lucky inspite of some adversity right now. I also have not turned into a person who blames others or is bitter. My heart is always open to love, laughter and being a good friend.
Whether we want to believe it or not, some people like to be dumped on. She won't leave because she likes to be abused. There is no excuse (especially nowadays) why someone would want to stay in a situation like that, job or no job, kids or no kids.
These are excuses. The fact is she likes it.
Has anyone out there ever stayed with an abusive man. Or have been married to one? Are you still with him? Why. I am curious.
Yes I have, twice, and no, I'm no longer with them....one was physically abusive, the other was even worse...verbal abuse and controlling..very sick man. Very cunning and manipulative.
Whether we want to believe it or not, some people like to be dumped on. She won't leave because she likes to be abused. There is no excuse (especially nowadays) why someone would want to stay in a situation like that, job or no job, kids or no kids.
These are excuses. The fact is she likes it.
No, your wrong, she doesn't like it...it's all she's known....all her life. So, don't be so hard on her...it is more then just an explaination...like you've placed above...don't judge her until you've walked in her shoes since the day she was born. If you haven't known a thing, you can't give it or expect it.
And, you can't give what you've never known...granted, it probably is a co-dependency of sorts on her part, but she doesn't like being abused and she fears something worse, living by herself.
Believe me, there are woman, very intelligent women who are victims of abuse...
Do you remember what she said in the movie "Pretty Woman"..after awhile, if someone tells you, your no good long enough, you start to believe that is all you deserve, and you can't do any better." That is very true. So don't be so quick to judge, even if you were abused and you got out...we're all different....human beings....
that is why it is crucial to seek out professional help to understand the why's of who you are...which then and only then, can you know what your needs are and set up a personal conviction of moral standards which should be your shopping list when you go looing for another relationship. It takes years of work and wanton of change to undo the damage done.
Your friend doesn't work because she doesn't have to. She is married to a lawyer, he pays the bills. She is willing to put up with that treatment in exchange for staying home. If she left her husband, she'd be giving up a lot of comforts to which she's become accustomed. On other words, life is good...if only he'd stop putting me down. When she finds she's had enough abuse, she will choose to leave. Everyone has a different tolerance level for abuse. There is no timetable. Right now your friend finds it easier to stay.
No women should stay in a abusive relationship, period. But sometimes this is all they know, they have been beat down so much with verbal abuse and threatened/punched and their self-esteem is next to nothing. I know of several women that have left husbands and gone to shelters with their kids only to return in a week or two, on the promise of Honey I won't do it again, I love you so much.......yes, it gets old after a time of trying to be supportive only to have the person return to a bad situation. You can tell them to leave but if they don't want to well, you hope and pray that they don't end up in the morgue.
No, your wrong, she doesn't like it...it's all she's known....all her life. So, don't be so hard on her...it is more then just an explaination...like you've placed above...don't judge her until you've walked in her shoes since the day she was born. If you haven't known a thing, you can't give it or expect it.
And, you can't give what you've never known...granted, it probably is a co-dependency of sorts on her part, but she doesn't like being abused and she fears something worse, living by herself.
Believe me, there are woman, very intelligent women who are victims of abuse...
Do you remember what she said in the movie "Pretty Woman"..after awhile, if someone tells you, your no good long enough, you start to believe that is all you deserve, and you can't do any better." That is very true. So don't be so quick to judge, even if you were abused and you got out...we're all different....human beings....
that is why it is crucial to seek out professional help to understand the why's of who you are...which then and only then, can you know what your needs are and set up a personal conviction of moral standards which should be your shopping list when you go looing for another relationship. It takes years of work and wanton of change to undo the damage done.
Creme
I was not judging her; far from it. Sorry if that's the way it sounds. That may be all she knows is abuse but people don't have to put up with that.
I have an acquaintance that works with my S/O.
She is in an abusive relationship. (so she says) I finally asked her one day if she enjoys it because that's about all she can talk about but she does nothing about it. She chooses to stay with him. I think she likes the drama.
My self esteem has not always been the greatest but once someone starts dumping on me, I recognize it and nip it in the bud. The poster's friend would do this too if she wanted to. She chooses not to.
Last edited by songinthewind7; 10-03-2007 at 08:17 PM..
Reason: added the posters friend, not poster
I was not judging her; far from it. Sorry if that's the way it sounds. That may be all she knows is abuse but people don't have to put up with that.
I have an acquaintance that works with my S/O.
She is in an abusive relationship. (so she says) I finally asked her one day if she enjoys it because that's about all she can talk about but she does nothing about it. She chooses to stay with him. I think she likes the drama.
My self esteem has not always been the greatest but once someone starts dumping on me, I recognize it and nip it in the bud. The poster's friend would do this too if she wanted to. She chooses not to.
Well, I wish to respond from another direction here, about this situation. I am a man, and I have never had any respect for any man who abuses women. I would leave a woman, and live by myself before I would hit her, or spend my time screaming and yelling at her. But, I can say from personal experience, this whole abuse thing does take some women a long time to recover from. Then, even after she does escape from it, and has had some counseling, and considerable time has elasped, my own experience has been that the next man she chooses had better be a man who is willing to spend a considerable amount of time, not only trying to help her escape her emotional problems this detestable treatment has caused her, but is willing to study a lot of information concerning this. I honestly believe that when a woman has been thru years of abuse from a turd of a man, what happens is this: When she finally does get involved with a decent man, if that man isn't willing to try and educate himself about what she has been thru, then the relationship is doomed before it starts really. This is because us men who don't treat women badly probably underestimate the number of men who do. And, like many other people, we for certain do not understand why the woman ever puts up with that junk in the first place. I have been with a woman for about four years now who went thru a long and abusive marriage. Things are much better now than they were in the beginning, but I do want to point out to women who have been thru this, that its hard on the new man you meet also, that is dealing with the aftermath of what you went thru. It was hard on me, and if I hadn't of tried to educate myself on this mess, I doubt we would still be together. It doesn't help womens causes on domestic violence any when states have to pass laws that prevent women from being able to drop charges on men who beat them up. And, this is so common; a woman will get beaten up, someone calls the police and they come down and arrest her husband/boyfriend and haul him in. Then, within a day or two, the woman will take pity on him and go down and drop charges on the man. Therefore, the man never goes in front of a judge, and is never punished for his crime of beating her up. In my opinion, after a time, the police come to look upon the woman herself with scorn and contempt, because regardless of her reasons for not wanting the man punished, this whole episode wastes a lot of time and money. I don't claim to know a lot about all this, but I do know more than I did. My advice to any woman being abused is to get away from the man by any means available to you. And, don't stick up for your abusive man by telling others all these reasons why he did what he did. What I mean is this making excuses for his behaviour, you know like, he was drunk, he has some emotional problems etc. Accept that his real problem is that he is just a mean person, and that you deserve better than that. If you defend this man to others, you will receive more scorn than sympathy. I hope people can understand what I'm trying to say in my post here. My best wishes to any woman in an abusive situation.
Hello everyone, I would have tried to get this older thread re-vived sooner, but my computer has been in the repair shop. This isn't my thread, but it is a subject that is interesting to me, because of my own life situation. As I say, I sure hope to hear more about it. Take care all.
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My thoughts on this.....
