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As you are aware, hunting is another of those divisive topics, and it's really not polite to force divisive topics on someone who has previously informed you that they do not wish to hear it, as I'm sure your daughter-in-law had done based on your own comments.
Killing an animal for sport may be okay in your book, but it is not okay in many other people's. It is the end of a being's life, and though you may be comfortable playing a role in that, there is no reason to subject your daughter-in-law in having to visualize it as well.
As to whether your daughter-in-law works, how much money she spends, what role she plays in household chores...it's just not your place to concern yourself with these things.
It's natural to feel defensive for your child and to feel that he is perfect in all of this, but as the saying goes, 'it takes two to tango' and who knows what role he is truly playing inside their marriage? He might be a real handful himself - the only ones who truly know are the two people inside the marriage.
I don't doubt that your daughter-in-law has some personality flaws, but I can see where some of what you are doing might upset her and cause some distance between the two of you.
well, other then the hunting, what else might I be doing wrong...I was never one to interfer, but no matter what you do, you are walking on egg shells with her...and I don't discuss hunting...I simply happened to mention a situation...hunting is a culture, and I was raised in a home that needed meat on the table to survive...I also learned to hunt and would never discuss the situation, with anyone who disapproves of hunting....therefore, I believe that made you biased right from the start. And I just want to elaborate the hunting issue with you, by saying, we never ever hunted for sport...it was always b/c we needed to eat. I don't know to many hunters who hunted strickly for sport. Oh, there are a few, but most hunters do not.
Now, back to the subject....
We are talking about a girl whom my son's father's side of the family has stated they cannot go for more then 3 days b/c they cannot stand how manipulative she is. They shook their heads when they found out I was going for 7 days. I thought motherhood had changed her, given her a different perspective, but she is now more then ever, jealous of her daughters affections for me.
I back off rather then fight, I am not a fighter, and perhaps writing this to help myself understand from a different persepctive other then emotional.
I had asked my son, when they were home if we could all go to counseling, but I suppose he never mentioned it to her.
Is my son, perfect, heck no! but he was a joy to be around, to raise, and all his friends, and I mean, many of them, used to tell me how much they enjoyed him.
She used to erase emails he got from friends before he would see them, and not give him messages when they called.
She lied to him about how I treated her...when all the time, I was in a state of shock, as to her attitude and meanness when I got down there after they were first married.
Also, when we went out...they were arguing at the bar...I asked her sister, what they were fighting about, she said..."oh, he's mad b/c we made a bet with each other, which one of us could pick up a guy first" and he told her it was an embarrasing game to play in front of his mother...which it was...I was indeed shocked...and her sister seemed to enjoy the entire situation and laughed.
When my son is around she is sweet and kind...when he is not, she slams doors, gets this angry look on her face and snaps at me, sometimes very meanly. I just back off, cuz somehow I know, fighting her would escalate the situation beyond my wildest dreams.
and yes, I know it's his choice, and I'm so darned disappointed in his choice...not to mention how hard he works to support his child and wife. Is it any of my business, probably not, but when you find your child in this situation, it is upsetting, to say the least.
I have no other alternative then to back off...I don't want to cause more problems for him, or put him in a situation of having to choose sides. He was always a very well behaved loving child...who was a people magnet. Now, they have very very few friends at all.
Sad....the whole situation is just sad...and I find it amazing the pain that some people can cause without a second thought.
My entire family hates her...I don't, I hate her behavior and wish she'd seek out counseling. Sometimes I can't help but feel sorry for her, until she displays that evil side of herself..it is kinda scarey.....but there is this very pleasant side of her, when she's happy, (which isn't very often) but then she's a joy...I believe her childhood was very bad...her mother abandoned them...no one knows where her brother is...her sister is worse then she is, and another sister is a drug addict living in cheap hotel rooms. Very disfunctional family.
So, believe me, hunting isn't the only issue and I promisie, I do try to avoid issues that I know would offend her or set her off.... but this one slipped out....and it is sometimes hard to know what will upset her.
I used to care, but I don't anymore, actually, I really don't care if she likes me or not....cuz I can honestly tell you, I don't care for her attitude at all...
Once...the entire family loaded up into a horse and carriage ride, and she stood in front of the horse, arguing and crying with him...do you know what that was all about...she thought it was mean to ask the horse to pull the carriage???????? I mean it's all about her????? And she is oblivious to the feelings of others.
I guess deep down inside, I wish like anything she'd seek help...that way there would be a chance for my son's happiness....for him to realize a normal life, not to mention, I worry about their daughter...b/c eventaully I fear, she will smother her so badly, that she will loose her.
My grand daughter is very much like her mother already. She is only 5 years old and my daughter in law will not allow her to stay overnight at the grand parents home?????? Her daughter is her doll.
So yes, I agree, there are probably things I've done wrong...but this is one of those extreme cases of abusive behavior and not just about hunting.
also, I've observed my son in the situation...b/c he answered her in a very tired way...meaning, he had picked me up at the airport, it was late and he was tired after working all day, he said "honey, I don't know' and she screamed at him....and when I mentioned it...he didn't even remember it. yes, she is indeed just like my son's father's wife...but he is like his father, very passive, kind, considerate...but he is stubborn....in some instances he will listen and weigh the entire picture, and in other instances, he can be stubborn. But he isn't mean....or nasty...and he has a great sense of humor and finds humor in most anything...I suppose it's his way of dealing with the harder parts of life.
thanks so much for your reply
Creme
Last edited by cremebrulee; 07-02-2007 at 11:23 AM..
Sounds very much like my daughter-in-law and son. It hurts. I'm still adjusting to the knowledge I might never see my son and grandchildren again because of a blowup this spring.
I only get to visit my family in PA once or twice a year, they visited me in NM once in the last 9 years. All their holidays/vacation are spent with her family who live in PA--they see them daily. When I've visited I've heard things like "we can't come for Thanksgiving dinner because we're going to her family." It was one Thanksgiving out all the years. When my daughter lived in the Seattle area my DIL gave my son a birthday present--she flew him to visit on Friday, he stayed on Saturday and flew back on Sunday! She made the arrangements and surprised him.
Early in the marriage on one visit my son and I sat on the front porch and he told me they were having problems and he had suggested they go for marriage counseling (I was really proud of my son for being willing to ask for help.) She refused (she has a BA in pscyhology!) When she took me to the airport she told me how my visit had stressed them out and caused problems because they had to clean the house. In addition, she was mad at me because he told me about the problems they were having (was she listening in the upstairs bedroom?) He didn't go into details, he said that and she wouldn't go and we moved on to other subjects. I didn't think anything of it except I was glad he could go for help before it got worst--I wish I had that much sense when I was married. I told her it was good he felt he had a third person (who safer than his mother) to talk to and I was glad he felt he could talk to me--as women we know that talking about things helps us work it out and I wished that same for my son. I wish my ex had someone he could have talked to when he couldn't talk to me. I said she talked to her mother daily. She said she didn't talk about their problems which I did not believe. My son has never talked to me about personal things again. I'm guessing he is bottling it up to keep peace.
In between my visits, he rarely called and when I called they were very short conversations. When they got an email address, it was in her name so I asked if he had one. Her reply was that they have no secrets from each other. So who wanted to share secrets? They need to have a good relationship for my grandson's sake--I had no desire to talk about her. I might not understand why he loves her but it is his life. He isn't one to talk on the phone and either am I--I like writing. I would have shared my life by writing to him instead. Everything has to go thru her.
I have excused her behavior towards me because I knew she came from a family that was a real mess and she took the role of the one who fixed her parents and siblings problems. I never looked to her to fix me and learned early on that when I talked about books I enjoyed, she was taking it as criticism and I quit sharing books. For a long time, I stayed with my brother when I visited but eventually when they invited me, I would stay a couple of days with them (learned that 3 days was the best amount of time.)
I think she is a vibrant, very intelligent and wonderful mother. We don't have a lot in common but I recognize her drive (very much into making money and works hard) and she loves my son and grandchildren. We have that in common. I kept my feelings to myself about my son not calling me or talking to me about anything real. I walked on eggshells feeling like I might never see my grandchildren or son if I said anything. I took what was offered and enjoyed the time I did have with them.
Last Christmas when I visited I saw how much effort my DIL had made. My youngest son and his girlfriend (I love this woman) told me we had all been invited to the shore for a week in August. I didn't remember the invitation but also would have assumed I wasn't included because of our history. So I took it as me being too sensitive and and this spring when I got an email from my DIL saying she was looking forward to spending time in August, I assumed I was invited. I emailed her back and said I was looking forward to going to the shore with them (we do well when we are doing something together instead of trying to find topics to talk about.) I got an email back saying she was sorry but there was no room for me--they spent the first week with her family and the second week with only friends--no parents including my ex and her family (both they see all the time.) It did include all my children and their partners and friends they see daily. But what finished it for me was when she typed NOT TO MAKE A BIG ISSUE ABOUT IT. Yes, all in caps. That is my trigger. No one tells me how to feel or what to do about my feelings--certainly threatening me outright is dangerous ground to be on.
I decided I had enough of feeling like a hostage and maybe she had matured enough that we could clear the air between us and have a real relationship. So I wrote her about the things that have happened and how I felt.
I have been interested in how conflict is resolved (have taken conflict workshops, read a lot and try to practice when faced with issues that need to be addressed--ugh--don't like conflict and tend to run--bet ya couldn't tell I knew not to make attacks or assumptions about her motives. I stuck with my feelings and what happened. Whoa. I got an email back that was vicious. I read a few lines full of "you" this and you that and decided I should ask my wonderfully balanced sister-in-law to read both my email to the DIL and the reply and let me know if I should read it and if I said something that could be taken as inappropriate and hurtful. I was afraid I would never be able to talk to the DIL again if I read her venom. My brother and sister-in-law both said there was nothing hurtful in my email and the response was off the wall and do not read it. They kept it in case there are future problems and I deleted it. I later found out the DIL had also sent an email to my brother and parents claiming I was trying to breakup their marriage. That was just evil--my parents are struggling with my bipolar sister and their own health issues in their 80s. Fortunately my brother told them not to read it (I have wonderful supportive loving parents--I was blessed.) I received two voice messages from my son -- the last one saying he couldn't take anymore and he loved her and would always love her. I called and left a message that this was blown out of proportion--I never asked him not to love her or have to choose--I am glad he loves her--he needs to love her for his children's sake. I wrote her another email apologizing for not talking to her years ago about how I felt and I was sorry it upset her. I got a nasty one back.
I wrote him a letter and sent it to my brother because I don't trust that the DIL will give it to him. I found out last week my son would not pick it up because "they" were insulted because I didn't send it to their house. Mother's Day there were flowers from them on the front porch (I haven't received anything on mothers day in years.) I was confused--did they send them before the blowup? I sent a thank you postcard for the flowers. The birthday card and check I sent for my grandson in May was never cashed.
I have never heard from them again. A sane person would have responded that she was surprised, whatever her feelings were and sorry I felt that way and she hadn't meant to ....you know--talk about how she felt. I didn't have to be right but I did need to say how I felt. In some ways it is a relief to have it in the open but mostly I wish I would have kept my mouth shut. For some reason, I did not trust my instincts and thought we could resolve it. But I dislike trusting negative instincts. Unfortunately my instincts have all been proven right and she has used everything she can to alienate my son further and he has chosen to go along with it. I hope my future instincts about her are wrong for his sake. I did send a postcard from VA last week but am thinking for my sake, I need to stop trying altogether. I told my youngest that if it is not resolved in my lifetime I wanted him to know what happened and that I did not want it to be this way. His feelings have been hurt too because they don't keep in touch with him either. I love my son and grandsons. I can not live in PA for many reasons so it makes it more difficult for them to keep in contact. I didn't expect weekly or even monthly calls but I did not expect to be treated like this. I also found out she talked to my son's girlfriend (her first time meeting her) at Christmas about me (not nice stuff) and I had thought it went really well! I try to always say good things. Nothing seems to appease her insecurities.
I decided to let it go and not send anything else. I need to figure out what I am doing after I finish college instead of stressing over this. Someone suggested to send a Christmas card once a year with one of those what I've been doing letters. I am unsure what to do when I visit my parents, an hour away from my daughter and son. My daughter didn't want to be in the middle (rightfully so.) I love my children but I now wonder why I wanted children. I ask a friend who desperately wants a child why and she said it is to have someone take care of you when you are old. hahahaha
I did a research project on mother-in-law/daughter-in-laws years ago when this started and learned it is much more problematic than sons-in-law. I love my son-in-law and fortunately also my other son's girlfriend so I guess 2 out of 3 ain't bad.
I know this wasn't helpful in what to do Cremebrulee but you aren't alone. It hurts a hell of a lot--I thought children couldn't divorce you. More practice in loving someone but letting go yet being there if they need me. It is their journey. We've got to figure out ours.
Last edited by Dancingearth; 07-02-2007 at 11:48 AM..
I am not allowed to even speak of hunting in general conversation, b/c she hates hunting…
Again, from your own words, this doesn't sound like something that 'just slipped out once', it sounds like you feel silenced by not being able to bring it up in general conversation whenever you'd like in HER home.
You are labelling me as biased when you do not know whether or not I myself am a hunter. It may be that I simply do not discuss the issue with non-hunters because I know how divisive the subject is.
Really, your situation sounds more like a culture clash than anything else. You the hunter, she who feels sorrow for the horse pulling the carriage. You expecting her to play a more traditional role (cooking, cleaning, laundry), she who doesn't seem to fall into that role at all.
Neither is right or wrong, just very different.
I have a mother-in-law who would like nothing better than for me to wipe the slate clean of my entire existence and follow "her ways". She would like me to follow her religion, cook her recipes, live on her side of town, speak in her dialect, decorate my house in her style and on and on and on.
I have no intentions of changing who I am and I would never dream of asking my MIL to do so. We are who we are because of the lives we've lived, and we've lived very different lives.
But when I enter my MIL's home, I play by her rules. I watch my language, I steer clear of topics that I know would upset her, I hold my tongue when she discusses her beliefs - she knows where I stand - I don't need to remind her, nor do I need to try and change her beliefs.
Why not have a heart-to-heart with your daughter-in-law? Acknowledge the differences between you, but point out the common ground too - most importantly the deep love you both share for your son and granddaughter. Sometimes we have to adjust our own behavior to keep the peace with family members. Reach out to her on her level and you might be suprised at how much the situation cools down.
Sounds very much like my daughter-in-law and son. It hurts. I'm still adjusting to the knowledge I might never see my son and grandchildren again because of a blowup this spring.
I only get to visit my family in PA once or twice a year, they visited me in NM once in the last 9 years. All their holidays/vacation are spent with her family who live in PA--they see them daily. When I've visited I've heard things like "we can't come for Thanksgiving dinner because we're going to her family." It was one Thanksgiving out all the years. When my daughter lived in the Seattle area my DIL gave my son a birthday present--she flew him to visit on Friday, he stayed on Saturday and flew back on Sunday! She made the arrangements and surprised him.
Early in the marriage on one visit my son and I sat on the front porch and he told me they were having problems and he had suggested they go for marriage counseling (I was really proud of my son for being willing to ask for help.) She refused (she has a BA in pscyhology!) When she took me to the airport she told me how my visit had stressed them out and caused problems because they had to clean the house. In addition, she was mad at me because he told me about the problems they were having (was she listening in the upstairs bedroom?) He didn't go into details, he said that and she wouldn't go and we moved on to other subjects. I didn't think anything of it except I was glad he could go for help before it got worst--I wish I had that much sense when I was married. I told her it was good he felt he had a third person (who safer than his mother) to talk to and I was glad he felt he could talk to me--as women we know that talking about things helps us work it out and I wished that same for my son. I wish my ex had someone he could have talked to when he couldn't talk to me. I said she talked to her mother daily. She said she didn't talk about their problems which I did not believe. My son has never talked to me about personal things again. I'm guessing he is bottling it up to keep peace.
In between my visits, he rarely called and when I called they were very short conversations. When they got an email address, it was in her name so I asked if he had one. Her reply was that they have no secrets from each other. So who wanted to share secrets? They need to have a good relationship for my grandson's sake--I had no desire to talk about her. I might not understand why he loves her but it is his life. He isn't one to talk on the phone and either am I--I like writing. I would have shared my life by writing to him instead. Everything has to go thru her.
I have excused her behavior towards me because I knew she came from a family that was a real mess and she took the role of the one who fixed her parents and siblings problems. I never looked to her to fix me and learned early on that when I talked about books I enjoyed, she was taking it as criticism and I quit sharing books. For a long time, I stayed with my brother when I visited but eventually when they invited me, I would stay a couple of days with them (learned that 3 days was the best amount of time.)
I think she is a vibrant, very intelligent and wonderful mother. We don't have a lot in common but I recognize her drive (very much into making money and works hard) and she loves my son and grandchildren. We have that in common. I kept my feelings to myself about my son not calling me or talking to me about anything real. I walked on eggshells feeling like I might never see my grandchildren or son if I said anything. I took what was offered and enjoyed the time I did have with them.
Last Christmas when I visited I saw how much effort my DIL had made. My youngest son and his girlfriend (I love this woman) told me we had all been invited to the shore for a week in August. I didn't remember the invitation but also would have assumed I wasn't included because of our history. So I took it as me being too sensitive and and this spring when I got an email from my DIL saying she was looking forward to spending time in August, I assumed I was invited. I emailed her back and said I was looking forward to going to the shore with them (we do well when we are doing something together instead of trying to find topics to talk about.) I got an email back saying she was sorry but there was no room for me--they spent the first week with her family and the second week with only friends--no parents including my ex and her family (both they see all the time.) It did include all my children and their partners and friends they see daily. But what finished it for me was when she typed NOT TO MAKE A BIG ISSUE ABOUT IT. Yes, all in caps. That is my trigger. No one tells me how to feel or what to do about my feelings--certainly threatening me outright is dangerous ground to be on.
I decided I had enough of feeling like a hostage and maybe she had matured enough that we could clear the air between us and have a real relationship. So I wrote her about the things that have happened and how I felt.
I have been interested in how conflict is resolved (have taken conflict workshops, read a lot and try to practice when faced with issues that need to be addressed--ugh--don't like conflict and tend to run--bet ya couldn't tell I knew not to make attacks or assumptions about her motives. I stuck with my feelings and what happened. Whoa. I got an email back that was vicious. I read a few lines full of "you" this and you that and decided I should ask my wonderfully balanced sister-in-law to read both my email to the DIL and the reply and let me know if I should read it and if I said something that could be taken as inappropriate and hurtful. I was afraid I would never be able to talk to the DIL again if I read her venom. My brother and sister-in-law both said there was nothing hurtful in my email and the response was off the wall and do not read it. They kept it in case there are future problems and I deleted it. I later found out the DIL had also sent an email to my brother and parents claiming I was trying to breakup their marriage. That was just evil--my parents are struggling with my bipolar sister and their own health issues in their 80s. Fortunately my brother told them not to read it (I have wonderful supportive loving parents--I was blessed.) I received two voice messages from my son -- the last one saying he couldn't take anymore and he loved her and would always love her. I called and left a message that this was blown out of proportion--I never asked him not to love her or have to choose--I am glad he loves her--he needs to love her for his children's sake. I wrote her another email apologizing for not talking to her years ago about how I felt and I was sorry it upset her. I got a nasty one back.
I wrote him a letter and sent it to my brother because I don't trust that the DIL will give it to him. I found out last week my son would not pick it up because "they" were insulted because I didn't send it to their house. Mother's Day there were flowers from them on the front porch (I haven't received anything on mothers day in years.) I was confused--did they send them before the blowup? I sent a thank you postcard for the flowers. The birthday card and check I sent for my grandson in May was never cashed.
I have never heard from them again. A sane person would have responded that she was surprised, whatever her feelings were and sorry I felt that way and she hadn't meant to ....you know--talk about how she felt. I didn't have to be right but I did need to say how I felt. In some ways it is a relief to have it in the open but mostly I wish I would have kept my mouth shut. For some reason, I did not trust my instincts and thought we could resolve it. But I dislike trusting negative instincts. Unfortunately my instincts have all been proven right and she has used everything she can to alienate my son further and he has chosen to go along with it. I hope my future instincts about her are wrong for his sake. I did send a postcard from VA last week but am thinking for my sake, I need to stop trying altogether. I told my youngest that if it is not resolved in my lifetime I wanted him to know what happened and that I did not want it to be this way. His feelings have been hurt too because they don't keep in touch with him either. I love my son and grandsons. I can not live in PA for many reasons so it makes it more difficult for them to keep in contact. I didn't expect weekly or even monthly calls but I did not expect to be treated like this. I also found out she talked to my son's girlfriend (her first time meeting her) at Christmas about me (not nice stuff) and I had thought it went really well! I try to always say good things. Nothing seems to appease her insecurities.
I decided to let it go and not send anything else. I need to figure out what I am doing after I finish college instead of stressing over this. Someone suggested to send a Christmas card once a year with one of those what I've been doing letters. I am unsure what to do when I visit my parents, an hour away from my daughter and son. My daughter didn't want to be in the middle (rightfully so.) I love my children but I now wonder why I wanted children. I ask a friend who desperately wants a child why and she said it is to have someone take care of you when you are old. hahahaha
I did a research project on mother-in-law/daughter-in-laws years ago when this started and learned it is much more problematic than sons-in-law. I love my son-in-law and fortunately also my other son's girlfriend so I guess 2 out of 3 ain't bad.
I know this wasn't helpful in what to do Cremebrulee but you aren't alone. It hurts a hell of a lot--I thought children couldn't divorce you. More practice in loving someone but letting go yet being there if they need me. It is their journey. We've got to figure out ours.
Dancingearth
Listen, don't worry about what you wrote not being helpful...I have already made my decission on what to do...I can't stand confrontation and seeing my son live like this, but more so, understand, the less I am in the picture, the better it will be for my son....and if anything else, it gave you a sounding board and helped me to understand, that there ARE others in the same boat.
both my son and DIL have an email...once she yelled at me for writing them...when she was pregnant, I asked her if she could just forgive and forget, and man did she go off, accusing me of the most ridiculous things...she is one of those people if you argue with her, it gets worse...she's a bully and she's real sharp when it comes to putting the knife in and turning it....sheeesh.....
so, all in all, believe me, I understand....
it has always been my dream to move south...and I thought it would be nice to live near them....not to interfer, but to just be there sometimes....I am a very privet person, and expect people to phone before they come over, and do the same by my friends. I cannot be overwhemed by to much company a lot...as I cherish my quality time...reading, lounging around in PJ's...gardening, etc. Anyway, I was talking about this to my son, and by the way, strangely, he never calls me when she's around, he always calls me on his way to work....(that sends up a flag)...and I happened to send an email to them with some houses...now from the gal who never emails me, she sent one off right away and said, are you planning on moving here....???? I said yes, that would be a perfect world, but would it happen, who knows?
My son, never told her I had planned to move to that state? Why?
Unfortunately, my friend, men (our sons) go where their women want to go...simply b/c they are peace keepers. If the woman doesn't want to visit us, believe me, they will find a way. I think sometimes, my DIL chooses to be nasty to me when he isn't looking, just to let me know, that I'm not welcome...yanno? perhaps I'm wrong?
I'd like to send you hugs from a fellow Mother-in-law and say thank you for understanding....I believe from what you've written you've done the best you could have done given the circumstance, and God only knows how we try. Speaking of which...I don't go to Church, my DIL does....????? Go figure, you'd think it might make her feel like getting along with his family...she and your DIL will unfortuately never understand the pain she is causing for our sons?
Sad....
Hugs to ya, hang in there and thank you sooooo much for sharing....
Luv & understanding
Creme
[quote=riveree;990236]Again, from your own words, this doesn't sound like something that 'just slipped out once', it sounds like you feel silenced by not being able to bring it up in general conversation whenever you'd like in HER home.
You are labelling me as biased when you do not know whether or not I myself am a hunter. It may be that I simply do not discuss the issue with non-hunters because I know how divisive the subject is.
We were walking together, and when I'm having fun I'm happy, and find myself being very nervous, but genuinally myself....and a situation played over in my mind that I wanted to share....I forgot...and I'm sorry I forgot...but I did....we were not in her home....at the time....and yes, you are correst, the subject is very diverse, and sometimes I forget that as well...I suppose because I come from a small town where people hunted while I was growing up to put food on the table....I apologize if I offended you, but it is my culture...
I've had two mother-in-laws that were very interferring and controling, and I tell you true, before my son was ever married, I vowed not to interfer and never do that to my DIL. I have not...or am not a controlling person...actually I'd love more then anything else to have a positive role in my daughter-in-laws life, as I always wanted a daughter and couldn't wait for my son to be married. I have a girlfriend whose DIL's love her, and respect her...mine couldn't care less if I respect her or not...and it works against me, cuz she would be very happy to have me fall off the ends of the earth.
When there is conflict as such...it makes it unhealthy for everyone, this is not just between her and me, but effects all of us....it is sad and painful....and in my book would be so much easier to just allow each other, yanno...
and I've tried harder with her, then I would have anyone else....and given her the benefit of the doubt...and it's been almost 10 years....and I can't do it anymore....she constantly reminds me, that I am rejected and unwanted by her...
I've treated her more like a daughter then probably her own mother ever has...and I believe there are 3 factors involved in this....
1. If she befriended me, it would be in her mind an attmintance that she was wrong....she is a person that could never ever say.."I'm sorry, I was wrong"
2. I believe she's been rejected so many times in her own life, that she fears rejection from me, that is why she purposely sabotaged the relationship right from the beginning...(she was afraid I wouldn't like her, as she owns very little confidence)
3. She has never before in her life, had any one who loved her unconditionally until my son....and so, anyone close to him threatens her....not to mention, now her daughter, who is I might add, the doll she's never had.
When you love someone, you work with them...not against them...you don't charge and charge and run up bills for clothing that you can't afford. He is working 3 jobs...he does the shopping, the wash, ironing...in my book, that is using someone....and believe me, he is just as wrong for enabling her behavior.
I read up on controlling women, b/c I wanted to understand, try to smooth over our relationship, and the more I tried, the more she rejected me. I can't do it anymore...so yeah, we've got a big problem....and yanno, to me, she's won, and I don't care anymore....cuz, sometimes when you win, you really loose and visa versa. I simply do not have the stamina to fight for her anymore.
I decided to let it go and not send anything else. I need to figure out what I am doing after I finish college instead of stressing over this. Someone suggested to send a Christmas card once a year with one of those what I've been doing letters. I am unsure what to do when I visit my parents, an hour away from my daughter and son. My daughter didn't want to be in the middle (rightfully so.) I love my children but I now wonder why I wanted children. I ask a friend who desperately wants a child why and she said it is to have someone take care of you when you are old. hahahaha
What a horrible reasoning...????? I surely can't understand that concept at all...good God, I would dread having someone take care of me when I'm old.
I just wanted you to know, that you will be in my thoughts...
What I choose to do, may not be good for you...but it is the only situation that will seem to work for me.
Riveree...it's so sad to hear you have such a controlling mother in law...I'm very very sorry...I wish it were simply a problem of just being right or wrong....I could very easily deal with that, but I am dealing with a DIL who is very insecure and jealous...but I will say this, at least she is learning to cook more...and a good cook at that...and she does possess some very good characteristics...if only she's have more confidence in herself and not feel so intimidated of anyone who draws close to her husband and child.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment
cemebrulee- have u ever thought of a hitman? (lol). I am sure u have to laught to keep from crying in a tuff situation like that. It sounds like your DIL is a total narcissistic control freak and that your son is not strong enough to take a stand. All we can do is rear our children the best we can and hope and pray for their happiness in life. No matter what u do your DIL is holding the power and your son -her victim is going to stand by her. If I were u I would try to support my son as much as I could. U know be there if he needs to talk, build him up as a man and a human being and let him know u love him. If u overtly interfere in their marriage u r going to be the bad guy, it will make things worse for your son and u run the risk of alienating him. U should not become her victim too though. U r not the one married to her. Do not stand for her abuse u don't have to. U may have to love and support your son from a distance, but at least u will not have the stress of dealing with your DIL and undisciplined grand child. Where I come from we have a simple name for what has happened to your son: we say he is P whipped or she's got his nose open wide. I have never heard of a cure other than leaving. It does not sound like your son wants to be cured. Anyway u slice it the decision to get out has to be his. If he doesn't make a move u can't make one for him. I hope u find the strength to do what u can for yourself. I hope u come to terms with the realization u cannot fix what is wrong in your sons marriage no matter how much u want to. Good luck
Riveree...it's so sad to hear you have such a controlling mother in law...I'm very very sorry...I wish it were simply a problem of just being right or wrong....I could very easily deal with that, but I am dealing with a DIL who is very insecure and jealous...but I will say this, at least she is learning to cook more...and a good cook at that...and she does possess some very good characteristics...if only she's have more confidence in herself and not feel so intimidated of anyone who draws close to her husband and child.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment
Oh it's okay really - she annoys me, but for the most part I laugh it off. She's worked her magic on her other daughter-in-laws, but her powers are ineffective on me .
It sounds like you've done a good job raising your son to be a loving and confident person, you just might be able to have a positive effect on your DIL this way too (never say never !).
Keep the focus on her good points as you've mentioned above and YOU may feel better in all this.
p.s. If DIL is not allowing your granddaughter unsupervised visits with the maternal grandparents, there may be a very good reason why - she may be protecting the child.
Well you see.....your finding out all thes things about her from? gossip? he married this woman and you didn't like it, if he is happy thats all that matters, if she threw away the clothes you sent, don't send any, if you visit just blow off what she says and enjoy your son. Let them live their lives even if you don't agree
I think about my 18 yr. old son and if he should marry someone that did not care for us and how I would handle it. I know it would break my heart, he has been such a joy to us, but in reality, I would hope he is happy and take some really, really long trips. I hope things work out for you. Sometimes time takes care of these things.
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I knew not to make attacks or assumptions about her motives. I stuck with my feelings and what happened. Whoa. I got an email back that was vicious. I read a few lines full of "you" this and you that and decided I should ask my wonderfully balanced sister-in-law to read both my email to the DIL and the reply and let me know if I should read it and if I said something that could be taken as inappropriate and hurtful. I was afraid I would never be able to talk to the DIL again if I read her venom. My brother and sister-in-law both said there was nothing hurtful in my email and the response was off the wall and do not read it. They kept it in case there are future problems and I deleted it. I later found out the DIL had also sent an email to my brother and parents claiming I was trying to breakup their marriage. That was just evil--my parents are struggling with my bipolar sister and their own health issues in their 80s. Fortunately my brother told them not to read it (I have wonderful supportive loving parents--I was blessed.) I received two voice messages from my son -- the last one saying he couldn't take anymore and he loved her and would always love her. I called and left a message that this was blown out of proportion--I never asked him not to love her or have to choose--I am glad he loves her--he needs to love her for his children's sake. I wrote her another email apologizing for not talking to her years ago about how I felt and I was sorry it upset her. I got a nasty one back. 
? (lol). I am sure u have to laught to keep from crying in a tuff situation like that. It sounds like your DIL is a total narcissistic control freak and that your son is not strong enough to take a stand. All we can do is rear our children the best we can and hope and pray for their happiness in life. No matter what u do your DIL is holding the power and your son -her victim is going to stand by her. If I were u I would try to support my son as much as I could. U know be there if he needs to talk, build him up as a man and a human being and let him know u love him. If u overtly interfere in their marriage u r going to be the bad guy, it will make things worse for your son and u run the risk of alienating him. U should not become her victim too though. U r not the one married to her. Do not stand for her abuse u don't have to. U may have to love and support your son from a distance, but at least u will not have the stress of dealing with your DIL and undisciplined grand child. Where I come from we have a simple name for what has happened to your son: we say he is P whipped or she's got his nose open wide. I have never heard of a cure other than leaving. It does not sound like your son wants to be cured. Anyway u slice it the decision to get out has to be his. If he doesn't make a move u can't make one for him. I hope u find the strength to do what u can for yourself. I hope u come to terms with the realization u cannot fix what is wrong in your sons marriage no matter how much u want to. Good luck
