Working on emotional issues prior to dating again - advice? (boyfriend, how to)
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Like the poster who started the thread about being "jealous and controlling," I am the same way, I'm so tired of it. Even though I know my negative patterns, when I'm in the "downward spiral" and my emotions start to overwhelm me, it's hard to pull myself out of it.
I'm 30, female, and have only had 2 really signification relationships so far. Each time, the "bad stuff" (jealousy, questioning, feeling like every other woman is a competitor and that I'm not good enough) has appeared later in the relationship, and this last time, it didn't become a problem until 1.5 years after I'd known the person.
The problem is, this is the best man I've met (thus far), and I really don't want to lose him as a friend. I say "friend" because we dated back in 2008, but he's lived overseas for the last year and a half. We have remained in steady contact (2700 emails) and it's been obvious that we both have feelings, but that practical circumstances prevent anything else from happening right now.
That said, in January, I started questioning all sort of things. I mean, this guy is not even my boyfriend, and yet I started assuming that he had all these crushes on women on Facebook and at his workplace. I started to not hear from him as often (we were accustomed to 2-3 emails a week), and wondered why. Again, I assumed it was because he'd "replaced" me...ugh, it even sounds petty to spell it out.
It turns out he had some serious family issues to deal with, so as soon as I found out, I backed off. But some of those same insecurities are still there, and I recognize they're MY problems, not his.
I went to a meeting for Codependents on Sunday, because I've realized that's what I am. After a while, I start to rely too much on the other person and get very controlling. I don't like that side of myself. I'm hoping to the group (and individual counseling, which I also want to start) will help me stop this before it ruins this friendship.
The problem is, my brain cycles through every single possibility, and I go searching for evidence and jumping to conclusions. My latest "plot" is based on this dentist chick's comment on this guy's band fan page on Facebook, which was an innocent enough comment with a smiley face, and then I noticed the girl changed her profile pic to a very revealing and pretty picture. THAT was enough to fuel the fire. Instantly (in my head), the reason I hadn't heard from him that much in the past month was because he'd been chatting with this dentist, and he's been afraid to tell me because he knew I'd be crushed.
It's ridiculous. That's barely any information to go off of.
Since I'm technically single, I COULD start dating again in the near future, and friends have urged me to "get back out there." But I feel like I need to fix these issues first, before I get involved with anyone else. How long should I wait? You can't very well go on a first date from Match.com and talk about your codependecy issues.
Maybe you just don't like flirts...There is codependency and then there is standards of behavior and types of people you find unacceptable. Don't mix them up. He probably was using you for an ego stroke and found some fresh meat. I think that is natural to feel jealous if you thought you had something special. Sometimes jealous feelings stem from a coping dysfunction . Its easier to be pissed off than pissed on.
I don't mean to sound rude, but don't you have any hobbies? Do you really have that much time to invest in snoopying around and making assumptions of facebook? Can't you quilt something, take a picture, hike a mountain? Join a book club? Go mountain biking?
You need to be secure with who you are inside, and you are NOT. You have to like yourself and see the value in what you have to offer someone else.
It might be best if you postpone romantic interests until you get some therapy.
Wow, I'm sorry, I appreciate the response, but that's not it. We had (and still have) a genuine emotional connection and he is not the type to use people. I just saw him last week, because I went to visit. He was as sweet as could be, without crossing lines - and I can tell from the way that he looks at me, that there are still feelings there.
He's deeply conservative and without going into details, "it's complicated." He is the most compassionate, communicative man I know, and we have always been there for each other in the past year.
He's going through a lot right now, which is especially why I need to respect his boundaries and not get insecure. But actually, this pattern is not just an issue with him - it's been with every one of my relationships. Ultimately, I think I'm not really capable of being loved, and so I doubt everyone I'm with.
Like the poster who started the thread about being "jealous and controlling," I am the same way, I'm so tired of it. Even though I know my negative patterns, when I'm in the "downward spiral" and my emotions start to overwhelm me, it's hard to pull myself out of it.
I'm 30, female, and have only had 2 really signification relationships so far. Each time, the "bad stuff" (jealousy, questioning, feeling like every other woman is a competitor and that I'm not good enough) has appeared later in the relationship, and this last time, it didn't become a problem until 1.5 years after I'd known the person.
The problem is, this is the best man I've met (thus far), and I really don't want to lose him as a friend. I say "friend" because we dated back in 2008, but he's lived overseas for the last year and a half. We have remained in steady contact (2700 emails) and it's been obvious that we both have feelings, but that practical circumstances prevent anything else from happening right now.
That said, in January, I started questioning all sort of things. I mean, this guy is not even my boyfriend, and yet I started assuming that he had all these crushes on women on Facebook and at his workplace. I started to not hear from him as often (we were accustomed to 2-3 emails a week), and wondered why. Again, I assumed it was because he'd "replaced" me...ugh, it even sounds petty to spell it out.
It turns out he had some serious family issues to deal with, so as soon as I found out, I backed off. But some of those same insecurities are still there, and I recognize they're MY problems, not his.
I went to a meeting for Codependents on Sunday, because I've realized that's what I am. After a while, I start to rely too much on the other person and get very controlling. I don't like that side of myself. I'm hoping to the group (and individual counseling, which I also want to start) will help me stop this before it ruins this friendship.
The problem is, my brain cycles through every single possibility, and I go searching for evidence and jumping to conclusions. My latest "plot" is based on this dentist chick's comment on this guy's band fan page on Facebook, which was an innocent enough comment with a smiley face, and then I noticed the girl changed her profile pic to a very revealing and pretty picture. THAT was enough to fuel the fire. Instantly (in my head), the reason I hadn't heard from him that much in the past month was because he'd been chatting with this dentist, and he's been afraid to tell me because he knew I'd be crushed.
It's ridiculous. That's barely any information to go off of.
Since I'm technically single, I COULD start dating again in the near future, and friends have urged me to "get back out there." But I feel like I need to fix these issues first, before I get involved with anyone else. How long should I wait? You can't very well go on a first date from Match.com and talk about your codependecy issues.
Is anyone else going through anything like this?
IMO, you are not controlling and it is his problem not yours. If you feel this way there must be a reason and you should always trust your gut instincts. You should move on in my opinion. If you feel that deep down gut instinct that never goes away that something is just not right, follow it and walk away! My 2 cents!
Last edited by 2RUGGED4YOU; 04-06-2010 at 03:27 PM..
What? This is so funny. I never said he commented on this woman or did anything wrong - my massive assumptions are based on one tiny little thing. He's not even in a position to be banging anyone right now, so trust me, that's not it. My gut instincts have been wrong before, because I'm so insecure that I suspect EVERYONE. That's irrational.
When you constantly ask someone why you haven't heard from them, and they patiently and lovingly reassure that they haven't forgotten about you, but that they're working 3 jobs and are busy, I feel that's controlling. When you jump to conclusions because you basically feel that every female on the planet is better than you, when there's a person right in front of you who thinks the world of you, that is crazy.
I am getting help. I'm waiting until after I pay my taxes to start therapy, but I already talked to a counselor yesterday who specializes in CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), which can potentially help me detach from these obsessive thoughts when they start to overwhelm me.
In answer to the post about not having hobbies, I do, but admittedly, I have more free time than most people. I don't work a typical 9-5 job and usually only have to go in from 9-12. I'm in a few hiking and socializing Meetups, but I should probably cultivate some more outside interests. All I did in 2009 was work, and email. (It was the same for both of us, like I said, there are 2700 emails between the two of us).
What? This is so funny. I never said he commented on this woman or did anything wrong - my massive assumptions are based on one tiny little thing. He's not even in a position to be banging anyone right now, so trust me, that's not it. My gut instincts have been wrong before, because I'm so insecure that I suspect EVERYONE. That's irrational.
When you constantly ask someone why you haven't heard from them, and they patiently and lovingly reassure that they haven't forgotten about you, but that they're working 3 jobs and are busy, I feel that's controlling. When you jump to conclusions because you basically feel that every female on the planet is better than you, when there's a person right in front of you who thinks the world of you, that is crazy.
I am getting help. I'm waiting until after I pay my taxes to start therapy, but I already talked to a counselor yesterday who specializes in CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), which can potentially help me detach from these obsessive thoughts when they start to overwhelm me.
In answer to the post about not having hobbies, I do, but admittedly, I have more free time than most people. I don't work a typical 9-5 job and usually only have to go in from 9-12. I'm in a few hiking and socializing Meetups, but I should probably cultivate some more outside interests. All I did in 2009 was work, and email. (It was the same for both of us, like I said, there are 2700 emails between the two of us).
That is funny you say that because mine have never been wrong! Be careful dear! Rugged
Oh, trust me, MANY of mine have been right, but in relationships with people who had red flags, that I should have seen early on. I'm an incredible researcher and have an eye for picking up on details (and asking questions), so trust me, I know how to find things. And usually, the quest is initiated by a certain gut feeling.
This "gut feeling" however, is different. It's an ego-driven void in which I start lashing out at everyone and everything, basically begging to be loved, and self-sabotaging everything. I never felt this way with this man until January, and like I said, I questioned him time and time about this girl and that girl, and it turns out he was going through some family stuff (verifiable info because I was there last week and all of it is true).
I don't know what else to say. In the past, I've dealt with players and *******s and had a boatload of evidence to go off of. This is different. I basically feel like I'm accusing a completely innocent person and that my behavior will eventually push him away. There's a limit to everyone's patience, and although he has tried to show me time and time again how deserving of love I am, I can't seem to get it through my head.
Oh, trust me, MANY of mine have been right, but in relationships with people who had red flags, that I should have seen early on. I'm an incredible researcher and have an eye for picking up on details (and asking questions), so trust me, I know how to find things. And usually, the quest is initiated by a certain gut feeling.
This "gut feeling" however, is different. It's an ego-driven void in which I start lashing out at everyone and everything, basically begging to be loved, and self-sabotaging everything. I never felt this way with this man until January, and like I said, I questioned him time and time about this girl and that girl, and it turns out he was going through some family stuff (verifiable info because I was there last week and all of it is true).
I don't know what else to say. In the past, I've dealt with players and *******s and had a boatload of evidence to go off of. This is different. I basically feel like I'm accusing a completely innocent person and that my behavior will eventually push him away. There's a limit to everyone's patience, and although he has tried to show me time and time again how deserving of love I am, I can't seem to get it through my head.
I don't know about this other guy but any woman can dig all she wants on me. In fact, oddly I think I would even encourage it. If you have nothing to hide why would you worry about what she is doing. To me after I prove I can be trusted she will think the same! Dig all you want ladies you won't find s***!!LOL...........
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Wow, no I'm sorry.
