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What makes someone abusive and, more importantly, why do people do this?
I worked in a domestic violence shelter so I should know all this stuff, but I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around why someone ends up this way?
I know the standard answers...abusers often come from abused homes or they feel insecure and powerless. Bottom line, I guess they just want to inflict damage, BECAUSE THEY CAN.
Which brings me to another point when I think of the words, BECAUSE THEY CAN. For the record, I am a liberal and not at all understanding of what the H this country is doing (i.e. war, torture, etc). I saw a baby bird that was about to fly and gave it water and kept my cat inside for two days.
Why are mean people mean and why do they seek to victimize those in positions to either not fight back or not have it in them to fight back?
People only do things when there is a payoff. Those who abuse others are only able to do so when someone else allows themselves to be abused by them, and abusers have a way of finding just the "right" person who will tolerate it. It's no coincidence when women keep attracting men who mistreat them, either physically or emotionally, and it's a very toxic circle that, sadly, seems to be very difficult to break. Both roles, abusers and victims, were somehow, somewhere, taught everything they know about relationships and how to treat others, and as well what they will and will not accept regarding how others treat them- most likely in their formative years. From their family, or lack thereof which can, and often includes molestation or some sort of invasion of their psyche, be it physically or emotionally. Or, even something as simple as neglect, or having no positive role models and nobody to "root" for them or build them up when they need it most- which is, again, when growing up, as a kid. Whatever they lacked growing up they make up for later- usually in intimate relationships, and mostly in unhealthy ways- such as abusing others or tolerating abuse.
I'm no expert on behavioral psychology, but it seems that we- ALL of us- have to find the strength, and internal fortitude to understand whatever past issues we've had to deal with, and then be who we are IN SPITE of any negative life experiences, not BECAUSE of them. The only way to stop all abusers from abusing is to remove any and all ability for them to do so. Which means understanding and appreciating that nobody- not you, not me, not anyone- deserves to be treated with anything but respect because WE ARE WORTH IT. And we are too good to deserve anything less, period. Believe it, and LIVE IT!
What makes someone abusive and, more importantly, why do people do this?
I worked in a domestic violence shelter so I should know all this stuff, but I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around why someone ends up this way?
I know the standard answers...abusers often come from abused homes or they feel insecure and powerless. Bottom line, I guess they just want to inflict damage, BECAUSE THEY CAN.
Which brings me to another point when I think of the words, BECAUSE THEY CAN. For the record, I am a liberal and not at all understanding of what the H this country is doing (i.e. war, torture, etc). I saw a baby bird that was about to fly and gave it water and kept my cat inside for two days.
Why are mean people mean and why do they seek to victimize those in positions to either not fight back or not have it in them to fight back?
Many of them have poor characters and personality issues.
I am in a relationship that has been abusive. Working on leaving. They went to counseling and have not touched me in months, but the marriage is DEAD, we are living as roommates due to poverty but I know I must move on. He will never take the intiative to leave.
IN this case, there are some core personalities issues, that were far more suppressed before, even for years. I saw him as charming and fun but as he aged, he changed. He didn't mature. I did. I also notice as I got sicker the power dynamics changed. Some people I think will abuse, just because they CAN, in other words, they will treat you respectfully if you are on a certain level but once that is stripped away, they do what they can get away with.
I have realized deep levels of manipulation and very very poor character.
Entitlement is one major aspect of abusers and never taking any responsiblity.
He was able to get by on some talent, but then his bad character issues as he aged seemed to magnify, by 1000%.
That is one thing people won't tell you, some of them get worse with age.
They want total control too. Everything is about control and getting THEIR NEEDS MET. They also lack empathy. One thing with my present partner, is I have never seen him cry. Women be careful of any man who never cries, seriously.
Google narcisstic personality disorder, that taught me a lot. There are some people who are DIFFERENT from normal people.
I suspect that from the beginning of homo sapiens as we know it - the main types and sub types have been there.
I'm pretty sure today that in the farthest back of the bush in Africa to the tips of ocean archipelego's there are all the various types of control freaks, emotional and physical abusers and all the personality disorders in the book. In more recent memory of pre-industrial revolution when it was thought incredible crowding, lack of education and poverty brought on violence to a world with pockets of immense wealth like the US where many if most people have a home, more education than ever before, these abusers are still with us. We still have dog fighting, animal abuse, children abuse, every type of abuse. Maybe its gotten better, maybe its just more hidden.
In probably the most sad comment I've ever thought or had..I think its just part of the human condition. It is who we are. IMHO until we recognize that and try to educate ourselves in vigilence and education in raising our children nothing is going to change.
To answer this thread briefly: hurt people hurt people. Many times, a person that's a victim of hurt will hurt others to deal with whatever pain he/she is expericing.
I suspect that from the beginning of homo sapiens as we know it - the main types and sub types have been there.
I'm pretty sure today that in the farthest back of the bush in Africa to the tips of ocean archipelego's there are all the various types of control freaks, emotional and physical abusers and all the personality disorders in the book. In more recent memory of pre-industrial revolution when it was thought incredible crowding, lack of education and poverty brought on violence to a world with pockets of immense wealth like the US where many if most people have a home, more education than ever before, these abusers are still with us. We still have dog fighting, animal abuse, children abuse, every type of abuse. Maybe its gotten better, maybe its just more hidden.
In probably the most sad comment I've ever thought or had..I think its just part of the human condition. It is who we are. IMHO until we recognize that and try to educate ourselves in vigilence and education in raising our children nothing is going to change.
YUP! People of all financial backgrounds are abusive. So money has little to do with it.
I was in an abusive relationship for 18 years. What I came to understand is that if we understand why people are abusive, then that would make us just like them. Therefore, I am glad that I do not understand why.
I think that people (men and women) are like this because of how they were raised, I can't quiet accept that people are BORN this way. I think they live in an environment that teaches them this behavior is OK or normal and they grow up and seek out the same relationships.
Unfortunatly many see the signs prior to marriage but think if they love the person enough, commit to the person enough it will get better.
I have to disagree with you. I'm from a family of seven kids raised in a very loving and nurturing environment. We were all raised with the Golden Rule and treated equally. Of the six of us alive, four of us are good, caring, compassionate human beings. My two brothers are nothing like us and one is definitely a narcissist.
I was in an abusive marriage even though it only happened twice in twenty five years, it was two times too many.
I worked in an abusive environment, which I thought was office politics at the time.
None of my siblings have been in these situations.
I'm learning now through an excellent therapist that because of things that happened to me when I was eight and nine years old messed up my thought process and my self esteem, so you are right that someone like me loved a man I thought I could change. And there were no prior signs during our four year courtship.
My parents had nothing to do with my brothers being the way they are or me being a doormat. It was childhood traumas for me. I'm 58 and just now learning that. My brothers personalities, I blame that on genetic screw ups.
Thank you Professor and Jenna for your kind comments. I appreciate the time you took to respond.
I have an addition to the things I said earlier though. My currently 21 year old daughter is doing her utmost to get her father and me back together.
Why doesn't she leave well enough alone? I don't understand, she has come to terms with how her father treated us and told me I should never have listened to her as a child. Why on earth is she harassing me now?
She is calling her father with "updates" on how my son and I are doing, then she is calling me to tell me that I "don't understand";
Her father is taking dance lessons from a friend so he can dance with me......
He is being patient while I work my "mood" out...we are apparently just on a little break while I calm down....
WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER?! She saw stuff firsthand, why is she so determined to be involved in this way? She is married and out on her own. She left at 17 BECAUSE of her dad!
I am so frustrated right now. Not like it isn't hard enough, I have to fight with her too. Actually I hung up on her, I simply could not have that conversation AGAIN.
I know I need to take a moment to breathe, but OH MY GOD. All I want is a little place for my son and me to have a nice quiet life. Somewhere I can help him become the best person he is capable of being, whatever his needs may be. He keeps me going, but it is unbelievably hard.
Chances are is that he's feeding her lies about you. Mine hated me so much for leaving, he wanted my sons to hate me too and they did for a little while. Be strong and stick to your guns.
He even bullied me through the divorce emotionally. My sons got to see the jerk he really was.
PLEASE don't go back under any circumstances. You can do it! He's NEVER going to change.
I don't understand any type of abuse ad I don't believe anyone deserves it. I was fortunate to only be physically abused twice when he was drunk.
I thought I was dealing with office politics for ten years when it reality it was emotional abuse from a coworker that became my boss. I wasn't her only target. I never could understand how she could be so cruel one minute and be nice the next minute. She'd pretend like she had compassion and then makes jokes about the person. She was underhanded, a professional liar, always used someone else as her scapegoat, manipulative, sadistic, and really the most evil person I've ever come across in my life.
People would call off just because they couldn't take the crap she pulled on us. It was a vicious cycle of emotional abuse among a select few targets in the office. I thought she was raised in a decent family and her sis is actually a therapist.
I finally walked out because I just couldn't take it anymore. She has this high opinion of herself and wouldn't dare think she's emotionally disturbed.
For the poster that said people who are abused, abuse other people. That's true in some cases. I've never abused anyone in my life. I treat people the way I want to be treated and that's with respect.
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