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Old 03-30-2010, 01:28 PM
 
8,679 posts, read 15,220,173 times
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I think the crisis to avert is what will happen when you go back to work. If the renovations will be complete and you'll be working out of the house at some point in the next, say, six months, I wouldn't waste a lot of energy getting upset over all of this now.

Instead, I'd focus on preparing him for the changes that will take place. As in, I'd let him know that once I am working out of the house, he's going to have to take up 50% of the chores. If he balks or complains, you already have the ammo: "Hey, being the contractor for these renovations for the last few years was full-time work, but because I was here, physically in the house, I could do this stuff. I won't be in the house anymore, which means I won't be around to get it done. I'll be away just as much as you, and it's only fair that we split these tasks equitably."

I mean, there's really not much he could say to counter that without sounding selfish.
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Old 03-30-2010, 02:18 PM
 
2,654 posts, read 5,441,688 times
Reputation: 1946
Quote:
Originally Posted by Deja Vu Again View Post
My husband and I use to work full time until he lost his job, we had to move and then I had to quit my job. Since then, I have sacrificed getting a job and stayed home for the past year to renovate our entire home. I am the contractor.

My husband in the past couple of years has stopped doing EVERYTHING. What I mean by that, is he works and that's it. I do grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, cleaning, errands of any kind, doctors appts, cleaning the cat box, as well as cleaning up after him. You name it, I do it. If he makes a sandwich, I clean it up. Get the picture?

I plan on heading back to work when the renovations are done.

So, since I have never been in a traditional role type relationship, is this normal?
Talk to him about it.

What's "normal" is irrelevant. If the behavior causes an erosion in your relationship is all that matters. Did his Mom to the SAHM thing while Dad worked? If so this maybe the division of labor model he saw and assumes is "normal". But for you it isn't.

Just talk it thru in a non-confrontationl manner.
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Old 03-30-2010, 05:04 PM
 
20,559 posts, read 19,216,911 times
Reputation: 8154
Quote:
Originally Posted by Deja Vu Again View Post
My husband and I use to work full time until he lost his job, we hadDeja Vu Again to move and then I had to quit my job. Since then, I have sacrificed getting a job and stayed home for the past year to renovate our entire home. I am the contractor.

My husband in the past couple of years has stopped doing EVERYTHING. What I mean by that, is he works and that's it. I do grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, cleaning, errands of any kind, doctors appts, cleaning the cat box, as well as cleaning up after him. You name it, I do it. If he makes a sandwich, I clean it up. Get the picture?

I plan on heading back to work when the renovations are done.

So, since I have never been in a traditional role type relationship, is this normal?
Hi Deja Vu Again,

Not to be nit picky but :
If he makes a sandwich, I clean it up. Get the picture?
You didn't make the sandwich. So you are not doing everything. If he leaves a mess and you clean it up, it might mean it does not yet look like a mess to him. In other words, you may be doing things he does not even think about. How much is he telling you to do? Some people are housework-alcoholics. Your standards may conflict. Many men are not known for being fastidious.
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Old 03-30-2010, 05:11 PM
 
Location: The cupboard under the sink
3,993 posts, read 8,892,899 times
Reputation: 8105
This is one of the areas where my g/f and I had minor issues when she first moved in.

I'm by no means a dirty person, but we have different standards around the house.
I tend to let dishes build up, when she likes them done straight away, I don't see the need to wash down the shower every single time it's used, she does.

we've reached compromise on things, she's learned that I'll get round to it, but not immediately, and if she wants it done quicker, she's welcome to do it herself.

I've realised these things are important to her, so I try a little harder to work to her standards.

Quote:
Originally Posted by gwynedd1 View Post
You didn't make the sandwich. So you are not doing everything. If he leaves a mess and you clean it up, it might mean it does not yet look like a mess to him. In other words, you may be doing things he does not even think about. How much is he telling you to do? Some people are housework-alcoholics. Your standards may conflict. Many men are not known for being fastidious.
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Old 03-30-2010, 05:12 PM
 
Location: Massachusetts
10,029 posts, read 8,309,913 times
Reputation: 4211
Quote:
Originally Posted by Deja Vu Again View Post
My husband and I use to work full time until he lost his job, we had to move and then I had to quit my job. Since then, I have sacrificed getting a job and stayed home for the past year to renovate our entire home. I am the contractor.

My husband in the past couple of years has stopped doing EVERYTHING. What I mean by that, is he works and that's it. I do grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, cleaning, errands of any kind, doctors appts, cleaning the cat box, as well as cleaning up after him. You name it, I do it. If he makes a sandwich, I clean it up. Get the picture?

I plan on heading back to work when the renovations are done.

So, since I have never been in a traditional role type relationship, is this normal?

If he works 40 hours per week do you spend 40 hours per week cleaning and etc?
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Old 03-30-2010, 05:18 PM
 
437 posts, read 673,721 times
Reputation: 359
The house work vs outside work as it applies to gender, including the older days, is often mis-stated. Sure, the old fashion domestic wife would attend to much of the inside cleaning, child raising, and cooking but men would spend their weekend doing discipline, yard work, car repair, and repairing things around the house.

You never hear about the latter part though when many women complain that men don't do their "fair share." Many men both then and now do in fact do their fair share, it's just a different (and more dangerous) one.
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Old 03-30-2010, 07:37 PM
 
Location: San Leandro
4,576 posts, read 9,124,112 times
Reputation: 3248
My wife actually ran over my foot when we were jump starting the car. car turned on, and she threw it in reverse. My big toe still looks like a mini-light bulb as a result. And she thinks its funny, LoL. Jokes always on me.
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Old 03-31-2010, 02:21 AM
 
Location: Bradenton, Florida
27,232 posts, read 46,497,515 times
Reputation: 11081
Cleaning is almost always the responsibility of the one who is more obsessed about it. One's a "neat freak" and the other's a "slob". Gender doesn't matter.
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Old 03-31-2010, 02:25 AM
 
Location: southern california
61,290 posts, read 87,066,921 times
Reputation: 55549
our grandfathers worked hard but they did stuff around the house plenty. there was yard work and so forth to be done and repairs on the house.
it should be no different now. unfortunately we didnt like our granparents model so we replaced it with our own, we have failed.
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Old 03-31-2010, 04:44 AM
 
Location: Massachusetts
10,029 posts, read 8,309,913 times
Reputation: 4211
Quote:
Originally Posted by NorCal Dude View Post
My wife actually ran over my foot when we were jump starting the car. car turned on, and she threw it in reverse. My big toe still looks like a mini-light bulb as a result. And she thinks its funny, LoL. Jokes always on me.

That reminds me of the time when my battery died. I had to push the car out of the way with my wife behind the wheel to pull our other car around for a jump. As I'm breaking my back pushing up an incline I see the brake lights come on.


I'd have to say the last thing you want to do when someone is trying to push a car up an incline is step on the brake....
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