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I have read through the first 2 pages and the last one...I have been where you are, it was 30 years ago when marriage rape was still okay in the eyes of the police. Your best advice is here in the replys, go to Canada, do NOT file a restarining order why, because this tells him where you live and what are you going to do throw the paper at him while the pollice come...right. But go home to family get your confidence back, if you are going to school tell them what is going on ;you can get a medical withdrawl without hurting grades and you can retake the classes when you are better . PLEASE leave and go home to family get better and find someone (later-like 5 years) who will treat you like you should be treated not what you think you should be treated like (as in now). There are groups that will pay for your way, leave everything its just stuff that can be replaced you cant be.
I saw this thread late, but I think professorsenator probably gave the best advice here. Get in touch with people who help domestic violence victims on a regular basis. Do NOT wait for anything -- leave right now. And for the future, never ever ever believe any excuses or promises to change. Abusers are very good at convincing people (including themselves) that they are sorry and they will behave better from now on, and for a while, they can actually manage to be better people. But they always revert to their old ways, and with worse consequences than before. Abuse ALWAYS gets worse, never better.
That said, applying for a restraining order or filing for divorce will not automatically reveal your location, especially if you do it through an attorney. If your state requires that your address be disclosed in the pleadings, the lawyer can put your "permanent" address -- which is to say, the marital residence -- or make a motion to the court to waive the requirement for the sake of your safety.
Document everything. Have someone take pictures of your bruises, go to the hospital to be checked out, and save all medical records. Make a list of all incidents of abuse, with dates if possible, TODAY, while they are still fresh in your mind. Believe me, recollections do get blurry, and if you have to testify, you want to be clear and consistent.
I am leaving this next week. He won't be released until Monday. Per Colorado laws he cannot be released on bail due to the nature of the crime. I will have a temporary restraining order when he gets released. He cannot come close to me and if he does, I will call the police. I am just trying to figure out what to do with the apartment....I am leaving for Canada. He cannot go into Canada because of his rap sheet. They won't allow him to cross the border. He doesn't know where my family lives. I just want to be safe.
Good, yes, get home to Canada. As for your apartment, get some boxes and pack your most important items -- photos, key sentimental items, small valuable stuff and ship them home via U.S. Mail w/ a tracking number or UPS. Don't leave anything with a friend in the area if at all possible -- you don't want to have to go back to retrieve your stuff, nor would you want to leave your address/contact info. in Canada with someone.
Fill a briefcase or backpack with important papers that you will need to rebuild your life -- birth certificate, passport, copies of your tax forms, your most recent billing statements for all accounts (showing your balance due, if any, and allowing you to have a record of accounts w/ account numbers), copy of apartment lease, etc.). Papers like this can be crucial later on for clearing up questions about debts, etc. (i.e. maybe a bill collector comes along later). Carry this backpack/briefcase with you on the airplane or however you get back home. Also, if you have your name an ANY account (i.e. credit card, utility, etc.) with this the guy, call the appropriate company IMMEDIATELY and get your name off the account. This may require a letter be sent to the company -- do it. If you don't do this, you could be legally liable in the future for any debts he incurs.
One final recommendation: if applicable, strongly resist any temptation to take any of his stuff or his money (if he has any) Don't give him, nor a court, nor anyone else a reason to suggest that you stole from him or that he is due any form of restitution from you. If you have a shared bank account or other shared money, take half and leave the rest. In other words, close the door on this guy and do absolutely nothing to enable the door to be reopened by anyone in the future.
It is very easy to tell someone they are looking for sympathy, because you haven't been in their shoes. Leaving an abusive relationship is NOT easy. There were times I felt like I almost deserved what he was doing to me even though now I know deep down I was a good wife to him. I have text messages and e-mails from him saying I was everything he could have asked for in a wife. My conscience is clean. I did not bring this upon myself. I felt guilty at times, I felt like I wasn't good enough and that everything was all my fault...and I tried to fix it. But now I know there was absolutely nothing to be fixed.
I only found out about his abusive past on a trip to Canada when the Canadian Border patrol would not let him in Canada because of assault / harassment chargers dating back to 2003. I was surprised and upset. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt; that it was all in his past and that he maybe had changed. Well he hasn't and he never will.
I have told him to leave and he won't. There is nothing I can do legally to get him out of my lease unless he signs a paper and he did NOT want to sign it.
And I was not able to leave because he wouldn't release me from our lease! I can't just move out and leave him with everything, including the dog ( he claims everything here is his even though he did absolutely nothing for a whole year. He hasn't worked or looked for a job since late May of last year. I am aware that we're married and there is no his and hers but he doesn't deserve a dime! )
However, per Colorado law I can be removed from the lease without his consent because of the domestic violence and the charges pressed against him. So that is exactly what I am doing.
I am packing everything and I am getting away from here. I am going to be in contact with the DA so I can go to court whenever I am needed there.
I am scared because I don't know what lies ahead. I know I am going to cry at times but now I know I have made the right decision. It's time for me to be around people who truly care about me and want the best for me.
Realizing you CAN NOT fix him, there is not enough love, patience, understanding or tip-toeing around that you can do to make him stop that is important. I foolishly believed in my past relationship that all those things would make him happy with me and he wouldn't hit me. When I left him it was while he was gone I moved to a place he knew nothing about to hide b/c when I stayed in the city in which we lived or he was familiar with he always found me. I realize now that the reason I was miserable after I left was not that I missed him (although then I swore it was) I just had no clue what to with myself. I had spent so much time trying to do all the things I knew would make him happy (not hit me is a better way to put it) and making a collection of the don not do b/c this irritates him and he will be upset (silly everyday things like don't move while sitting on the couch he is a very light sleeper he is taking a nap and the sqeaking of the couch will wake him up=getting stabbed etc...). When I did not have to do these things I couldn't figure out my place, what I was supposed to do, who I was as a person if I were not bending my day to try and not uspet this man, I had lost me. But you WILL find yourself again it takes some time and counseling if that's what you would be willing to do. I had to force myself to leave my house for any reason but after I did I figured out that I had been missing life. He is not what defines you. Be safe and good luck.
I am at a friend's house in town right now. I spent the night here because he was released yesterday. He cannot contact me for at least 5 days. I still have to go home real quick and grab my uniforms. I have packed my car with everything else. I was going to get a trailer and take the bed and mattress with me but screw it. I am leaving everything behind but the TV and the dog.
I haven't eaten in 3 days. I can't sleep. I can't function.
I can't leave until I talk to the DA tomorrow morning otherwise I'd be gone right now. I am leaving after I am done at the courthouse.
I am freaking out. I never knew this would happen to me.
I am at a friend's house in town right now. I spent the night here because he was released yesterday. He cannot contact me for at least 5 days. I still have to go home real quick and grab my uniforms. I have packed my car with everything else. I was going to get a trailer and take the bed and mattress with me but screw it. I am leaving everything behind but the TV and the dog.
I haven't eaten in 3 days. I can't sleep. I can't function.
I can't leave until I talk to the DA tomorrow morning otherwise I'd be gone right now. I am leaving after I am done at the courthouse.
I am freaking out. I never knew this would happen to me.
Forget the uniforms, I would not go back for them. Can't you ask the police to get them or contact your supervisers and explain your situation? I know there are probably procedures, which I admittedly am not familiar with, but I'd rather face a penalty (if it came to that) than face that man again.
Stay strong, you are on your way to putting it behind you.
If a man were to hit me would've been the last time.I refuse to be anyones punching bag.
Noone man/ woman desrves to be a victim of abuse verbal or otherwise.
I am leaving this next week. He won't be released until Monday. Per Colorado laws he cannot be released on bail due to the nature of the crime. I will have a temporary restraining order when he gets released. He cannot come close to me and if he does, I will call the police. I am just trying to figure out what to do with the apartment. They are getting back to me on Monday.
I am leaving for Canada. He cannot go into Canada because of his rap sheet. They won't allow him to cross the border. He doesn't know where my family lives. I just want to be safe.
You are very foolish if you think for one monent a restraining order will keep him away. You will call the police? Did you ever stop to think you might not get the chance to call the police. If he has his hands around your neck and is squeezing the life out of you, you won't be able reach a phone, dial a phone, talk on a phone. I think you fail to understand the seriousness of this whole situation. As a former LEO I know from experience what can happen to you, the police can not protect you 24 hours a day, and that is what is needed when he gets out of jail. Leave while you're still alive and able.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 19,968,413 times
Reputation: 9417
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nite Ryder
You are very foolish if you think for one monent a restraining order will keep him away. You will call the police? Did you ever stop to think you might not get the chance to call the police. If he has his hands around your neck and is squeezing the life out of you, you won't be able reach a phone, dial a phone, talk on a phone. I think you fail to understand the seriousness of this whole situation. As a former LEO I know from experience what can happen to you, the police can not protect you 24 hours a day, and that is what is needed when he gets out of jail. Leave while you're still alive and able.
Exactly. The countless deaths of women who had restraining orders against their abuser says it all.
I'd sure like to hear the other side of this story. You know, the other side DOES exist after all...
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