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I posted a few months ago about my hubby looking at another woman... it was sort of a wake up call. It wasn't the fact that he looked at her, it was the fact that he lied about it... and then I realized... he doesn't have a lot of respect for me and it really hurts (I have a ton of examples, but I won't go into them all).
I planned a trip to visit some friends for 2 weeks, away from him. I made it clear that I needed to be away from him for a while. He flipped out and got us into marriage counseling and insisted that he come on the second half of my trip. I ended up not enjoying this trip, and it cost us a fortune since he wanted to join last minute... which put more stress on us to pay off these bills.
Long story short, the time I was away and the weeks leading up to me leaving, he called into work sick, he didn't sleep and he got very ill. He basically broke down and couldn't function. He was SO stressed out about me leaving, which is sweet (and a bit disturbing)... but his "master plan to change" has failed, in the long run.
My main complaint is... hard to explain. I don't know if he's borderline autistic or what... but he only bathes once a week, rarely gets a haircut, rarely cleans up after himself and all-in-all... doesn't notice anything unless it's on a computer screen or a book in front of him. His hygiene... gosh, this is so embarrassing... he doesn't take care of himself. Well, he did for the 2 months we went to counseling (master plan to change equals him bathing daily), but since we stopped going... it's back to one shower a week, never flossing etc etc (He hasn't been to a dentist in over 10 years).
The new problem is that I won't put out, and he's angry about it. I do enjoy sex. But... knowing that his breath is bad and he hasn't washed... makes me not want to touch him. If I bring it up he gets stressed and embarrassed and the whole cycle starts all over again. I keep thinking... I take care of the house, cook your meals, clean up after you, wash the sheets more often because you stink and you want me to put out, too? I just can't.
I've been with him 10 years, married for almost 2... I thought he'd grow out of this... but the bathing thing has ALWAYS been a problem. We have a wonderful friendship, he is so funny and smart, he makes me feel safe and the counselor says we truly compliment each other but... I'm not attracted to him and this childish behavior only makes that rift wider and deeper. I look at him and I want to cry or yell... The counselor did call this not bathing thing "sabotage". Did he just forget????
I've been able to put out in the past by getting drunk, but I feel like crap the next day. I can't pretend or drink it way anymore... I'm so lost...
I think when you said you're "not attracted to him," that said everything. Why are you with him still?? Isn't attraction kind of a requirement for a relationship?
Also, it almost sounds like he has some sort of depression. I had a family member who exhibited the same behavior for a while, especially the lack of hygiene, and when she was evaluated, she was diagnosed as clinically depressed. She's on meds and doing much better now.
I'm disgusted just reading that, how is it that you are still living with him? I would say hurry up and divorce him before you get pregnant, but sounds like there is no chance of that happening. You both need a good counselor (separately) and a divorce lawyer.
We can laugh until dawn, we're both night owls, have great conversations... same sense of humor... We have a ton in common... intellectually.
He has a strong work ethic, he's a great friend, he's fair and dependable... his family is great and he can program the VCR I dunno...
When we first met, he was 19. He had a full head of hair, bathed more often etc. I was only the 2nd person he had been with so I thought he needed some time to "get better". He was easy to please, that's for sure. And he wanted me so... he did everything he could to get me.
He was the exact opposite of all the guys I had dated. He pursued me and I thought perhaps the reason why I didn't stay with "the jock" was because I wasn't compatible with that sort of person. I wanted some boring stability... guess I got it. I think he likes me because I'm creative and have big boobs... there's probably more but... ya.
The fact that you said, "Borderline autistic" - I think that's just it.
Is he a bit of genius in some very restricted area? I think Einstein didn't remember to bathe every so often, - geniuses need caregivers....
The controlling behavior when you decided to go away by yourself - though can be disgusting in *normal* people, - is almost given in a borderline autistic.
Maybe he's an Asperger, or nothing, just borderline, - but it sounds like it.
It is up to you, whether to accept these people the way they are (because they can be very sweet, and usually no hidden agenda - they are what you see), or decide that you can't deal with it and swim freely in the dating scene.
Just remember - there were plenty of women who'd jump on Einstein, Curie, Chaplin, regardless of their bathing habits.
Nuala... thank you for that... I do think he may be an Asperger. He used to joke that his coworker had that... and that this guy smelled like "cat pee". But, these two were friends for a while, and he didn't notice it for months. Maybe I will go back to the counselor and find out how I can be more caring and possibly ease him into the bathing schedule or? something! I would hate to be his nanny, but... I would hate that the next girl would come along and figure out his rhythm. I have to at least give it a shot... I guess I shouldn't throw away 10 years.
Funny, I read something about Einstein and his wife and how she'd follow him around and check his pockets all the time because he was always leaving things around all over the place. I've even mentioned that to him, in jest. But, it's TRUE. Ugh. YES, he is brilliant... and that's what I admire about him.
He admits he has a "problem" but freaks out when you ask him about it. We've asked does the water hurt, does bathing make you feel a certain way etc and he has no answer... he just says he feels "stupid" about it. I don't want to hurt him... but... he's starting to get frustrated with me and my lack of affection. I don't want to get into "that" conversation again because... it truly stresses him out.
Sorry to hear your having these types of issues. I think what you have to understand at times.. is other people do not understand what he can be suffering from as they live in their perfect world and are not affected by it.. that is why you can get some pretty rough comments on what you are living through.
With that being said.. you need to look at the situation and ask yourself if you are willing to deal with the issues for a long time.. This appears that it could be a long term thing. Meaning he is suffering from something mentally and may be a life time diagnosis. If you are willing to put up with that, then you need to haul him back to the doctor and deal with it accordingly. The thing I see here.. is that you could well possibly lose yourself in all of this stuff that is happening.. be careful on what you choose..
He admits he has a "problem" but freaks out when you ask him about it. We've asked does the water hurt, does bathing make you feel a certain way etc and he has no answer...
It's like asking an OCD person, 'Why do you need to sweep the sink three times before turning the tap on?' - there will be no answer. Their brain is coded that way, they can't explain. Another pointer to autistic inclinations.
Well, if they say, there is always some kind of sacrifice in any relationship, then this may be it in your relationship. The bathing problem, it seems, can be resolved by you taking charge and marching him in the shower.
Just like a child, yes. But, if you have a child - this "quirkiness" can be passed down (esp. if it's a son). You will have two kids.... I don't know, to some it may seem not a big deal in exchange for stability and adoration, and bright people... It depends on a woman.
Quote:
Originally Posted by stacey412
Thanks for being kind and informative about it
You are welcome!
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I dunno...
