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^^ cdubs, the plan you are proposing would, in actuality bring DMKK down to her level of deception and manipulation. For his own sake, I hope he doesn't listen to you. Just sayin'. . .
Again, what's more important here? Making her feel worse about herself? Worrying about who is on a higher moral level? How is that going so far? Are your listing off of reasons and disorders of why she is the way she is making you feel happier? Stronger?
This is just me, but I'd say what's most important is getting rid of her and feeling better about yourself. Doing this will solve it. It would also be a great guy story and something you can look back on and laugh about.
Girls are going to want you to stay the nice guy you are because they can control that guy. They can predict that guy. But if you act on your own, despite what some women will advise, then you'll gain a stronger sense of confidence and independence. Guys who do these things have women chasing them, so I don't wanna hear the "he'll never get a woman again if he acts like this" because it's the doormat he's been acting like which has got him into trouble in the first place. You can't change your ex fiance, you can only change your self. Think of it as a step only to make a slight transformation.
Or continue to be a doormat. Let me know how the bottom of her boots feel.
I read every single page of this last night. Whew was I up late lol.. Just wanted to say Good luck on your future and healing from your past. One day the right person will come to you when you least expect it.
Tearsofjoy - Glad you were able to catch up, I am sure it was interesting to read it all in one shot like that. It's been quite a ride.
CDubs - We're not really in contact at all (what happened last week was a minor thing and the first in 45 days and I expect it will be the last) -- I certainly have no intention in getting in touch with her or breaking my NC at all. I have been starting to date others and can only assume she is still with the guy she left me for and happy, and that's fine. We are both moving on. So I have only myself to work on improving and am trying to get her out of my mind as much as she has been out of my life physically.
I hear what that other poster means by telling her off, etc. But if I were you, if your paths to ever cross again, yes then make the point to tell her a few of the things she did wrong and that hurt you. But dont make a big deal of it, just make the point.
This is not really about moral high ground, but maybe it will help her a little to learn and improve, view it as feedback.
Though obviously feedback only works if she listens to it, I think she would eventually even if she wont admit it to you. But absolutely dont go out of your way to meet her. Sometimes not telling her off is not doing her any favours either.
I definitely get what you are saying. It's sort of a fine line between being abusive and being tough/stern. Way way early in this thread, our pal Urban had a lot to say about that. At the time there was still the necessity of contact as she hadn't finished moving out, so he touted being a lot firmer in my interactions with her then, and it worked quite well. After spending so much of my life being a "nice guy" type doormat, it was a change, but he's right -- I have been too much of a pushover.
However, times are different now. A lot of folks have had mixed success with NC (no contact) but overall it's gone very well for me. Since the day I posted about here back in April, the day she came to the house for the last time, I have not heard her voice or seen her face. Pretty darn good. And aside from a few texts early on, and her little "Miss you" text 2 weeks ago, it's been rock solid.
For that reason, I'm not going out of my way to write her any messages, letters, or emails. We don't run in the same circles so seeing her in person is pretty unlikely by coincidence. I don't have a strong desire to tell her off, anyway. Regardless of what she admitted or said when we were breaking up, she knows what she did and she'll have to live with it. I don't know if there's anything more I can say to her that would make a difference in how she looks back on what happened.
I like to think she gets that what she did was wrong...But if she doesn't, and she's happy with the choice she made to cheat and lie, and feels it was the right thing to do, then well, that's a shame, but there's no reasoning with a human being like that, anyway. No amount of telling her off, scolding her, or even trying to explain my feelings/side of this would make a difference.
I'm pretty confident that the contact is over. The occasional compulsion I felt early on to want to see her, call her, talk to her, write to her...That's gone now. It still hurts sometimes, and I figure it will for a while, but I'm at least to the point where I know that no good can come from being in any sort of contact with her.
I definitely get what you are saying. It's sort of a fine line between being abusive and being tough/stern. Way way early in this thread, our pal Urban had a lot to say about that. At the time there was still the necessity of contact as she hadn't finished moving out, so he touted being a lot firmer in my interactions with her then, and it worked quite well. After spending so much of my life being a "nice guy" type doormat, it was a change, but he's right -- I have been too much of a pushover.
However, times are different now. A lot of folks have had mixed success with NC (no contact) but overall it's gone very well for me. Since the day I posted about here back in April, the day she came to the house for the last time, I have not heard her voice or seen her face. Pretty darn good. And aside from a few texts early on, and her little "Miss you" text 2 weeks ago, it's been rock solid.
For that reason, I'm not going out of my way to write her any messages, letters, or emails. We don't run in the same circles so seeing her in person is pretty unlikely by coincidence. I don't have a strong desire to tell her off, anyway. Regardless of what she admitted or said when we were breaking up, she knows what she did and she'll have to live with it. I don't know if there's anything more I can say to her that would make a difference in how she looks back on what happened.
I like to think she gets that what she did was wrong...But if she doesn't, and she's happy with the choice she made to cheat and lie, and feels it was the right thing to do, then well, that's a shame, but there's no reasoning with a human being like that, anyway. No amount of telling her off, scolding her, or even trying to explain my feelings/side of this would make a difference.
I'm pretty confident that the contact is over. The occasional compulsion I felt early on to want to see her, call her, talk to her, write to her...That's gone now. It still hurts sometimes, and I figure it will for a while, but I'm at least to the point where I know that no good can come from being in any sort of contact with her.
It's not you who would be abusive here, it's her who has already, it's emotional abuse. Same type I had, it's hell, yes.
Me, personally I had to say and tell some stuff of my feelings, and then it was a burdened shared with them, but I totally get what you say, i.e. all that really makes no difference to their feelings, they are so heartless, cruel and cold anyway.
I wasnt a doormat, I was loyal but too much wanting to please my partner, over my own feelings and needs. Too good, I call it.
I know now its about holding out for who you are, what you stand for, and always have give and take. I realise I gave gave gave, and he took took took. I wont be ever doing that again. I think you too, will note not to do that again.
These types are really mean, really selfish, and simply do not care one iota about your feelings. Sadly you found out very late, like me, hence we were more shocked and hurt as the drop was deeper. But partly due to a codependence, that mean because we are too nice we accepted more rough treatment, when others would spot it and not accept it, even one bad thing, and walk away at the first bad thing. Thereby avoiding this much worse situation further down the time line, but also with deepened emotions.
It's all a learning. We, I suspect, will next time pick a much better partner, and spot all those little little signs for what they truly are.
Look for a partner with a "big heart", i.e. a good inside character, not a big personality.
I feel like I've done 10 rounds in the boxing ring and was on the ropes. Now finally, I've just about pulled myself up off the floor and am ready to get out of boxing ring, and into the real world!
You're very good to not have been in touch with her. I find that very hard to do, but then mine never cheated. In a weird way, that clarity of cheating helps yuor decision.
Hi Sunflower...Sorry for the late reply, it was my birthday weekend so I was busy with friends.
Also, I debated not posting a reply any more, as I have started to suspect my ex might have discovered this thread and has been reading it. Which is okay, I guess, after all I didn't say anything but the honest truth here.
That said - On my birthday, I got a phone call from a blocked number that I did not answer, close to midnight. Around 20 minutes later, I got an e-mail from my ex. I'd like to post it all here for everyone to see but am a little paranoid about it now.
The e-mail was very unexpected and actually said pretty much all the right things it needed to say, that someone in my shoes would want to hear. It was so accurate to things said here that it led me to wonder if reading this thread might have been part of the reason for the "wake up".
Basically, the gist of the e-mail is this: She wanted to know how I was and wished me a happy birthday. She wanted to again apologize for what she did, but took it a step further this time and said she has spent the last few months in misery and is now in counseling. Says she cannot believe how immature and cruel she was to me not just in the end but at other points in the relationship, and that she also now sees that alcohol played a big problem, and is also talking to her counselor about that. Said that she was not ready to get better, and there was nothing I could have done to change that, but now she was ready to make the change. Said she wishes she could turn the clock back 3 months and do things different, and wishes she would have taken me up on my offer to meet up the last time she contacted, but knows now it is too late. Said she has decided to stop relying on others to take care of her, and is taking care of herself, going back to school to further her career, and thanked me for all I tried to do for her, and said that it took losing me and the relationship to wake her up and make her want to be better, and that I will always be in her heart.
Anyway I should have probably just posted it now that I said all that but there it is. So that's how my birthday started this year. Something else, huh?
Wow what an e-mail...sounds like she is buttering you up to get back into your life eventually but that must have been a little bit of a bright spot to see that she is finally taking on a little responsibility for her actions.
I hope you are not going to answer it but it must have made you feel pretty good so now maybe you won't be so tough to yourself...things happen for a reason.
How could she possible have known who you are here...I don't think with the thousands of posters and forums around unless your screen name has meaning to her...in that case all she had to do was google it.
Yeah the odds of her reading this are slim, the more I think of it. I didn't use a name she would know...I have posted in other forums but more likely this is just stuff from her counseling session.
It's sort of a bittersweet email as it makes me wish this would have happened sooner. I'm happy that she is owning up to her shortcomings and getting on the right path, but can't help but also be a little sad as it took her losing me to get there. But she did say, despite my best intentions to help her, she wasn't ready then, so there was nothing I could have done.
I realize this email may have been written more for her own healing than mine, perhaps her counselor even put her up to it. Regardless I do hope she gets better, but would be lying if I didn't admit I wish I could have been the one she got better for/with.
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