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Weelllll, my story is similar. I was married for 11 yrs. and he WAS a sweet man, then one day he changed. How do you infest that amount of time and just walk away ??? Anyway, he said he couldn't handle the family life anymore and wanted to be single. Of course, he hid all his infidelities and sneaking around, making me think I was crazy. I finally busted him and he could deny it any longer. Long story, short, I told him to get his S*** and get out, he did ! To this day, I still don't understand how he could leave his son, though. Now, he tells me he was wrong and he's lonely and misses us, (my reply is "well, that's what your gf is for") but the damage was done and after what my son and I went through, at his hand, theres no way in H*** I'd ever take him back !!! I did finally get around to forgiving him and it was the best thing I've ever done ! So, yes, for me ZERO tolerance !
Location: Phoenix...until next week, then Maryland...tick tock tick tock
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Yep, I'm zero tolerance as well. I've seen talk shows (well, ok, Dr. Phil) where they try to work through infidelity & he says over & over that you can get past infidelity...but I know myself well enough to know that I would not be able to get past it. I find it difficult to trust in the first place, & once my trust was violated that badly, I know I would not be able to resurrect it.
I can forgive, but I don't forget. I would torture myself with "what is he really doing..." every time he was out of my sight after that...& I don't need that.
I salute you guys for sticking to your values & for kicking the undeserving to the curb...so to speak.
I'm zero tolerance too... no swinging door here... I was married for only 7 months when my "ex" left while I was at work to go back with her "ex", actually called me at work to tell me... then, two months later, wanted to come back "biggest mistake of my life, I'm so sorry, can you forgive me, blah blah blah, we didn't do anything, all I could think of was you, yada yada yada". She tried for two years to come back and finally got it when the divorce was finalized. How could anyone look into someones eyes and see love after being cheated on. Not this guy.
I'm sorry to hear about your relationship. I do think you were a bit harsh considering 48 hours is hardly enough time for someone to move out and find a new place but I can definitely empathize. Before my husband and I got married, we had to go through marriage "camp" (technically called Engaged Encounter for the Catholics that know what I'm talking about) and I told him then that I can forgive just about everything except if he was unfaithful to me. I would be absolutely crushed if that ever happened. Now that we've been married 3 years, I wonder if it were to happen, would I really be that unforgiving considering all the crap we've gone through together? Can I really just turn myself off from him? I hope I never have to cross that road.
Yep, I'm zero tolerance as well. I've seen talk shows (well, ok, Dr. Phil) where they try to work through infidelity & he says over & over that you can get past infidelity...but I know myself well enough to know that I would not be able to get past it. I find it difficult to trust in the first place, & once my trust was violated that badly, I know I would not be able to resurrect it.
I can forgive, but I don't forget. I would torture myself with "what is he really doing..." every time he was out of my sight after that...& I don't need that.
I salute you guys for sticking to your values & for kicking the undeserving to the curb...so to speak.
We must be kindred spirits because I am the same way and completely agree with all that you've said.
I am always surprised when someone says they "know" their spouse would never cheat, or do this or that. I have never felt that way about anyone. I am married, and I like to believe that my husband would never cheat, but I don't know that. I consider myself to be a realist, and realistically just about anything is possible.
Does this unknowing of mine make me a bad spouse? Does this mean I don't trust my husband? I do think I trust him as much as I could trust any man. Just wondering if anyone else feels the way I do.
Does this unknowing of mine make me a bad spouse? Does this mean I don't trust my husband? I do think I trust him as much as I could trust any man. Just wondering if anyone else feels the way I do.
I totally know what you mean. When we first married, I tried to get my husband to "promise me" that he'd never cheat on me or divorce me but he refused to give me that promise. Instead, he said he would never intentionally try to hurt me and that he is with me for the long run and that was the best he could offer. Although disappointed, I understood where he was coming from, even if it took me a while to "get it". It's not that he was trying to be a jerk but rather he just didn't know what the future held for us (he's a realist, too, as am I but I'm also a hopeless romantic!) I can't knock the guy for his beliefs - just need to trust him.
You're not a bad spouse! I've come to the realization, too, that no one knows what the future holds. I trust my husband 100% but I will always have my fears of infidelity. I hope we live long, fruitful and faithful lives but only time will tell.
I am 100% with you. I know what it is like to be cheated on.
My & my bf was together for like 3 years from when I was like 14 to when I was close to turnin 18. So with him i felt like it was true love. We knew each others family went on vacations together etc. Unfortunately that ******* cheated on me 2 times, GOD KNOWS IF MORE, and the final time i had to find out FROM HIS MOTHER! The first time he cheated on me was when I was 16 and he was 19. He begged for forgivness and I forgived him. His mother mentioned him cheating while we was at lunch the week after his affair.
*at this time I was living in FL and commuting back an forth like once a month to NY*
I had went up the weekend like a few days earlier than I told him i was going to be there, and went out for lunch with his mother and 3 sisters. His mom than asked How come I didnt say hi to her last week when i came with him from the club? I was like when? She then said that she heard some noise at like 3 am and saw her son walking into his room with a girl who had medium length hair & thought that I must have gotten extensions since my hair is short. His younger sister who was like 14 said yea that she saw them at the same time walking into his room and was surprised because I never spent the night with him his room alone. Then I didnt mention anything because I didnt want them to cover for him so we continued to eat, although i didnt, too worried. When we got to their house I went to his room and packed my bags and waited to SURPRISE him. When he came I talked to him and just asked him what he did the past week cause he didnt call me? He said that he had worked that weekend...and i asked him what time he came home? he said that he came home at 11pm and went straight to bed...then i told him what his mother told me and what his sister mentioned. he was just shock. he didnt say anything for like a good minute, then he said that he was sorry and for me to forgive him and that he would never do it again. But at that moment I couldnt so i left. When i got back home in fl I had to think what to do? throw away the past 3 years of my life or try to make a life with someone who can very well cheat on me again in 3 weeks???
I couldnt spend my life with a cheater so i didnt forgive him this time. It was over. He tried contacting me for like 2 months straight afterwards but I couldnt do it.
Since that incident though, I have and FIRMLY believe in ZERO TOLERANCE!! If you cheat, your GONE. Cause like they say, once a cheater, always a cheater!
I think that you handled the situation quite well, I wish that I would have handled mine like that. I was at work one night when my boyfriend of two years slept with another girl. I didn't find out until a couple of weeks later. The thing is that he didn't just sleep with her he had been calling her behind my back. He got sick with the flu a couple of days after he slept with her and I skipped class all week to take care of him. He would ask me to go and get soup and stuff and then when I would leave he would call her. Then the following week was Valentines day and I did this HUGE thing for him. He still didn't have the concern to tell me what he had done. When I finally found out I called the girl and she told me everything. The girl was a complete **** and had slept with everyone. I didn't ad still don't understand. I did everything and then some for him. I never lied and never did anything with any other guys. I was a coors light girl and fitness instructor at the time and couldnt understand why he would sleep with someone so nasty. Anyways I broke things off with him but then later got back with him. It was about a year ago and I just barely broke up with him about two months ago. He says that I am safe. That I'm cute and sweet and he never has to worry about me doing anything to hurt him. That he knows I will make a great wife and mother, but that he wants to do what he wants to do. That's what he said to me a year ago. Now he says that he wants to marry me and blah blah blah but he doesn't treat me like that. He does just enough to keep me from getting mad, but to where he can still do what he wants. I dont' really understand this way of thinking. Well all of this to say that I admire the way that you handled your situation. : )
I totally know what you mean. When we first married, I tried to get my husband to "promise me" that he'd never cheat on me or divorce me but he refused to give me that promise. Instead, he said he would never intentionally try to hurt me and that he is with me for the long run and that was the best he could offer. Although disappointed, I understood where he was coming from, even if it took me a while to "get it". It's not that he was trying to be a jerk but rather he just didn't know what the future held for us (he's a realist, too, as am I but I'm also a hopeless romantic!) I can't knock the guy for his beliefs - just need to trust him.
You're not a bad spouse! I've come to the realization, too, that no one knows what the future holds. I trust my husband 100% but I will always have my fears of infidelity. I hope we live long, fruitful and faithful lives but only time will tell.
Thanks foma! You always seem to show up for me on this forum at the right time and in the right place. I feel better.
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