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Old 03-22-2010, 02:56 PM
 
Location: Hot Springs, AR
5,612 posts, read 15,053,829 times
Reputation: 3787

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The guy from the casino called last night. And I decided to take a different approach to the whole "small talk chat/setting up the first date" conversation. I thought it would be interesting to have a red flag conversation instead. I asked him to tell me everything that I normally might not find out until we've been dating for a while and tell me everything he thought would raise a red flag and I would do the same.

He gave me the laundry list (which I will not share because I know my fellow posters well enough to know that no one will think I should see this guy). I have decided because he was honest enough to share that I would give him an opportunity to show me that the red flags are in his past. I will be keeping an eye out and be cautious dating him. But I do very firmly believe that everyone is entitled to make mistakes/bad decisions and if they correct those things they shouldn't be scarred for life and labelled un-datable, so I will now my money where my mouth is.

I'll keep you posted.
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Old 03-22-2010, 02:59 PM
 
26,142 posts, read 31,053,083 times
Reputation: 27229
Great approach! He sounds like he's confident, comfortable in his own skin and can laugh at himself if he told you all those things. I'd say those a some good qualities.
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Old 03-22-2010, 03:08 PM
 
3,284 posts, read 3,504,435 times
Reputation: 1832
Everyone's got red flags. Some people are just too self-absorbed to acknowledge them, let alone tell you about them.

I'd recommend you find what this fellas all about. Although you do have to watch out for the type who discloses his skeletons too feely, because they tend to be able to justify their actions much more often.
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Old 03-22-2010, 03:18 PM
 
Location: Back in the gym...Yo Adrian!
10,143 posts, read 20,670,978 times
Reputation: 19808
I think this kind of takes the spontaneity out of the getting to know you phase. I can speculate as to what might be a red flag about myself (I'm a procrastinator) but for all I know, something like that may not be an issue to the person I'm potentially dating, so why bring it up? I would rather get to know someone for myself so that way I can determine if this is something I can live with or not. Also, if there is something that you REALLY need to know but he's trying to hide it, he's not going to tell you anyway. So the goods that he gives up on himself is going to be stuff that wouldn't send you running for the hills. He's not going to tell you that he has a need for detachment and once he has sex with you he'll lose all interest, but he will tell you that he forgets to put the toilet seat down after using it since that's something you can work with.
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Old 03-22-2010, 03:21 PM
 
Location: The #1 sunshine state, Arizona.
12,169 posts, read 17,566,379 times
Reputation: 64102
Lets hope he's not an axe murderer, who told you he threw away his axe. I wouldn't hang around for those red flags.
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Old 03-22-2010, 04:14 PM
 
Location: Hot Springs, AR
5,612 posts, read 15,053,829 times
Reputation: 3787
LOL He's not an axe murderer. But he does have a lot of issues and if I had "discovered" them probably would have been dealbreakers mostly because I'd be wondering what the heck else is going on? And dear God he cannot possibly have anything else. There will be a couple of hurdles to overcome but because he was honest enough to share, he'll get a chance.
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Old 03-22-2010, 04:20 PM
 
Location: in the good ol' South
865 posts, read 2,421,177 times
Reputation: 879
Interesting approach. You'll have to keep us posted as to how it goes, and if this tactic seems to work well or not!
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Old 03-22-2010, 06:45 PM
 
Location: CasaMo
15,972 posts, read 9,318,777 times
Reputation: 18546
Quote:
Originally Posted by CESpeed View Post
He gave me the laundry list (which I will not share because I know my fellow posters well enough to know that no one will think I should see this guy). I have decided because he was honest enough to share that I would give him an opportunity to show me that the red flags are in his past. I will be keeping an eye out and be cautious dating him. But I do very firmly believe that everyone is entitled to make mistakes/bad decisions and if they correct those things they shouldn't be scarred for life and labelled un-datable, so I will now my money where my mouth is.
This is perhaps one of the best quotes I've seen on this forum in a long time.

Nobody is perfect. Whether or not we learn from mistakes of just keep repeating them makes all the difference.

I consider "Red Flags" to be of serious nature i.e. criminal record, addictions, abusive history, not holding a job, etc. I'm sure CESpeed would agree that they would be considered deal breakers.

Other issues are just imperfections like not being a good housekeeper or keeping the toilet seat up.

Good not to put it all in one category....
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Old 03-22-2010, 06:51 PM
 
1,237 posts, read 3,434,175 times
Reputation: 1094
I'm with you CES....I like knowing what the red flags are fairly early. Maybe not pre-first date, but the longer it takes for them to come out some way or another the more it makes me wonder if they were being hidden for a reason.
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Old 03-22-2010, 06:58 PM
 
Location: Hot Springs, AR
5,612 posts, read 15,053,829 times
Reputation: 3787
This is the first time I've had the red flag conversation, particularly pre-first date. I usually discover things as we go along but I don't like surprises and I've discovered this approach and take too much time and energy. This way, I know what I'm getting into and what to look out for. Also, this way he can't say "I never gave him a chance".
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