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Old 03-29-2010, 03:54 PM
 
26,142 posts, read 31,090,251 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Coolhand68 View Post
That's the spirit!

I don't agree with any pre-determined time lines on dating someone after they've divorced. To assume that someone else isn't ready yet is presumptuous and self defeating, unless they've demonstrated that they clearly aren't ready, why kill it before it has a chance to get off the ground? A lot of couples who divorced were ready for it long before the papers were signed and are ready to start dating before the ink dries. The actual divorce was just a formality.
There are no hard, fast rules and there are exceptions to everything, but when you see the exact same thing happen over and over and over and over it doesn't take much to put two and two together.

Yes, in some cases it's just a formality, but in this case, based on the OP's original presentation of things he's not ready if sh*t is hitting the fan and it's only been 3 months and this and that....it's a mess right now. Any person involved in it is a dish rag sopping up the mess.
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Old 03-29-2010, 03:55 PM
 
Location: Florida
4,892 posts, read 14,084,473 times
Reputation: 2329
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coolhand68 View Post
That's the spirit!

I don't agree with any pre-determined time lines on dating someone after they've divorced. To assume that someone else isn't ready yet is presumptuous and self defeating, unless they've demonstrated that they clearly aren't ready, why kill it before it has a chance to get off the ground? A lot of couples who divorced were ready for it long before the papers were signed and are ready to start dating before the ink dries. The actual divorce was just a formality.
I am totally in agreement with this because one just doesn't get divorced overnight...Maybe I missed divorce for dummies!!!

I follow my own time line in life.
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Old 03-29-2010, 03:56 PM
 
Location: NYC
7,364 posts, read 14,630,804 times
Reputation: 10379
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coolhand68 View Post
That's the spirit!

I don't agree with any pre-determined time lines on dating someone after they've divorced. To assume that someone else isn't ready yet is presumptuous and self defeating, unless they've demonstrated that they clearly aren't ready, why kill it before it has a chance to get off the ground? A lot of couples who divorced were ready for it long before the papers were signed and are ready to start dating before the ink dries. The actual divorce was just a formality.
Yes, this is exactly what all of us told ourselves when we gave a newly divorced person a chance. I have a lot of female friends my age who gave things a chance too, and every one turned out to be a rebound, and a painful one at that. I am sure there are exceptions out there, but I think the number is small enough that people need to be seriously leery.
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Old 03-29-2010, 04:01 PM
 
26,142 posts, read 31,090,251 times
Reputation: 27235
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ladywithafan View Post
I am totally in agreement with this because one just doesn't get divorced overnight...Maybe I missed divorce for dummies!!!

I follow my own time line in life.

Well, there ya go! Check back with us in three months and let us know how it's going.
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Old 03-29-2010, 04:16 PM
 
Location: NYC
7,364 posts, read 14,630,804 times
Reputation: 10379
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thursday007 View Post
There are no hard, fast rules and there are exceptions to everything, but when you see the exact same thing happen over and over and over and over it doesn't take much to put two and two together.

Yes, in some cases it's just a formality, but in this case, based on the OP's original presentation of things he's not ready if sh*t is hitting the fan and it's only been 3 months and this and that....it's a mess right now. Any person involved in it is a dish rag sopping up the mess.
Totally agree with you.

As I mentioned to someone in a private message earlier, at the end of the day most of us are the same as everyone else. Uniqueness is rare; our experiences are universal.

When I was a teenager I was angst-ridden, felt awkward, and according to me nobody out there could possibly understand what I was going through. Now that I am decades past that point, it is very obvious to me that damn near everybody felt the way I felt.

None of us want to think of ourselves or our situations as being typical, but 9 times out of ten, we are. At this point I've finally figured out that the smart thing to do is to bet on all things being average. The average person who just went through a divorce is going to go through a transitional phase, at it will be at the expense of the person they date. That's just the way it is, its the human condition.

Betting against the average is a fools game. (This is why marketers are so successful. They target the average in a given demographic, and for the most part it works.) Betting your relationship with a newly divorced person will work out is the equivalent of spending all of your savings on lottery tickets when you learn your job is about to lay off 80% of the people in your department. Yes, you could win the jackpot, or maybe you will be the lucky one still standing at the end... but the average person is going to be left empty-handed and dead broke.
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Old 03-30-2010, 05:59 AM
 
Location: Florida
4,892 posts, read 14,084,473 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thursday007 View Post
Well, there ya go! Check back with us in three months and let us know how it's going.
Will do.
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Old 03-30-2010, 10:53 AM
 
Location: In the real world!
2,178 posts, read 9,550,479 times
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I learned to avoid recently divored men real quick. To much drama.. anger at the ex, problems with the ex and some just have a problem letting go. I didn't want to be in the middle of somebody elses drama. I didn't date when I was recently divorced even though I had a friendly divorce with my ex.. I just felt like I needed the time to discover the new ME, who I was now and where I wanted to be in life now that I was on my own.
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Old 03-30-2010, 11:35 AM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,724 posts, read 21,138,607 times
Reputation: 14823
I was the first to date my late wife after her divorce, and she was the first to date me after mine. We dated a few times before her divorce was final, and as soon as it was final she moved in with me. We were happy beyond belief for the 3.5 years we were together before her untimely death. Neither of us had any real problems with our ex's. My ex bad-mouthed both her and me, but that had no real effect.

I was also the "rebound" for my current wife. It's been almost 11 years now, and I'm still waiting for the problems to start.

It's dangerous to assume you'll have problems in certain scenarios. Each person is unique and no two situations are exactly the same. Use your noggin and listen to advice, but don't jump to conclusions based on other people's experiences.
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Old 03-30-2010, 12:37 PM
 
Location: Florida
4,892 posts, read 14,084,473 times
Reputation: 2329
I'm almost beginning to think it's like: don't date someone after they've been in a relationship...well gee where does that leave most people?

I just got out of an almost two year relationship (with the 25 year old)...I took the last three months off for hibernation to regroup & it's all good.
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Old 03-30-2010, 03:57 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,724 posts, read 21,138,607 times
Reputation: 14823
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ladywithafan View Post
I'm almost beginning to think it's like: don't date someone after they've been in a relationship...well gee where does that leave most people? ...

Well, you don't want to date a widow/widower, because they've got too much baggage, and you should never date a person past 35 who's never been married, because they're too set in their ways, and anyone who dates a married person is worse than pond scum. Whole lot of people NOT to date, but not many left TO date. Sure glad I'm married!
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