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If you go through life with a feeling of entitlement, you are in for a hard dose of reality when you reach middle age and you're all alone without a backup plan.
This was my reaction as well. A lot of people go through life feeling entitled. They look at relationships solely in terms of what's in it for them. The person they're looking for is more of a trophy than anything else. Frankly, I think a lot of people (men and women) have standards are more based on what others will think of them and how they compare to others than on what they really want. A single girl might see all her friends' husbands and think "I deserve just as good if not better than what they got." People who approach relationships with that mindset need to grow up first.
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Originally Posted by JustJulia
I hope this doesn't offend you, but you sound like her girlfriend. I didn't think that was something that straight men liked to be.
Why? Because he listens to her? I have female friends that I let talk to me about their problems. As long as they don't abuse my ear and it's a two-way street, it doesn't bother me. That's just being a good friend.
This was my reaction as well. A lot of people go through life feeling entitled. They look at relationships solely in terms of what's in it for them. The person they're looking for is more of a trophy than anything else. Frankly, I think a lot of people (men and women) have standards are more based on what others will think of them and how they compare to others than on what they really want. A single girl might see all her friends' husbands and think "I deserve just as good if not better than what they got." People who approach relationships with that mindset need to grow up first.
Tanya took it quite poorly, with the use of profanity and loud tones, when I first conveyed this message to her. But when she repeated her miserable complaints and I pointed out a pattern, she began to listen. It destroyed her pride when she realized a lot of her plight was self-made.
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Originally Posted by DennyCrane
Why? Because he listens to her? I have female friends that I let talk to me about their problems. As long as they don't abuse my ear and it's a two-way street, it doesn't bother me. That's just being a good friend.
Another area where she has been selfish. I told her once that when she's got issues, I listen; when I want to vent, she's not empathetic. It shocked her that she was this... selfish. And she apologized.
There's an excellent little film that reminds me of 'unrealistic expectations'--called Crossing Delancey.. Here is a link to the film: Crossing Delancey (1988)
The female lead is a sophisticated New Yorker one or two generations from immigrant status. She has a college degree and believes she is better than the men she winds up dating.
She won't look twice at 'regular guys' like Sam the Pickle man that Grandma and the Matchmaker (!) try to hook her up with. She prefers to be 'used' by her male friend or a famous 'cool' author for sex.
She has unrealistic expectations.
She is also 30 something and sort of shallow herself...
Tanya was set up with a man by a woman who knew both her family and the man's. Well, Tanya went to meet him, and saw a balding, chubby, unattractive man and said, "oh no not him please." And it was him.
They ate together, and he wanted to take her elsewhere, but she declined, and she went home.
Now, what happened was that during the meal, as they made small talk, Tanya blurted out that her younger sister had been divorced. "Mr. Yes, Him" told his family; his family passed this on to the person who knows both families, and this was then shared to Tanya's parents. Tanya's parents, her mother in particular, were incensed that Tanya had spoken about a sensitive family issue which her parents had hoped to keep under wraps.
Tanya's mother was so angry she went days without talking to Tanya, but before she went on that silent treatment, she said to Tanya, "you are immature, unpolished, and rude!"
Tanya was quite mad herself - at Mr. "Yes, Him" - because Mr. "Yes, Him" had opened his mouth and gotten Tanya in trouble. Tanya said, "Sprawling, don't you think it's his fault?"
I calmly said, "no."
She said, "What? What the hell do you mean?"
"I mean that whatever Mr. Yes, Him tells his family, and what his family then tells others, is their business and not yours. Yes, it's arguable they didn't act in courtesy or in wisdom by passing on the information regarding your sister's divorce to other people, but the moment you opened your own mouth, you set yourself up for this. You didn't ask him to keep this to himself, did you?"
"No."
"Well, then, how was he supposed to know that you or your family would've preferred this to be kept under wraps?"
"I think he did this out of spite! Just to **** me off!"
"Well, Tanya, you weren't nice to him, right?"
"No, I wasn't. I didn't even make eye contact."
"And yet I am certain Mr. Yes, Him was polite, right? He behaved properly enough, he wasn't rude or sleazy, and he tried to accommodate you during the meal, right? And he PAID for the meal, yes?"
"Yes."
"And, despite his efforts to be pleasant in this set-up, which I'm sure wasn't easy for him either, I bet you were cold and b/tchy, right? You didn't ask questions about him, you showed no interest whatsoever, and you were unfriendly and cold. In other words, you were as unpleasant as you could have possibly been because you found him unattractive."
"Pretty much, that's what happened."
"Then if you were so unfriendly and unpleasant whereas he tried so hard to be nice to you, while buying you lunch, what reason could he possibly have had not to have resented you or to have held you in spite? I don't necessarily agree with him opening his mouth, but if you weren't nice to him, why should he have tried to be considerate to you when you were never considerate to him in the first place?
"........."
"Face it, Tanya, you know that this imbroglio about your sister's divorce being made public is your fault. You don't want to face responsibility, and you're trying to shift blame onto Mr. Yes, Him. And yes, he could've kept his mouth shut. But YOU blurted it out, and you were also a b/tch to him. Why would any normal man not hold you in at least a little contempt if he were treated the way you treated him?"
Tanya had little else to say, and she was actually a bit mad I didn't take her side.
But this probably illustrates how petty and immature Tanya can be.
Tanya is a spoiled little narcissist. They don't change. She can listen to you and agree and admit, but she will not change. She doesn't really get it. Don't waste your breath.
I hope you are not comparing her with reasonable people here who simply don't want to settle.
I think you are secretly feeling rejected and resentful of the twenty somethings, so you are trying to put her down to make it sting less...
Like someone else said, it sounds like she has got it made in the shade...
The attraction to the twenty somethings is the attaention they pay to us, I am a single mom, and this one guy texts me all the time telling me how he is baby sitting his younger siblings and impress me with his potential parenting skills....they pursue us, so I think that is what is really erking ya....
If you want her, get in the game, instead of worrying that you arent a twenty something...
Tanya is a spoiled little narcissist. They don't change. She can listen to you and agree and admit, but she will not change. She doesn't really get it. Don't waste your breath.
I hope you are not comparing her with reasonable people here who simply don't want to settle.
Tamajane, I think that if Tanya does change, it'll happen very slowly. And I've already hit a breaking point - Tanya b/tches far less now because I said her b/tching has driven me up the wall and that I will not hesitate cutting off all ties if she doesn't quit b/tching.
As for comparing her to reasonable people here, I haven't read all the threads about not finding the right person. All I meant to do was to show that if we hold unreasonable expectations, often borne out of deep character flaws which we either fail to recognize or are too proud or stubborn to repair, we can only blame ourselves if life fails to turn out the way we hope for.
I think you are secretly feeling rejected and resentful of the twenty somethings, so you are trying to put her down to make it sting less...
Like someone else said, it sounds like she has got it made in the shade...
The attraction to the twenty somethings is the attaention they pay to us, I am a single mom, and this one guy texts me all the time telling me how he is baby sitting his younger siblings and impress me with his potential parenting skills....they pursue us, so I think that is what is really erking ya....
If you want her, get in the game, instead of worrying that you arent a twenty something...
1. Um, no.
2. If you call being nearly 40, underemployed, almost no savings, old maid living at home "made in the shade" - I don't know what to tell you.
3. What's "erking?" What's "attaention?"
4. This guy who texts you - what do you think he wants you for? A solid and serious commitment or just a hearty fling? You do realize that single moms do not fit the profile of women that most single, unattached, kid-free men aim for, don't you?
The funny thing, re: your friend Tanya is that she was really popular in high school. Now she's just another frustrated 40 something who can't find a man 'good enough.'
I knew plenty of girls/women who dated all through high school and beyond then when 'the late bloomers' were marrying, these 'party gals,' 'cool and hot high school cheerleader types' couldn't get anyone to marry them.
I lost a friend (a best friend) when I got married because though she was 'popular' she had no chance in he** of finding someone who wanted to do more with her than 'hang out' and 'hit it.' She also used any guy friend she could to get free meals, movies, whatever. She was really shocked I got engaged and married within a span of 6 months.
Sometimes karma is a bi*ch.
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