U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 05-08-2010, 09:38 PM
 
18 posts, read 20,000 times
Reputation: 17

Advertisements

Newbie here, just wanted some insight

Recently past the one year mark with my mate last month. We've been engaged since Christmas 09. Either way, she is a single mom with two kids. I have no kids. Im 24. Anyway, the main problems that concern me about our relationship is for one the kids and her inability to separate motherhood from her personal life

1. THE KIDS
First off, im all for kids. I love them. My mom was a single parent of four when we were little and my step-dad stepped up gracefully. So i saw no problem at first until the issues erupted. Im gonna use an example that just happened last week or so on our anniversary. Being a recent college grad, im still out looking for my dream job in my career. Things are not as easy as i thought they would be, but i found the money to buy her a gift from the little that i had. Something she told me she wanted. BUT when it comes to her, she never buys me a gift, a card, or nothing of thought. But when she wants to buy shoes,clothes, for her babies and not even a card for me to show some appreciation, i feel like im not important. Left out in a sense. I know the babies are more important, but im your fiance as well. Im choosing by choice to spend the rest of my life with you. Her friend just made her the godmother of her twin children (unborn as of now), and yesterday she's going out to buy them clothes and things and im sitting here shopping with her and she never even brings up the fact that she hasn't even bought me an anniversary card or anything. When i brought it to her attention, she tells me "im not your mama" I was heated and confused but i said eff it.

A little over a month ago she had the "balls" to tell me she's "use to material things" knowing i could not give her that now. That made me feel so crappy and since then i've been trying to step it up, but whats the point if shes not returning half the effort im putting in? I decided to get engaged to her on Christmas. I gave her the best ring i could afford! You know what she gave me....a $20 gift card to walmart..and her excuse was they didnt have what she wanted to get me. And the main reason for that was because she went shopping for me on christmas eve!! like a last resort type of deal while all the while 2-3 months ahead of time shes shopping for her kids. and on the last day she remembers me. And when i bring it up she makes it seem like im jealous of her kids which i am not, im upset at the fact that she doesn't even think about me until its almost too late. And its always like this!!!..Birthdays,anniversaries,holidays, she never thinks about me or if she does its like "well my plans didnt work out." But she makes sure she has time enough for her "God daughters" or her "cousins baby" or whomever else thats not me. frankly im sick of it, sick of being left out and treated like second class. so am i tripping or is this how a normal relationship with a single mom/parent suppose to be?
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 05-08-2010, 09:43 PM
 
33,500 posts, read 39,565,445 times
Reputation: 47776
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dickums McGee View Post
am i tripping or is this how a normal relationship with a single mom/parent suppose to be?
Don't you dare palm such nonsense off as "single mom behavior".

The chick is selfish. Being a parent has NOTHING to do with it.
I'd tell her to take a hike.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-08-2010, 09:46 PM
 
6,500 posts, read 11,011,406 times
Reputation: 11079
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChessieMom View Post
Don't you dare palm such nonsense off as "single mom behavior".

The chick is selfish. Being a parent has NOTHING to do with it.
I'd tell her to take a hike.
What Chessie said. She screams selfish and inconsiderate.

You'll end up being the wallet that'll buy her the material things she's "used to."

DTB!
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-08-2010, 10:03 PM
 
Location: Space Coast
1,988 posts, read 5,042,664 times
Reputation: 2758
Part of me says, "yeah, she's selfish and inconsiderate".
Another part of me thinks, "she's buying stuff for children who aren't old enough to get a job and buy their own stuff, and why are you spending so much money on her in the first place?".
And yet another part of me thinks, "she's a mom, and any man can and should be second to the kids while they are young."
BUT, I think the selfish and inconsiderate part prevails based on what you posted. You're only 24; there's no need to rush into a marriage with a woman like that.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-08-2010, 10:33 PM
 
18 posts, read 20,000 times
Reputation: 17
Whenever i bring up anything she doesnt agree with she shuts me off. Like now because i told her that, shes mad at me..doesn't want to talk to me. I bought tickets to go to the circus tomorrow for mothers day. just us and the kids, and she has the nerve to tell me that her mom said if i didn't want to go, her mom said she'll take my ticket and pay me back. First i was surprised her mom knew what was going on in our relationship, and secondly i was fed up.I said ok thats fine seeing as though if she wanted me to go, she wouldnt have bought it up in the first place about her mom....right?? I said fine whatever. then she gets mad at me for not wanting to go...but im confused because u just bought up your mom and her taking my ticket...ugh..

i can understand the fact about her being there for her kids. i totally agree, but where does the line of balance lie? I need attention, affection, assurance as well. Dating when kids are involved is harder than i thought. Im so ready to give up on this relationship but i stay and idk why. Its like whenever the kids are involved my emotions take a backseat to everything, and shes not scared to tell me where her train of thought is at..for example her phone's signature when were in a disagreement earlier was changed from our initials to "Looking out for me and mine" ...like wtf..your gonna just leave me out. I always feel left out and second place to everybody. granted i know the kids are important but do u really have to blatantly make someone feel less important when you know i give you 110%.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-08-2010, 10:37 PM
 
Location: Wilmington, NC
412 posts, read 1,168,168 times
Reputation: 302
I could see it if she were just buying the clothes, shoes, etc for her own kids. Obviously those types of things are top priority. But she is buying stuff for all of the other kids and can't even spend $3 on a card for you?!?!?! This tells me that you are low on her priority list, and you should NOT marry her!!! It sounds like she sees you as a meal ticket - someone who just graduated college and has great earnings potential.

A women's kids will always come first, but her husband-to-be to be should be right up there as a close 2nd.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-08-2010, 10:48 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
16,224 posts, read 24,186,896 times
Reputation: 24069
It sounds like you need to sit her down and spill your guts! Tell her how you feel, and why. Don`t be afraid to communicate!
She needs to separate being a good parent, and maintaing a relationship!!
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-08-2010, 11:04 PM
 
Location: South Carolina
3,398 posts, read 7,595,970 times
Reputation: 2856
No, you arent dreaming. You're in a crappy relationship with a selfish woman that's going to use you as a meal ticket for her and her kids.


RUN!!!!
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-08-2010, 11:47 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,728 posts, read 19,489,266 times
Reputation: 14755
I'm going to be generous and guess that she was brought up that way -- that adults in her family didn't buy gifts, etc. for each other. My wife is a little that way, and as a result I've pretty much quit buying her gifts and cards. We no longer expect it of each other, so we're not disappointed when there's no gift for Christmas or birthdays. I'll admit, I do miss the little gifts and cards I used to get from other partners, but I know she's not going to change, and I still love her the way she is.

All that said, I pretty much have to agree with the majority. I don't think she's going to change, and from what you've said, I think you're always going to be the least important person in her little family. And I wouldn't expect it to improve... ever. You're her fiance, and it's darned unlikely that she's going to treat you better after the marriage vows are spoken. And that's WRONG in my opinion. Children are important parts of the family, but husband and wife are the foundation that the family is built upon, and they should still be there when the kids have grown and gone their own ways.

It also sounds like she's not the easiest person to get along with, if you can't tell her of your disappointments without her getting angry. So talk to her if you like, but I give odds that she's not going to improve. Talk to yourself too, and ask yourself if this is what you want for the rest of your life.

Best wishes, and I hope you make the right decision.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-08-2010, 11:50 PM
 
Location: southern california
61,294 posts, read 81,731,159 times
Reputation: 55458
sounds like you are getting power drain. if this stuff is bothering you now this is natures way of saying back away. getting married will not empower you. it will empower her.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 06:31 PM.

© 2005-2021, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top