Close Freind dating a racist (boyfriends, marriage, women, love)
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I have been a Friends with a women since 8th grade. We are now 26-27. I am black and she is Asian.
2 years ago she started to date a guy(white). He is very possessive and does not want her hanging out with her Friends(not just myself or just males but everyone). I had a problem with this but she is a big girl and as long as he does not put his hand one her there is not much i can do.
I knew he did not like me from the start. At 1st i figured it was because I was a guy that was close to his girl Friend. While immature i can see where he was coming from. then is came to light that he did not like me because he felt my Friend enjoyed talking to me too much. As in she would laugh a lot while talking to me. Once again I thought this was silly and childish, but i could see it.
But a few months ago my Friend let me know that the real reason he does not like me or want her to talk to me is because of my race. At first it did not bother me. Not because I thought he was right, but I do not let other people hang ups become my issue.
But the problem I am having is not with him, but the idea that my friend could be with someone that has those views. And now I am looking at her different. She now calls me during the day as she is banned from talking to me to. I am no longer welcome in her home as they live together now.
1st should I really be hurt by this?
2nd should I put up with it?
This is a bit difficult because we are close (like sister/bother). And before people ask. We never went out or slept together. I have been here through her marriage and divorce, and I am currently engaged myself. She is even supposed to be in my wedding but no idea how that is going to happen since she is "not talking to me" in her BF's mind.
I have been a Friends with a women since 8th grade. We are now 26-27. I am black and she is Asian.
2 years ago she started to date a guy(white). He is very possessive and does not want her hanging out with her Friends(not just myself or just males but everyone). I had a problem with this but she is a big girl and as long as he does not put his hand one her there is not much i can do.
I knew he did not like me from the start. At 1st i figured it was because I was a guy that was close to his girl Friend. While immature i can see where he was coming from. then is came to light that he did not like me because he felt my Friend enjoyed talking to me too much. As in she would laugh a lot while talking to me. Once again I thought this was silly and childish, but i could see it.
But a few months ago my Friend let me know that the real reason he does not like me or want her to talk to me is because of my race. At first it did not bother me. Not because I thought he was right, but I do not let other people hang ups become my issue.
But the problem I am having is not with him, but the idea that my friend could be with someone that has those views. And now I am looking at her different. She now calls me during the day as she is banned from talking to me to. I am no longer welcome in her home as they live together now.
1st should I really be hurt by this?
2nd should I put up with it?
This is a bit difficult because we are close (like sister/bother). And before people ask. We never went out or slept together. I have been here through her marriage and divorce, and I am currently engaged myself. She is even supposed to be in my wedding but no idea how that is going to happen since she is "not talking to me" in her BF's mind.
As sad as your side of the story sounds, there might be another side of the story that you may not even aware of LIOC. His negative reactions towards you, I bet if anything, is not because of your race, and even though your friend said so. There might be something rocky going on in their relationship that might cause him to become very possessive of her -- whether it be he might think that she has "things to hide from him", etc. Before you know the whole story, don't jump into conclusions, and just let your "friend" deal with her relationship on her own terms. Don't get involved, but just be there to be her friendly ear.
And if I were in your shoes, I would let her know that I would NOT be calling her at all because it seems that calling her causes her and her BF to fight. In fact, if I were you, I would tell HER to call me whenever she wants to talk. That way, it's UP TO HER to decide on what to do. If she decides to never call you again, then you know for sure where your friendship stands in her eyes.
He was possessive from the start. She said she could deal with it. So I let it be. She is cut off from all her friends male and female. He would call up crying, claiming panic attacks becuse she came out with our group for a happy hour. I am just the only one left because we have been close for a long time. That is part of the reason I feel so bad. If I bail on her to he will be the only one in her life. She is not close with her family.
I am not involved in her relationship. I don't even ask about it. She is just so use to talking to me about things like this she brings it up. I tell her she knows what I think and I am not getting into it because she is old enough to do what she has to.
I don't call her. She calls me. That is the way it has always been. I am bad at picking up the phone to call people. Only time I would call her is to make plans and since she is out of the group I don't call her. I tryed for a year to get him to join us as well before I gave up and realized it was not happeing. But we still talk about 5 times a week w/ her calling me. She still calls me her best Friend but after this I am seeing her different.
I did not jump to the conclusion, he stated it was my race. I do not believe my Friend would lie about something like that. Like a said I always thought it was just because I was a guy. I know us guys can be very insecure at times.
He was possessive from the start. She said she could deal with it. So I let it be. She is cut off from all her friends male and female. He would call up crying, claiming panic attacks becuse she came out with our group for a happy hour. I am just the only one left because we have been close for a long time. That is part of the reason I feel so bad. If I bail on her to he will be the only one in her life. She is not close with her family.
I am not involved in her relationship. I don't even ask about it. She is just so use to talking to me about things like this she brings it up. I tell her she knows what I think and I am not getting into it because she is old enough to do what she has to.
I don't call her. She calls me. That is the way it has always been. I am bad at picking up the phone to call people. Only time I would call her is to make plans and since she is out of the group I don't call her. I tryed for a year to get him to join us as well before I gave up and realized it was not happeing. But we still talk about 5 times a week w/ her calling me. She still calls me her best Friend but after this I am seeing her different.
I did not jump to the conclusion, he stated it was my race. I do not believe my Friend would lie about something like that. Like a said I always thought it was just because I was a guy. I know us guys can be very insecure at times.
I'm not stating that your friend would lie to you, but I'm saying that your friend might have gotten the same thought as you do w/o even knowing the real reason why. Look, as a man, you should know that some men do and say stupid things. In cases like this, SHE is in the losing situation, and until she gets that in her head, she will keep losing her friends, including you. Even though you and your friend agree that it's your race that "gave the BF" a beef for you, I highly doubt that's the "only" reason why he's putting off negative vibes about you. Again, it's all up to your friend when it comes to this relationship, and sounds like your friend is not making the right choices in her life.
I think that the majority of her boyfriend's dislike for you is because you are a close male friend of hers. The fact that you are black may be a part of that dislike, but a much smaller part of it.
For instance, if you were white, she still wouldn't be allowed to see you. As some else suggested, just let your friend know that she can call you up anytime. Then just leave her alone.
She has been dating this guy for 2 years and she is still in the honeymoon phase of her relationship where her reason is clouded by her strong romantic feelings for him. In another year or so, she will start to see the relationship more realistically and without her rose coloured glasses on.
I have been a Friends with a women since 8th grade. We are now 26-27. I am black and she is Asian.
2 years ago she started to date a guy(white). He is very possessive and does not want her hanging out with her Friends(not just myself or just males but everyone). I had a problem with this but she is a big girl and as long as he does not put his hand one her there is not much i can do.
I knew he did not like me from the start. At 1st i figured it was because I was a guy that was close to his girl Friend. While immature i can see where he was coming from. then is came to light that he did not like me because he felt my Friend enjoyed talking to me too much. As in she would laugh a lot while talking to me. Once again I thought this was silly and childish, but i could see it.
But a few months ago my Friend let me know that the real reason he does not like me or want her to talk to me is because of my race. At first it did not bother me. Not because I thought he was right, but I do not let other people hang ups become my issue.
But the problem I am having is not with him, but the idea that my friend could be with someone that has those views. And now I am looking at her different. She now calls me during the day as she is banned from talking to me to. I am no longer welcome in her home as they live together now.
1st should I really be hurt by this?
2nd should I put up with it?
This is a bit difficult because we are close (like sister/bother). And before people ask. We never went out or slept together. I have been here through her marriage and divorce, and I am currently engaged myself. She is even supposed to be in my wedding but no idea how that is going to happen since she is "not talking to me" in her BF's mind.
Here's the deal. Your friend is dating a potential abuser, which is even worse than his being a racist. He has all the classic trademarks such as separating her from all her friends or dictating who she can and can't interact with. His modus operandi is to isolate her so that he can run every single aspect of her life. Personally, if my SO "banned" me from talking to a longtime friend, then I would flush her immediately.
And that's your friend's problem. She evidently doesn't have enough spine to tell him ****.
Normally, I don't endorse interfering in other people's romances. At the same time, for her sake you really need to be the objective voice. Do some research online about behavior characteristics of abusive personalities and hand them to her. She's in trouble, and doesn't even seem to realize it yet.
Unfortunately, there is not much you can do. Backing out of her life at this point would be a good idea. Apparently, she knows what's going on too, to an extent if she is 'sneaking' behind her boyfriends back to call you on the phone. With his personality traits, if the two of you get caught talking, he could go postal. It's best not to deal with psychos like this and hopefully your friend will wake up soon before it's too late.
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