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Hi, I'm looking for a bit of a handhold I think more than advice.
My husband has been working with a woman for a few months now quite closely, and I knew he had a bit of a crush on her- she's younger, goes out a lot etc. I didn't think anything of it at first but they ended up out together alone a few weeks ago. He tried to make me think it wasn't a big deal but I knew so when he was sleeping I looked at his phone and found out they had kissed.
I could deal with a drunk kiss, but he had said to his friend about how amazing he felt and how he was only with me for the kids- that broke my heart.
We both ended up really upset and he told me it was just drunk men talk and of course it wasn't true but the next night he told me he wasn't sure about us and how things were. I ended up a mess and we spoke for hours- the next day he was crying and told me he'd been stupid and wanted to work on things with us and that it wasn't anything with the girl- I've never seen him like that and he seemed genuine.
Since then though I'm certain he's still messaging her but he's being cagy with his phone and deleting messages so I have no way to be sure. I feel so worthless right now, she's younger, prettier, slimmer- she has no children or responsibilities- I can't compare to that.
I don't know where to go, I don't want to end the marriage but I'm struggling with how I'm feeling and I'm scared he'll choose to end it anyway.
My heart breaks for you. I hope that woman gets what is coming to her- and your husband too! I also hope you have a good support system - you need it. Go take some time to yourself. I won't tell you what to do but I will say be strong and courageous and make him toe the line for any decision you make be it stay together or division of marital property.
And go drink tequila with your girlfriends. In a cabin.
You need to get strong. Collect evidence then confront him with an ultimatum. He ceases all contact with her, changes jobs, and only then will you decide whether you want to work on the relationship. He owes you total transparency now. Don't be a doormat.
If he tries to gaslight you, expose the affair to everyone, including his family, her family, and his work. #1 priority is to end the affair and allow him to sober up before making decisions. People in active affairs are like falling-down drunks... you can't do anything until they get out of the situation and clear their heads with harsh reality.
You need to get strong. Collect evidence then confront him with an ultimatum. He ceases all contact with her, changes jobs, and only then will you decide whether you want to work on the relationship. He owes you total transparency now. Don't be a doormat.
If he tries to gaslight you, expose the affair to everyone, including his family, her family, and his work. #1 priority is to end the affair and allow him to sober up before making decisions. People in active affairs are like falling-down drunks... you can't do anything until they get out of the situation and clear their heads with harsh reality.
Now, think about what you want. Your husband is likely still dealing with conflicting feelings and may waffle for a while, and you don't need to go on that roller coaster ride with him when you have your own feelings to work through.
A counselor could be a good sounding board and help you navigate this rough patch in your life.
Many marriages survive various degrees of infidelity. Be kind to yourself while you run through all of the emotions. Remember that what happens next is not just up to him. If you want to set boundaries, new habits, etc. to work on building trust and strengthening your relationship, think about how you would like that to look. Young, pretty, and fancy-free is one thing. But life partner, father of his children, and dedicated mom/wife packs quite a punch, too.
I'm sorry for you. Some hard truth for you... This relationship you think you have is already over and probably has been for awhile. Someone who says they are sorry for betraying you doesn't guard their phone and act secretive. Be strong and quietly plan an exit strategy, it's likely he is doing the same and not telling you. It's not the other woman who is to blame because if not her, it will be with someone else. Again, I'm sorry you are going through this but you deserve to be with someone who values you.
How old are your children? Explain to your husband what child support will cost him, and ask if his potential girlfriend is going to be happy with a portion of his income going to support and does she want to spend time with them on his weekends? She may not be keen on the reality of it. And tell him you want him to go to counseling with you. You still may be headed towards divorce. Tell him you want to talk to the woman and discuss where she sees herself regarding the kids.
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