Cheating Fiancee Coming By Today...Need Advice! (reasons, breaking up, school)

[sunflower888]

Originally Posted by DMKK

Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I'll qualify I can't say for sure, I am just listing symptoms and matching them to some of the listed symptoms professionals give to these disorders. Only a professional can diagnose. And even then it's very difficult to do so.

They say those with these disorders, one of the symptoms is to not realize you have a problem or refuse treatment, so in most cases, help is not sought, and this it is never diagnosed/treated. And even when help IS sought, it's still difficult to diagnose, as often borderlines will lie to the therapist and tell them what they want to hear rather than the honest truth.

You honestly have to WANT to get better and break the cycle. Pretty terrible stuff.

Yes, I totally agree. They usually dont see it, as they dont take criticism, and love blaming the other party. People generally dont change with this type of thing, sadly for all really. The only difference for them really is they are oblivious to reality, their partner is not.

[RazorRob305]

Originally Posted by cdubs3201

Urban may or may not agree with this. But if she contacts you again, and you can't refuse to respond (we're all human, emotions taking control of our actions is in our nature), then you should respond with "Look, I was drunk last time I texted you and didn't remember doing it, I'd appreciate it if you lost my number."

That'll take the knife out of your chest and stick it right into her kidney. If I'm taking an Urban approach to this I'd say she'll get angry, she'll try to put the blame on you and act disgusted, and hopefully she'll never contact you again.

I realize you don't want to give her anything to feel good about at this point, you don't want to give her justification for her terrible actions by being a jerk to her...but what is the goal here? What's the most important thing you want to come of this? Is it more important to make her feel worse about her mistake or for you to feel better, move on, and be happy?

I did something that changed my life and set me on a path to rid myself of a woman who did the same things this woman is doing to you: I wrote a long long email saying some of the meanest things I could think of to her. I had to be as mean, rude, and heartless about it as possible with the intention of making it so she would NEVER want to talk to me again. I knew that I could not trust myself to hold the no contact approach you've taken. Alcohol or plain emotion would overtake me and I'd become doormat again. So I made it so that she would never accept my contact attempts again.

It worked great. Time went on, she never responded when I was weak enough to try and apologize and "be friends again". And I forgot about her over time. After 2 full years, when I was 100% fully past her, she emailed me. Doing the "hey whats up, hope you can forgive me, how are you doing, miss talkin to ya" email. I simply responded that I meant everything I said in that email two years ago and that I'd appreciate her staying out of my life. No response, and I could care less what she thought of it, as long as she stays out of my life. It feels great not to care about her at this point.

Case closed. I'm moved on, and much happier without her. How she feels or justifies her mean mistakes is irrelevant to me.

Hell of a story man...glad you are past her...I had a similar experience with 2 different women in my path....lol

[DMKK]

Yeah, thanks for the sympathies all -- As many wiser than I have noticed here, while the pain that someone like this can put you through in the short term, you are always better rid of them in the long term. It's just part of the pattern and the skillful way they manage to get their hooks in you over the years -- They are so manipulative (perhaps without even realizing it consciously) that they can stomp on you when you leave and you STILL miss them / want them back.

If indeed this is something she might have been diagnosed with, I can sleep easier with the comfort that life will be better lived in the long run without her in it. And unless she gets some help I'm afraid she's destined for a tough life herself. Sweet girl underneath it all I think, and I'm not even sure she's fully in control of all her actions over the years, so for her own sake I hope she can get better someday.

[VoyagerMan]

This woman sounds like my wife. Unfortunately I did not leave her the first time she cheated on me. My situation is a bit more complicated though. But she definitely sounds like my wife, a freakin selfish nutjob. I admire you for being strong and breaking it off like you did.

[mask of thought]

thats really sad but you should try to relize that you can still be happy with someone else you just need time to recover and just charge her for the call she made and texts that went over just relize that when she started cheated then those feeling are not there anymore somewhat but not like before. it was really selfish of her to continue in a marriage while cheating its better to break the marriage up then cheat during it. just keep yourself busy to distract yourself. try not to erase every memorie of it or when something triggers those feelings. you may not be prepared for it

[mask of thought]

reread your not marryed but still very selfish of her

[cdubs3201]

Originally Posted by DMKK

Mathguy,

I know right? Check this out. List of things about her personality that I saw that matched BPD/NPD:

Ongoing alcohol abuse
Rage/Blackouts when drinking (usually towards me, the person closest to her - did not remember incidents of rage the next day)
Drug addiction (able to stop but unable to refuse in front of her)
Cheated/Lied
Had another guy on the line before leaving my relationship
Unable to commit to relationship (left 2 previous engagements, then left ours 2 months before wedding)
Enjoying flirting and getting attention from other men when I wasn't around (and when she drank, when I WAS around)
Highly Attractive
Selfish (example, loved massages but NEVER wanted to give one)
Sexual when she wanted to be, but usually only when she wanted it for her own needs (or drunk and then didn't remember it the next day)
Pulled out eyelashes and sometimes hair
Extremely vain (would not leave the house to get the mail without 1/2 hour+ of makeup applied)
Turbulent relationship with mother
No father figure (abandoned early)
Possible abuse at a younger age
Sexually promiscuous and heavy drug/alcohol use early in life (early teens)
Bad self-esteem / self-image
Depressed (on medication but drank alcohol almost daily despite it)

The list probably could go on the more I thought about it, but just keying it in makes me look back and go, wow. Just wow. I wish I'd have looked this up sooner. I thought the problem was just the alcohol.

You almost married her? I mean the drugs and alcohol are already deal breakers, but you knew that she left 2 prior engagements before you? What?

I'm sorry if I sound like a jerk, but F*CK her feelings at this point. She's not a train wreck, she's an earthquake/tornado/hurricane all in one. Tell her off, say the meanest things you can possibly say to get her out of your life forever.

Start with her drug abuse, then jump directly into her family (something along the lines of "if I were your father I'd ditch you too") and then get into the real mean personal sh*t that only YOU know about her. Like certain things that maybe she thought were special to you and dismiss them like they meant nothing. Just go to town.

It'll be the best thing for you at this point, trust me. You didn't dodge a bullet man, you dodged a semi-truck!!

Also, stop talking about her, she's meaningless, her life has no value, and starting now she is NON EXISTANT TO YOU.

[DMKK]

I don't expect I'll have to take that route, actually expect to have heard the last from her now.

Of course I realize that stuff is all awful (especially the stuff you highlighted, though I chalked up the two broken engagements to being an immature kid, she was very young and I figured just immature -- who knew she hadn't changed in the last 6 years).

But saying all that, and knowing as an intelligent, grown man how it looks, that's the crazy commonality I was seeing with BPD girls guys like me who were affected by them -- We miss them like crazy despite it all, like some spell they were able to put on us. Plus it takes two to tango, so I'm learning I was just the perfect type of pushover doof to let her in. They have a talent for finding them. When you stop being a pushover they look for the next victim (when I got on the drinking more is what triggered it, plus the wedding I guess).

Anyway, I appreciate the support and the kind words in my favor. I'm doing really well these days.

I'm told the best (sometimes only) cure to get over them is to bed a more attractive girl (or even just a more loving, caring one) so I'll be working towards that now.

[cdubs3201]

Originally Posted by DMKK

I don't expect I'll have to take that route, actually expect to have heard the last from her now.

Of course I realize that stuff is all awful (especially the stuff you highlighted, though I chalked up the two broken engagements to being an immature kid, she was very young and I figured just immature -- who knew she hadn't changed in the last 6 years).

But saying all that, and knowing as an intelligent, grown man how it looks, that's the crazy commonality I was seeing with BPD girls guys like me who were affected by them -- We miss them like crazy despite it all, like some spell they were able to put on us. Plus it takes two to tango, so I'm learning I was just the perfect type of pushover doof to let her in. They have a talent for finding them. When you stop being a pushover they look for the next victim (when I got on the drinking more is what triggered it, plus the wedding I guess).

Anyway, I appreciate the support and the kind words in my favor. I'm doing really well these days.

I'm told the best (sometimes only) cure to get over them is to bed a more attractive girl (or even just a more loving, caring one) so I'll be working towards that now.

You can call me a jerk or a douche or crazy or whatever. But what you need to do is to stick it to her good for your own ego, and allow you to grow some balls, while at the same time send her packing.

You need to bait her and lure her back and bang her one last time. Make her think you are begging her back or something, get her alone, do the deed, then just start laughing. Say "got what I wanted, now get out of my house".

It's mean, but you'll have some confidence afterwards, and she'll leave you alone for good after that.

I wouldn't do this to just any woman, this is the only meanest thing I can think of without breaking the law, this woman has it coming. It would be a hilarious joke on HER. Just take on the as*hole mantra just this once so you can bury it, know you got the best of her in the end, you'll feel better, and you'll be stronger from it.

[Macrina]

^^ cdubs, the plan you are proposing would, in actuality bring DMKK down to her level of deception and manipulation. For his own sake, I hope he doesn't listen to you. Just sayin'. . .