37 year old virgin needs help (boyfriends, girlfriends, man, advice)

[SparklyWonder66]

Originally Posted by Onglet39

I have not been in a budding relationship since I got married, 1999, so I can't speak to building a relationship again yet. But look, I grew up in the age of AIDS. I saw people die in the late 80s because they didn't want to discuss sex first. There is absolutely nothing wrong with protecting yourself by asking a person's sexual history. Back then, I discussed sex with everyone I dated in a long-term manner.

If my wanting to know whether you have been with hundreds of people is a red flag for you, so be it. We can and should go our seperate ways at that point. My sexual health is important to me, and I think it should be important to you too.

Just to be clear I do partially agree with CDUB. I do think if you ask about people's sexual preferences or how many partners they have slept with very early on. This would send alarm bells to most men (or even women) and they wouldn't call you again as it could come off forward and phycho.

BUT I do think it's sensible to talk about certain things before having sex but maybe on the day your going to have sex? You mention AIDS but no one is encouraging the OP to have unprotected sex and we hope any women where this would be an issue would mention this (having a disease or similar) before jumping into bed too.

[SparklyWonder66]

Originally Posted by Onglet39

Sorry but the other guy said you can discuss it right before sex. I disagree.

Funny thing about masturbation - when I mentioned finding it "weird", I was thinking about people who don't do it all, not those who do it too much. They are very easy to weed out in casual conversation. If you told me you did it 5 times a day, I'd think it's a bit much but not a deal breaker. But if you told me you do it once a year and it makes you cry... I'd be making the check sign to the waiter. Even if we hadn't had dinner yet!

Sorry my mistake regarding the masturbation thing. I do think this stuff is better talked about longer into the relationship. It's each to their own though and I wouldn't do this on a date but I would ask the most important questions before having sex.

People are different and they do things differently.

[OngletNYC]

Originally Posted by SparklyWonder66

Sorry my mistake regarding the masturbation thing. I do think this stuff is better talked about longer into the relationship. It's each to their own though and I wouldn't do this on a date but I would ask the most important questions before having sex.

People are different and they do things differently.

Regarding masturbation, it doesn't matter either way in the context of this thread. I just find it interesting to note our differing point of view on the subject -- really its another example of why people need to have a mature, free-flowing discussion in advance.

[gwynedd1]

Originally Posted by GypsySoul22

Try finding women to be friends with. Join a book group *you're in NYC for crying out loud* or a class or something where the ratio of women is higher than men (no, not Home Depot).

Once you get some girl FRIENDS you will be more confident around women in general and these friends also have friends and will give you a segue into the world of women/dating.

Don't have 'time frames' and 'agendas.'

Also, avoid showy, gold digger girls. There are plenty of them in NYC and Long Island. Try to go to 'regular' activities (again, at libraries, museums), night school.

I agree, your sexuality is no ones business and I would not even talk about it. In addition, no, you do not have to have sex within a certain time frame.

Hi GypsySoul22,

You are right, that is what he should do. However he should pay no attention to what they say if they are helping him date. They will not be honest with him to prevent hurting his feelings and they will have too many rationalizations. Its not that they will not mean well. I think women honestly like nice guys, they just don't want to date them but don't seem to know why.

I remember seeing the reflection of nice guy in a girl's beautiful eyes as a teenager. I was sitting with 2 girls both of them across the booth. One was a childhood friend while the other I will call angel face who I knew only casually. My childhood friend casually asked if angel face would date someone like me.

The angle peered at a red ember of hell that jumped out of the crackling fire and was repulsed. Her head quickly shook and her lunch bucked in her stomach as if it had not been cleanly killed. She then quickly recovered from the aversive impulse that no amount of socialization can suppress. There was nothing to forgive, she had no choice. From my point of view it was the look of a cathedral on fire. Angel face did say to me convincingly that I was a nice guy.

That is how I learned what women desire; not by what they say, but what they do.

[xube]

Go to a dating service and seek a woman over 50...first she has the wisdom to understand you as a human being, second she has the experience with the fools that did bad things to you in the past and will not hold that against you, send you to treatment or anythingelse...she will just advise you to move on and see the greatness that you bring to her life.....go for it....it is high time you were loved for who you truly are and not what others have made you believe you are....aho

[Currency Pair Crocodile]

Originally Posted by ny101

I'm a 37 year old virgin in New York City. I got picked on relentlessly in school and went into a shell and gave up any hope of marriage and children or even a relationship until last December.

I worked up the courage to join an internet dating website late last year and finally got the courage to ask some women out. The three dates I've had did not work out. Two ended with them complimenting me but not wanting to see me again.

I'm of average height 5-10.5, dress decently, have no missing teeth, have a decent job and a few friends. The lack of any type of sexual experience stands out I know.

I just read some posts about women not wanting to date virgins and see someone said the age of no return for a male virgin is 30 which was 7 years ago for me. Is that true? Am I too late? I will not go to a prostitute under any circumstances no matter how horny I feel so don't ask.

I dream of having a family and moving out to Long Island. Please be honest. Is it realistic?

Sexual experience or not, if you work on your personality, you can attract women.

1. Dress well.
2. Join a gym and get into shape
3. Do a lot of reading and common learning (women like intelligent men)
4. Be confident (alias, no signs of desperation or self-pity)

[gwynedd1]

Originally Posted by SparklyWonder66

Just to be clear I do partially agree with CDUB. I do think if you ask about people's sexual preferences or how many partners they have slept with very early on. This would send alarm bells to most men (or even women) and they wouldn't call you again as it could come off forward and phycho.

BUT I do think it's sensible to talk about certain things before having sex but maybe on the day your going to have sex? You mention AIDS but no one is encouraging the OP to have unprotected sex and we hope any women where this would be an issue would mention this (having a disease or similar) before jumping into bed too.

Hi SparklyWonder66,

You mean when you are already emotionally involved?

There are ways to keep a relationship sexual without having sex. Even better is to keep an acquaintance with a sexual charge to it. I will find out what I need to know. I would rather stay healthy.

[ny101]

Originally Posted by SparklyWonder66

You are putting way to much pressure on yourself. I don't think your sexual inexperience can be that obvious on a date (well guessing that things didn't get close to that stage) but your lack of confidence will be. I can't speak for every women but I think that most wouldn't care if you were a virgin. if you were compatible about everything else. Everyone was a virgin at one point.

I wouldn't mention this on a date as you are just getting to know these women. Wait. See how you get on and then when you think things will move to that stage then you can mention it. You don't have to though it totally your choice. Stay away from the word Virgin and just say you aren't as experienced as most. IF YOU WANT TO.

It only takes one and you will be a virgin no more. Whoever suggests visiting a prostitute is crazy that is not the way to go.

You sound like a nice guy who just wants to find a nice partner to share your life with. Relax, continue to date, be confident about everything you have to offer and everything else will fall into place.

How can I be confident in something I have not succeeded at? Is there a way?

You have it right. I just want to raise a family like most people. I want someone to come home to after a day at work. I want the enjoyment of raising a child. I hope it's not too much to ask. I'll take your suggestions. Thank you.

[ny101]

Originally Posted by skel1977

My guess is you are being too needy as in you need a relationship so bad that you are trying to hard on your dates and the women are picking up on it. You are probably being too nice. And 3 dates is nothing. Dating is a numbers game. How many times must someone play bingo before they pick the winning card. Dozens, hundreds? Sometimes they never win but they keep trying. Also I wouldnt tell anyone you are a virgin on your dates. You can come clean after you start to actually have some form of relationship with the person.

Too nice? I like to treat people nicely. Some people have taken advantage in the past, but I'm not going to change.

I do try hard on my dates. What do you mean by too hard?

[gwynedd1]

Originally Posted by ny101

How can I be confident in something I have not succeeded at? Is there a way?

You have it right. I just want to raise a family like most people. I want someone to come home to after a day at work. I want the enjoyment of raising a child. I hope it's not too much to ask. I'll take your suggestions. Thank you.

Hi ny101,

Would you consider yourself a geek? What kind of person are you? As swords are beaten into plow shares so can a talent be engineered to achieve a different goal. If one is good at promotion , they can use those skills to promote themselves. I was the kid that always won the strategy games. So I made a game out of it. What skills and talents do we have to work with here?