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EXCELLENT post -- that's exactly what I've been finding (as a 45-year-old woman). And it's difficult for me because I'm NOT the type to pursue a man. I don't mind calling them sometimes, of course, but I don't want to be doing most of the calling and date planning. It would make me feel as if the man isn't really interested and is just playing along.
It takes TWO to form a relationship. If there isn't give and take on both sides, then it doesn't really develop. I'm sorry, but I don't think I should be having to constantly prove myself to a man. I've dealt with my share of "slings and arrows," too, but there's a difference between being careful and being suspicious/jaded.
I agree that it takes two to form the relationship (sounds a bit obvious, not trying to be trite or sarcastic) but the initial start can come from one side. At least it sounds as you are aware of that even if it is difficult for you to be the initiator. My post was simply relaying why it might be difficult for a lady to attract someone that is more stable and set in their ways. Onglet39 simply misunderstands someone like me as evidenced by her feeling my previous post was defensive. Not in any way. I have nothing to prove that I really care to do so.
It was just a shrug (in writing) of the shoulders. She asked but was unprepared for the answer. No skin off my nose. I must admit from her responses, though she may be a really good looking gal, (I have no knowledge of this since I have never seen a picture or met her before) she lacks the maturity and intellect to connect up with someone like me. Meaning no disrespect because there are probably many other better guys she can meet up with.
Her focus is entirely on herself and not on what someone else needs might be. Perhaps this is due to desperation of being faced with the sudden need for financial security that being Divorced has caused for her. For that she gets my sympathy. But she will never get more than that. Once again, this not trying to be mean, it is just logic.
Interesting question. I am a 50 year old single male so perhaps have something to add. You will not find me on a dating site, it just is not my kind of thing. I am not all that interested in casual sex since I believe things always come at a price. Not to say I am against sex (will not more than 3 times a day at most) just that it is not everything anymore at my age.
So how would you make yourself more attractive to someone like me? Not easily because you would have to do something that is hard for women to do. You would have to find me and pursue me (and that is not due to my ego problems). People like me are not in bars or mall hangouts. Most likely you would only encounter us as a neighbor or at work or out shopping. Be aware that truly mature men are suspicious and wary. We may really love to have a long term relationship but the slings and arrows of time have taken their toll.
Physical attractiveness is a plus but it is also a negative if you think it entitles you to attention. A big heart, a bigger smile and genuine interest in my well being would be dangerously attractive. I better shut up now since I am giving away State Secrets.
Hi MattB4,
I was that way in my late 20s. Its out of sight out of mind. I would guess there is a supply of men who do not look. Most of the men in circulation are probably picked over. Some kind of male dominated hobby might work. There were times in my life where I really just didn't think about it. On the other hand if I ran into to someone desirable, they would have been in sight and possibly have come to mind.
So, are you guys trying to say this: Men who are of the quality a woman want to be in a relationship with simply aren't walking around with "dating" on their minds. They may become interested if they should come across someone they find attractive and intriguing, but other than that they are just living life without thinking "I should be dating."
You are correct gwynedd1. It is getting yourself in sight that I was advising Onglet39 to do. She will not be seen by speed dating or using dating sites by the guys that are not in circulation. So your advice about finding them through getting interested in a male dominated area/hobby is good.
@ Onglet39: Yes, you have got it!
Last edited by MattB4; 04-25-2010 at 08:03 PM..
Reason: Saw onglet39's post
Hmmm, I have a new racing bike, was thinking of joining a cycling league. maybe I need to get going with that, pronto...! The sport looks to be 70% men, it's something I legitimately enjoy, and I get to wear something skin tight which won't be construed as slutty.
It's been a few weeks since I decided to really try to start dating again. Being more practical, I revised my age requirements upward, and decided to do away with all physical ones (except for too overweight).
So far, I've only attracted men who want to have sex with me right away, and if I don't do it, they are gone.
So what I am asking is, men, how can I do a better job of screening guys so that I'm not wasting my time early on? What should I be looking for, if I go back online (as I am considering) are there certain things I should write in my profiles, and are there certain things I look look for in their profiles? Any particular red flags come to mind?
Sorry...I'm a gal. But I have to ask...it sounds like you are doing the online thing, so...if you are not interested in casual sex, then why don't you simply state what you are looking for in your profile? I do...er, did.
Sorry...I'm a gal. But I have to ask...it sounds like you are doing the online thing, so...if you are not interested in casual sex, then why don't you simply state what you are looking for in your profile? I do...er, did.
No, I said in my opening post "IF" I do the online thing again. I haven't done that in well over a year. I'm not sure I'll go back to it, to be honest. I'm not sure its the right thing for me.
No, I said in my opening post "IF" I do the online thing again. I haven't done that in well over a year. I'm not sure I'll go back to it, to be honest. I'm not sure its the right thing for me.
So, are you guys trying to say this: Men who are of the quality a woman want to be in a relationship with simply aren't walking around with "dating" on their minds. They may become interested if they should come across someone they find attractive and intriguing, but other than that they are just living life without thinking "I should be dating."
As context to my comment: I'm right in your age range and single never married.
Most guys are like this- they aren't looking for serious upfront. And the ones who are need to be treated with caution. Guys who are deliberately seeking something serious off the bat are often some variation of a Momma's Boy, and are ultimately more dangerous than casual sex seekers because they'll prematurely suck you in with romance and affection.
In reading your post I think you might want to take a whole different approach to "filtering." Instead of focusing on the guy's intent so much just try to find ones with whom you share common interests and backgrounds (especially in terms of education or language level) and just go with the flow. Finding someone that's on your wavelength makes things simple.
Don't withhold sex you may want as some kind of test but just pursue that based on your authentic feelings about the guy. You will have some false starts in relationships but if you focus on just these basics, you may find a guy that's interested in a LTR. But he has to come that conclusion on his own- the thing most guys hate more than almost anything else is being pressured or manipulated, even subtlety.
As context to my comment: I'm right in your age range and single never married.
Most guys are like this- they aren't looking for serious upfront. And the ones who are need to be treated with caution. Guys who are deliberately seeking something serious off the bat are often some variation of a Momma's Boy, and are ultimately more dangerous than casual sex seekers because they'll prematurely suck you in with romance and affection.
In reading your post I think you might want to take a whole different approach to "filtering." Instead of focusing on the guy's intent so much just try to find ones with whom you share common interests and backgrounds (especially in terms of education or language level) and just go with the flow. Finding someone that's on your wavelength makes things simple.
Don't withhold sex you may want as some kind of test but just pursue that based on your authentic feelings about the guy. You will have some false starts in relationships but if you focus on just these basics, you may find a guy that's interested in a LTR. But he has to come that conclusion on his own- the thing most guys hate more than almost anything else is being pressured or manipulated, even subtlety.
Another good point.
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