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MM, you said in the OP that she is agonizing over telling him? Is she afraid he'll find out that she never mentioned it or is she afraid that he'll think less of her because of it?
She feels guilty that she didn't disclose the information. Anyone with a consious knows that guilt can put you through the worst agony.
I don't understand her guilt as she never did anything wrong by her fiance. She treats him like a king, but who am I to judge how she feels?
But it's also confusion on whether or not she should even bring it up and fear of what would happen if she did. In a way, maybe, if he really loves her, he will not care about her past, I still think she shouldn't say anything.
Thanks everyone for replies, interesting opinions.
If I was her, I wouldn't tell him. When her previous marriage was discussed and he asked why they got divorced, she told him that they became different people and drifted apart beyond repair, which technically is the truth. She had seen what infidelity did to her marriage and she swore to never do it again. I don't see what good it would do for her to tell him.
So they had a discussion and she already lied to him? Perhaps not technically, but surely in spirit.
If she feels so bad about it, perhaps she needs to say something, if only for her own peace.
She feels guilty that she didn't disclose the information. Anyone with a consious knows that guilt can put you through the worst agony.
I don't understand her guilt as she never did anything wrong by her fiance. She treats him like a king, but who am I to judge how she feels?
But it's also confusion on whether or not she should even bring it up and fear of what would happen if she did. In a way, maybe, if he really loves her, he will not care about her past, I still think she shouldn't say anything.
Yes, guilt can eat you up inside but I don't think she has anything to gain, other than to clear her conscience, by telling him now. They probably wouldn't be getting married if he didn't believe that she was a good woman and good for him. Everybody deserves another chance at happiness.
So they had a discussion and she already lied to him? Perhaps not technically, but surely in spirit.
If she feels so bad about it, perhaps she needs to say something, if only for her own peace.
I really don't think she lied. If you read my original post, they already had problems before her infidelity and they did drift apart majorly. Did she go into details of what happened towards the end of their marriage? No. But I really don't think she lied, neither technically nor in "spirit".
Yes, guilt can eat you up inside but I don't think she has anything to gain, other than to clear her conscience, by telling him now. They probably wouldn't be getting married if he didn't believe that she was a good woman and good for him. Everybody deserves another chance at happiness.
I think so. I want her to be happy. She is a good woman!
She feels guilty that she didn't disclose the information. Anyone with a consious knows that guilt can put you through the worst agony.
I don't understand her guilt as she never did anything wrong by her fiance. She treats him like a king, but who am I to judge how she feels?
But it's also confusion on whether or not she should even bring it up and fear of what would happen if she did. In a way, maybe, if he really loves her, he will not care about her past, I still think she shouldn't say anything.
I would say to her that, given she feels some guilt that she was evasive, if it ever comes up again (and she shouldn't be the one to bring it up) to say what a previous poster said--just that they drifted apart and that both of them contributed to the failure of the marriage but that it is all water under the bridge now and is a closed chapter.
I would say to her that, given she feels some guilt that she was evasive, if it ever comes up again (and she shouldn't be the one to bring it up) to say what a previous poster said--just that they drifted apart and that both of them contributed to the failure of the marriage but that it is all water under the bridge now and is a closed chapter.
Yes, that's pretty much what she said already...she just needs to make it clear that "both" of them were at fault.
Someone close to me is getting married a second time. Her first marriage fell apart for many reasons, but the main reason was her infidelity. She felt neglected in her marriage so she cheated. She later confessed it to her ex-husband and they could never get pass that.
Right now, she is agonizing whether or not she should have disclosed this information to her fiance. My opinion is that what happened in the first marriage is the past that doesn't need to be rehashed. She is not a perpetual cheater, she regretted cheating and wouldn't want to put herself in this position again. So I don't think she needs to tell. She feels bad that her fiance doesn't know.
What is your opinion? Don't you think that sometimes the past should stay in the past?
I'm sure a smart person said this somewhere once before, but when the little voice inside your head is telling u to do something then you better do it.
If she's feeling bad then she already has her answer.
Fact is she doesn't want to tell him cause a person who cheats has a fatal character flaw, even more so one that steps out on their marriage!
The old saying "Once a Cheat always a Cheat" tends to be true almost 99.9% of time.
I really don't think she lied. If you read my original post, they already had problems before her infidelity and they did drift apart majorly. Did she go into details of what happened towards the end of their marriage? No. But I really don't think she lied, neither technically nor in "spirit".
Deliberately omitting facts one knows to be relevant to a discussion is not technically lying, but that is certainly not the expectation outside of a courtroom.
From a practical standpoint, I agree, there is no logic in saying anything. Trying to create moral justification, however -- well, if it she felt it were morally acceptable I doubt we would be having this conversation.
I'll go against the grain and say she probably should level with him. It's bothering her, and that's reason enough to fess-up. Until the dirty laundry is aired, she's going to feel like she's holding back on the truth, whether it's important to him or not.
They're not yet married. The fact that she cheated on her former husband shouldn't bother her fiance in the least, but if it does, it's better that it bothers him now rather than later.
She might be a very smart woman, but most of us have a hard time being honest with a spouse about 99 percent of our past and not the other 1 percent. That one percent wants to merge with the other 99 percent -- so either open communication with our spouse suffers or the little secret finally pops out by accident. (My late wife was always doing that. *LOL* It was funny.)
No, I don't think your friend's fiance has any RIGHT to all her secrets, but I do think couples can be much closer if neither are withholding information about past lives.
This is simply an opinion and it could be wrong in this case. I'm the type that doesn't care what my wife did before she met me -- whether she was a Sunday school teacher or a hooker. *shrugs* It's what she is now that counts, and current honesty means a lot more than past deeds.
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