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It's difficult to simply switch thinking from something you're used to. Sometimes it simply HAS to be done but that doesn't make it automatically easy.
As for so many other things, I feel for you: It's hard to NOT ruminate these things over and over, trying to figure out what went wrong. And if it's any consolation, whether this ended over her cheating or ended because she was just a loon, eventually it would have ended.
When you find yourself thinking about what the other guy has over you, consider this:
He may have more money, but if you own a home and make a comfortable, good living then it's really just a question of amount. Beyond that, he HAS little or nothing you do not. Some of it may be a question of what he DOES that you do not, given the whole doormat thing to consider, but odds are he's just a guy who's saying what needs to be said in order to get laid by a woman who's a bit psycho and willing to jump through the hoops he sets for her. He'll keep her around as long as it's fun and when things get too serious, he'll dump her.
You mention her possible alcoholism, mentioned her drinking to the point of "blackouts" -- I'd put very, very little stock in it. Those kinds of women LOVE the alcohol crutch because those kinds of women HATE blame and accountability for their actions, all of which can be swept under the "doesn't count" rug if they can place the blame on the demon alcohol. "I didn't know what I was doing, that wasn't really ME doing those things! I couldn't control myself!"
Don't EVER buy into that garbage -- ever. You've been fooled once, so shame on her. Now I'm telling you the score where it's concerned, so if you encounter it and you get fooled again, shame on YOU.
It's absolute and unequivocable BULL! I'm not saying she didn't drink and have blackouts, or drink way more than was healthy -- but you said early in this thread she had a propensity for drinking and then seeking out male company, and doing so right in front of you, then belittling you for your "close-minded insecurity" when you didn't like it. She may have had blackouts, it's possible; but not that quickly and not all the time.
That is TWO things:
1. It's a good sign of overt promiscuity. Tell me, did she ever use the phrase "I'm a free spirit"? I ask that one almost solely for statistical purposes. It's a favorite among the distinctly non-monogamous ladies' crowd. 2. It's her pushing the self-inflicted "dare", challenging herself to new heights and challenging you to stop her, attempting the standard weapon of shame when you failed her test in order to goad you further.
Despite this, your stories DO indicate a clear, escalating alcoholism, and once more you've dodged a bullet. This chick was trouble looking for a place to happen and the sooner she's GONE from your life, the better.
If your taking a stand against that kind of harmful behaviour drove her away, all the better for you. You can HELP someone who wants to be helped but you can't FIX them.
I suggest having a police offer accompany her and the other man to get her belongings.
Do not have any contact with her. Remember, this is a show being put on for her new bf. Nothing more. The drama is carefully aligned to extract as many feelings of pity and woe -is-me as possible. You adding to the drama only makes things worse.
Once again well said. What did you think of the e-mail. Is that more of the attitude you were saying that should have been taken from the start? I must admit, it feels kind of good to write it and stop being so nice and passive about everything.
Actually you missed a point about the drinking. In the past it never had involved her flirting with other men or disappearing, etc. This only happened recently, the last 1-2 months maybe, where I could notice the obvious behavior change. In other cases, she would drink a lot, sure, but not stray. She would just turn into an angry blackout drunk and pick a fight with me (and sometimes others, but usually me). When I said she would get sexual that was also towards me. You never know which one you were going to get, that one or the angry one. But there's two things I know for sure: She had no capacity or care on when to stop (even when driving), and when asked to stop or slow down, she ALWAYS took offense. I also want to point out that the straying occurred right around the time I began to take a harder stance on her alcohol abuse. It was when the drinking til the point of drunk was almost 7 nights a week and a lot more intense on the weekends. She never once blamed the alcohol on any of her actions regarding the affair but remember, she really hasn't even admitted it yet despite the evidence. All she has said is "it was not his fault, this was going to happen anyway" or "I was already leaving you" or "you don't know the whole story". That is the most I got out of it. That and of course her continued attempts to make it known where she was (but not with whom), her facebook posts all last weekend were constantly stating where she was (so I unsubscribed) and you know the beach trick this week. She wanted to make very sure (and still seems to) that I know all the "fun" she is having.
I appreciate the kind words of support as you know what I am going through. I think it's sort of a perfect storm, I realize things I could have done better, but her loon-like tendencies combined with that set it all off. I mean a non-loon would not cheat and lie, they would discuss with their partner, try and solve the issue, solve it, or break up. They would not double dip for 2 months. It takes a special kind of loon to do that, I think. Something in someone's pure moral fiber to have a secret affair while still on the outside being true to their significant other.
She never called herself a free spirit, by the way. And I also have no doubts in her faithfulness up until this event. Something just snapped. The wedding stress, being so close, the commitment, my harping on her alcohol consumption, less time together as a couple due to being so BUSY with the wedding planning, and then, a guy who showed up as attractive and available.
I did indeed, in the last 2 months, use the word HELP a lot, and let her know I can't make her stop but wanted her to. She expressed no interest. Asked her would I could do to help or support her. She just wanted to keep drinking.
I suggest having a police offer accompany her and the other man to get her belongings.
Do not have any contact with her. Remember, this is a show being put on for her new bf. Nothing more. The drama is carefully aligned to extract as many feelings of pity and woe -is-me as possible. You adding to the drama only makes things worse.
Lots of calls for police involvement here. Wow. Never thought that would be common. Honestly I expect a scene but with witnesses I don't think she will do anything. Good point about the pity. There is little to no doubt in my mind that she has told the new guy what a JERK I am, how horrible I was to her, etc...lies to elicit pity and justify his and her actions.
Okay, enough of the BS and the back and forth. You had the opportunity to talk about money yesterday and all you wanted to do is leave. As I said before, the honeymoon was canceled, and the refund on the resort portion was enough to pay off the balance of the credit card. I did not get any money back. Airfare is non-refundable. You can check their website and see it right in their cancel policy. The only other thing put on that card were the rings, and you are keeping yours which was more expensive so you are already ahead. If anything, you owe ME money. But I have no need/want for your money and am giving you a break so we can end this. If you really want to argue money, have a lawyer call me. My paperwork is all in order. You will end up owing me. I am now done talking about money and anything else with you.
I want you to come get your stuff out of here next week. I was thinking Wednesday night at 6:30. Let me know if that works, and I will arrange to be here so you can get your things and go.
Do not e-mail me back or call unless it is to confirm that you are coming for your things.
Given her instability, it looks like this is more than your own mental state which I hope is shored up now. She needs to agree to end this quickly and orderly. If not, then look at unilateral ways to do it. You may want to pay a lawyer $50 for legal advice if it comes to that.
I haven't read every post of this thread and I agree you should have police presence when she removes her things. Also I hope you changed the locks immediately.
When the "drama queen" arrives with her new BF, I would be polite and shake his hand and THANK him.
So if everyone recalls, yesterday when my ex left I asked her to sit down and work out remaining finances and she couldn't get out the door faster. Well guess what? I just got an e-mail:
"So, I'm kinda confused about the whole honeymoon situation...explain that to me again?"
The situation is this. I got a 0% interest credit card in my name to put 2 things on, the honeymoon and our wedding bands. I had been paying down the balance of the credit card and she had been writing me checks each month for her half. However, the refund of the honeymoon was only enough to "pay off" the credit card, so I got no money back. She is trying to make a move here to claim half of a honeymoon refund she is not entitled to or does not exist. Not only that, but her band was more expensive, and I already gave that to her, and kept mine, as an "even swap" on that regard. So there is no room for argument.
However, be that as it may, I am tired of the back and forth and the games, especially since she was here in person yesterday and did not bring this up. So it's time to take US's advice. She is getting one, and only one e-mail from me and this is what I've got (time to ruin that beach trip and her power trip):
Okay, enough of the BS and the back and forth. You had the opportunity to talk about money yesterday and all you wanted to do is leave. As I said before, the honeymoon was canceled, and the refund on the resort portion was enough to pay off the balance of the credit card. I did not get any money back. Airfare is non-refundable. You can check their website and see it right in their cancel policy. The only other thing put on that card were the rings, and you are keeping yours which was more expensive so you are already ahead. If anything, you owe ME money. But I have no need/want for your money and am giving you a break so we can end this. If you really want to argue money, have a lawyer call me. My paperwork is all in order. You will end up owing me. I am now done talking about money and anything else with you.
I want you to come get your stuff out of here next week. I was thinking Wednesday night at 6:30. Let me know if that works, and I will arrange to be here so you can get your things and go.
Do not e-mail me back or call unless it is to confirm that you are coming for your things.
Of course I am going out to change the locks right now as this message will likely start world war 3 but I am fed up, especially after talking to U.S. here, in seeing how much she has continued to drag this out and manipulate the situation.
Sound good?
The only thing I would change is the time to this weekend. There's no reason why you need to inconvenience yourself by keeping her stuff around for any longer. Too bad if it ruins her weekend.
It doesn't sound like she'll get violent so the police aren't needed. I think a couple of neighbors as witnesses are all that is needed. On the desk, I'd just take enough of it apart to get it out the door and let her worry about transporting it. I'd guess keeping it could cause later arguments even if you pay her for it.
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I like.