Out of Love With Husband - What To Do? (girlfriends, man, mistress)

[Ameribull]

He sounds like 9 out of 10 of the wives I know. But hes a man so its not ok I forgot. I do think that he needs to contribute more. He needs to either work more or be with the kids more. When the kids are in childcare cuz your golfing three times a week thats a problem. I would have an issue with that.

[Ameribull]

And ill add that Im not one of those people that think that divorce is only warranted in cases of abuse. Thats bull. If you truly do not love someone do them the favor of divorcing them. If I even overheard my wife tell her friend she didnt love me anymore Id divorce her so fast her head would spin.

[Jay100]

Originally Posted by larkmoni

I'm going to repost and edit part of a comment I left in another thread, since I would love to get any feedback that people have on my situation:

I've been married almost 10 years, have two girls, ages 5 and 7. I have always been the breadwinner of the family. We both have graduate degrees, and I thought we were like-minded in terms of what we wanted out of life. When we first married, I made $20K more than my husband. 10 years later, I now make $100K more than he does, despite the fact that his earning potential is equal to (if not greater than) mine. I mention the money only to give a sense of perspective about what we're talking about here.

The reason why he makes less money is actually what's more important than the money itself. He would rather stay in a job for which he is overqualified so he can "work from home" three days a week, which, in reality, allows him to play golf at least one workday every week. When he's not golfing, he's in the home office watching tv while "working". Mind you, he works for a large company, so when he's out golfing, it's not like he's self-employed and just can just block out time from his schedule - he's on the clock, supposedly working!!

The other night we were with friends and they started talking about Avatar. He was like, "Great movie!" I asked, "When did you see Avatar?" He said, "One day when I was working from home." WHAT?

I could go on and on. When our oldest daughter was born, he got laid off from his job. He was off work for a year. Our daughter went to *daycare* while he stayed at home and played video games (this was before he really got into golf) and "looked for a job". When I suggested that he get a job at Kinko's or Barnes & Noble, he laughed - like it was beneath him. What kind of MAN lets his wife go to work every day while he stays home lounging in his pajamas?

He golfs 2x per week on average, every week, which costs $$. He has taken a golf trip every year that costs thousands. I recently got a new job for which I get a company car. Prudently, I've decided to get rid of my car and just drive the company car. My husband decides to tell me that he wants to get rid of his car b/c it has 100,000 miles (a Lincoln Navigator - and nothing wrong w/it) and get a "used" 6 series BMW.

He has bought computers, HDTVs, wireless modems, endless golf clubs, all kinds of lawn and gardening crap (which never gets used), etc., etc.

We recently decided to do P90X (the exercise program) together. By Day 3, he had abandoned the idea of doing the workouts with me in the morning - and even when he did the workout in the afternoon, he didn't complete the entire workout. He is always starting and not finishing something whenever it gets tough.

Let me tell you about my husband's good side: he is a very loyal, faithful and truthful person. He is reliable and stable. He is a respectful and gentle husband. He is a caring and involved father to our daughters.

We have been to marriage counseling, read the Five Love Languages and done some other things, but nothing has worked.

My husband is not a bad person; I believe we are just incompatible. On my side, I am a product of divorce and the daughter of an I-can-do-it-all-myself-don't-need-no-man kind of mom. I am battling my own demons about not succumbing to my past. I would love to stay together for the sake of my children, if nothing else.

Also, I know that I have made the mistake of letting him get away with too much. Admittedly, I'm a terrible communicator and always avoid conflicts. I'm actually afraid of truly teling him how I feel because once I do, the relationship will be over.

Oh, did I mention that we haven't had sex in over a year?

Thanks for reading!

No sex? That is a dealbreaker far as marriage or anything "romantic." Otherwise, I would have advised you to stay with him because he is loyal and you do have kids. Sex, however, is just too important to me but might not be to others.

[moving2WC]

"he is a very loyal, faithful and truthful person. He is reliable and stable"... you are trying to convince yourself. I am sorry, but based on what you just wrote, he is none of those things. He is cheating on you. He is taking advantage of you. Simple little things.... why would he go and watch a movie and not tell you about it? Why would he take "golf" trips without you? why would he put your child on childcare when he was not working? why would he want a BMW? YOU haven't had sex in one year. My advice if you are ready to handle the truth: hire an investigator BEFORE you talk to him. Make sure he is not cheating on you before you talk to him. Whether he is cheating or not (i hope not) you have to talk to him the way you just wrote this post. If after talking to him, it still ends in divorce think about alimony. Since you are earning more, you will have to pay him alimony. However, if you have proof he has cheated on you, he will not get any of your hard earned money.

Even if he is not cheating, he is not giving you the support that you need and deserve, and he should know how you feel. I wish you the best.

[stan4]

I don't care if it's a man or a woman. ANYONE who acts like this would be on the outs in my book. Saying it's ok because he's a man or 'lots of women do what he does' is no excuse. Clearly this is unacceptable behavior as far as the wife is concerned.

And she should communicate with him, but I have had the experience where you say stuff over and over and over and over and no one takes you seriously until you leave.

[cdubs3201]

Originally Posted by teatime

Ummm, no. This guy isn't anywhere NEAR 100 percent productive ANYTIME. How would you feel if you worked in his department and had to be at the office day in and day out while this was going on?



She said in the OP that EVERY WEEK he takes one of those 2-3 days when he's supposed to be working at home to go play golf. He's cheating the company. Big time.

I'm surprised they haven't caught him at it. When I worked at marketing jobs and had to be out of the office some afternoons, it was rare that someone didn't call me from the office needing something. I can imagine what they'd have done if they regularly heard the distinctive sound of golf balls being hit in the background! He must be a pro at covering his tracks!

The common thread in all of this is he's selfish and does what he wants, without caring about his business colleagues', kids', or wife's needs or how his actions affect others. You're right -- he probably shouldn't be married but the OP says he wasn't like this before they tied the knot. Scary stuff, and a big reason why I'm not at all eager to walk down the aisle/sign on the line!

Ok, maybe he's taking it a bit far with golf for a whole day, but I know a lot of guys who've done worse.

I don't disagree that he is selfish, but even IF the OP says he wasn't like this before, there had to be signs. No one just becomes selfish. I feel like people are BORN selfish. I mean the dude has some responsibility issues, he's not a drug addict neglecter, but he's definitely an offender. The thing is, I can't get over how much lack of respect she has for him. That's not HIS problem, that's HER problem for two reasons: I still think she should've seen this coming and made a bad decision to marry him, and having that much lack of respect for ANYONE, let alone your own husband, sounds more like a major personal problem or personality flaw. I doubt her husband could go to counseling to help make his wife respect him more, especially since she has none.

[Liberated]

I just came out of a very similar situation. I just separated from my husband and he sounds just like yours -- and I totally lost my respect for him. We've been married over 20 years, I have three kids who are in their teens, early twenties. I waited over 7 years to leave the marriage and let me tell you, it's the best thing that I ever did. I'm so happy now and wish that I did it sooner.

It's called entitlement. My ex believed that he was entitled to the lifestyle that I brought in for him, he truly did. He did the bare minimum and as the years went by, it was so very easy for him to do less and less. It's became a downward spiral. Now, he has moved back in with his mother, his kids would have nothing to do with him (how can they? he was even too lazy to become part of their lives as they were growing up). The problem was that he always took the easy route, and at someone else's expense (mine) without realizing that it comes at a price. He was the quintessential beta-male and now, he's his mother's problem. Yes, I realize that I was part of the problem by allowing it to happen to me... but I've also took back control of my situation by leaving him.

Me? I'm totally ecstatic, I am less stressed and wake up happy every morning. My life is very full now and moreover, am in total control over my life. I'm dating an alpha-male who takes responsibility and accountability and yes, there are issues, but life is very good. I left half a year ago, I should have done it earlier. Life is too short not to be happy.

[miyu]

Don't listen to any of these fools trying to turn the tables on you. I am sure when you first married, he presented himself as a person with more potential and drive, but lost his ambition along the way. It happens often with men who are smart but lazy, and that kind of deception sickens me. I know the feeling of disappointment after disappointment. And you shouldn't blame yourself that you hold yourself to a higher standard. Your husband sounds underachieving, entitled, and most certainly doesn't deserve your respect. He has to EARN it. No sex for a year? Then you've already been mentally divorced. At the very least, he is cheating on you with online porn. And it doesn't sound like he cares. There is a reason why you fell out of love with him and you should listen to your gut instincts. Change is not something you should fear. You know the situation best - if you've truly tried everything possible to salvage the relationship, then what is left to do after 10 years of hoping and trying? I believe that you need to confront him face-on without fear of consequence. When you have exhausted your options, suggest the possibility of separation, and see what evolves.

Some people are just not meant to change. But even if he did, would you be able to fall back in love with him? That is something you have to decide, if it is worth a try. Maybe for the kids.

But don't worry about staying together for the children. You need to be a happy parent. If you are unhappy, the kids will suffer. They are very intuitive. But they will do just fine when they are in a happy household, regardless of whether the parents are biological or not. Good luck!

[cdubs3201]

What about the women who put out while dating and do all kinds of fun sexual things before marriage, and then once the honeymoon is over they won't have sex with their husbands anymore? They presented THEMSELVES as fun, sexy, horny women who enjoyed being passionate with their male counterparts, then they completely change after marriage. How is that fair? If the man were to "lose respect" for his wife for that, this country would be up in flames over it.

The male marriage jokes about no more bj's after marriage exist for a reason.

[KickAssArmyChick]

Wow...what to say?
Been in your shoes - kinda. I work and he doesn't have a job. Stays home, sleeps, watches tv while I work. I just can't be with someone who doesn't have that much drive anymore.
So we're going separate ways.