Poll on spousal abuse and when should she leave: (wife, married, women)

[dreamofmonterey]

Okay this could also be reversed (man being abused by wife) to be fair!.

This is a case I know of - a gf who has been married 4 years to someone 17 yrs her senior. - He calls her names, has tried to choke her (wasnt arrested as he is a NY attorney). He tells her she is useless and uses her physically. Her family and friends, even her mother have told her to leave- she acts like she will, but never does.

Basically the dilemma I have is I feel bad but am sick of hearing her lies and excuses. When it comes down to it she has no job (will get a job then quit a week later) and will never leave this man. She also loses friends because she complains (in my case long-distance) ...

Anyway I am interested to hear everyones thoughts- we have some great posters here on this forum with alot of experience.

Please note: this isnt me - so dont worry girls!!

sunny

[SmerkyGrl]

You should leave at the first sign of physical abuse. As for not keeping a job---it seems like a lack of self esteem---which is probably what got her in this mess in the first place.

[DocGSD]

It sounds to me like she dosent want to leave. Either she is scared that he will hurt her if she does leave or maybe she thinks she can do no better???? Thats a bad situation, I hope it works out.
There are protective housing all over the country. In larger cities, a woman and her children can go here to stay away from abuse. No men, and I mean NO men at all are allowed inside for any reason. There are councilers there to talk to them and on site work I believe. You should give her some info on it. Maybe she will jump on it.

Gsd

[Miami Vice]

I think that some women begin to believe what these abusive spouses say to them. Some of these abused women come from abusive families. Some have very low self-esteem. From my experience, it only gets worse. I wonder if she quits because her spouse threatens her or perhaps he gives her black and blues and she's embarrased that someone will see the marks. Ultimately, it's her choice to stay with him or not. Sometimes one interferes and goes out of their way to help and in the end, their friend gets back together. I think that you should have a long sit down talk with her and provide your support, but also advise her that it's her choice.

[Twinkle Toes]

You can't really help someone who refuses to help themselves. It's common knowledge that there are places to go for help if one is the victim of domestic abuse. She may be scared to leave or she may be afraid because she has no money, but the alternative - to just hang around and get beat up - is worse! I only hope this person doesn't have any children because she is not doing them any favors by staying in an abusive relationship and placing them in a dangerous situation as well.

[crashcop]

Stats show that the physical abuse will escalate over time until there is serious injury. Just because he is a lawyer will not keep him from being arrested for domestic violence. Also, the shelters mentioned in the above posts will help her obtain an ex pate/full order of protection. Your friend probably lacks self confidence and esteem. Help her with both and talk to her about options, including moving out of state if feasible to put distance between the abuser and her.

Good luck,....

[Miami Vice]

21 feet with a taser! LOL.

[gnubler]

When/if it gets bad enough, she will leave. Sometimes it takes an intensely violent episode for the lightbulb to go on and realize you do have the strength and ability to just leave. I did.

[Global Friend]

Originally Posted by SmerkyGrl

You should leave at the first sign of physical abuse. As for not keeping a job---it seems like a lack of self esteem---which is probably what got her in this mess in the first place.

I agree with this.....she is getting something she needs or think she needs from this relationship. People in abused relationships stay for many different reasons, they are scared, self esteem issues, afraid to be alone or they are being manipulated. I don't think anyone likes to be abused but sometimes it's easier to stay then to leave. I was in only one abusive relationship and now looking back I see how I was manipulated, it broke me down, made me tired, questioned my own sanity...never thought it could happen to me but it did. If they just met, maybe it would be easier to just leave but it's been a few years and who knows how her mind is thinking? I know what helped me; deep down I knew he was the wrong person to be with, I finially had to look at it as my life's too short and knowing there is a guy out there that would respect me and treat me right. I had to do it myself, my friends negative comments about him really didn't help me get out. The only thing that was said that helped was from my mother....she said, every moment I'm upset, crying and wasting my time with him, I could be out having fun and meeting the right person. For some reason that really made sense to me and it's simple but so true.

Your friend needs to see that her life is worth something and every moment counts, she matters and if she stays she is watching her life pass her by. Getting her to realize that might be just as simple as telling her that. Good luck and I hope she gets out of her prison.

[7th generation]

I pray the girl gets counseling and leaves. A good resource for abused women is WomensLaw.org