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Got another e-mail this morning to confirm we are still "on" for tonight with a bunch of questions (do you have my xxxxx, and xxxxx) and more friendly banter. Says "my roommate" will be by with the truck and I might be a little earlier (so I assume OM might be her "roommate" what a laugh, but I don't care to see him or know, I am going to just be out back on my deck ignoring the situation). She is starting to ask questions like a friend would ask. I don't want to be friends with her. I hope she gets that. I just have this feeling that after this is all over, if she runs into a problem or something she'll feel like she can just write me with a "can you help me with..." type friendly question or something. My plan will be just to totally ignore it. I mean come on. At least once she gets her stuff out of the house, I have no obligation to answer her calls or mails anymore. I just hope she has EVERYTHING out of here. There were indeed a few things we forgot this morning that I had to go add to her stuff pile. I hope there's not any more discovered down the road.
Hurry up and get this over with, please! Need to have no contact!!!
I'm glad to see you write this post, especially the part I put in bold. And I'm glad things didn't end up going badly as far as her getting stuff out of your house.
As for dealing with her friendly overtures -- no one likes to burn bridges, and women even moreso than men as a rule of thumb. She's being friendly right now for three reasons (and remember how she was behaving BEFORE you put your foot down -- that may not have worked out precisely as either of us anticipated but it DID make a difference in how she speaks to you):
1. If you end on friendly terms she feels less guilt about her actions which ended the relationship. She can tell people you simply "agreed" or even just drifted apart, and she can count on you not having any bitter words to share with mutual friends.
2. As you said -- if you're friends she can call on you later to help her with things. After all, she knows she has some emotional hold on you, you've always done what you could to help her before, right? And helping each other is what friends do, right? And being friends is the "mature" thing to do, right? Don't you want to be mature? Isn't "friendly" better than bitter? And don't friends help each other?
All "logical" stuff for number 2, but you're far, far better off washing your hands of this woman once it's done, washing your hands for good. It's clear you already know this, I'm only saying it because when wounds are still fresh it helps to hear someone agree.
And 3. She's not wanting to burn that bridge, just in case. She might "find herself" and "work things out" and then approach you down the line to "get together for dinner and wonder what might have been".
To wax literary, remember, Lucifer was the most beautiful and beloved of all angels, which means he had a LOT to offer -- but would any of it be worth it? Not saying she's the devil, just illustrating a point.
Spending time with friends will help you at this stage, occupying your mind with other things. Keeping the mind busy is the key.
Why does it bug me so much that she is being so passive and conversational about all this? Making comments, LOLs, and asking questions like it's just a couple of friends exchanging a regular old email...I don't get it! Does she actually think we can remain casual friends or something?
I mean I am all for civil but why is she being so casual and conversational? Ugh.
It bugs you because you're not yet over it and that's perfectly normal. I've been there and done that from both sides of the fence and it's very confusing but this is the way that it is after this sort of a breakup. It's also quite OK that you keep asking on this forum. At 64 years old I've lots of mileage you couldn't even envision - before the internet and forums such as these we were on our own pretty much and learned the hard way with maybe the help of friends.
It's only a few hours from now that she'll pick up the rest of her stuff, you only have a few loose ends to tie up and then you're going to have to set about getting yourself together, dealing with the inevitable (trust me on this one) communications you'll continue to get from her when she'll say that she "forgot" to remove something she can't find and ask you if you still have it ... etc.
You're one of the few posters here who've actually listened and heeded. Stay with us here (I know you will, you just need affirming back-up!) and you'll be fine.
It bugs you because you're not yet over it and that's perfectly normal. I've been there and done that from both sides of the fence and it's very confusing but this is the way that it is after this sort of a breakup. It's also quite OK that you keep asking on this forum. At 64 years old I've lots of mileage you couldn't even envision - before the internet and forums such as these we were on our own pretty much and learned the hard way with maybe the help of friends.
It's only a few hours from now that she'll pick up the rest of her stuff, you only have a few loose ends to tie up and then you're going to have to set about getting yourself together, dealing with the inevitable (trust me on this one) communications you'll continue to get from her when she'll say that she "forgot" to remove something she can't find and ask you if you still have it ... etc.
You're one of the few posters here who've actually listened and heeded. Stay with us here (I know you will, you just need affirming back-up!) and you'll be fine.
Thanks for that, I know what the right thing is to do here for sure, given that you see so many folks who try and stay friends, or stay in contact, or are always "checking up" to see what the person who cheated/left them is doing, it only serves the purpose of self-torture. I can't help my mind from wandering, and of course am curious...Who is this "roommate" with the truck coming over today? Is this the OM? Is that who she moved in with? Or is she getting her own place? I can drive myself crazy wondering but I can't help it. I don't want to ask her because the answer doesn't matter, I just need to stop my brain from caring, too.
I definitely plan to stick around as I go through the healing process, as I know I am going to have my up days and my down days. Luckily I have a lot of friends and family to lean on as well and should have a lot of opportunities to fill up my free time with them over the coming months when it will be the toughest.
I think you are right on the inevitable communications but I just don't get why they feel the need to do that. I mean I have made it pretty obvious that I don't have an interest in a friendship, or what she is doing. Is she trying to force that on me? Does she want me to ask/know what she is doing? I mean, does she even potentially have the audacity to think that I would want a friendship after what she did? I can see being friends with an ex after a mutual friendly breakup, but after lies and cheating, I don't get how she could even think I would be in a position to want to hear from her. But you're right, I would not be surprised if a "Have you seen my..." email arrives in the near future. I will post here of course if that happens.
STT I am so thankful for this forum and wise folks like yourself who have been so kind to offer their time and guidance as I go through this.
Thanks for that, I know what the right thing is to do here for sure, given that you see so many folks who try and stay friends, or stay in contact, or are always "checking up" to see what the person who cheated/left them is doing, it only serves the purpose of self-torture. I can't help my mind from wandering, and of course am curious...Who is this "roommate" with the truck coming over today? Is this the OM? Is that who she moved in with? Or is she getting her own place? I can drive myself crazy wondering but I can't help it. I don't want to ask her because the answer doesn't matter, I just need to stop my brain from caring, too.
I definitely plan to stick around as I go through the healing process, as I know I am going to have my up days and my down days. Luckily I have a lot of friends and family to lean on as well and should have a lot of opportunities to fill up my free time with them over the coming months when it will be the toughest.
I think you are right on the inevitable communications but I just don't get why they feel the need to do that. I mean I have made it pretty obvious that I don't have an interest in a friendship, or what she is doing. Is she trying to force that on me? Does she want me to ask/know what she is doing? I mean, does she even potentially have the audacity to think that I would want a friendship after what she did? I can see being friends with an ex after a mutual friendly breakup, but after lies and cheating, I don't get how she could even think I would be in a position to want to hear from her. But you're right, I would not be surprised if a "Have you seen my..." email arrives in the near future. I will post here of course if that happens.
STT I am so thankful for this forum and wise folks like yourself who have been so kind to offer their time and guidance as I go through this.
STTResident nailed it.
As for your own questions (the parts I bolded), you're dead on. It serves the purpose of making sure you still care (validating her self-esteem and making sure that bridge isn't burned entirely) while it is also a way of getting back at you for daring to stand up to her by proving to you how happy she is.
As I said earlier, some people also delude themselves into being this way because it's supposed to be "more mature", when in point of fact it merely demonstrates how little they were affected and therefore how little they actually cared in the first place.
US - Your reply is coming. Your message was another gem, you are an incredibly insightful person. I'm not sure where you get it all. I did want to share the e-mail (with edits) so you guys could see exactly where I am coming from:
Quote:
Hey! Just wanted to make sure everything was still on for tonight. My roommate should be there with the truck around 6:30...I might be a little earlier unless that's a problem. I saw that you're coming to the office on Friday. I'm glad that you decided to! Hope he can get it adjusted right for you.
Just a couple more things...
Did we throw out my [detail removed] that was in the garage? I can't remember! Also, is my [ detail removed ] in with my stuff? I need to ask u about the [ details removed ]..what shouldn't I do so I don't [ detail removed ] ? I'm sure I'll come up with more lol! Thought a heads up would be better for u! Thanks! And sorry, I forgot to grab the check!
As for your own questions (the parts I bolded), you're dead on. It serves the purpose of making sure you still care (validating her self-esteem and making sure that bridge isn't burned entirely) while it is also a way of getting back at you for daring to stand up to her by proving to you how happy she is.
As I said earlier, some people also delude themselves into being this way because it's supposed to be "more mature", when in point of fact it merely demonstrates how little they were affected and therefore how little they actually cared in the first place.
Well as we all know it's hard to just "stop caring" but it's one thing to show it. After a 4 year relationship it's going to take a while for me to stop caring but that doesn't mean I want her in my life or for her to think the bridge isn't burned.
It is almost saddening to think that if she really is not putting up a front and taking this so well, that she is actually happy with this, I mean if she can go from being engaged and 2 weeks later being happy being a liar and a cheater who is moving in with someone else...That's just sad but like you said if that's really true, she REALLY doesn't care about me at all!
I'm glad to see you write this post, especially the part I put in bold. And I'm glad things didn't end up going badly as far as her getting stuff out of your house.
Yeah it wasn't bad at all, not even close to any negativity at all. Just some sadness.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Urban Sasquatch
As for dealing with her friendly overtures -- no one likes to burn bridges, and women even moreso than men as a rule of thumb. She's being friendly right now for three reasons (and remember how she was behaving BEFORE you put your foot down -- that may not have worked out precisely as either of us anticipated but it DID make a difference in how she speaks to you):
1. If you end on friendly terms she feels less guilt about her actions which ended the relationship. She can tell people you simply "agreed" or even just drifted apart, and she can count on you not having any bitter words to share with mutual friends.
That's wild to hear but not unlikely at all. I mean she is going to justify her actions in any way she can to relieve her guilt, right? I am pretty sure her friends know what really happened and that this was not an agreed upon thing at all, rather a sudden shock and lie, and OM has to know that too. But I guess she will do whatever she needs to help herself with this one.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Urban Sasquatch
2. As you said -- if you're friends she can call on you later to help her with things. After all, she knows she has some emotional hold on you, you've always done what you could to help her before, right? And helping each other is what friends do, right? And being friends is the "mature" thing to do, right? Don't you want to be mature? Isn't "friendly" better than bitter? And don't friends help each other?
All "logical" stuff for number 2, but you're far, far better off washing your hands of this woman once it's done, washing your hands for good. It's clear you already know this, I'm only saying it because when wounds are still fresh it helps to hear someone agree.
Agreed with all that (her mentality in that first paragraph, not ours obviously). No good can come out of future contact, being friends, helping each other out...She has new people to help her now. I think if there was any contact it would be "Did I leave my xxxx in the house, I can't find it" type of things, which I figure I would just ignore or answer with a "no" email/text but I'd rather not get any email or text at all. I have to remember, just because I want a no contact situation does not mean she might not want contact.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Urban Sasquatch
And 3. She's not wanting to burn that bridge, just in case. She might "find herself" and "work things out" and then approach you down the line to "get together for dinner and wonder what might have been".
To wax literary, remember, Lucifer was the most beautiful and beloved of all angels, which means he had a LOT to offer -- but would any of it be worth it? Not saying she's the devil, just illustrating a point.
Spending time with friends will help you at this stage, occupying your mind with other things. Keeping the mind busy is the key.
I mean, to me that just would still make me feel like the second choice or the backup plan. I am still kicking myself for telling her, when we were breaking up but before I knew it was because she cheated, that maybe we would try again someday...And seeing how happy that made her (knowing at that point she had the best of it all)...But once the cheating came to light that all changed. Even if that day comes (and some people here seem to think it sounds inevitable, while I don't think it ever would) where she wanted to be in an actual relationship with me again, the trust is just far too destroyed for it to ever be the type of relationship it would have to be for me.
Sorry to seem to suggest something that may no be totally 'legal' but I believe once the mail is on your property and in your possession its no longer federal property as it is when in transit. I any event, once something is shredded, its like you never got it.
By the way, this evening the garage will be open for her to collect her things, rest of the house locked up -- I intend to be out on my back deck getting some sun in a lounge chair with a cold beer listening to my headphones. Just detaching myself. Hoping she doesn't even come 'round and they load up and I find an emptier garage later in the night. Sort of like a reverse Christmas morning.
I mean, to me that just would still make me feel like the second choice or the backup plan. I am still kicking myself for telling her, when we were breaking up but before I knew it was because she cheated, that maybe we would try again someday...And seeing how happy that made her (knowing at that point she had the best of it all)...But once the cheating came to light that all changed. Even if that day comes (and some people here seem to think it sounds inevitable, while I don't think it ever would) where she wanted to be in an actual relationship with me again, the trust is just far too destroyed for it to ever be the type of relationship it would have to be for me.
You did it again, US. Another great post.
Keep remembering you're her backup plan and you'll be okay. If she ever throws your words back at you, just tell her that was before you knew she was cheating. Hopefully, it won't come to that and she'll be out of your life.
Don't forget to put the check for the desk somewhere she can see it, either in an envelope taped to the front door or on top of her mail bundle. Make sure you write on the check that it was for the desk so you have proof if she later claims you still owe her for it.
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