Need Some Help

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by mainebrokerman

creme,,,per usual i have a different angle on this thread,,,
i was in a marriage that started out very well, but after our child was born, things took a dive,,i avoided conflict, appeased, controlling, and manipulative behavior, i basically turned into a doormat,,and hated myself for it,,,,but didnt challenge when i should have to avoid,,conflict,,
after losing most of my friends, not having any hobbies, etc, i still couldnt see the forest from the trees..
i knew things were wrong on my end,,,but so much didnt want to rock the boat because we had a family...(shame on me for not speaking up)
one day, years into the marriage, my mother (which doesnt say boo, and is a peach) said to me, "i've never seen you so introverted, quiet, ,,its like you are walking on glass all the time, not saying a thing,,,,,and the whole family has seen you become withdrawn"
and she didnt make any judgement on my wife at all,,,or ask about work, or anything else,,,,and that one sentence,,opened my eyes,,to the reality, i was blind to, i was simply miserable...lost all identity i had....actually felt trapped..
and it was from that point on,,i started standing up for myself,,,i refused to be a doormat,,

i couldnt see the forest from the trees,,,,i was too busy being a dead log, and not myself.

ya know, we grow up with relationships, with our brothers/sisters/mothers and fathers, i do believe,,just because someone is married, that doesnt mean the family relationship ends, meaning if /when my sister told me what she thought, she had every right to do so,, and vice-versa, now if she's being controlling about it,,or below board,,then i wouldnt listen to her,,,,but on quite a few occassions,,she was seeing/married to abusive men,,and i didnt hold back my opinion or actions,, and that road goes both ways,

its good to respect the marital relationship, and give the benefit of the doubt,,to the spouse,,however, just as men play headgames with woman,,and mentally abuse them,,,woman can also do this,,,and why not?

creme,,,you have been a mother far longer than he's been married, if you want to express your concerned views, i believe you have every right to!!
id just suggest,,not pointing any fingers, or even bringing her name up,,just relay that he has seem to change so much, you miss the relationship you once had as a mother with him,,,let him bring her up,,be respectful,,,you will get your point across,,without pointing fingers,,
you need to get him one on one,,,whether you can take him to lunch ,,if hes not "allowed" then make something up,,tell him you made out a will and want to go over it with him,,one on one,,something serious like that,,
thats usually one subject a controlling wife will let her hubby go by himself,,

write him a letter,,express whatever you want,,,,to me she is being very rude to you, and disrespectful, you can write a letter,,,be respectful, to her,,,but express how you feel,,and somehow wish it were better

good luck,,

and remember,,you are the mother,,you have every right to express your opinion,,as does a brother or sister, or friend,,

Mainbrokerman

I want to thank you for your feedback, and concern.

I know there are some gals who came into this thread who are having a real problem with their MIL's. And I feel so bad for that...it is a shame, just as my situation is a shame.

MBM...I know your right...my DIL had a very, very sad and dysfunctional life...and unfortunately, the relationship was contaminated, before any of us knew.

I want to impress the fact that no one has been cruel to my DIL...and that my son, is just as you were MBM, and he most certainly will remain loyal to the relationship.

Long ago, I did try writing her a letter...and she freaked out...I mean, really freaked out. She is the kinda person that takes EVERYTHING as a personal attack against her character....remember, this gal doesn't have much confidence at all....and when she is wrong, it'd be a cold day in you know what before she admitted to it, or even said she was sorry.

Remember, this gal set out to drive a wedge between my son and myself...and while living far away, it is to her advantage, as there is no support from family.

I've decided to completely back off...basically for myself...as I suggested before, I have tried everything, and while I feel sorry for her, I feel that I need peace in my life even more. I no longer care, as I've known people like my DIL before, and regardless, she will win....no matter what the cost.

Also, at this point in my life, I loath confrontation....very much....and if I would speak with her, she'd fly right off into a rage...

I am going to tell my son, that I love him and he is more then welcome to come visit when they are home, but I no longer wish to have this woman in my home.

If he chooses not to come, that is perfectly ok, and I understand...but long story short...I have had enough of this type of person in my life, and most of my friends and family tell me, I'm more patient then most....but this, well, candidly, I'm not going to set myself up to be a victim for no one ever again, not my son, not any family member.

This IS his choice....and the hurt that has been inflicted to all of us, is to me, unrepairable. It has cut way to deep, and to long.

I've grown very tired of walking on egg shells, you know that feeling deep within, when your afraid to be you...she may like being a bully to my son, and to everyone else, but she is not going to bring me down to her level..I refuse to fight back...and yell and scream...it's not my mo.

Thanks again MBM for understanding the situation...and for your suggestions....at this point in time, I know, my DIL will be happy with my decission...this is what she has wanted from the start. I've just been in denial for 10 years....but no more....

thanks again
Creme

[mainebrokerman]

creme,,life is too damn short,time goes by too damn fast, to be on the receiving end of such ilk, and b.s.

there are quite a few mothers and mothers in laws,,that are very overbearing,,,, ..and yes, they need to be kept in check,,
but for the mothers that arent,,,,hey,,,you should have the respect, that you give her!

[downtown_gal]

Originally Posted by sun queen

cemebrulee- have u ever thought of a hitman? (lol).

Please, please, please do not joke about something like this. I have a MIL with serious mental issues who I would not put it past to look into something like this. She is unbalanced, psychotic, and her hatred of me knows no bounds. I honestly have fears in the back of my mind that she would consider it if she thought she could get away with it. Again, I know you're joking, but as a DIL who is just reading up on MIL/DIL issues, trying to wrap my head around the dynamics involved on both sides, it scares the crap out of me to see someone put something like that in writing.

[asitshouldbe]

You should really mind your own business. If it works for them then leave it alone. Be happy with your visits and talks on the phone. This is his life he is a grown man, if they feel you are interfering they may talk to you less often. Find something to keep yourself busy, it sounds like you are obsessing over something you have no control over.

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by asitshouldbe

You should really mind your own business. If it works for them then leave it alone. Be happy with your visits and talks on the phone. This is his life he is a grown man, if they feel you are interfering they may talk to you less often. Find something to keep yourself busy, it sounds like you are obsessing over something you have no control over.

Yes, this is his life...and for those who do know me....It's been quit a while since this thread was brought to fluration, and our communication has ended....my DIL is a very toxic person and I have nothing to give to her any longer. She is immature, demanding..self imposted and very very selfish with an uncanny sense of entitlement....therefore, she is not someone I care to visit any longer. And, I'm quit certain, it was her plan in the first place to make things as such...

My personal opinion...I think she's a very unhappy girl most of the time and doesn't know why...I think, she's in need of some serious counseling, but unfortunately, she will never consent, as nothing is her fault, and she will never sit down and talk, she constantly plays mind games....and I won't allow her to victimize me any longer. It is not a healthy situation.

She has literally ruined a good relationship between mother and son...and I wasn't there that much...we live in different states...maybe saw them twice a year...

Yanno, I had a very interferring mother in law...she was smothering, and yet, I would have never thought to treat her as my DIL has treated me. She is rude and calculating...she gets up and walks out...even if your eating in a resturant, and you may say the slightest thing...like I guess she was jealous cause my son and I were talking...he was telling me about his job..over coffee...we were all, I thought having a great time....she literally stands up and announces...."READY" and doesn't wait or care if anyone else is, she starts walking out????????

You'd think she'd realize the pain she has caused, and the damage her lies have done...I think, deep in my son's heart of hearts....he knows the truth...and after I'm gone, he will bear much guilt I fear. But, it is amazing the heartache a young immature, insecure wife can cause.

I saw them maybe twice a year, and she was still intimidated by me, so much so, she felt it necessary to be unkind and sharp with me.

So, yeah, I am most assuridly leaving them alone. And yes, she is HIS choice....it's just do darn bad she didn't realize that from the very get go.

For most of you DIL's out there...realize, you to will be a mother in law someday...realize, your husband's mother loves him....but know, also, he loves you more, in a very different way. Why be so insecure and intimidated to the point of manipulating situations. Sheeesh, how sad.

I cannot explain in words how painful this all is...especially since I was so very happy my son had found the love of his life. The wife and mother of my grand children to be.

I was extatic....little did I know what the future would bring, and if anyone would have ever told me, this was going to happen, I'd have laughed in their face. I came from a small town, and never realized people could be this sadistic and harmful, for what?

I've come a long way, and I mean to tell you, all innocence is gone...I don't hate her, I feel badly for her...b/c I believe if you dish out bad Karma, it will come back to haunt you. IN the meantime...I've lost 10 years with my son...10 years...I don't even know who he is any more...and I'm sure he feels the same about me....I'm certain, he is hurting to.

So, just so you know, I wasn't really in their lives that much...and the information I received about her came from other memebers of my son's fathers side of the family. They all fear her...my son doesn't discuss his life with her with anyone....it's what everyone else sees happening....he's a good husband, patient, giving, kind...a good father, and was at one time a joy to raise...a very good son.
He never gave me a moments trouble...he loves his family and I won't interfer nor put him in the position where he feels like he has to choose....It's a no win situation, and one that I wouldn't want to win anyway.

Better we part contact...and, it's been done. WE no longer talk and I don't hear from my grand daugther either. She and I did well together...she was a jot to have around.